Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma][Fanfic] An Important Decision
From: "Ginrai" <ranmafics@hotmail.com>
Date: 2/12/2002, 11:12 PM
To: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
CC: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>


Woo-hoo!  C&C only a few hours after I posted! ^_^

*gasp* A Ginrai post? Might it be more of Crossing the Line? Finally?

Umm....  Next question! ^_^;

An Important Decision
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic
by Ginrai


    Ah, well. I'm sure it'll be just as good.

Here's hoping.

Leaning against a side of the Tendou Dojo, Ranma stared at the
note in his hands.  'Well, here I am....  I wonder where Akane is.'


    From inside, or outside? Might be better to say 'leaning against a 
wall inside the' or what have you.

Yup, will change.

    And, as always, my opinions are just that, barring corrections to 
them from outside forces. ;)

Don't worry.  All of them were useful ^_^

Looking around to see who else was here, he asked, "So all of you
got a notice from Akane?"  As they all nodded, he took note of the
others.  'Pops, Mr. Tendou, Ryouga... Kunou....  Hmm... Shinnosuke?'
Stunned by who the last person was, Ranma approached the broom-carrying
boy.  "Hey, Shinnosuke!  Wondering wat'cha doing here?"


    here -- there (This might be a difficult change to make; as they 
say, 'Ya can't get thea from hea!')

Heh

    Might want to say 'stunned by the presence of the last person' or 
the like? It's a tad stilted.

Yeah

The other boy stared back at Ranma, trying to recall who he was,
before shaking his head an replying, "Akane told me she had a very
important decision to make and needed me here."  A longing sigh escaped
his lips as he said, "Ah, Akane....  I'm so grateful that I can
remember who she was and arrive her on time.  By the way, where is
here?"


    an replying -- and replying

    arrive her -- arrive here

This is what happens when I write in the morning because I couldn't 
sleep ^_^;

    Shinnosuke: And who is 'her'?

    Ranma: Shiratori Azusa.

Hehehe

Ranma, though, was too stunned by what he had first heard to
answer back.  "Important... decision?" was all he was able to get out
before moving away from the other boy so as to get his thoughts
together.  'Akane didn't tell me anything about a decision.  Did
she....  _Could_ she have changed her mind about Shinnosuke after all
this time?'  Trying to regain some of his swagger, Ranma murmered,
"Feh, not like I actually care about that uncute...."  But he was
unable to finish, doubt and concern filling his thoughts.


    'swagger' is a word usually associated with walking, though some of 
the meanings also lend themselves towards 'boast'. Did you maybe mean 
'confidence'?

Yeah.  Though I think 'swagger' could be used in this situation.

In an attempt to alleviate some of his worry, he walked towards
where his father and Soun were conversing.  Hearing parts of what they
were saying, which included 'finally uniting the schools' and 'daughter
making the first move', caused the pigtailed boy to pause and rethink
his action, not knowing what exactly to do.


    I'd reccomend rewording that a bit -- Maybe: 'he walked towards his 
father and Soun, where they were conversing'? Not sure -- something 
about the way that it is sounds a little awkward. Maybe the way that 
it's stated as though the reader should know that they are conversing, 
which they wouldn't, yet. Or I could just be really dense. ;)

After looking over this, yeah it does sound a bit off.  Will change.

"So the foul sorcerer no doubt knows of the reason for this
special occasion -- to see the noble Tatewaki Kunou take part in his
greatest victory ever.  I had no idea thou is such a gracious loser,
Saotome."


    is -- art (I'd think.)

Have to be consistent with Kunou's speech here, so will change.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Ranma screamed back at the
Furinkan High kendo team captain, glad to have his mind occupied by
something else for the moment.  If there was one thing the martial
artist was sure about with concern to the current situation, it's that
Kunou was invited _not_ because he was Akane's choice.  'More than
likely so that he doesn't cause any problems later on.'


    it's that -- it was that

    _not_ because he was -- because he was _not_ (?)

Not so sure about this one.

Before anything else could be said to the kendoist, the door to
the dojo slid open as a figure stepped through, casting a shadow over
all of the occupants.  Sporting a short-cut black hair and wearing a
dress normal to girls going to Furinkan High, utmost attention was paid
upon the person.  There was, though, something different....


    a short-cut black hair -- You'd think there would be more than _a_ 
hair involved. ;)
    Might want to reword that a bit.

Will change to 'short black hair'.

Nodding his head solemnly, Soun replied, "You're right, Saotome."
Reaching what he deemed to be the correct reason for this, tears fell
>from his eyes as he said joyously, "Isn't it wonderful?  My daughter's
already pregnant with Ranma's first child!"  And with that, he pulled
out a pair of paper fans and started celebrating with his friend.


    this -- (might want to restate just what 'this' is, just in case).

Ok

While the others were in the middle of an uproar over what
happened, Shinnosuke looked carefully at the figure standing in the
front.  Certain of what he was seeing, he said, "That's not Akane.
It's a giant chicken!"


    'in the middle of' -- this scans a bit roughly.

Hmm... will see if I could change it to have it sound better.

    'in the front' -- of what?

Forgot to add 'the dojo'.

Everything became instantly quiet as everyone stopped what they
were doing to stare at the semi-amnesic boy.


    Shinnosuke: Did I say something?

Heh

Soun added harshly, "Boy, I can well assure you that I know the
difference between my own daughter and a chicken.  And that," he
pointed to Akane, who at that moment was pecking the wooden floor in
front of her, "is most certainly Akane!"

