Hold on to your hats folks Gregg's been writing and you can
expect to laugh hard at his latest...

0MAKE-----------------

"Put your money where your mouth is, that's all I'm saying,"
said Fleece.

"ME?!" Toltiir held a paw against his chest. "Impersonate
Genma? Are you
sure you want to lay that challenge down?"

"You're the one who stated that 'almost anyone would be a
more acceptable
father than Genma' weren't you?" Fleece studied the cat with
a smirk on her
face.

"Actually, no, I didn't. Still... the idea has *some*
merit." Toltiir
blurred and there were suddenly two cats. Another blur and
one of the cats
looked sort of like Genma.

"Are you supposed to be Genma Saotome?" Nabiki asked in a
dry voice. "Genma
doesn't wear plaid, much less a kilt..."

"Artistic license."

"..or have rippling muscles..."

"He thinks he does."

"...nor does he have that much hair..."

"Force of habit."

"...and he certainly doesn't play the bagpipe."

Toltiir-genma sagged a little. "No bagpipe?"

Fleece shook her head.

"Well phooey." The bagpipe and Scottish ceremonial outfit
was replaced by a
dingy, formerly white, gi. "The difference is, *I* can make
this look good."

"Right..." Fleece shook her head. "Now... what *are* you
doing?"

"Genma" was sitting back in a recliner, a wall screen TV in
front of him,
clicking a remote control while munching on a bag of
Unryuu-brand BBQ Pork
Rinds (tm).

The other, more feline looking, Toltiir answered. "Looking
for a timeline
that's suitably dark and nasty and no fun."

"Got it," said the Genma version. "See, it's one of those
multiple crossover
thingies, and Crystal Tokyo dies a nasty horrible death when
the Swarm come
in and destroy everything. So..."

--------------

Queen Serenity, formerly a girl named Usagi, dropped
unconscious and dying -
she'd thrown everything she had into the battle. Nothing had
worked.

Sailor Pluto panted slightly, watching as the energy-beings
known as The
Swarm entered the Palace. Everything that could be done had
been done, every
force that could be brought to bear had been. In the first
thirty minutes
since the Swarm had entered the solar system, fifteen
billion people had
died. Including all the Inner Senshi.

"Now if you look to the right, you'll see the burning
remains of Crystal
Tokyo," said a black furred cat walking on his hind legs and
holding a tall
pennant in one hand. The pennant read "Temporal Tours".

"Who? What? Where?" Sailor Pluto wasn't quite ready for
this.

"Oh, excuse me, my business card." The cat handed Sailor
Pluto a card and
placed another in the mouth of the fallen Serenity.

"'Toltiir, former god of Chaos, Elder god of Mischief,'"
read the red-eyed
Senshi.

"Now my deal, SetSunny, is quite simple," Toltiir waved a
paw. The Swarm,
millions of energy absorbing creatures a dozen times more
powerful
individually than an Eternal form Senshi, abruptly turned
into koosh balls.
"I *could* respect the sanctity of the timeline and not do
anything, leaving
the Swarm to extinguish all life in this solar system."

Sailor Pluto blinked as she realized one of the
semi-transparent beings had
apparently made it as far as this room, as a koosh ball had
just dropped
from the ceiling. "O-kaaay." The Senshi of Time was still
feeling a little
numb. She was alive, and her Queen was alive, so she was
listening.

The cat abruptly became a labcoated individual with wild
hair. Setsuna
immediately recognized Christopher Lloyd's character from
"Back To The
Future." "Or I could just accept that this is an unhappy
ending and make an
alteration. The K'Tee, you see, are a nonsentient lifeform -
about as
intelligent as a bee when you consider 'em as individuals.
Hive structure -
in a manner of speaking - so a full Swarm is about as
intelligent as a pack
of wolves."

"Ah," said the Guardian Of The Gate Of Time as she listened,
aware that the
Queen was also conscious and listening now.

"The Swarm developed in the furnace of a galactic core,"
continued the
professor. "Any force used against them will be absorbed.
They are drawn to
forces of Order, and the more powerful and regulated, the
more they're drawn
to it. So, in any universe where there is a Swarm and the
sort of heavily
regulated Crystal Tokyo you've built here, they'll swarm
right over you."

"All my citizens, all those people." Serenity drew herself
up. "What must we
do?"

"Simple," said the Professor, materializing a blackboard and
scribbling on
it. " A little less predictability and a twist in the past.
I prescribe a
Chaos Factor. This will keep your own forces stronger and
provide a degree
of defense."

"No, Crystal Tokyo must be..." Sailor Pluto slumped. "Never
mind."

Another blur and the professor changed to a circa 1965
California surfer
boy.  "Like, dudes, check out the window. That's, like, the
present-future
we be talkin' about as a possible. If ya think it's
something ya can deal
with, then just give me permission to engage an Inner Senshi
to a guy named
Ranma Saotome."

"You have *this* level of power," said Setsuna Meiou,
gesturing outside at
the crowded plaza. "Why not just do it?"

The surfer grinned and shrugged. "Hey, it's *your* timeline.
Might as well
ask permission."

"If it would benefit the people," said Serenity as she
listened to distant
music carried to the window on the breeze, "I would engage
*all* the Senshi
to this man."

The surfer looked startled for a moment then laughed. "Oh, I
can definitely
work with that."

