Richard E wrote:
Hello again,
Well, here's the first draft of "Ten" chapter 2. It's a bit rough around
the edges, but overall I'm pretty pleased with it.
As I mentioned earlier, this and the previous chapter, along with a
selection of related artwork are archived at the story's web site, which is
located at http://ten.waxwolf.com .
As always, C&C is greatly appreciated; but whether you comment or not, I
hope you enjoy the chapter.
Sorry about taking so long to get to this one.
Akane trailed several paces behind Ranma as they made their way down the
street away from her home -- the only home she could remember. The
weight of the backpack slung over her shoulder only made it harder to push
onwards.
Something about that first sentence scans awkwardly.
She looked ahead again at her companion, a swath of red hair the only part
that stood out from a sea of black fabric that blended perfectly into the
night. Why was she following this stranger into the darkness? Why was
she leaving the only life she had ever known with a person she had met only
the day before?
a sea -- the sea (?) Stylistic. Feel free to ignore.
And feel free to ignore anything else I say, too.
Sighing, Akane tried to ignore the roots of doubt and uncertainty that were
taking ahold of a mind that was only an hour earlier firmly awash with the
fertile seeds of revenge, justice and glory.
ahold -- hold (I think)
How does revenge fit in here? For her mother?
"Yes," Ranma nodded matter-of-factly. Her tone was even, her face stony.
"Yes," Ranma nodded -- "Yes." Ranma nodded (since nodding doesn't
directly indicate speech)
"I can see ... myself ...." she said, examining her own face. Pale orange
light flickered across her visage, surrounding it from all sides. She was
unsure if the light was from the camp fire or from somewhere else.
myself ...." she -- myself ..." she (I think. You only need a period
trailing an ellipse if that terminates the sentence, which doesn't
happen since it's leading into a speech indicator.)
"I didn't ..."
didn't ..." -- didn't ...." (Other way, here, since the sentence IS
terminated with the ellipse.)
"It is ...?" Akane asked, suddenly puzzled. She leaned back a little and
placed her hand over her mouth, wondering where the flash of anger had
come from.
Using an ellipse and a question mark together looks a little odd.
You might be better served by placing the ellipse between the 'it' and
'is', since nothing is really being ommitted from the statement.
A low howling sound echoed through the valley of Jusenkyo as strong air
currents blustered through the mountain passes. The thin grassblades
that dared to grow on the elevated outcroppings swayed back and forth
violently with the force of the chill wind, which then proceeded down
into the valley below.
'Swayed' is a somewhat weak descriptor for fierce winds. Perhaps
'whipped'?
"Quiet, boy," Genma whispered. "If we play smart, we'll be fine."
I might have missed this earlier -- if 'boy' is being used in lieu
of a proper name, should it be capitalized?
"They will not be easy prey," Cologne cautioned. "The old man might be
injured but that means nothing."
I'd think an arrow through the heart qualifies for more than a
'might be injured'.
"So beautiful ...." she murmured in Japanese, watching the sword closely.
Before she knew it, she was rushing forward to attack its wielder.
...." -- ..." (since the sentence doesn't terminate there)
Frozen, silent bliss enveloped her consciousness - silent but for a soft
awareness that echoed in her mind.
"Welcome, my friend. I'm so pleased to see you again ...."
Interesting.
I wish I had more to comment, but there's not much to point out that
you don't already seem to have a good grasp of! Good work. I'd like to
see more of this.
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T E N
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