Mozilla ate the original draft. Sorry about any (likely) formatting
errors, but I _think_ I got them weeded out.
haxchan wrote:
FFML Note: Originally posted a while back, it since
has been revised and 'focused' a bit, so here we go
again. I'm looking to finish the revisions and call
the piece completed soon. Hopefully this post will
recieve a bit more response than my last; I'm a little
envious whenever I see a wonderful analysis of other
works by Brian Randall, Richard Lawson, or any of the
countless others.
C&C from Lawson would be an honor. I'm merely an annoyance. ;)
I realize I don't post or critique much, which no
doubt hurts my following, however as this is my first
story, I'd prefer to feel out the Mailing List's
response to my writings before throwing my weight
around, as the saying goes.
I personally think it's worth reading, and hope you
agree. Thank you!
Summoned from the depths of fever-dreams, I arise.
Raaaaargh.
Let's hope my comments are any good, since I'm still a little
lightheaded.
My opinions are just that, feel free to ignore me wherever you see
fit. Or everywhere.
Also -- the [C&C] tag doesn't mean [C&C requested] ;) It means [C&C]
has been given on a fic, though usually I'm obviously too lazy to use
it, instead relying on the ever-present 'Re:'.
I'm pretty sure that the FFML (unlike the RAAC, which also accepts
fanart) is almost exclusively for fanfiction, so you can probably drop
the '[FIC]' tag, too.
I know two people I'd like you to meet. One's
named Ranma, the other Akane. They may be a bit
different than the ones you already know, and they
certainly don't know or care about you, but you
should meet them anyway. They're a little strange,
but they have pure hearts of gold.
Disclaimer?
The door to the Tendo dojo forcibly slid open, and
a redhead stepped inside. Her dark expression
paled the violence of her entry. With an equally
http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=paled
I suppose you mean:
1. To decrease in relative importance.
But that's a bit more complicated than you really need. I'd suggest
rewording that.
loud crack, the door slid shut. Inside, Ranma
Equally loud crack compared to what? That's the first crack in the
story.
Saotome, heir to the Anything Goes school of
Martial Arts, decided she wanted to hurt
something. Lacking any living targets, she settled
for one of the training dummies that resided in
the Dojo's storage space. After bringing out the
least destroyed target, and angrily sliding yet
another door open and closed, she relaxed her
body, took a deep breath, and sighed. Her tranquil
composure quickly shattered, as her body uncoiled
in a vicious thrust towards the hapless dummy. A
satisfying thwack resounded. And then another.
Finally, Ranma ended the barrage with a
consummating smack. She stood there, her rasps
forcing their way into the oppressive silence. She
seethed at the tattered dummy and her life, the
tears and rips in both screaming at her. In a
burst of anger, she threw one final punch at the
target, which went right through its straw
insides, leaving her arm caught in the stomach of
the vengeful victim. Snarling in obvious
'vengeful victim' doesn't work -- near as I can figure, it's saying
that the dummy wants revenge. While that may be true....
distemper, Ranma arched a kick towards the middle
of her captor, freeing her arm. Stupid dummy.
Stupid parents. Stupid life!
That is a lot of paragraph. Merely a suggestion, but I'd advocate
cutting it into two or three smaller paragraphs.
Ranma shook her head, and though she tried so
earnestly to hold on, her anger slipped away. She
knew Genma wasn't stupid; she knew Nodoka wasn't
stupid. She knew her life shouldn't be stupid.
What was it about the visits that left her feeling
drained, exhausted; what poverty inspired them to
exhausted; what -- exhausted? What (I'd suggest -- it seems awkward
as-is.)
I don't understand the bit about poverty. It could be because I'm
still unable to think clearly, but you might want to reconsider that.
leech elsewhere? It was just another visit, the
bits and pieces of talk they shared together
useless and random. The weather. Ranko had
'The weather.' would be a great place to start a new paragraph.
mentioned the weather. Nodoka responded with a
polite smile. Ranko brought up a crowd of
particularly memorable drunken salarymen. Nodoka's
counter was another unforgettable story about the
exploits of the inebriated. And both accounts,
spectacular and amazing, humorous and revealing,
already had blurred beyond recognition. No matter
how delicate, how precious the snowflake, it melts
melts -- melted (?)
to water. Her mother had said that, during Ranma's
first time in the snow, a long, long time ago, and
it stayed with her to this day, still burnt in her
this day -- that day
mind. The day was clear, and the sun glistened
'day was clear' -- you mean the sky?
against the white ground; the pure intensity of
the light unequaled in Ranma's memory, now or
then. The details had long since disappeared, like
the fuzzy edges of an aged photograph, but the
feeling, the emotion, the indelible mark of her
mother remained. But the woman who dropped in from
time to time wasn't that emotion, wasn't even the
same person. Not to Ranma, anyway. She had been
given broken shards of a crystal glass, and now
tried so desperately to taste water that had once
spilt over in brimming abundance.
Again: That's a lot of paragraph.
Once she had looked forward to the visits with a
Once she -- Once, she
childlike exuberance, as if through sheer desire
the years that separated them could be wished
away. But the sporadic and abrupt meetings began
as though the previous had never ended, and ended
like the previous had never began, and the routine
became, she knew, established, permanent and
futile. Her hopes approached blasphemy; as if her
impossible demand by its very nature defiled the
holiest shrine of the memories they had shared
before he had been taken away to train. But her
folly remained, despite her self-disgust. She
often envisioned one of Nodoka's winter visits,
where they would embrace amidst the fresh, pure
snow, whispering and laughing in the same breath.
