Ginrai wrote:
*gasp* A Ginrai post? Might it be more of Crossing the Line? Finally?
An Important Decision
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic
by Ginrai
Ah, well. I'm sure it'll be just as good.
Leaning against a side of the Tendou Dojo, Ranma stared at the
note in his hands. 'Well, here I am.... I wonder where Akane is.'
From inside, or outside? Might be better to say 'leaning against a
wall inside the' or what have you.
And, as always, my opinions are just that, barring corrections to
them from outside forces. ;)
Looking around to see who else was here, he asked, "So all of you
got a notice from Akane?" As they all nodded, he took note of the
others. 'Pops, Mr. Tendou, Ryouga... Kunou.... Hmm... Shinnosuke?'
Stunned by who the last person was, Ranma approached the broom-carrying
boy. "Hey, Shinnosuke! Wondering wat'cha doing here?"
here -- there (This might be a difficult change to make; as they
say, 'Ya can't get thea from hea!')
Might want to say 'stunned by the presence of the last person' or
the like? It's a tad stilted.
The other boy stared back at Ranma, trying to recall who he was,
before shaking his head an replying, "Akane told me she had a very
important decision to make and needed me here." A longing sigh escaped
his lips as he said, "Ah, Akane.... I'm so grateful that I can
remember who she was and arrive her on time. By the way, where is
here?"
an replying -- and replying
arrive her -- arrive here
Shinnosuke: And who is 'her'?
Ranma: Shiratori Azusa.
Ranma, though, was too stunned by what he had first heard to
answer back. "Important... decision?" was all he was able to get out
before moving away from the other boy so as to get his thoughts
together. 'Akane didn't tell me anything about a decision. Did
she.... _Could_ she have changed her mind about Shinnosuke after all
this time?' Trying to regain some of his swagger, Ranma murmered,
"Feh, not like I actually care about that uncute...." But he was
unable to finish, doubt and concern filling his thoughts.
'swagger' is a word usually associated with walking, though some of
the meanings also lend themselves towards 'boast'. Did you maybe mean
'confidence'?
In an attempt to alleviate some of his worry, he walked towards
where his father and Soun were conversing. Hearing parts of what they
were saying, which included 'finally uniting the schools' and 'daughter
making the first move', caused the pigtailed boy to pause and rethink
his action, not knowing what exactly to do.
I'd reccomend rewording that a bit -- Maybe: 'he walked towards his
father and Soun, where they were conversing'? Not sure -- something
about the way that it is sounds a little awkward. Maybe the way that
it's stated as though the reader should know that they are conversing,
which they wouldn't, yet. Or I could just be really dense. ;)
"So the foul sorcerer no doubt knows of the reason for this
special occasion -- to see the noble Tatewaki Kunou take part in his
greatest victory ever. I had no idea thou is such a gracious loser,
Saotome."
is -- art (I'd think.)
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Ranma screamed back at the
Furinkan High kendo team captain, glad to have his mind occupied by
something else for the moment. If there was one thing the martial
artist was sure about with concern to the current situation, it's that
Kunou was invited _not_ because he was Akane's choice. 'More than
likely so that he doesn't cause any problems later on.'
it's that -- it was that
_not_ because he was -- because he was _not_ (?)
Before anything else could be said to the kendoist, the door to
the dojo slid open as a figure stepped through, casting a shadow over
all of the occupants. Sporting a short-cut black hair and wearing a
dress normal to girls going to Furinkan High, utmost attention was paid
upon the person. There was, though, something different....
a short-cut black hair -- You'd think there would be more than _a_
hair involved. ;)
Might want to reword that a bit.
"Say, Tendou," Genma said, "is it me or does your daughter seem
to be bigger than the last time we saw her?"
said -- asked (?)
Nodding his head solemnly, Soun replied, "You're right, Saotome."
Reaching what he deemed to be the correct reason for this, tears fell
>from his eyes as he said joyously, "Isn't it wonderful? My daughter's
already pregnant with Ranma's first child!" And with that, he pulled
out a pair of paper fans and started celebrating with his friend.
this -- (might want to restate just what 'this' is, just in case).
While the others were in the middle of an uproar over what
happened, Shinnosuke looked carefully at the figure standing in the
front. Certain of what he was seeing, he said, "That's not Akane.
It's a giant chicken!"
'in the middle of' -- this scans a bit roughly.
'in the front' -- of what?
Everything became instantly quiet as everyone stopped what they
were doing to stare at the semi-amnesic boy.
Shinnosuke: Did I say something?
Soun added harshly, "Boy, I can well assure you that I know the
difference between my own daughter and a chicken. And that," he
pointed to Akane, who at that moment was pecking the wooden floor in
front of her, "is most certainly Akane!"
Shinnosuke, though, was adamant with his view. "But I tell you,
it's a giant chicken! _A_ _giant_ _chicken_!"
