--- "Chibi Evil" <chibi_evil@dragonslave.com> wrote:

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Scars of the Nekoken: The Sickness            written by: chibi evil

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chibi_evil@dragonslave.com                           chibievil.cjb.net
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Hadn't seen any actual C&C to this, so I thought I'd try to provide some.

Standard rules apply: This is simply the opinion of a single person.  Take what you find useful; discard the rest.

Notes:

This fic was inspired by a drawing I did, which is available at my
site. Basically, I was doodling Ranma, when I happened to make a small
mistake when inking the face outline. From there, it grew into a scar,
and many elements were changed to reflect the 'new' Ranma in the pic,
complete with a small change to his shirt and hairstyle.

>From that new drawing, the story began to turn in my mind, growing

into the text that lies below.

This, I think, would be better moved to the end.  Let your story speak for itself.  Then, if you wish to do so, you may tell of the inspiration that led to it.

Anyways, on to the disclaimers. Ranma Nibunnoichi and it's characters 
and everything associated with it belong to Takahashi Rumiko and her 
associates.

About the writing style. I've changed the format a bit. At the 
beginning of each scene, there will be a pair of []'s which detail the 
time. If there's nothing, then the scene takes place in the same time 
frame as the previous one. Something now seperates scenes, instead of 
just three lines. Any opinions on the new layout? I'm currently in the 
process of redoing ALL of my fics in the same layout.

Definitely get rid of this.  It's not necessary; we can tell what the brackets are for when we first encounter them.  If you wish to ask for opinions on layout, it would be better to do so at the end.

With that said, here are my thoughts:  It would be better to leave out the brackets, and incorporate time cues into the text of the story.  A scene separator is a good idea.

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WARNING! The following fic is *REALLY* DARK! Read at your own risk!!
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No worse than others, from what we've seen so far.

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The Sickness                                                  Prologue
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                                ~<>~

	Pain.

	Pain and fear. Both feelings are an all-consuming wall around
me. They consume my entire life. They are the reason for my entire
existence. They are the reason I am the pathetic shell of a man I am 
today.

	I'm little more than a marionette, used when I'm needed and 
discarded when I'm no more use, at least at that moment. Another use
is always found for me.

	Always. It's almost enough to make me wish I wasn't so useful.

This is a very intriguing beginning.  Good work.

	"Ranma?"

	I snap my head up, the fear consuming me. The speaker was the 
reason I am such a shell. I want to break free and be my own... but 
fear of him controlled me. Fear of the pain he could cause. That he 
DID cause.

	Even the greatest fighters (which he said I numbered among...)
have a fear. He is mine. Nothing else can make me tremble, but the
slightest hint of displeasure from him can send me to the height of
terror, and indeed, even beyond.

*Winces.*  Poor Ranma.

	"Boy, get to your feet. We have to go pay a visit to my old 
friend." The cruel thing got to his feet, waiting for no more from me. 
Not that he'd care if I said anything.

Thus the lead-in to the engagement...which this Ranma would not protest, when Genma demands he marry.  Lots of room for misunderstandings and messiness here.

	I silently get up, packing my things quickly. I fear what he will
do to me if I am ever slower. Which is why I, when I was little more 
than a child, made a point of never crossing him.

	Crossing him meant angering him. Angering him could lead to
things worse than the rending claws and biting teeth he had put me
through last time.

Is this what your Ranma truly believes?  Genma's an idiot, certainly, but I can't see him as a sadist.

	I was already waiting when he was finished packing. I'd also put 
out the fire from our camp and covered our tracks. If he ever thought
I was less than totally useful...

I like the way you trail off there, without explicitly stating the potential consequences.

Minor grammar nitpick: when an ellipsis comes at the end of a sentance, a period is still needed.  Thus, you should use four dots there.

	"Come on, boy! Smile!" He was cheerful, at least for the moment.
That could change at any time, as I knew well.

	I obeyed the command, a smile coming to my face, conjured by my
fear of what would happen if he was displeased. He couldn't tell I was
faking it.

	He never could. I don't want to know what will happen if he ever
finds out I'm faking it. The very thought nearly sends me collapsing
into a quivering ball.

	I resist the temptation to let my deception end, fearing the 
pain that would result.

	I follow him as we head down into the city, our destination at
the moment unknown to me. As was the norm, I didn't care.

	He hadn't told me to.

And the ending is just as powerful as the beginning.

I like--no, let me rephrase that.  I _don't_ like what you have done to Ranma.  But I want to see more of it, to learn what happens next.  Nice job!

                                ~<>~


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The Sickness                                              Prologue end
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Notes:

For those of you who are the slightest bit confused, the Cruel Thing
is Genma and the scene is being told from the perspective of Ranma. I
realise I am a REALLY sick puppy, but I figure that some timestream
split off of the Nekoken incident had Ranma coming out more scared of
his father than of the cats.

This is just me telling that story. I need C+C, the painfully honest
type. This is only the prologue, and I've been writing more, but I
just wanted to get an idea of what everybody thinks.

Admittedly, this is much shorter than I normally write, but ah well.

Defender of the Light
Elite Mage
junior member of the Inner Circle of the Mages Council

Contrary to popular opinion, magic and science do mix.

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