She never knew what would be said during that
meeting, and outside of dreams, snow only prompted
Nodoka to bring a heavier coat. She didn't know
what she wanted and she didn't know why she wanted
it, but she intuitiv
ely believed the stagnant
times spent with her unwitting mother to be the
only possible fount.
That's a much longer paragraph than it needs to be.
Akane, her steps purposively noisy, entered the
room with teakettle in hand. Ranma gratefully
broke from her thoughts to face the sound.
purposively -- purposefully (Or 'intentionaly')
"I figure its safe now, Ranma, so here you go."
She walked over to Ranma, and set the kettle down
on the hard wood. "Your mother stayed late, so I'm
probably just gonna' go and get ready for bed. I
figured you didn't want to wait for me to get done
with my bath."
its -- it's
"Don't mention it. Who woulda' thought drunks
would make her so excited?" Akane looked
expectantly at Ranma, gauging whether her attempt
to cheer the dark-faced Ranma was successful.
Ranma returned an obligatory smile.
The first line of prose comes across a tad clumsilly, partially
because of the repetition of Ranma, but there's something else I can't
quite put my finger on, too....
Akane always tried during times like this,
although she knew her efforts were never enough.
Her world always had seemed slightly off after her
mother left, and for Ranma to lose hers again and
again, in such a charade...
charade... -- charade.... (If an elipses terminates a sentence, it
should have an additional period trailing it)
Just imagine, will you, that a bunch of martial
artists from Nerima were lost in a presumed finite
forest. Imagine they were angry with their leader,
a Soun Tendo, who accidentally went the wrong way
a few hours back and didn't bother to let that
accidentally slip until this point. Picture that,
if you can.
One would assume one doesn't 'bother' to let something
'accidentally' slip. Would suggest rewording.
Now pay attention to one small principle of
physics, which is that any body moving at any
speed, even an infinitesimal one, will eventually
reach a point along a finite path. This was the
rule that Soun believed in, and used to justify
his continued leadership, despite the fact that he
really had no clue what he was doing and everyone
knew it. Soun had once heard that a room of
monkeys would type the entire works of
Shakespeare, and this sounded like a good idea to
him.
*attempts to not draw a parable between usenet and the aformentioned
room of monkeys*
The rest of the family didn't share his optimism,
and in fact had some rather different opinions,
which they were mostly keeping to themselves. Even
Kasumi was noticeably frowning. The family was
One would also think that 'noticeably frowning' precludes keeping
ones opinions to oneself. Well, at least where Kasumi is concerned. ;)
I'd suggest explaining that they were 'hard-pressed' to keep their
opinions to themselves.
trying to find a sea-side cabin that had been lent
to them by an old school friend of Soun, someone
who had found their way into a good deal of money,
and decided to repay a favor for his old friend in
a very removed, safe fashion. And so, after
getting off the train at the local village, the
family had set off with high hopes, that, at this
point, seemed pretty dang unwarranted given the
quality of current leadership.
'pretty dang' -- is that a phrase you want in your narration? It
seemed much more removed, before this.
Meanwhile, Nabiki was hot, Nabiki was tired,
Nabiki was angry. All children have an instinctive
belief that their daddy is the smartest man ever,
and for Nabiki, that had ended long, long, long
ago. In her opinion, Daddy fell between good-
natured incompetency and sheer idiocy; today was
carving out new territory in the latter direction.
tired, Nabiki was angry. -- tired, and Nabiki was angry. (Unless
it's stylistic?)
The bit about Nabiki learning that her father is not infallible
scans awkwardly. Might want to expand/reword.
Calling Soun 'Daddy' in prose (as a term of address) which PoV is
this scene from?
Soun looked around. He saw the same dirt path with
trees, a path that looked very familiar, seeing as
they hard already trodden it. Many times. Even
Kasumi joined in the fray. "Daddy, the food might
spoil unless we get it to a refrigerator."
trees, a path -- trees; a path
I'd suggest starting a new paragraph with 'Even Kasumi...", though
I'm not sure why I'd suggest that.
Soun was adamant. "Now now, girls. Don't you have
a little faith in your Daddy?" The birds chirped.
Soun nervously chuckled.
Er.... Might want to use separate lines to denote some kind of
passage of time, or this scans awkwardly.
Through the stupid ordeal, Ranma had said very
little. Now, though, exasperation and a bit too
much time in the sun inspired action. "I'm going
to the cottage, pop. See you there." He abruptly
walked off into the brush, followed by a reluctant
Akane.
'stupid' -- which PoV?
pop -- Pop
"Ranma! Where are you going?" Akane knew she just
asked a stupid question. Ranma just said where he
planned to go. Nonetheless, something had to be
said, and that seemed better than nothing.
Apologetically, "I'm sorry, but I probably should
follow Ranma."
'Apologetically,' I'm not sure if you can lead into dialogue like
that -- I'd suggest adding some form of speech indicator there.
Shifting her suitcase to her other hand with a
determined look, she shouted. "I'm coming with
you, Ranma!"
shouted. "I'm -- shouted," I'm
As Ranma crashed off the trail, Soun shrugged his
shoulders with a look of defeat. "It should have
been right ahead. I just don't understand it. Take
heart girls! Ranma'll bring us there!" He faced
Genma. "Let's get after your son then, eh?" They
made their way through Ranma's new trail.
heart girls -- heart, girls
The ever-present silence. "I guess we'll find
out."
