C&C Below

It's been a while since I did C&C, so I thought I'd start with
something small.

---



Silence...

Where's the disclaimer naming the people who created the
characters you're using?

That was all that greeted her in this brand new day. No bird's

gram:  on this brand new day
punc:  birds
(bird's means "belong to bird")

chirping. Not the low hum of electricity. Not the muffled
rumbling of engines. Not the insistent noise of an alarm clock.

Be consistent in your use of No/Not.  It sounds like your
first sentence should be "Not the birds' chirping" or
"Not the chirping of birds".

Nothing to greet her but the gentle whistling of... wind? Wait,

gram:  Nothing greeted her
(It's about time for a verb.)

that was not it... It was more like the sound of someone's

suggest:  "No, that wasn't it."
(Try reading your text aloud.  Does it sound awkward?)

breathing. She wasn't alone? That made her awake faster. She

gram:  wake up faster
or:  awaken faster
(This is beginning to look like is was spell-checked by a
computer instead of a human being.)

suggest:  Wasn't she alone?
or:  Someone else was here?

feels the cold touch of fear creep up her spine.  Her heart

tense:  felt the cold
(You're using the past tense; stick with it.)

quickened as adrenaline began to course through her veins.

Your opening paragraph felt choppy -- you used lots of short
sentences (and sentence fragments), which broke up the natural flow.
 

She looked around the room. Everything was racked. The walls were

suggest:  was wrecked
or:  Everything was in ruins
(Again, was this spell-checked by a computer?  It will supply
a word that's spelled correctly -- like "racked" -- but not
the *right* word.)

cracked. The floor looked like it hasn't been swiped in years.

tense:  hadn't
sp:  wiped
(Did someone really swipe the floor?  That's mighty impressive,
stealing the entire floor with no one noticing! :)

The furniture was ruined. There was debris everywhere.  Simply

Yet again, you're using lots of small small sentences.
suggest:  Everything was a mess -- the walls were cracked,
the furniture was ruined, and there was debris everywhere.

put, everything was in shambles. ("Where am I?") she asked

What's with the parentheses?

herself, not recognizing the room. ("What is this place?") It

looked like it was made if wood. (Wood? I thought the room was
pearl white.  

Why can't a wood room can't be pearl-white?  Ever hear of paint?
suggest:  The walls were made of varnished wood.
or:  bare wood
or:  unfinshed wood
(Whatever you mean.)

Okay, something screwy's going on with your line breaks starting
here.  It really ruins the legibility.

Must have been a dream...)

 

Although she didn't know were she was there was still a sense of
familiarity.  

punc:  she was, there was

Suddenly she realized where she was: the Tendo's house, right in
the middle of 

punc:  The Tendos'
(Which means "belonging to the Tendos," as
opposed to your "belonging to the Tendo.")
 

the sitting room.  Near her where the Tendo's middle daughter,
Nabiki, and her 

sp:  Near her were
punc:  Tendos'

own son, Ranma. A flash of gold came through her mind for a
second, but she 

suggest:  Her son Ranma was near, as well as the Tendos'
(Sounds a little less awkward than using "her own son.")
 

inputted it to the night's dream.

Huh?  What does it mean to "input something into a dream"?
DId she start dreaming, and incorporated what she saw?  Or
did she dismiss what she saw, assuming it was a dream and
not real?
 

The three of them were all sprawled around the sitting table...
or what was left 

of it.  Now fully awake, she noted that the room itself has seen
better days. 

tense:  had seen

(Looks like my son's fiancee brigade visited again.) She mused.

punc:  visited again,
cap:  she mused
(The quote does not end the sentence, so don't use a period or
capitalize the next word.  Also, I still don't understand what
the parentheses are for.)

suggest:  my son's girlfriends visited
(I can't see Nodoka using the term "fiancee brigade.")
 

She managed got up, after freeing herself of her son's arm that
pressed on her. 

gram:  managed to get up
gram:  herself of her
 

A quick glance at the garden told her that there was a problem.
It was ravaged. 

What, exactly, is this "problem"?  That she'll have to plant
more flowers?  I think you mean that she's seen something else
that makes her think that something's wrong.

The pond was empty, the little tree siding it was not there, and
the grass was 

replaced by mud. Even the wall surrounding the Tendo estate was
just a pile of 

pebbles.

Again, you have repetative sentences, restating the same
thing three different ways.  It doesn't read naturally.
 

Trembling a little, she walked outside, not caring about the fact
that she wore 

no shoes. What stood not that far away triggered something in the
back of her 

mind. With eyes not of her own she looked through distant
memories and she saw a

royal court with sublime resses, an imposing palace pearl white,
and peace all 

Sublime resses?

suggest:  pearl-white
(As opposed to a white palace made of pearl.  Actually, I'd suggest
using a synonym, instead of repeating the "pearl white" from the
description of the room.)

around. She saw people she knew and yet didn't recognize either.

 

Troubled by all these mental pictures, she shacked her head to
clear it, and then looked back at the structure that messed up
her head.

The structure "messed up her head"?  Huh?

sp:  shook her head to clear
(Again with the spell-checker.)

What she saw was a magnificent pearl white palace, looking a lot
like the one 

she saw in her little spell. And yet this one was different...

You just used the term "pearl white"; use something else.
suggest:  saw a magnificent palace, matching the one from her
    dream-like memories, but with one difference...
   

It was made of crystal...

 

---

As I was reading, I was distracted by the numberous minor errors,
and the choppy writing.  Unfortunately, I didn't find anything very
compelling to keep my interest.

Nodoka wakes up, has weird flashbacks/premonitions, and sees a
crystal tower.  It's just too abstract; it doesn't get my attention.
I can't even identify with Nodoka, as you don't use her name!
(For all I know, this is an alt fic where Serena is Ranma's mother.)

Why is Nodoka using a vaguely derrogatory/dismissive term to refer
to Ranma's suitors (the "brigade"), and why is Nabiki with Ranma?

It sounds like the intro to a Get-Ranma-Away-From-Everyone-
And-Start-Over-With-The-Author's-Favorite-Female-Character fic.

Those stories just don't interest me.  I *like* the characters of
Ranma; that's why I read it.  Why wouldn't I want to read the
story if half of the cast has been removed?

But I ramble onto pet peeves.  Your fic might be nothing like what
I describe.  But if it isn't, you might want to ask yourself why I
thought it *would* be.  If your teaser is giving the wrong impression,
maybe it should be tweaked?

Regardless, I'd suggest trying to rewrite this to be less choppy.
Don't use two of three sentences after each other that have the same
structure ("Not A.  Not B.  Not C." or  "X was broken.  Y was broken.
Z was broken a slightly different way").  Variety!

Try reading the words aloud and see if they sound natural.  And get
a prereader or your co-author to look over your work and correct
the spelling.  The computer is not your friend!

Good luck, 


Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall            "There's a lot of things I *should* do..."
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying


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