-----------

Genma tossed the little boy into the pit. He hadn't been
able to read the
waterlogged manual that well. Ne-something had to be in the
pit. After some
contemplation and looking around, he'd been able to gather
up hundreds of
hungry "nezu" - rats. Starving them and keeping them for
several days in a
pit, Genma had at last been ready to teach his son this
invincible
technique.

"AAAAAAAAA! Daddy! They're biting me!"

Genma sighed. What a weak little child he was to train.
"Stop whining like a
little girl!"

"Aaaaaa-***"

Toltiir frowned. This was decidedly *not* funny. Which would
never do,
obviously. No. Not even vaguely. How to correct this, that
was the question.
Something subtle and tasteful. Ah, there we go. Perfect.

Genma blinked as a black cat ran around him, counter
clockwise, thirteen
times, while some music box played "Pop Goes The Weasel" in
the background.
He had barely touched that bottle of sake, so this was
*most* peculiar.

*WHAM!*

Genma picked himself up, wondering how in the world a grand
piano had landed
on top of him. It was a good thing he was a tough martial
artist or that
could have done serious damage to him!

*CLANG!*

Blinking rapidly, Genma looked at the large metal weight
labelled "3 tons"
which he had just barely managed to avoid. "This means
something." He looked
around and could see no sign of that black cat. He glanced
up. "EEEP!"

"THOOM!"

Genma began to run, which actually saved him from having
Sputnik (or a
reasonable facscimile) slamming into his head at high
speeds. As it was it
created a crater which freed the rats, who naturally fled.

A black cat wearing a cheerleader outfit stood atop a roof,
waving pom-poms.
"G-E-N-M-A, who the heck gives a hey! Go Genma, Go Genma.
The further the
better. Thank you." The little pom-poms got thrown away.
"Okay. Next."

--------

The little girl looked down shyly, not sure of what she was
supposed to do.
She'd just come in to visit her mother at work, and she'd
found herself
ushered into this room with a heavily injured boy.

Said boy looked with his one unbandaged eye at the little
girl blushing and
fidgeting, who had just handed him a flower. What he was
supposed to do with
a flower he had no idea. The girl, however, was really nice.
"Cute."

Ami blushed even further.

The man outside the room held a finger in front of his lips,
and motioned
for the lady doctor to follow him to nearby. "You know, poor
Ranma could use
someone to read to him while his injuries heal. That sort of
thing. They
seem to get along well."

"You just recovered your son from this thief, I'd think
you'd want to spend
more time with him yourself," Kumori Mizuno said with a
raised eyebrow.

"I think it will take me some time to establish certain
legal matters,
apparently this false 'Genma Saotome' has ties to the
Yakuza. Poor Ranma."
The man loosened his tie and scribbled out a check. "Of
course, you'll be
reimbursed in full for the time your daughter spends with
him."

"I'm sorry, but Ami..." Kumori's eyes widened as she noticed
the figures on
the check he was offering her. "hah?!"

"Of course, I'll make it out to her college fund if you
prefer," the man
smiled and placed the check in her hands. "My poor son,
being horribly
abused by that foul imposter, is going to need tutoring and
some social
instruction before he can come home."

Doctor Mizuno finally dragged her eyes off the numbers to
look at the
account the check was drawn from. Her knees momentarily
sagged. "You're..."

"Please, Doctor. Those of my social standing dislike
publicity and the sort
of scandal this could cause. Will you assist me in this
regard?"

The pediatrician nodded, a little numb.

The man smiled as he looked back at the room. "They get
along very well.
Hmmmm. By the way, Doctor, since they *do* get along fairly
well, perhaps an
arrangement should be made."

----------

Toltiir, currently disguised as a dashing young bank CEO
with ties to the
Imperial Family, flicked a set of keys up into the air and
let them hang an
extra moment or two in midair before catching them.

So far, things had progressed fairly well.

Ranma's injuries had been fairly extensive, and convincing
him that Genma
had not been his real father had been fairly easy and not
requiring magic.
Well, the convincing him part. Especially with the help of
both Ami and her
mother. People *wanted* to believe that a child's own father
wasn't
responsible for this.

One week with Ranma and Ami getting along *wonderfully*
before one Doctor
Kumori Mizuno had gone along with the engagement of her
daughter Ami to
Ranma Saotome.

Three days had been required for one Makoto Kino to fixate
on her sempai.
Her father had little problem with the marriage contract,
especially as
there was a rider on it that Makoto herself could invalidate
it when she
reached sixteen.

A similar arrangement with a Mr. and Mrs. Aino had taken two
days and a
display of wealth. They wanted their little girl (given to
theatrics and
poor grades even at this age) to be taken care of. Little
Minako did seem to
get along with little Ranma, so why not?

Toltiir considered Haruka Ten'ou, currently enrolled in a
school in
Yokohama, and Michiru Kaioh in Chiba. Difficult, but a
little wheeling and
dealing with the parents had gotten the papers drawn up.

Ukyo Kuonji, even simpler. Though ten years of vengeance and
that sort of
thing didn't strike the Elder god of mischief as being
particularly
humorous. So, another open-ended marriage contract, and the
dowry was paid
to her father who could then use the funds to open a bigger
restaurant.

Now things were getting more *interesting*.

--------

Cologne sat back, having her afternoon tea, looking across
the practice
field and wishing that something less boring would occur.
The problem with
living this long was that you tended to see it all, and
ennui was a constant
battle.