The ever-present silence... what? It seems like something is missing
from that line.
Ranma looked down at his fianc�, almost angry with
Akane. He knew he shouldn't be, and he had long
ago denied his indignation at her free will. It
was just that things could have been so perfect,
if Akane had done things right from the first day,
like he had so fervently dreamt. But intensity and
desperation meant nothing, another of life's
lessons free of charge. Why was it that free
things always cost the most? But this train of
thought was pointless. He'd followed it to its
destination so many times before; he knew every
stop along the line, but he knew the end of line
best. Derailment.
That's fiancee with two 'e's, unless Akane is a boy.
"Alright, let's go then Akane." Ranma jumped down,
picking up his discarded backpack. Well, what
other cottages were around here? It had to be the
right one.
then Akane." -- then, Akane."
Akane could see by Ranma's facial expression what
Ranma was thinking, and after a few minutes of
walking, replied. "Well, I just didn't want to end
up at the wrong cabin." She felt both stupid for
making the comment, and stupid for having to
defend it. In the distance, she could faintly hear
the rest of the group chatting merrily.
replied. "Well -- replied, "Well (Though I think this one is
actually optional.)
"Akane, don't worry about it." He sharply turned
his head to face his insolent fianc�e, while
maintaining his brisk, eternally impatient pace.
"We'll be just fi-"
And as he walked off a cliff, he stopped talking
and started screaming. He landed in a rocky stream
with a splash and a newly pained expression. Akane
peered over the edge before gingerly climbed down
the bank, dropping her suitcase to the ground
below. It landed next to a facedown Ranma, who was
clearly in pain.
before gingerly climbed -- before she gingerly climbed -- before
gingerly climbing
Clearly in pain through what visual cues? Remember, you have to show
us these things.
For once, she was glad she landed in water. Her
head was turned so that she could breathe out of
her nose, and even as the water rushed by her
closed eye, the coldness helped to numb the pain.
Of course, the rocks jutting out weren't
pleasurable. One in particular was smashing
against her chest, causing no small amount of
discomfort. Cursing temporary womanhood in
general, she stood up, or did her best attempt at
it, only to crash back down. Her backpack was
still on top of her, compounding the small gray
matter in her left breast. She could fondly
remember a time, a minute ago no less, when her
chest wouldn't have been a problem.
'did her best attempt' -- I'm not familiar with that term. Generally
I've seen it as 'made her best attempt'.
'gray matter' -- at least as I'm used to it -- means 'brains'. I
know what they say about men, but I don't think that holds true for
women. ;) You might want to revise that a bit.
After a moment of pained reflection, she realized
what happened. When she felt herself falling, she
tried to put her arms and legs down to take the
shock. She even planned to do a roll, proving she
was of hardy martial arts stock. Sadly, however,
it didn't matter, because the backpack caused a
minor problem, and put her on her stomach and in
pain. Musing on life, she hoped the college
deserved the struggle.
'college'? I don't see the relevance. Do you mean 'cottage'?
"Ranma! Get out of there!" A softer voice found
its way out. "Are you okay?"
This reads stilted, to me.
Hmm. Did she land in the sea, or just a stream? I'd think the waves
would be a problem, if it's the sea.
"Don't worry, I'll get you in the cabin, just
relax." Akane started walking the 50 or so meters
to the cottage. Halfway through she stopped to
gaze at the ocean, taking in the gray clouds that
presided over the limitless expanse. Ranma also
gazed skyward, taking particular interest in where
the clouds obscured the faint presence of the sun.
A small golden highlight in the sky was all that
marked the presence of the Sun's golden rays. It
was almost as if the sun was gone, almost as if
the gray clouds that bore down upon the land and
ocean were all there was to see. But somehow, to
the lone pair, it seemed enough, or, at the very
least, that it should be enough.
50 -- fifty (as explained to me by my Highschool English teacher,
spell out numbers less than 100. I dunno that she was always right,
though, so....)
Sun's -- sun's (or capitalize the other instances? Consistancy.)
"We'll see this all tomorrow Ranma. I have a
feeling this'll be a good vacation." She looked
down at the redhead in her arms, and smiled. Ranma
looked back, and slowly reflected Akane's curled
lips, her mind dropping the matter of the
impetuous rock. Akane, nice girl that she was,
brought the matter up again, as Akane's eyes
lowered their glance.
tomorrow Ranma -- tomorrow, Ranma
This is from Akane's PoV?
"Ranma! Your shirt!" They saw the rock's effect on
Ranma's traditional red Chinese shirt. There was a
gaping hole in a rather indecent place. As Akane
blushingly poked her finger in the hole, she felt
something warm on her fingers. It was red, to
match the scarlet that Ranma and Akane shared on
their face.
face -- faces
"Ranma, be quiet!" Akane wasn't going to let this
pass as 'just a cut'. It occurred to Akane that if
the gouge was big enough, Ranma'd have to bind her
breasts with a bandage. Fighting to keep from
breaking out laughing, she didn't even notice h.
Ranma'd -- I'm a tad leery of certain contractions in prose, so take
my advice with a spoon of salt. I'd change that to Ranma would, though.
notice h. -- Eh?
"What?" Ranma tried to get out of Akane's arms, so
Akane started moving towards her goal again,
hoping to give the impression that she was doing
something important. Reaching the cottage, she set
Ranma down on a porch bench, and carefully took
off Ranma's shirt, to avoid further stains on the
mutilated shirt. She was glad she wasn't in the
middle of Tokyo right now, or any other large
metropolitan areas, for that matter.
now -- then (?)
