behind. Akane couldn't help but notice the sense of peace that emanated >from
the building, a sort of magic.

    "It is the kind of place I would have thought Gosunkugi would be
staying at." Akane breathed as they stepped onto the front porch. "But >it's
the middle of the day. Do you think he's here?"

Why would Akane expect that Gosunkugi would be staying at such a nice place?

    "May I help you" she slurred, her voice thick with sleep.

you,

consolation match. But that's that boy for you." The girl sat down and swept
some trash to the side so she could set the glass she was carrying down on.

On what?

    "I'm Nabiki Tendo, and this is my sister Akane," Nabiki said warmly,
her voice catching a unique quality rarely heard by anyone. Asana nodded and

Voices don't catch qualities.  They take them.

was all he could do to not look at her without wanting to comfort her but
Hikaru kept his mask of emotions up as best he could.

He does not have a mask of emotions.  He masks his emotions.

    "The name's Nabiki," Nabiki airily replied, "And we're looking for
somewhere were we'll not have to live with any bugs, rats, or nasty

delete "were"

that Hikaru was using a cup she was not used to seeing on a table. "Hikaru,
what kind of cups are these? They look so different."

    "These are not the tea cups you're used to. They're western coffee mugs
I had imported from America. I wanted to drink something a little different

You don't seriously imagine that coffee mugs are some kind of exotic, unknown
drinking utensil in Japan do you?  Nabiki was drinking from one in an early 
anime episode, as a matter of fact.  

    "Why did you leave Tokyo?" The question slipped out of Akane's mouth
before she even realized it and her hand flew to her mouth in shock. Her

I'm puzzled as to why Akane would care or having asked be embarassed by
having done so.  What's on her mind?  A clearer question would be better, I
think.

    "And I need to know why I was cursed to be on this earth. But only one
of us will get what they need today." Hikaru came back to the table and sat

I need to know why such a whiney punk is supposedly so impressive and filled
with inner power.  Self-pity or charisma, you can't have both.  

my obsessing over someone who'd never talk to me. So I lied about you not
being a part of me coming to Kashima." He shrugged slightly as his voice

The flow of this paragraph isn't quite right.  I'd suggest replacing that line
with something like "I guess I lied..."

said softly as she looked hard at Hikaru. "Something else has changed you.

Looked "intently" not "hard", unless she is actually attacking him.  

You have these girls you live with. You seem like you're better off now then
before."

than before.

    "And what makes you my goddamn caretaker, Akane Tendo?" At that her
head snapped off angrily but came back a moment later, full of the fury that

Her head snapped off?  AAAAAH!

she was known for. "We could say the exact same thing about you, Akane.
Especially considering Ranma's not with you. At least you had someone there

That is just totally not making any sense.  Why would he say that she's
better off now?  Does he mean that she's better off without Ranma and a
home?   

for you to protect and love you. I had shit." At that Hikaru got up and
walked over to the window, his face turning a strange shade of red. "You
didn't even visit me in the hospital..."

Frankly, I find that a bit implausible.  If Akane didn't visit him in
the hospital, why does she care now why he left Tokyo?  

card with no name but meaningful words. "I went so deep into debt buying you
those flowers that it made me have to be Nabiki's little slave for so long.

Nabiki?  I don't recall Gosunkugi and Nabiki having any dealings.  

over with. But I didn't die. All I did was lay there and make peace with it
all. You, the fight, my family, everything. When I went to school the next

So...why are you still such a whiner?



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