"Great Grandmama," piped a perky purple-haired five year
old, "do you want
more tea?!"

*SPLURSH!*

The now-soaked girl sniffled and put the tea tray down.
"...I thought you
liked my tea..."

Cologne stared. The boy was nothing special. Well, he had a
strong chi. The
"Japanese businessman" accompanying him was something else
altogether and
the first sight of him had caused her to spit tea all over
her great (great
great) granddaughter.

Another Elder, Cologne's most persistent thorn/opposer, had
obviously
detected the same thing. As it was a *male*, she responded
in her usual
fashion. Bi Dea attacked with a blow that should have been
instantly fatal.
She was moving faster than could be followed by normal eyes,
registering
only as a blur even to Cologne who could emulate that speed
herself.

Bi Dea, a 250 year old Amazon Elder, abruptly ceased to be.
Cologne twitched
slightly, ignoring Shampoo, as she noted the presence of a
baby bawling its
lungs out in the shade of a nearby tree. Going quickly to
it, and around the
Being, Cologne determined that this was a baby *boy* and
that he had the
same color eyes and hair as Be Dea had possessed. The thin
tree was of the
same wood as Be Dea's elder staff had been.

Cologne's eyes swiveled back to the strangers and she felt a
lurch in her
stomach as she noticed the two talking to Shampoo.

Across the distance, the man looked up and seemed to shimmer
briefly. For a
brief moment Cologne saw the man wearing a pair of winged
sandals, a
battered hat, and the snake-wrapped staff. Though her tribe
had not been
Greek, she knew of their legends and immediately placed a
name to the Being.
(She didn't know that Toltiir had impersonated Hermes a few
times, and vice
versa (mainly at parties) and that Toltiir was not actually
the Greek
messenger.) Hermes Trismegus, aka Mercury.

Cologne managed a forced and twitching smile. What do you do
when a being
capable of annihilating your entire village with an
eyetwitch comes
visiting? Be very very very *very* polite, of course.

---------

"So, what to do about the engagement between Ranma and
Shampoo?" Toltiir
smiled at the old woman.

"She can't be engaged to him," said Cologne as politely as
possible. "He
hasn't defeated her in combat."

"AHHH! Okay, Shampoo give up."

Cologne winced and looked outside to see where the boy had
pinned Shampoo in
an impromptu wrestling match. "Uhm, well... "

"Look, Cologne, do you mind if I call you Cologne?" The
sometimes-cat said
with a shake of his head. "If you honestly don't want
Shampoo to be engaged
to Ranma, that's fine."

"Good," sighed Cologne with relief. "No offense, but the
Greek pantheon has
never struck me as a particularly stable group."

Toltiir shrugged. "Most of the playwrights and historians
were agnostics or
atheists if you recall. They tended to slant things their
own way. Hebe, for
example, can be a real party animal - not that this ever
came out in any of
their dramas. Athena is much less stuck up and formal than
you'd think, and
Ares has recently mellowed out quite a bit."

"I... see..."

"Though I *really* want there to be a relationship between
Ranma and
Shampoo," continued the mischievous Elder. "They get along
fairly well.
Better than Mousse and Shampoo."

Cologne admitted that was so, but was still looking to
distance herself from
the Being.

"Rival with a grudge? Nah, too likely to turn Dark and
Brooding. I don't
care for Dark and Brooding. Besides, if he has *any* sort of
connection to
Shampoo, Mousse will be out for blood. Sister and Brother
maybe? Nah, that's
been done too often. Best friend and buddy? It's a
possibility..." Hermes
tapped his fingers briefly on the table, thinking and
checking neighboring
timelines. He didn't want to duplicate anything too much.

"Awww! What you do that for?"

Toltiir and Cologne blinked and as one turned to where
Shampoo was flipping
an enraged Mousse off and Ranma was wiping his mouth.

"Shampoo, did you give the Kiss Of Marriage to that boy?"
Cologne knew she
wouldn't like the answer.

"No, Great Grandmama."

Sigh of relief from Cologne.

"Tried to but I messed up." Shampoo went on to explain
exactly *what* she
had done wrong. Though her voice trailed off when she
realized her Great
Grandmother was twitching.

--------

Soun Tendo flipped through the mail half-heartedly. Bill,
bill, bill,
collection notice, postcard from the wife who had dumped him
for another
woman, bill, flyer for a new laundromat and sake bar, bill,
bill, odd
letter.

Focussing on the odd and official looking letter, Soun slit
it open before
he could settle down with the postcard and bawl his head
off.

"Dear Mister Soun Tendo,

"Congratulations!
 You and your family have won an all expense paid trip to
Northwestern
China!
 Simply call this toll free number to confirm and make the
schedule for a
week in rustic China touring some of the lesser known
sights. Great
bargains. Great food. Great opportunities.
 Henshin Tours"

Soun smiled. Just the thing for everyone to get out of the
house and maybe
begin to put their lives together again!

-------

Toltiir dusted his hands off. Jusenkyo had been *so* boring.
Spring Of
Drowned Girl? Ho hum. Spring Of Drowned Panda? Borrring.
Spring Of Drowned
Piglet? Been there, done that. Spring Of Drowned Cat? Dull,
dull, dull.
Spring Of Drowned Carp? Absolutely no fun *there*.