"Wait here, okay? I'll go get our bags." Akane ran
back, and slinging the backpack on her back and
taking her suitcase, quickly set back towards the
damaged Ranma. She thought she could hear the
family crashing through the brush. She hoped
they'd watch for abrupt elevation differentials.
Repetition, 'back'
'abrupt elevation diffrentials'. Is this term really neccesary?
While it's completely correct, it's also needlessly complicated. 'sudden
drops' works just as well, without being quite as distracting.
Setting down the stuff on the porch, she saw a
placid Ranma looking down at a growing red stain,
spreading over her upper body.
Ranma raised a hand to prod the hurting breast.
"This is really kind of sick."
Akane looked at Ranma, noticing the odd expression
on the redhead's face. That face was a new one for
Akane.
Looks like some formatting trouble, here.
stain, spreading -- stain spreading
hurting (PoV?)
"Ranma? Are you okay?" Akane's eyes were fixed on
the pool that now slowly slid itself down to her
stomach, and dripped down her torso, falling down
on the porch.
'slid', 'falling' -- for blood, this sounds awfully solid.
Ranma raised one of her eyebrows exactly one and
one third centimeters, giving Akane 'the look'. It
was a 'look' that even Nabiki would marvel at. In
one look, Ranma told Akane that she was crazy to
ask, crazy to expect an answer, insane for even
thinking about it, and for good measure, just
generally off her rocker.
That seems uneccesarily complex.
Akane rescinded her folly, "Right. You're Macho-
Ultra-Tough-I Can't Bleed Saotome-san."
folly, "Right -- folly. "Right
Akane tilted Ranma so that the blood pool ran off
onto the porch. Some one was going to have to do
something about that, Akane decided. After
balancing Ranma to avoid any blood spills while
carrying her through the house, she brought Ranma
to the bathtub, where she unceremoniously dumped
her ward.
Some one -- someone
"Ranma. You just fell like 15 feet."
15 -- fifteen
You were using 'meters' in the prose.
"No, it's not that." Her hand dropped leaving
Akane's free. But Akane's hand remained.
dropped leaving -- dropped, leaving
I don't understand the last sentence.
"Can you help me Akane? I just want to relax. I
don't want this blood." Ranma leaned back against
the bathtub's walls, with that same blasted smile.
me Akane? -- me, Akane?
What same blasted smile? I don't think it was referenced before.
Akane stood in the doorway of the small bathroom.
She took it all in, simple wooden walls, a mirror
on a wall, over a counter with sink. And next to
the counter, there was a bathtub, with Ranma; she
was red in both hair and blood. Akane didn't want
this responsibility, but Ranma's trusting face...
repetition -- 'walls', 'wall'.
'red in both hair and blood. -- clumsy.
face... -- face.... (Elipses that terminate a sentence should be
trailed by a period)
"Help wash me." Ranma's request met with success.
Akane found herself mechanically walking over to
Ranma, and slowly, carefully, taking off her
pants. She started the water in the bathtub, and
washed the already thickening crimson off of
Ranma. She washed the cut well, using warm water
to cleanse the effects of the rock. It wasn't real
bad, Akane reflected. Ranma's breast was bruised
around the cut, a bit swollen, but the actual
injury was small and mostly clean, considering a
jagged rock made it. Akane managed a small smile,
but she knew it was different than the ones she
had recently seen on Ranma's face.
The warm water doesn't render Ranma male?
"I think I'm done." Akane'd used soap; that caused
Ranma to wince, but no other reply escaped. Still,
the blood had stopped, and the cut already looked
better. "You can get out now." Akane stood Ranma
up, and toweled her off. She led Ranma to a
mirror, to let her see the damage.
Akane's -- contractions in prose. I'd suggest 'Akane had'.
"It looks good. Thank you, Akane. I wonder how
many days it would have bled..."
bled..." -- bled...." (Elipses that terminate a sentence....)
"Yeah, when I was on the road. You know, with Pop.
It was always a game, whenever I had something
like this, to see how long it would go before
healing. Kinda' silly, I guess, but Pop would
always go easy on the training when I was hurt.
You know, even though he caused em', he always
cared about my injuries."
em' -- 'em (You're dropping a 'th' from the begining of the word,
nothing from the end.)
Akane didn't want to think about that, she didn't
want to think about anything. Only action could
stop this progression, and so she forced herself
to wrap a towel around Ranma's middle. "There. Now
you're presentable. To whom, I'm not sure." With
that, Akane hung up the extra towels and Ranma's
clothes, still wet from the river.
that, she didn't -- that; she didn't (?)
Akane made the mistake of looking at Ranma. She
froze, and then abruptly, exploded with force.
"Our family will be here soon. Dress." Akane
turned to face the door. Opening it, she stormed
out of the bathroom, paused and turned back to
Ranma. "I'm glad you're okay."
Akane reacts because of what? We don't really see anything of this
explosion of force -- you might want to clarify that a bit.
"You're not the only one." A pause. "Did you
really not want to do that?"
A pause -- stylisticaly, this works nicely.
Akane opened her mouth, as if to say something,
then stopped, her mouth slightly ajar.
She thought, deciding between the two answers. "I
don't know." Akane saw Ranma take a step to bridge
the gap between them.
What two answers?
"Akane...No one wants to do anything they hafta'.