     Shinnosuke, though, was adamant with his view.  "But I tell you,
it's a giant chicken!  _A_ _giant_ _chicken_!"


    *snicker*

Would you believe a boy who tends to forget most of what he's seen? ^_^

"LIES!" Kunou screamed out in furor, thrusting his bokken forward
so that the tip was touching Shinnosuke's nose.  "If you know what's
good for you, thou shall not speak any more garbage about the pure
Akane Tendou with thy tongue."  Chuckling to himself, he added, "Next
thing I know, you shall try to convince me that Saotome and the
pigtailed girl are one and the same, or that my peers think that I'm a
delusional buffoon.  But the great Tatewaki Kunou can tell a lie from
the truth."


    'furor', I think, doesn't work as well as it could. You might want 
to consider another word for that.

'fury' was what I was going for.

    'garbage' -- I don't know why (I'm probably being nitpicky) but this 
strikes me as a rather rough word for Kuno to say.

It is.  Just wasn't able to think of anything else at that time ^_^;

    The latter parts of Kuno's speech, however, are hilarity incarnate. 
Very nice!

Thanks!  This was one of those scenes that was stuck in my head ever 
since I first had the idea.

While the others were trying their best not to say anything,
Ranma saw that his friend was in trouble and so grabbed Shinnosuke's
hand, pulling him outside.  "Maybe the dojo was too stuffy and your
memory got warped as a result.  Some time outside with fresh air should
help out."


    Does he consider Shinnosuke a friend?

Considering Shinnosuke doesn't seem to have any sort of vendetta 
against Ranma and he did save Akane before.

As everyone inched closer to her, Soun asked, "So, daughter,
you've made your choice on who to marry?  Who is it?"


    Genma: I understood her just fine -- she said she chooses Ranma!

Hehehehe

If Genma realized what it was, he would have said that just to have 
Ranma say his true feelings about Akane.

"You--" Genma started.

     "--chose--" Ryouga continued.

     "--Konatsu!" Ranma finished, not believing what he had heard.


    HAH!

Surprising that they can understand what he was saying ^_^

"Of course none of us knew!" Ranma shouted, his emotions
currently running wild.  "I mean, when did this happen?"


    I'd suggest dropping the 'currently' -- we know that from context.

Changed.

"In the back of an alley near Ucchan's during the middle of the
night?" Soun asked before breaking down in tears.


    Hehe!

It just gets worse for them....

Patting his friend's back in an attempt to console him, Genma
said, "There, there, Tendou.  Just remember, it could always be worse.
Why, imagine if you had No...."  Sudden realization came upon him as
his eyes grew wide.  "Uh-oh."


    Heh! Again, very nice.

Genma suddenly realizing he was going to have to explain all of this to 
his wife ^_^

"Mount Jusendo?" Ranma whispered.  "I... well, what I mean to say
is...."  The pigtailed boy silently cursed himself at his inability to
tell the truth even at this point.  Taking a deep breath, he blurted
out, "Yes!  I did say 'I love you!' on Mount Jusendo!"  Softly, he
added, "But I guess it's too late now."


    Suggest dropping the 'himself at'.

Does sound better without it.

Due to Soun's piercing wail, no one else heard what Ranma said.
Continuing his crying, he wondered aloud if his daughter had 'different
preferences' which could only be satisfied by cross-dressing male
kunoichis.


    Konatsu: She wouldn't be the first girl.

Konatsu the manly cross-dressing ninja?  Very different....

I think I'll allow Adrian Tymes to write that ^_^

"RANMA!  I...."  Sheepishly, the Lost Boy realized he couldn't
think of a good enough reason to tell him.


    Tell him what?

About why he was so worried about who Akane chose.

"T-tw-two Akanes?" Ryouga said, aghast at what he saw.


    I'd think most of the boys there would be delighted at the prospect 
of another Akane. ;)

Heh, true.

But after what they heard from one Akane, it would be a bit surprising.

"After some deep thinking, I realized what it was.  And so...."
Everyone closed in to hear what it was.  "I'm going to open my own
restaurant!"


    This logic is much like the Cthulu of Lovecraftian horror. If it 
makes sense, you're already mad.

Hehehehe

    And it makes sense to me, so it's too late. ;p

You're not the only one ^_^

"Nabiki said she was going to get someone here today that would
help out with the advertising.  I wonder where could he be."  Holding
that off as something to question her sister about later on, Akane
asked, "So what do you think of the idea?"


    later on -- on later (?)

I think the original was correct.

Everyone that was conscious and not in cursed form didn't know
what to say.  Soun kept on splashing himself, hoping that it would
miraculously transform him as it does his friend.


    Kept on splashing himself? When did he start?

'was continuously splashing himself with cold water' sounds better 
here.

"You know," the pigtailed boy said, "I think I felt a whole lot
better when it involved the other decision."


    If I were him, I would too.

Very true ^_^

Hearing the faint sound of steel being drawn, he gazed up to see
a feminine-looking ninja wearing a sinister smile that was very much
out of place with concern to his/her other features.


    his/her -- his (since you use the male pronoun elsewhere in this 
segment)

Ok

"Ba-kaw?" he asked, trembling in fear....


    Hah!

It was not a good day for Chicken Boo ^_^

So here I am with the _second_ Ranma/Chicken Boo xover ^_^;

Here's hoping it gave a few laughs.


    I liked it. It was much better than 'Cats'. I'm going to read it, 
again and again. (Place that quote, and win a cookie!)

Unfortunately, I have no idea ^_^;

    Keep up the good work, Gin. Very funny.

Glad you liked it!

Thanks a lot for the C&C!

Ginrai

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