While he had thought about the possibilities, he'd idly
altered the
composition of the planet Uranus to 75% alcohol/15% fruit
juice/10% water,
with repercussions that were not immediately obvious. One of
the proto moons
orbitting that planet was altered to solidly frozen whipped
cream at the
same time.

After a long session (altering slightly to appear as a
generic
paint-spattered French artist), of "tweaking" the Cursed
Springs, Toltiir
was ready. A new template here, merging templates there,
switching things
around thus and so. He wasn't quite satisfied with the
results, but nothing
better had suddenly occurred to him.

Spring Of Drowned Catgirl had been a nod to Bast and that
Grey fellow,
irresistible in its way.

There were a lot of "mythological being" springs now. A few
endangered
species, and Panda had been altered to Hyperfertile Female
Panda just to be
nice. Certainly it would make the World Wildlife types
happier.

Still, Toltiir knew that restraint was *not* one of his
usual qualities and
he couldn't restrain himself to such tiny little things
constantly. He
needed to do some Mischief with a capital M.

Genma was out there still. He'd apparently learned that the
Widdershins
Death From Above curse would only affect him if he were
alone and out in the
open. For Genma of the "wild and free on the road"
lifestyle, this was
torture. It didn't matter too much though, Toltiir had other
fish to fry.

An idea occurred. In imitation of the human fashion, Toltiir
snapped his
fingers. Unfortunately this managed to turn Herb of the Musk
Dynasty female
mentally as well as physically, as well as inflicting a
doubly unfortunate
desire upon her to start reading romance novels (whatever
*they* were).
Which would unfortunately keep Herb and her two lieutenants
from ever
seeking the Unlocking Kettle.

Toltiir's idea was simple. Convince the poor boy that his
father had died,
come back and possessed a bank manager, then was returning
to the grave and
would be back later.

What was needed was something to keep the child occupied
until he'd worked
the large-scale mischief out of his system again.

Ah, just the thing!

The man held his hand out with thumb and pinky extended,
then placed the
thumb against one ear and the pinky in front of his mouth. A
ringing noise
echoed off the canyon walls a few moments later.

"Bast? Toltiir. Yeah, can you show up in this timeline for a
little while?
No, just a few days a week for a year. Use an Avatar or
something. What's in
it for you? Well, you know that 'Cat Fist Fury' timeline
you're having fun
with? I'll leave it alone. Good, good. I knew I could count
on you."

Hanging up the "phone", the Elder smirked, and began dialing
another number.
"Hey, Ptah? You know that timeline you've been working on?
Yeah, the one you
were trying to keep secret from me. Have *I* got a deal for
you..."

----ten years later----

Genma looked nervously around. Not that there was anything
unusual in this
behavior.

For five years he had lived like a troll under a bridge,
getting water and
food from the river underneath while waiting for someone to
come by that
could accompany him. It was because he had been stuck
underneath that bridge
that he had come to realize that one of the rats he'd thrown
into the pit
had actually been a kappa who had cursed him. For what he
had no idea.

However, just in case, he had apologized to any rats or
black cats he
happened to see.

Finally he had managed to tag along with this boy with a
bandana. A mutually
beneficial relationship. As long as he stuck close to Ryouga
Hibiki, nothing
fell on him. Ryouga benefited from his direction, both in
finding places
and in martial arts training. Ranma might be dead, but the
school could
continue in the Hibiki lad. Genma had even planned on
presenting Hibiki as
Ranma when the time arrived.

Jusenkyo had rather fouled up that idea.

"Here ya go, Ling Ling," said some gaijin, placing a bundle
of bamboo shoots
in the chute.

Genma greedily grabbed them, and eyed the opening of the
central area of the
enclosure. Just because nothing *had* fallen on him didn't
mean nothing
*would.* He'd grown fairly leery of open areas as a result.

The gaijin looked down at Genma from above, despite the
panda ignoring him.
"Ya getting some company today, Ling Ling! A *boy* panda."

Genma looked up at the gaijin. Didn't these people know he
was Japanese?
They should speak Japanese instead of this infernal gabbling
in English or
Chinese.

--------

The Tendo household was shunned by most of the neighborhood
as a center of
weirdness unparalleled in the rest of Nerima. Considering
that this was
Tokyo, and Nerima particularly, this actually had a bit of
weight to it.

An angry-sounding hummingbird was a usual visitor at the
Tendo place, and
this one zipped in the window of the kitchen.

"Oh, hello, Akane. Another bad day at school?" Kasumi
splashed hot water on
the hummingbird, then handed her sister a bathrobe as the
ten inch
hummingbird became five foot two inches of naked girl.

"When *isn't* it?" Akane growled as she shrugged the robe
into place around
her.

"Yuka and Sayuri again?" Kasumi started the next kettle
warming. Nabiki
would be along shortly, after all.

Akane went into overcute pose and voice. "'But you look so
cute like that'!
Arrgghh. Some friends they are. That Shiratori girl showed
up too. I am
*not* a Michelle!"

"She didn't try to catch Nabiki did she?" Kasumi wasn't
alarmed. Nabiki had
only been caught twice, and managed to escape on her own.
Each time she'd
also shredded Azusa's little room.

"No, she actually seems to avoid Nabiki for some reason."
Akane shrugged.
"Hope I can get my clothes back again. I liked that shirt."