I never did, but it didn't matter. You get used to
it. Well, you think you do, but it's the same
thing. There's only one thing I've really wanted
ta' do, for real." Ranma's overly slow, overly
precise slur stood as a stark contrast to the
usual impulsive barks.
Akane...No -- Akane.... No (Trail an elipses that terminates a
sentence with a period, and trail a period with a space, etc.)
"Just stop, okay! This is all some big perverted
joke! Just forget about the whole thing. I never
helped you, and I don't care about your chest. At
all!!" Akane turned and marched indignantly out of
the bathroom, into the middle of the cabin. She
hesitated, and broke her composure, hanging her
head slightly. Akane immediately tensed again, as
she felt arms close around her waist. She felt a
familiar, feminine body push into her back.
all!! -- I'd also be leery of excessive punctuation, but I think
there was an earlier incidence of this that I missed.
The reason Soun feared such an inexplicable scene
was that it could mean any number of things. The
position he found himself in afforded him a full
view of a topless Ranma pressing against Akane.
They seemed accepting of the embrace, and Ranma
even seemed...mildly content? Happy? Soun shook
his head. And if Ranma's position was dubious,
Akane even more so. She had a thoughtful look on
her face, that almost equated to Buddha-like
serenity as she stood there, mildly swaying. Ranma
also rocked in time with Akane. Or was Ranma
leading? Any number of things...
Akane even -- Akane's even (?)
things... -- things.... (Elipses that terminate....)
Genma, not as overly concerned by possible
consequences of this embrace closed the door
slowly, giving the two lone bodies privacy. He
eased it closed with skill, and reflected on the
well-oiled hinge that kept hidden the presence of
the voyeurs.
Finally, he forced it into its resting place, as
it finally closed, with a satisfying click, that
didn't go unnoticed by the young two martial
artists.
'two lone' seems like a contradiction in terms.
Some formatting error here? Missing newline?
Even as Akane craned her head to see what caused
the suspicious noise, Ranma just held Akane,
unmoved and unmoving.
I thought they were moving before.
Is this all she wanted? To go to sleep? Akane sat
down and laid Ranma on a couch after changing the
embrace that bound the two. Ranma silently lay
there, as Akane gently played with the red pigtail
that innocently protruded from behind the larger
mass of red, and Ranma made no attempts to stop
her.
'changing the embrace' how, exactly?
"Oh, hi sis. So, looks like you and Ranma made it
okay, right?" Nabiki smiled in what she hoped was
a reconciliatory grin. "We were just...making sure
not to disturb you." Nabiki was doing her best to
hide a camcorder that was innocently pressed
against her back. "We wouldn't want to disturb
anything. Right daddy?" This statement was aimed
at the two aging peepers, still wondering where
Akane had went after disappearing from their line
of sight. As soon as Nabiki kicked them, they
knew.
sis -- Sis (?)
daddy -- Daddy (used in leiu of a proper name)
went -- gone (I think)
"Well, the boy appears to be resting." Genma was
trying to see Ranma, which was hard due to a couch
being in the way. He could see some red locks that
were peaking over the top, which told him more
than enough about how his 'boy' was doing. "And
I'm assuming the blood is from him." He glanced
down at the murky pool indifferently.
peaking -- peeking (?) and that couch would need to have a pretty
low back for that to work.
"That must have hurt." Nabiki solemnly intoned, as
she stepped inside the cottage, to be joined by
the remainder of the group. She glanced over at
Ranma, an inquisitive expression registering on
her face.
"A martial artist's life is fraught with peril".
Genma solemnly intoned.
Repetition, 'solemnly intoned'.
"Oh my! What about dinner?"
"Oh my!" -- "Oh, my!"
"Don't worry, Kasumi. Aizawa-san was good enough
to stock the kitchen with modern appliances, so
you can just unpack the food and start cooking. He
really is an upstanding morally strong citizen."
As Soun's eyes took the cottage in, his eyes
bulged over a small stack of magazines with very
colorful and interesting covers. Quickly, he hid
them under a couch cushion.
Repetition, 'eyes' -- and isn't Ranma
"Look at all this stuff! We're going to have a
great meal." Cooking was a passion that gave
complete rapture.
For who?
Outfits soon filled dressers, toothbrushes invaded
the bathroom, and soon food filled dinner plates.
At the small table yet smooth and finely grained
cedar table, the entire family gathered for a
Suggest dropping the first instance of 'table', there.
slightly late meal, and Kasumi's latest creation
became the hot topic. For all but Akane, who still
tried without success to simultaneously understand
Ranma and sizzle with anger at her peeping family.
She started at the sleeper, who dozed contentedly
started -- stared (?)
Nabiki decided to break the silence. "And this
way, if Ranma decides to impale herself on a rock
in the middle of the night, you can join in the
fun!" Nabiki smiled at herself. It wasn't what she
said that made her clever, she reflected, but how
and when she said it.
Eh....
"Thanks for the idea, Nabiki." Akane wasn't in a
good mood, and that last comment put her even
further from crawling into the same bed as Ranma.
Why? In the okonomiyaki sauce arc of the manga, Akane was willing to
share a bed with Ranma as a girl.
"Just looking on the bright side of things, sis.
Well, I'm going to bed. Early to bed, early to
tan, I always say." With that, she went into the
bathroom. Tomorrow was going to be fun, she was
sure of that.
sis -- Sis
Soun looked at his sleeping friend, and then at
the game board. Genma probably flipped things
around, while Soun was eating. Time to restore
things to their natural state, which he did while
chuckling evilly. Unlike his friend, Soun fought
the good fight.
