On Tue, Feb 12, 2002 at 09:32:08AM -0600, Tripolar Disorder wrote:
"Gene! Watch out!!" Yelled Jim as the ship was forced to dodge
'Yelled' shouldn't be capitalized.
Just as Malfina engaged the sub-ether drive, Gilliam announced.
Melfina
"Asia, Susuka, how about you two?"
Aisha, Suzuka
Melfina began giggling. "Hello Edward. Can you help us?"
Edward squealed. "Edward can help. Edward can help."
Spike, Faye and Jet all sweatdropped.
Gilliam spoke up. "Systems are being rerouted. Thruster control
has been restored. We are being manuvered into docking sequence
with the 'Bee.. Bop' Time until complete...."
Believability issue here. No matter how brilliant Ed is, she's only
familiar with the technology of her time. She's probably going to be
somewhat confused, at least at first. Think of what would happen if you
took a TV repairman from the 50's and put him in front of a modern TV.
No matter how brilliant he is, he's going to take time to adjust to the fact
that the familiar vacuum tubes have been replaced with little black chunks
of plastic...
Edward was busy playing with Melfina's hand. "You really a
computer?"
Melfina giggled again. "Yes I am Edward."
Ed: No, you're not Edward. Edward is Edward!
Just a little example of how missing punctuation can alter the meaning of a
sentence. You need a comma after 'am'.
Asia leaped up, clenching her fists. "I am not a computer. I am
a Kitaro-Kitaro."
Ctarl-Ctarl
"Fixed? We are stuck out here for the next twelve years. Better
get used to Gammamede sea rat." The fat man on ther other end of
Ganymede
---
Overall comments:
Where are you going with this? While crossing over two of the great 'space
cowboy' series from 1998 seems natural, you really need a plan for this,
rather than just, "Wouldn't it be neat if...'
I think that everybody got just a little too chummy too easily. Also, I
think that Aisha forgave Faye just a little bit too easily. As you said,
Ctarl-Ctarls are proud, and I can easily see the relationship between Faye
and Aisha being somewhat tense because of Faye's comment.
Well, I'll call a spade a spade and say that your grammar and diction really
suck. You really need help with it -- more help than I can provide over
email, I'm afraid.