"Well, Ukyo-san will usually get them for you," said Kasumi,
thinking of
that nice okonomiyaki girl that attended Furinkan. "Or that
Gos-san."

"Well, it was Yuka and Sayuri, so I expect they'll have
them. Unless Kuno
decided to grab 'em." Akane let out a deep breath.

"Well, don't go anywhere. Father has some sort of
announcement. Oh, here's
Nabiki now."

----------

Soun faced his three daughters over the table. Well, it was
two daughters
and a velociraptor at that particular moment.

"Uhm, today I learned the location of a 'Ranma Saotome',"
began Soun.

"Hsssss?! tk-tk-tk-tk-tk."

Sighing heavily, Kasumi got up to check the pot. Coming back
and dumping the
contents on the large lizard, she then sat next to the
dampened Nabiki.

Nabiki pulled a t-shirt out of nowhere and quickly slipped
into it. "Thanks,
Kasumi. Like I was saying: As in the 'Ranma Saotome' -
Japanese prince of
Libya?"

"Hmmm. You mean 'Ranma Saotome' - the streetfighting guy
rated in 'Martial
Artists Monthly' as one of the top ten martial artists in
the world?" Akane
frowned thoughtfully. Maybe she could get some lessons from
the fellow.

"Oh my," said Kasumi who felt she had to contribute her own
comment somehow.

"Oh, you've heard of him?" Soun blinked as two of his
daughters rolled their
eyes and looked exasperated.

"The martial artist hero who went into Libya for a
streetfight, was set upon
by darn near the entire police force, and ended up
conquering the nation?"
Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe." Actually if it *was* Ranma, Nabiki
had to find out
how he had done it. People were still not at all sure how
that had occurred,
including a number of Libyans. How Libya had gone from
impoverished nation
to world leader in bioengineered trees and crops, as well as
having some of
the best desalinization  and water dispersement technology
on the planet,
that was equally puzzling. There was no arguing though:
Libya was almost
entirely covered with farms and the beginnings of forests
now.

"The Ranma Saotome who crushed Sagat and thirty two Muay
Thai practitioners
when they tried to assassinate him in Bangkok last year?
BEFORE his
bodyguards could react? And then brushed the entire incident
off as 'a light
workout'?" Akane made a face as she set a magazine out.
"Obnoxious braggart,
but yeah I've heard of him."

"Oh my," said Kasumi, noting that the magazine had fallen
open to a creased
page revealing a young man who was tightly muscled and
currently shirtless.
"Oh dear, oh my."

"I was being sarcastic, Akane," Nabiki informed her sister.

"May I borrow this magazine, Akane?"

Akane nodded absently to Kasumi. "So what's the deal, Dad?"

Soun drew himself up, trying to look dignified. "When I was
training under
He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named..."

"You mean Happosai?"

"Don't say that name!!" Soun looked around wildly for a
moment. "Nabiki, you
know better. In any case my fellow initiate and sufferer was
named Genma
Saotome. He promised that his son Ranma would marry one of
my daughters."

"...hubba hubba..."

Nabiki glanced over at Kasumi and wondered if maybe her
elder sister had
been spending too much time in the house lately.
"Waitaminute. You're saying
that one of us is honor bound to marry *Ranma*?!"

"Yes, so we're going to plan a little trip."

Three winces. Remembering the *last* little trip they'd
taken.

"Maybe we shouldn't," said Akane. "After all one decent
splash and we've got
some major problems."

"Not to mention the security around him is likely to be
fairly tight."
Nabiki sighed. Pity though. She'd love a chance at living in
opulent luxury.
Preferably in an area where cold water was nowhere to be
found.

"Don't worry," said Soun Tendo. "I know what I'm doing."

"Now I'm worried."

"You said it, Kasumi." "Amen, sis."

-------

Ranma sneezed.

"Maybe is just allergies," suggested Shampoo hopefully.

"Lord Ranma, our neighbors are invading! Tanks are coming
across our
Southern border."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Ranma quite sincerely to the
young soldier.
Aside from the fact that it made a mess, sooner or later
there would be
casualties. "Go to Standby. Send out Atsuko." Amazing how
tipping over tanks
made them essentially useless.

Cologne tsked. "It's not like them to try the same tactics
over and over
again. It must be a diversion."

"Confirmed," said the soldier, listening to her commlink.
"Multiple invasion
points. Jets and helicopters. Ground troops as well."

Ranma winced. "Fine. Looks like we'll have to invade *them*
to get some
peace." At this rate he'd be glad when Usagi got her act
together and he
could retire.

--------

Ten years on the road had made Ranma a lot of friends and
acquaintances,
also contacts and those who would later rally to his banner.
Some of whom
were at the very least "unusual" by local standards, ranging
to "downright
alien" considering some of the worlds he'd visited.

Some of these had come to Ranma's assistance for no better
reason than what
they deemed a good cause.

"Red Group, lock S-Foils in attack position."

There were those who had been looking for a home.

"Vipers, charge weapon systems. Enemy detected at 25
klicks."

There were those who had just been looking for a good fight.

"Nichieju calvary. Amazons, we have TARGETS! Are we gonna
let Atsuko have
all the fun?" "HELL NO!"

There were those who were tired of their former jobs and
existence, and
wanted to retire to where they wouldn't face a constant life
on the run.

"...today is a good day to die... Better them than me."