Who's PoV is this from?
And Ranma just lay there, gently rising and
falling in rhythm to her deep breathing. Ranma
might as well sleep here, Akane decided, now ready
for bed, most anger forgotten. She looked down at
the cute little cat PJ's that were just about to
be put on, and it occurred to Akane that all Ranma
had on was a partially damp towel. Well, Ranma's
just going to wake up with some pajamas on, Akane
decided with resolve. Good thing she's sleeping,
she's -- she was
as she might not like the pink hearts that adorned
the particular pair that Akane was about to
impart. Oh well. The hearts matched her red hair
well, and, as Akane firmly gripped the overly cute
sleepwear, a girl was *nothing* if not color-
coordinated.
What's wrong with Ranma's own sleep-wear?
She knelt by Ranma's sleeping form, and held
Ranma's arms up. Akane slipped the pajama tops on,
noting that they were too tight, especially in two
rather prominent places. Such is the life for last
minute packers, Akane mused.
tops were -- top was (singular form, yes?)
they were -- it was
Now, the matter of the PJ bottoms. She had her
work cut out for her, Akane knew, as she untied
the towel and let it loosely cover certain body
parts without restricting her plans, and rolled up
her sleeves. The first step, Akane reflected, was
to start from the feet. Fortunately, her sisters
were busy in the bathroom, and Daddy and Saotome-
san were sleeping. And certainly Ranma wasn't
going to complain, at least not tonight. Akane
quickly worked them up to her knees. Akane could
her -- Ranma's (Since the last 'her' referenced is Akane)
She'll thank me in the morning. Akane chuckled at
the idea, as she got up to change into her own
pajamas.
That first sentence is jarring.
Lightly, Akane rubbed Ranma's cheek. Martial arts
*do* make for strange bedfellows, as her father
once said. Akane slipped in the futon, glad that
the blanket was big enough for the two girls. How
was Ranma, anyway? Did her wound heal all right?
Akane stretched the fabric of the shirt down just
a bit. It was low cut, and only required a little
tug to show Ranma's still raw and pulverized skin.
Objectively looking at Ranma, she saw see that the
wound, not only a long way from being healed,
seemed to be in its worst state right now. A tint
now -- then (tenses)
Nabiki also heard something; the rustling of
sheets in Akane's direction was faintly audible.
"Don't have too much fun now, Akane" Nabiki
whispered into the darkened room. "You're not
married yet, remember?" Nabiki snorted with self-
absorbed glee and felt no shame whatsoever. She
loved herself.
Remarkably shallow.
But his holy chapel was finally breaking, joining
the long dead world it was built for. The Purest
reality gaily babbled through the lonely memorial,
the force of its cascades breaking down the sacred
pillars and solemn statues.
So Ranma was always meant to be a girl? The conept of Ranma as a
male was always false, or otherwise impure?
Ranma opened her eyes and saw skin; it was smooth,
firm yet soft, and very close. Ranma realized her
head was resting between Akane's left shoulder and
chest, thus affording an excellent view of what
lay above the V-neck of Akane's pajamas. Next to
that wide sea of pink, Ranma could also see the
overwhelmingly cute creatures on Akane's
overwhelmingly cute sleeping
shirt...they appeared
to be cats with creative liberties taken,
especially on each of the two tails.
Shouldn't the cats unnerve Ranma just the smallest bit?
"Ranma!" The two looked up. The family was awake
now, watching them intently. Soun's voice
continued. "How dare you do that to my daughter!"
What?
"Boy, you disgrace me." Ranma shuddered; her
father almost spoke in unison with Akane's. She
looked from face to face. Kasumi's face brooked no
anger, but subtly shook
>from side to side in sorrow, with a grandfather's
clock careful precision. Nabiki only smirked.
Eh? The others I can see, but I imagine that Soun and Genma would be
estatic to see some sign of the two growing close.
"Oh, don't be too upset. Daddy does this for
anyone molesting his daugther." Nabiki was
rewarded by a very loud and violent thump. The
family was surprised to hear anger, newly
converted from sorrow.
daugther -- daughter
And does he? He hasn't yelled at Kuno, has he?
"Nabiki, maybe you shouldn't tease Ranma so much."
"Right, Kasumi."
And Soun and Genma's indignation? What happened to that?
Akane angrily looked on as the family got up.
Nabiki was munching on an apple, lovingly left by
one of Aizawa's assistants, while Kasumi, still in
her nightgown, started the morning's feast. As a
contrast to Kasumi's productivity, Father and
Saotome-san focused intensely on yet another game
of Shogi. Akane watched as Father swiped another
piece. If they spent as much effort playing as
they did cheating...it occurred to Akane to wonder
where the board came from. Was it the same board
they used at home? For all of the times Akane saw
the board father used at home, she couldn't
conjure up any details about it.
lovingly left -- they would know this how?
Would Ranma know? He probably would, and he'd tell
her any good martial artist would observe their
natural environment. But she wouldn't have said
that last night, she wouldn't have said anything
of the sort. Last night, it was as if Ranma
suddenly...suddenly...
suddenly... -- suddenly.... (Elipses that terminate a sentence
should be trailed with a period.)
But after yesterday, the injustice was reduced to
a mere inevitability. Neither of them could help
the differential in their fighting or cooking
skills, nor did it matter, at least not in the
end. Little did. Her righteousness was crumbling,
and with it, came a dulling acquiescence that
begged immediate resolution.
That passage is needlessly convoluted.
