We like attachments. Attachments are our friends. (twitch-twitch!!!) @_^


-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: 17.txt

This is a different sort of chapter and will appear different in
the the final version, spread throughout the story...

You see, it was brought to my attention that Tuxedo Mask took a
really stiff sort of hit in his battle with Kakkorotto in chapter
10 part one.

We couldn't just let that one go by, could we?

Besides, we had a few too many requests for more ArbyFish to
ignore. So, we had to blow most of this season's budget hiring him
back for this section. I certainly hope you're all happy. ^_^

Tentatively continued from Part 1 (4.4), Part 2 (2/??) and (16/??)

...

And episode four of Dukes of Hazzard. I think..............

-----------------------------------------------------------------

	Serena actually looked half-worried. "Have you seen Darien?"

	Raye shook her head. "No. Not since he got hit by that guy
last night."

	"That's funny, I thought I saw him after the fight, in the
hospital. You were there. You saw him, didn't you?"

	Raye didn't respond.

	"Didn't you?!"

...

	Darien Shields stumbled along the corridors of the hospital,
scanning the doors for the room number he was going to visit. Last
night, one of the Scouts, Sailor Mercury, had gotten injured. After
returning home and getting some rest, he thought it might be a nice
idea to drop by and talk to the girl; let her know he really did
care about her and the others.

	He didn't have time to pick up a 'Get Well' card because he
would have to be getting to Professor Kuno's poetry class pretty
soon, but he hoped a visit would be enough. The sign out front said
that visitors' hours were not until the afternoon, but the
receptionist didn't say anything when he asked to go in, so it most
likely would not be a problem.

	"Sixty four, sixty six, sixty eight," Darien counted aloud, and
breathed a relieved sigh when he found the right room, "seventy."

	The door was open, so he walked right in.

	Inside, Amy, the blue-haired girl, was a mess. She was hooked
up to an IV dispenser, had a cast over much of her body, and gazed
off emptily at a bare wall. She showed no sign of recognition as the
man entered.

	Darien gave a lopsided smile, waved, and said, "Hello."

	Amy turned her head to look out the window.

	The college student walked over to stand beside her. "How
are you doing?" he asked while thinking, "Man, she doesn't look so
good."

	Amy didn't respond.

	"Can't you hear me?" Darien pressed, putting out a hand to
lightly touch her arm.

	*Whoosh* Darien's hand passed right through Amy's arm. He
drew back and gasped in shock. "What--?!"

	*Whoosh* He repeated the experiment, getting the same results.
"What's going on?" Darien couldn't feel his heart beat faster as
he walked to the door in a shocked daze.

	*Wha-wharsh* A pair of doctors walked straight through him on
their way to attend to Amy. He turned around and watched them.

	CHIBA MAMORU?

	Darien blinked hard when he heard the voice, then spun around
to see an eight-foot tall skeleton in a hooded black robe stride
toward him, brandishing a very long-handled scythe with a gleaming
silver blade. Despite all the fluorescent track-lighting, darkness
seemed to permeate the area around him.

	SORRY I'M LATE.

	Darien let out a girly whimper and passed out.

...

	"Don't worry, I'm sure Darien's fine. He can take care of
himself," Raye replied aloud, and said inwardly, "Besides, he's too
handsome to die! He _has_ to be okay."

	Serena nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

---

	In the past, when Darien considered that someday he'd have to
come face-to-face with Death, he didn't think it would be quite this
literal.

	"What do you mean, 'I'm dead?!'"

	I AM HERE TO COLLECT YOUR SOUL. KNOWING THAT, THE REST SHOULD
BE OBVIOUS.

	"But, but--! I can't be dead! I-I've had dreams! I'm supposed
to be alive in the future!"

	REVISION.

	"What?!"

	NOTHING IS CERTAIN, EXCEPT FOR ME. AND YOU HAVE BEEN WRITTEN
OUT OF THE GREAT BOOK.