There were those who didn't quite fit the local paradigm and
mainly just
wanted to have fun but would become quite upset at attacks
on their new
homeland.

"Catgirls, to your power armor!" "Nyowrrr!" "For the Pride!"

Finally, there were the odd ducks. Square pegs in a round
world where a
kingdom as bizarre as Ranma's actually had places where they
were not
considered quite so odd or freakish as might be the case in
Tokyo or some
other location.

"GUYVER!" "Armor Up!" "Hmmmph!" "Isn't there another way to
resolve this?"
"Are we there yet?" "Mercury" "Mars" "Jupiter" "Venus"
"Pluto" "Uranus"
"Neptune" "(cough) Saturn" "Moon" "Crystal Power, Make Up!"

The invaders possessed fighter jets, combat helicopters,
rifle and explosive
toting fanatics, tanks, missiles, and superior numbers. The
best weaponry
cocaine and other drugs could buy.

The defenders were a motley rag-tag collection of heroes and
those who
wanted to be heroes.

The battle was amazingly one-sided.

---------

"Ahhhh," said the stewardess, tripping and sending a large
ice tea towards a
certain set of seats.

"Oh dear!" Kasumi leapt to the right from her seat, rather
than become a
large mountain gorilla.

"Eeek!" Nabiki went from seated to clinging to the ceiling,
which was better
than having a velociraptor appear on a crowded airplane.

"Vummmmmmmmmm," vummed the hummingbird named Akane.

"Excuse me, miss, do you have any sugar water?" Kasumi well
knew how much
energy Akane's hummingbird used up, and her tendency on
changing back to
drink the stuff in gallon jugs.

"Make it *warm* water," advised Nabiki.

---------

Sailor Moon, aka Usagi Tsukino, was *not* the world's
greatest mecha pilot.
She lacked the enthusiasm of Rei for high energy weaponry,
the finesse of
Ami, the combat skills of Makoto, and (thankfully) Minako's
tendency to sing
"Lynn Minmei" songs while engaging the enemy.

Ranma's father had discovered that the Senshi, despite being
a sentai team,
did not have any cool color-coded mecha. He had brought in
some fellow to
develop said mecha over Luna's repeated protests. Said
fellow (Grape? Green?
Grinch?) was now apparently involved in a relationship with
one of the
Amazons who looked amazingly like Ami. He *had* however,
done as he had been
bidden (with lots of encouragement from a group of Amazons
who could be
twins of the Senshi) and built machines which had created
facilities which
had designed and built what could only be described as giant
robots or
mecha. Functioning mecha.

Usagi was currently screaming and running around, her
actions copied and
translated by the Reflex System to the  60 foot tall giant
robot White Lion
that she'd affectionately named "Kimba." She was also
ignoring Rei's radio
commentary about "cowardly lions".

"Maybe we should form Sailor Force?" Ami asked from inside
the Blue Owl.

"Only if *you* form the head this time, Ami-chan," said Rei
in a hopeful
voice from her cockpit inside Red Raven.

"Bwahahahahahaha! Take that, you morons! Feel the power of
love!"

"Minako-chan is scary," said more than one of the Sailor
Team.

Sailor Venus used her Crescent Beam. Receptors accepted the
energy,
amplified it a hundred fold, and Orange Tiger's "Crescent
Howl" attack dug a
thirty mile trench in the desert.

"Sailor Moon, use your Healing Escalation to purify that
city, that'll stop
all the shooting," advised Blue Owl.

"Right!" White Lion paused long enough to form the attack
and bathe the city
in white light.

--------

Mohammed stopped exhorting the crowd to destroy the infidels
that dared to
conquer their neighbor Libya. They hadn't allied themselves
with Israel
after all. Mainly he stopped because of the strange light.

The crowd went silent too as the white light washed over all
of them. Was
this some technological trick of the evil satanic Americans
and their pagan
Christianity?

Mohammed blinked repeatedly. Why had he been whipping the
crowd into a
frenzy of hate anyway? Didn't all this hate and violence
merely feed back
upon itself in an endless cycle? And if there weren't an
Israel, wouldn't it
just go back to being one sect of the Faith killing another
sect? Which was
odd since the Faithful should try to follow Mohammed's
preachings. Let the
mountain come to you, patience being a primary virtue.

The crowd grew thoughtful themselves. Why *were* they trying
to invade
anyway? Libya had never been exactly a particularly wealthy
or friendly
neighbor.

"So we should be trying to curry favor with our neighbors,"
advised
Mohammed, switching tactics. "Their water purification
plants, irrigation
equipment, and we could turn our desert into farms. Wouldn't
it be fitting
to become self-sufficient instead of relying on food being
shipped in from
outside our nation?"

Muttered murmurs of agreement. Lots of food and water
sounded good.

"They are not allies of Israel. They are not allies of the
United States.
*We* should be their allies," argued Mohammed with passion
as he got behind
this new concept. "What do we have to win by antagonizing
them?"

Mutters became encouraging shouts.

"Each of us could live lives of great wealth compared to
what we have now!
Instead of destroying, we could be building! These people
could be our
greatest friends!" Mohammed grew ever more passionate as he
thought about
the possibilities just irrigating the desert and
transforming the arid sand
to fertile soil through these newcomer's technological
wizardry.

More encouraging shouts answered Mohammed's latest
exhortation.