A few moments later she was treated to a still
female Ranma, who mumbled a thank you to Kasumi
She was treated to, or she was treated to a view of?
Akane could see where Ranma was focusing. Her
fianc� was looking out at the ocean, the horizon,
and the sand. She stood, mesmerized by the nearby
river, and how it ran through the rocky beach. The
beach was covered by smooth, worn rocks,
diminished by time and weather. Her gaze followed
the contour of the shore to where the beach was
overwhelmed by the cliffs of a familiar bluff, a
buttress against the waves, it's sole charge to
safeguard a gnarled tree that stood on the cliff.
It hung precipitously hung over a watery doom, but
I'd advocate dropping an instance of 'hung', there.
was anchored into the rock. The stony cliff that
supported it was barren, and rocky...even grass
was absent, only the lone tree persevered in its
loneliness. But from Ranma's view, she could see
lone, loneliness (Repetition)
where the ocean's tide dashing against the rocks
had left its mark, and she could see the cliff
already receding, leaving only a thin overhang to
safeguard its solitary ward. Eventually, the rock
would retreat further, leaving only an abandoned
tree to crash to its grave. What would happen to
the rock? She looked down at her feet, covered
with the ancient rocks, ground down. Were all of
these once cliffs? Was she standing on a graveyard
of thousands of once-majestic bastions of
unyielding strength, made casualties of the harsh
water? She picked up a rock...it was useless,
small, refined...but, she mused, almost soft to
the touch- and appealing to look at. She idly
recalled that Akane had a few rocks like these on
these -- those (I think)
her desk, something to look at and feel during
idle moments, or maybe during a long night of
studying. Ranma watched Akane walk up, and she
threw the rock into the river. It made a small
splash, but the ripples were soon washed away by
the river's unceasing flow. She could throw
another rock, but the results would be the
same...the inevitability of the river's victory
over the rock seemed so unfair, but...for once,
oddly fitting. She tensed slightly, as if bracing
for Akane's words. They came, as expected, but
Ranma's preparations were still woefully
inadequate.
Ugh. That prose is so thick it wallows. You've already instilled a
thorough enough sense of futility into the story -- that's just
belabouring the point needlessly.
Also, that paragraph is too long.
"Ranma..." Silence. Akane tried again. "Ranma, is
it still hurting?"
"Ranma..." -- "Ranma...." (Terminating a sentence with an elipses, etc.)
"Just...just don't worry 'bout it, okay?" Ranma's
inability to meet Akane's eyes told that she
herself was unable to do what she had just
requested. "Don't go thinking that I'd wanna'
touch an..." Her voice, originally choked, tapered
off into nothing. She turned away from Akane,
favoring instead the expanse of overcast ocean.
an..." -- an...."
"An...an uncute tomboy like you." Ranma finished
her statement. Akane could barely hear the final
words, but could fill in the rest of the well-worn
phrase by herself, without straining to hear.
you. "Ranma -- you," Ranma
Ranma looked out at the misty waters. The gray
subdued the ocean, but couldn't suppress its
appeal. The endless whitecaps, stretching out
further than she could see, seemed to have a
beautiful order to them, almost as if the rows of
random ebbing and flowing were together chaotic in
unison.
ebbing and flowing what? Feels like a word is missing from that.
"Ranma, its okay-"
its -- it's
"Damn it! Whatthe hell is this? What's with all
these damn cliffs?" This time, Ranma had landed on
her hands and knees, her facing several inches
facing -- face (?)
"Akane, I'm fine! No really! Maybe I wasn't last
time, but now I am! Damn it, Akane!"
I usually see that as 'Damnit'.
"Ohhh...Akane-chan, I'm sorry to-"
In one smooth motion, Ranma stuck her legs out,
locked them around Akane's and pulled. Akane's
knees buckled, and she lost her balance. Ranma
quickly shot her arm up to slow her descent, and
Akane was gently lowered into the ferns as well.
How exactly is Akane carrying Ranma so that Ranma can trip her in
such a manner? I can't really imagine it. It might be due to my still
feverish state, though, so take my complaint with a cup of salt.
The trees played in elegant rhythm, swaying to the
wind's graceful lead, under the clouds that
forever denied the sun's maternal embrace.
Thickness of imagery... overbearing....
That aside, I believe that the sun is traditionally a paternal symbol .
Time drew on until, for comfort's sake, Ranma
turned so that one fern in particular wouldn't
poke her in the neck. Akane found she was directly
looking into Ranma's eyes. And Ranma was looking
at hers. Akane suddenly realized where that
flicker of recognition she felt had came from,
>from the dinner table, with Auntie Saotome. It was
when Auntie was talking about Ranma, about the
times they shared before Ranma left to train...
and Akane had lightly passed her eyes over Ranma,
only to be riveted by the expression she saw. It
was the same, it was...
was... -- was....
It was the look on Ranma's face when he had
arrived from China, the look of someone so tied to
a past life and lost memories that they had been
driven away by life's unceasing flow, the look of
someone longing to cut themselves loose. Akane
only now saw how brazenly accepting Ranma had
wanted to be, ever since their very first time in
the dojo. Neither of them had understood it. They
shouldn't have been so courageous, Akane knew, but
there was no time for remorse.
'their very first time' what?
"Ranma..." Akane's call roused Ranma, her reverie
halted, her eyes once again focusing on those of
Akane.
"Ranma..." -- "Ranma...."
And I thought that Ranma was already looking into Akane's eyes.