	Darien blinked. "What book? Are you saying I'm a character in
a book?

	Death sighed. The movement of his hood indicated that he was
shaking his skull.

	IT WAS MERELY A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

	"Oh."

	ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

	Death's voice was indescribably penetrating. As he spoke, he
drummed his bony fingers on the handle of his scythe. He flicked at
a drained hourglass hanging from his belt.

	YOUR TIME IS UP.

	The recently deceased man needed a few moments to get back up
and collect his thoughts. He looked down and ran his spiritual
fingers through his ghostly hair.

	He was dead.

	He was DEAD.

	He was DEADER than dead.

	"I missed the meeting! My study group's gonna kill me!"

	TOO LATE.

	Darien looked back up to the robed figure. He suddenly
remembered an old adage: how we face Death is just as important as
how we face Life. --Kobayashi Maru Scenario. "Uhhhhhh!"

	Death looked down at him, and let out a peel of cold, stiff
artificial laughter.

	HA. HA. HA. HA. HAAAA.

	The dead man recoiled in fear.

	HA. HAAA. HAAAAAA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

	Something occurred to Darien: he really didn't want to die. He
had too many things to live for. He couldn't think of anything at the
moment, but he was sure that there had to be _something_. Another
thing was bothering him. "Hey, why are you laughing at me?"

	Death discontinued his laugh.

	DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU FEEL MORE RELAXED?

	"No!" Darien shouted back. "It was horrible, creepy, and I
don't like how I died!"

	Death paused in consideration of the man's statement.

	WHAT KIND OF DEATH WOULD YOU LIKE?

	"I don't know! I'm frustrated! I've never been dead before!"

	WOULD YOU PREFER IT IF YOU WERE TAKEN UP INTO VALHALLA BY A
FLIGHT OF VALKYRIES INSTEAD?

	Darien nodded and shouted, "Yes! I just might!" He paused,
realizing what he just said. "No, wait! I mean--"

	THAT CAN BE ARRANGED.

	*Dahn-dahn-dah-dah-daaah-daah!*Dahn-da-da-duln-duhn!*

	The roar of several sets of rockets and the whinnies of a 
dozen great stallions split the air.

	Darien turned to see an amazing sight galloping down the
hospital hallway: there was a large group of horses, mounted by an
equal number of really muscular women with long, blonde hair and
exceptionally large, figure-hugging metal breastplates.

	Behind the women, a pair of huge, ghostly, half-plane half-
robots cruised down the large hallway.

	The women started singing in a very high pitch and the robots
fired up their engines.

	Both groups of Valkyries roared toward the dead man.

	"Yipe!" Darien cried, and started to run in the opposite
direction, but it was of no avail. The lead Valkyrie scooped him up
in one arm and placed him on her horse. "AAAAAAAAH!" he screamed,
but his protests were quickly swallowed up in the woman's one-hundred-
twenty decibel opera voice.

	The entire group passed through the hospital roof and galloped
into the sky on a wave of flame.

	Watching from the roof, Death folded his arms in satisfaction.

	I AIM TO PLEASE.

---

	The Norse Valkyries were bad enough, but the _Chinese_
Valkyries were just plain out of the question.

	*Ring-ring* "Endy-chan!" *GLOMP* "You come back to stay maybe?
Marry Xian Pu now, yes?"

	It had been a very long afterlife for Darien so far. Just as
he'd gotten off the unwanted ride up to what he assumed to be the
pearly gates of heaven, he had received a great, big, hearty welcome
by a crowd of people whom he didn't know, but seemed to know him
quite well. They said that they were his dead relatives and that they
were SOOOOOO proud of him and everything like that.

	Then they went away and the girls came. A lot claimed to be his
old girlfriends in a past life, but he knew better than that. He
didn't have a past life, did he? Of course, it would explain a whole
lot, but Occam's Razor demands that--

	"Aiyah!" Xian Pu gasped. "No, Endy-sama! Thinking bad for
soul!"