---------

"Sad," said Toltiir from where he watched. Being a being of
Chaos (though he
preferred Mischief which was Chaos with a few waivers and
restrictions) the
imposition of such a magnitude of Order was less dark and
nasty than
allowing the war to continue, but not as amusing as it could
have been had
things progressed a little further.

Hmmm. Maybe it was time for Sailor Moon's major attacks to
develop some
weird and occasional side effects.

---------

The Tendo plane debarked at New Tokyo International Airport.

Nabiki stared at signs of a technological level decades
ahead of what she'd
seen in Tokyo.

Akane wondered where the bathroom was.

Kasumi noted how clean everything was and wondered why Akane
was hopping up
and down. Oh, that's right. Three gallons of sugar water.
"There's a ladies
room sign over there, Akane."

*Zoom!*

Soun looked over the video displays and lamented over the
fact they had
arrived while a war was going on. He looked over the
power-armor wearing
guards with big guns and disdained the reliance on weapons
that these people
apparently had.

A tram pulled up and a mechanical voice sounded. "Please
identify. This unit
is seeking Tendo, Soun & Company."

"Yes, that's me." Soun blinked. Talking couches on wheels.
What next?

"Excuse me," said the tram. "If you will take a seat, you're
expected at the
palace."

"We ARE?!" Nabiki looked quite hopeful at this.

"Yes. Hurry please, we want to get started before the crowds
get going." The
tram gunned his engine a few times.

The Tendos stowed their baggage and took seats, and the
little tram raced
off.

A few minutes later the door to the Ladies Room opened and
Akane stepped
out, only to see no trace of her family. "...what...?!" A
flash through the
moving crowd showed a golf-cart like vehicle whisking them
away.

Akane thought for a few moments. There was no way to catch
them on foot.
That meant... Akane turned to a nearby water fountain.

*SPLASH!*

A ruby-throated hummingbird zipped off at high speeds in
pursuit.

-------

Toltiir was a little amused, as things were at last ready to
reach that
"test point."

-------

"And over to the right is the guest rooms for foreign
dignitaries," said the
Tram.

Nabiki had been cataloguing apparent value of her
surroundings and at first
it had been amusing and a way to pass the time. After the
first five minutes
the grin had faded from her face and she had begun going
into shock. After
ten minutes in past the gates of the Palace, Nabiki was
quite aware that she
was a small little tiny fish in the deepest part of the
ocean she'd ever
been in. This was *beyond* ostentatious. It was "obscenely
wealthy" in the
outer segments, and then suddenly was much less so - still
extremely wealthy
but the furnishings were more comfortable and durable than
obviously there
for show.

"If you look over to the left you'll find the greenhouses
where we're trying
to breed a better variety of wheat," continued the Tram.

What this translated to for Nabiki was here was someone so
incredibly
wealthy that they kept up appearances for those who were
awed by such things
but the inner circle didn't bother with any show of wealth.
They were
*beyond* wealth or material concerns. This was so very out
of her depth that
she wasn't sure what she could do about it.

"The kitchens as you can see are on our right now,"
explained the Tram.

Nabiki blinked. Kasumi had just stepped off the tram?!

-------

The smells had been irresistable. Fresh baked cinnamon and
apples, freshly
baked bread and meat pie, the unmistakable aroma of Korean
Barbeque somehow
not overpowering the other fragrances.

Kasumi had been off the annoying talking tram and through
the door before
any of the others could react. There she stopped, overcome
by the sights
before her.

Women and men, dressed in aprons, chattering about things in
odd languages,
but it was what they were doing that stilled her and brought
pangs of envy
to her heart.

The entire building was a big kitchen. Regular-sized
stations sat beside
huge scaled-up versions of regular kitchen equipment.
Barbequeing chicken
and slices of some red meat on grills, vegetables being
juggled and sliced
in midair, fish being broiled, pies being made, bread being
baked.

And over there... an empty spot. Beckoning her.

"Kasumi? Kasumi? Kasumi! Give me a hand with her, Nabiki."
Soun didn't
understand why his eldest daughter was standing there
trembling.

Nabiki looked at the huge kitchens and had a clue. For
Kasumi: cooking was a
way to center herself, an activity she enjoyed and practiced
as an Art even
more fastidiously than Akane practiced Anything Goes. THIS
was a challenge
and even a dream for her. "Come on, Kasumi."

They had to physically lift Kasumi up and onto the tram.

"Ahem," said the tram as they finally got Kasumi loaded
again. "As I was
saying on the left is our landing pad for our special... ah,
you're in luck.
Here's some of our special forces."

Nabiki looked at the various armored vehicles, the soldiers,
and the combat
mecha and leaned closer to her father. "Dad, if you're still
planning on
forcing this marriage if they're not going for it, I've got
one thing to
say. Don't."

--------

By the three got to the Audience Room, each of them had gone
into shock.
Soun with visions of weapons that could slice and dice him,
Nabiki with the
knowledge that obscene wealth didn't quite cover the whole
picture, and
Kasumi with (for the first time in her life) kitchen-envy.

Elsewhere, a panicked hummingbird was being chased at high
speeds by a
cyborg girl named Atsuko (Nuku Nuku) Natsume. ("Pretty
birdie!")