*snicker*
"LIES!" Kunou screamed out in furor, thrusting his bokken forward
so that the tip was touching Shinnosuke's nose. "If you know what's
good for you, thou shall not speak any more garbage about the pure
Akane Tendou with thy tongue." Chuckling to himself, he added, "Next
thing I know, you shall try to convince me that Saotome and the
pigtailed girl are one and the same, or that my peers think that I'm a
delusional buffoon. But the great Tatewaki Kunou can tell a lie from
the truth."
'furor', I think, doesn't work as well as it could. You might want
to consider another word for that.
'garbage' -- I don't know why (I'm probably being nitpicky) but this
strikes me as a rather rough word for Kuno to say.
The latter parts of Kuno's speech, however, are hilarity incarnate.
Very nice!
While the others were trying their best not to say anything,
Ranma saw that his friend was in trouble and so grabbed Shinnosuke's
hand, pulling him outside. "Maybe the dojo was too stuffy and your
memory got warped as a result. Some time outside with fresh air should
help out."
Does he consider Shinnosuke a friend?
As everyone inched closer to her, Soun asked, "So, daughter,
you've made your choice on who to marry? Who is it?"
Genma: I understood her just fine -- she said she chooses Ranma!
"You--" Genma started.
"--chose--" Ryouga continued.
"--Konatsu!" Ranma finished, not believing what he had heard.
HAH!
"Of course none of us knew!" Ranma shouted, his emotions
currently running wild. "I mean, when did this happen?"
I'd suggest dropping the 'currently' -- we know that from context.
"In the back of an alley near Ucchan's during the middle of the
night?" Soun asked before breaking down in tears.
Hehe!
Patting his friend's back in an attempt to console him, Genma
said, "There, there, Tendou. Just remember, it could always be worse.
Why, imagine if you had No...." Sudden realization came upon him as
his eyes grew wide. "Uh-oh."
Heh! Again, very nice.
"Mount Jusendo?" Ranma whispered. "I... well, what I mean to say
is...." The pigtailed boy silently cursed himself at his inability to
tell the truth even at this point. Taking a deep breath, he blurted
out, "Yes! I did say 'I love you!' on Mount Jusendo!" Softly, he
added, "But I guess it's too late now."
Suggest dropping the 'himself at'.
this point -- that point
Due to Soun's piercing wail, no one else heard what Ranma said.
Continuing his crying, he wondered aloud if his daughter had 'different
preferences' which could only be satisfied by cross-dressing male
kunoichis.
Konatsu: She wouldn't be the first girl.
Sitting next to his best friend, Genma went over all possible
excuses he could tell his wife as to why their manly son ends up losing
his fiancee to a cross-dressing, girlish ninja.
ends -- ended
"RANMA! I...." Sheepishly, the Lost Boy realized he couldn't
think of a good enough reason to tell him.
Tell him what?
"Let me guess," Ranma said bluntly, "You couldn't decide between
Akane or Akari and so wanted to find a way to have both."
bluntly, "You -- bluntly. "You -OR- bluntly, "you
"T-tw-two Akanes?" Ryouga said, aghast at what he saw.
I'd think most of the boys there would be delighted at the prospect
of another Akane. ;)
"Now there are two Akane's!"
Akane's -- Akanes
"Two Akane's!"
Akane's -- Akanes
"Okay.... Now tell us, _what_ was all that for?" the annoyed
pigtailed boy asked. To his left was Ryouga, equally annoyed and
gripping his umbrella tightly. On his right was Soun, ready to do one
of his greatest demon-head's ever.
demon-head's -- demon-heads
"After some deep thinking, I realized what it was. And so...."
Everyone closed in to hear what it was. "I'm going to open my own
restaurant!"
This logic is much like the Cthulu of Lovecraftian horror. If it
makes sense, you're already mad.
And it makes sense to me, so it's too late. ;p
"Nabiki said she was going to get someone here today that would
help out with the advertising. I wonder where could he be." Holding
that off as something to question her sister about later on, Akane
asked, "So what do you think of the idea?"
later on -- on later (?)
Everyone that was conscious and not in cursed form didn't know
what to say. Soun kept on splashing himself, hoping that it would
miraculously transform him as it does his friend.
Kept on splashing himself? When did he start?
"You know," the pigtailed boy said, "I think I felt a whole lot
better when it involved the other decision."
If I were him, I would too.
Hearing the faint sound of steel being drawn, he gazed up to see
a feminine-looking ninja wearing a sinister smile that was very much
out of place with concern to his/her other features.
his/her -- his (since you use the male pronoun elsewhere in this
segment)
"Ba-kaw?" he asked, trembling in fear....
Hah!
So here I am with the _second_ Ranma/Chicken Boo xover ^_^;
Here's hoping it gave a few laughs.
I liked it. It was much better than 'Cats'. I'm going to read it,
again and again. (Place that quote, and win a cookie!)
Keep up the good work, Gin. Very funny.