	Darien paused. Under other circumstances, he might have been
flattered or even enjoying himself, but to be proclaimed dead, be
swept-up on chariots of fire and taken to Valhalla was quite
sufficient without being ethereally groped by some weird girl.
Therefore, it should come as only slight surprise when he asked,
"Would you mind getting off of me, please?"

	The voluptuous, scantily-armored, purple-haired Chinese
Valkyrie looked into his eyes and batted her eyelashes at him. "Why
Xian Pu want do that?" She snuggled in closer. "Xian Pu want be
together with Prince-husband forever!"

	"Prince-husband?" Darien echoed in disbelief. "I'm not a--"

	A hearty, long, nearby bellowing laugh interrupted Darien's
train of thought. He turned to see a tall, beardless man with his
arms folded and a huge axe strapped to his back. He had a definite
straight-standing, confident, kingly bearing about him. "Forgotten
the whole thing, eh, boy?" the large man asked. "Dying the first
time was rough, wasn't it? The second time has to be _killer_."

	The axe-carrier laughed at his own pun.

	Xian Pu giggled at the joke and removed herself from the man
to whom she had attached herself. She went back to put her arms
around the other man. She kissed him on the cheek and looked back
toward Darien.

	Darien's shoulder's slumped. "Okay, what's going on?"

	The tall man shook his head and let out an agonized sigh.
"What's the matter? Too high and mighty to give Mom and Dad a hug?"

	The ex-college student's jaw dropped a little. "Mom and Dad?!
They were killed in a car crash!"

	"They were not!" Xian Pu shot back, the ditziness completely
gone from her voice. "That's just the cover story for what really
happened." She placed a fist on her curvy hip. "Besides, we're not
_them_. We're your _other_ Mother and Father."

	"From where? How? Who?" Darien was too puzzled to make any
sense of the situation.

	"A past life, where you were the Prince of Earth."

	"Prince of...?!"

	"Still don't remember, huh?" the man who claimed to be Darien's
father asked. He looked a little disappointed. "It'll come back to
you when you want to hear it."

	"I think what he needs is to see a familiar face," Xian Pu
whispered to her husband.

	The bearded man nodded. "That's right."

	"We're just confusing him."

	"Too true. My boy never was a fast one, was he?"

	"Sadly, no."

	The pair waved goodbye. "Farewell, Son. We will see you again
when you're ready."

	With that, they and everyone else present vanished. The gates
and the clouds flickered away to darkness.

	A moment later, a sunrise peaked over distant mountains.
Darien could see that he was now in an open, seemingly endless
grassland.

	Looking around, Darien could see a long wooden fence enclosing
a large portion of the grassland. A whitewashed building, with a
nearby barn and silo, was visible in the distance.

	Suddenly, there was the sharp noise of an impact. A round metal
pail flew out of the depths of the tall grass. The pail spun around
midair for a time, then as if attracted by a magnet, it was flung
toward Darien, and twanged into his forehead.

	The man fell flat on his back. He realized that it should have
hurt, but it didn't. He supposed that was one of the advantages of
being dead.

	Near his face, Darien caught sight of a small, well-tended
flowerbed, but he found that he wasn't alone.

	A small, seal-like creature with a black, white and green
pattern on its back and a gold halo over its head hopped around
amidst the flowers. It went up close and carefully examined each
plant one by one. Upon discovering something amiss, it stood up tall,
balancing on its tail, and proceeded to straighten up the flower.

	Finishing one, the seal nodded with satisfaction. "There'ya
'go!"

	"ArbyFish," Darien mouthed. There were some things that
simply could not be forgotten, no matter how much effort one puts
into it.

	Arby turned to see him. He sat up and saluted. "Oh, 'ello,
guv!" he greeted informally. "Ow is yew?"

	"Dead," Darien replied.

	The Green ArbyFish smiled pleasantfuliferously. "Great, innit?
Where the fungus grows n' the worm doyeth not."