Soun nervously looked around. People in power armor, girls
with large guns,
a small group of scantily dressed cheerleaders (?!) arguing
in the corner,
and what looked like large combat mecha out of some anime
lined up in a row
overlooking this place. Soun was planning what to change and
what to keep,
and would anyone mind if he just took Ranma away so that
Ranma could take
over the dojo?

"Welcome," said the young boy on the throne in what could
easily pass as a
military uniform. "Sorry about the mess but we just had to
put down an
invasion. Dreadfully inconvenient you know."

"Uhm, yes, we're..." Soun glanced at the women on either
side of the throne.
There was the one big chair, occupied by Ranma. There were
also four chairs,
two on either side of Ranma, who had young women occupying
them. There was
also a pair of empties at the furthest on either side of the
pigtailed
youth.

"Soun Tendo, right? We've been expecting you," said Ranma
apparently
completely at ease. "I'd like you to meet Ami Mizuno,
Minister of Health."
This was a girl who looked slightly embarrassed on Ranma's
immediate right.
"Shampoo, who is liason to the Chinese Amazon contingent
here." This was a
purple haired girl wearing a modified Chinese banner dress
to the immediate
left of Ranma, one who looked suspiciously over the
newcomers as if
assessing their threat. "Ucchan or Ukyo Kuonji, Okonomiyaki
Chef Supreme and
my retainer." A girl in blue form-fitting power armor nodded
at them, but
she wasn't smiling and somehow looked very deadly. "Megumi
Morisato,
representitive of my Mecha Division." A shorthaired girl
absorbed in working
her laptop computer absent-mindedly waved. "And lastly we
come to Setsuna
Meiou, chief of Security." This was a haughty and
aristocratic looking woman
who also looked slightly amused for some reason.

"Uhm, yes, very nice," absent-mindedly mumbled Soun. "Uhm.
Your father and I
made an agreement several years ago..."

"...to unite the Tendo and Saotome lines so that Ranma could
take over your
dojo and carry on the Anything Goes school," interrupted
Setsuna, "so that
you and Genma could retire and play shogi all day and not
incidently bypass
certain problems with Japanese inheritance taxes on your
property."

"Uhm, yes," Soun allowed. "So my three daughters are:
Kasumi, she's 19;
Nabiki, she's 17; and Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like,
she'll be your
new fiancee."

"There's only two girls here, Tendo-san," pointed out Ukyo.

*Vuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm* *Whoosh!* That being the sound of a
panicked
hummingbird racing by with  a catgirl android in pursuit.

"Uhm, yes, well." Soun wondered when he'd lost control of
this situation.

Ranma sighed and leaned back in his chair. "You *do* realize
that the people
here regard having multiple wives as a desirable thing and a
sign of
stability in a ruler? And that I already have a few?"

"A few *WIVES*?!" Soun began to go into outraged father
mode.

*CLICK-CLICK!* *SHOOM!* *VEEEP!*

Suddenly realizing that weapons were powered up and pointed
at him, Soun
banished his Demon Head Attack. "Heh heh."

"I'll give them the chance, if they want it, but I'll find
jobs for them
around here so that they can get to know the place," said
Ranma with a nod.
"Oh, we'll arrange for you to return home and if they do
decide to stay or
go we'll arrange transportation for them."

"...but..." Soun glanced around. It looked like a "take it
or leave it" sort
of deal and he was unlikely to be able to get a better one.
"...all
right..."

-------

Toltiir sighed happily. "Well, that was *different* at
least."

Bast snorted. "So I see. Kasumi goes to work in the
kitchens. Nabiki goes to
work in Accounting. Nabiki stays honest because group
marriage or not, she
has her best chance of a comfortable beyond her wildest
dreams life that
route. Kasumi finds fulfillment in the kitchens and becomes
Assistant Head
Chef by the end of the year. Akane and Soun return to Nerima
to carry on the
Anything Goes school. Meanwhile Ranma goes on to have one of
the most
self-sufficient and technologically capable nations in the
region, with a
lunar colony developed before his first kid is born."

"Hotaru is rescued from her Mistress 9 persona," pointed out
Toltiir as he
fast-forwarded. "Hotaru then joins the rest of the Senshi
and ends up
getting married to Ranma one night when they're celebrating
the nation's
first satellite launch. Haruka (who is another one of
Ranma's fiancees)
finds that highspeed combat mecha are something she can
really get into, and
Michiru (yet another fiancee) becomes an internationally
celebrated musician
and artist. Because Haruka and Michiru didn't meet until
long after becoming
Ranma's fiancees, they plan on double-teaming him in *that*
department."

Fleece shook her head. "Poor Ranma. So much suffering. Don't
you think that
lacked restraint though, Toltiir?"

Toltiir sniffed. "Restraint? I'm not into S&M you know.
Mischief's my bag."

============

-----------
"We are all made - of starstuff." C.Sagan, "Cosmos"


http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com
http://www.geocities.com/mamoru_tengoku
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metroanime@mindspring.com



--
Rick Robinson
RICHARDROBINSON@prodigy.net


If violence is not solving your
problems you're just not using enough of it.

     Misato

"I guess I'm just an old-fashioned sentimentalist at heart.
I refuse
 to accept a no-win scenario.  I hate the thought of a
universe without
 justice.  If the maneuverings of dark powers can't be
exposed and
 defeated by the pure of heart, then there's no point in
anything.  I
 can't believe that."
                               -- Benjamin Hutchins



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