"After last night? Sure, no problems. Not one, not
at all." Despite Ranma's words, Akane heard the
uncertainty in her voice, the terror, but also
the...
the... -- the....
"Our fight this morning? Yeah, I'm...fine..."
fine..." -- fine...."
"No Ranma..." Akane gently moved her hand from
"No Ranma..." -- "No, Ranma...." (Elipses and commage)
Ranma's shoulder to lie lightly across Ranma's
waist. They were both oblivious to the world
around them. "I mean you." Ranma 's only response
"Ranma 's" -- Looks like an extra space there.
was to allow her jaw to drop ever so slightly,
parting her lips and letting her jaw hang in rapt
oblivion. Akane tightened her grip around Ranma's
waist, and was rewarded by a short gasp from
Ranma. Ranma's face was conflicted, a look of
helplessness etched.
Repetition, 'jaw'.
Etched... where? 'there etched', perhaps?
"I..." Ranma looked close to tears. "I..." Akane
saw Ranma bow her head in resignation, her
breathing heavy and almost labored. "No,
I'm...not..." Ranma hung her head in shame. But
suddenly, her eyes were lit by an intense passion.
Ranma jerked her head directly above Akane's.
"I..." -- "I...." (both instances)
not..." -- not...."
Akane on impulse closed her eyes. Akane sensed
Ranma's breath, and a moment later, Ranma applied
a soft, sensual pressure from her lips to Akane's.
She immediately tensed. Her eyes sprung open, to
see Ranma's face amazingly close, her eyelids shut
so strongly that they quivered, her breath held in
apprehension. But Akane understood. Ranma, after
Akane's silence, raised her head in concern,
opening her questioning eyes. That tragically
innocent face, that vulnerable look was enough to
make Akane aggressively pull Ranma down again, for
a more passionate embrace, one that would leave no
doubt. Akane could swear she heard Ranma sigh in
relief, and saw Ranma's eyelids, still shut, drop
their tension.
"Akane..." Ranma ended the kiss, voicing her
fianc�'s name.
fiance -- fiancee (Unless Akane is a boy.)
"Ranma..." Akane, for once, responded with the
same tender tone. Ranma looked at her, smiling so
perfectly. Akane fell back into the ferns, taking
Ranma with her.
"Ranma..." -- "Ranma...."
Which is what made the tryst in the ferns so
delicious, Akane reflected as she sat on a couch,
looking out at the ocean. Ranma lay sprawled over
the same couch; her head reclined in the warmth of
Akane's lap,a blanket covering her body. Her
family had been oblivious, content to revel in the
pathos of a recent Shogi game, revealed by the
enthusiastic fathers to the amused sisters. But
really, this came to Akane as no surprise; her
family would disinterestedly watch the end of a
world, even her own, she knew. Because her father
could only ask how his girls were, and her sisters
could only tell about an odd dream, or an
interesting article in a magazine. Or any of the
other millions of directionless tidbits in a life,
devoid of meaning and purpose. That's how it had
always been, ever since the loss of Akane's
mother, and she usually would join her sisters in
that idle family distraction. She could have told
a joke that would have made them all chuckle, as
she'd stored a few good stories from school, just
for this vacation. But as she sat on the couch and
stroked Ranma's crimson locks, she knew she could
do something more important now, a thing in one
moment essential and fleeting. And so she did.
That's a very long paragraph.
Questioningly, "It might be better later...you
know, maybe after the clouds burn off."
You might want to reword this one -- I don't think you can lead into
dialogue from prose like that.
*******
The End
*******
Please do whatever with whatever C&C you
have...email me at haxchan@yahoo.com, post it to
FFML...And be as critical as you want about
whatever you want. No matter how idiotic your
suggestions are, I'll listen to them. And if
they're *good*, so much the better.
Done.
Props to Sunny Day Real Estate. The Rising Tide is
a song (and album) of theirs. Also, their lyrics
provided some inspiration for some of the scenes,
and the following lines are used...without permission.
And for you musical infidels,
they *did* go on to become the Foo Fighters.
SDRE Quote In Fic:
"I wonder how many days I'll bleed" - Fool in the
Photograph
Others
"My Righteousness is crumbling" - I Just Threw Out
the Love of My Dreams, Rentals
"You should try not to be so courageous" -
Courage, Alien Ant Farm
Thanks to Sam Brown (www.gameart.com/4ca) for his
3ft program line parser that gives me an excuse to
muck around with w2k's command line. Righteous.
Thanks to my pre-readers, JefferyD@epimp.com (of
Take Off Your Clothes fame...interesting title,
exceptional quality) in particular for his kindly
worded 'no Monty Python jokes' advice and initial
encouragement. And thanks in advance to whomsoever
decides to contact me.
And last but most, thanks to Rumiko Takahashi. It
always worries me that out of such a wonderful
tale as Ranma, I mostly picked sorrow. But perhaps
that's why I write in a basement, and she writes
in the spotlight of the world.
Usually the disclaimer goes at the begining of a fic. Still....
I found the prose to be heavy-handed, and the imagery overbearing.
That probably comes across as unneccesarily harsh, but I think you can
make a much better story out of what you have, for what it's worth. Then
again, I may just be cranky because I stayed up very late (sorry,
Usa-chan) C&Cing this when I said I would be sleeping, and hence,
recovering.
For what it's worth, this is your story, so what you do with it is
your call. Good luck with it.
Now I go...
o/` ...to dream of watermelons most round, hotsprings most warm,
turtles most flighty, and other ephemerial, Mutsumi-ish things. o/`