	"Uh, yyyyyyyyyyeah. How are you?"

	"Oye'z _congealed_!" Arby said with great satisfaction. "Oye
bought th' farm, Oye did! Went ta the big mushroom patch in the
skoy; kicked the bucket n' Oye've been pushin' up daisies eva'
since!" He pointed at the flowers he'd been adjusting.

	"That's," Darien searched for an appropriate way to convey his
feelings, "great, Arby. Now that we're both here, we can figure a way
out of this."

	"Oh, we CAN, eh?"

	"I don't want to be dead. I have too much to live for!"

	"'Ave we, now?"

	"We need to find a way to be revived!"

	"Yeeech! Who'd wanna do _that_?"

	"I would!"

	"Eeew," Arby looked repulsed. "Well, alroight. Oye s'pose we
could go 'ave a word wit th' almoight'y n' see if 'E'll letcha do
sumin' loike that. Oye mean, yew 'az gone back once before."

	"I have? Err, I mean, we can do that?"

	"Well, a'course! Oye'z gots privileges, Oye does!"

---

	"The Almighty will see you now," the bored, white-robed
female receptionist informed the only other sentient beings present
in the Greek-style waiting room. She put her legs back up on the desk
and went back to doing her nails.

	"Oh, goodie!" the Green ArbyFish exclaimed in delight.

	As he stood, Darien's breathing grew shallow, which was quite
a feat for a dead man. "The Almighty... I've never met a god before."

	"'Course yew 'az!" Arby corrected him. "Yew just don't
rememba'."

	The twin stone doors slid open, revealing a blinding white
light. Angelic singing suddenly burst forth, singing praises and
whatnot.

	Nervous as Hell, Darien edged forward, Arby dragging him
along by the hand, fluttering ahead into the light.

	*BOOM!* Suddenly, the doors slammed closed, the light shut
off and the singing ended.

	A glowing green hue lit the cavern. Jagged, moss-covered
rocks jutted from solidified igneous outcroppings and a great
central circular pit dipped downward into the darkness.

	*ROAAAAAAAAAR!!!*

	Darien struggled to maintain his footing while gale-force
winds rushed out at him. A gigantic, moss-covered THING with
scales and great nasal cavities emerged from the black pit.

	*SNORT!* The huge beast drew in a deep breath and trumpeted
its own coming. It placed its head on the rock, just in front of
where the human and the ArbyFish stood. "GREAAAAAAAWWWWHHHHH!!!"

	Arby smiled. "Oh, 'ello sez Oye ta yew ta me; ta me ta yew
ta Oye."

	"Grew-oh-OUGH-OUGH-OUGH!"

	"Well, grew ow-ough n' sum fungus ta yew, too!"

	The beast looked puzzled. "GRAwreeeh?!"

	Arby nodded. "Grew. Fungus, y'knoh."

	Darien froze, paralyzed with shock. "THIS is the
Almighty?!" If so, he was REALLY going to have to rethink his
position on religion.

	"Shh!" Arby put a flipper to his mouth and turned back
to the green monster. "Artuwah-dowgma. Teetah, mouscha n'
jigglypuffs fer brekfist?"

	"AWAH-TOH!"

	"What's it saying?" Darien whispered to his companion.

	Arby ignored him and accepted a pair of long sticks from
the creature. He proceeded to use them as stilts and walked
around in a circle. "Mushy-mushy n' 'ave a pycie a' poie!"

	"WATASHISMHAWLTALAUGHERWAUGHER!!!"

	An hourglass appeared midair, grains of barley tickling
down from above.

	Arby stood tall. "Pinkie-winkie-wizzlebumz."

	"YASOYAMUSHALMICKALEKAHAIMECHACHEINIOBA!!!"

	"'N 'Abbajug salutes ya majah two!"

	"Aren't we here to find out how to get back to Earth,
alive?!" Darien cried.

	The moss-covered incarnation of strangeness drew back
and called through its nose: "RETATALTAMUNAMULAMULAKANEWAHDESU
KAKEMAARAMARAFUJUWUUJUEZEEWEEZIEBORABORABUDHIBUSHIMITSUBISHI
HONDABARBKUESPRITSLAMAUNBGHER!"

	Arby glared at Darien for a moment, then looked back
at the big THING and said, "Borah borah n' potahbellows fer
a foivah?"

	"MOROBISHII!"

	"'Ey! 'E iz not!"

	"PYAHNOKOKKORINDODOMORETINSHUPREASJKEAMENHHEN."

	"Pure no kokkorin?"

	"KOKKIRINSHEAEM!"

	"Oh, well, then. 'Tis furrinshikim, eh?"

	"BORAHBORAH!"

	"Nukienukke?"

	"BONCHOKKAHN!"

	"N' Boomchackalakalakaboom ta yours n' moine."

	Arby turned around and started to leave, but Darien grabbed
him by the tail, saying, "Wait! We still need to find out--" He
broke off when Arby bit him. "Ow!" As Arby fluttered upward, the
man examined his hand. There was no bite mark.

	*Hish-hish-hish!* The ArbyFish chuckled like a snake and
turned back to the big beast. "Rotten' 'am n' beans n' such?"

	The beast nodded. "GRAWLHHH!"

	*Blink!* The giant thing vanished.

	Darien blinked, frowning at the whole setup.

	*ROAAAAAAR!!!* Three minutes later, the titanic green
creature reappeared, the oddly-scented wind from his return
knocking Darien flat on his back. "GUSHALAMBAH FREINLAYVINHSKI
TSURANIMANIFAUNNILAUNDYAHJK!"

	Arby blinked a few times. "Whaussenmeeistreo bistros!?"

	"BISTROWAFFLIN--KAPUTSKIIEN!"

	"Oh, thank you, Sir," Arby said, saluting, then grabbed
Darien by the wrist and led him out again. The doors opened to
let them leave, and closed behind them when they did.

	"Well, that wuz pret'y quick," the ghost ArbyFish commented as
he and his human companion exited the cavernous meeting office.

	Darien seemed to be caught up in deep meditation. As he walked,
he examined the floor intensely while keeping his lips pursed.

	"'E'z kept 'iz moss noice n' trimmed 'ere n' there, 'E 'as,"
Arby continued.

	"WHAT was that?" Darien breathed.

	"'E wuz th' Almoighty, 'E wuz!"

	"He... looked different than I imagined."

	"Ta YEW 'E would," Arby replied, crossing his front flippers
while he fluttered over to perch on top of the man's head. "Th'
Almoigh'y Great Green Arkleseizure's presence iz not ta be unda'esta'
ma'ed."

	"Almighty... Great... Green... ARKLESEIZURE?!"

	"A'course! Gotta 'ave the Arklesiezure's blessin' whoile
troyin' sum'in as kookey az wot yew wontz ta do. 'Simply wouldn't
be propa' otha'woize."

	"Couldn't we speak to some _other_ 'almighty' being here?"

	"Nope. That'd cost extra. N' YEW just couldn't take it
wit'cha, couldja?"

	"..."

	"So yew'z gots what'cha get."

	"But I didn't understand _anything_ he said, Arby."

	"Oye did."

	"How? How could you make _any_ sense out of that jabbering?!"

	"Well, y'know, Aye IZ fluent in ova' six billion forms a'
miscommunication."

	Darien groaned within himself. "It figures. What did he say?"

	Arby cleared his throat, gearing up for one of his patented
long-winded explanations(tm). "Well ya see," he began, "'E sez
that'cha dead." He said no more, merely looking into Darien's eyes.

	"Yes, I'm dead. I know that. What else?"

	"Nothing."

	"We were in there for two full hours and that's all he said?!"

	Arby shook his head. "No no no, that's just the condensed
version. The long version 'as a 'ole lot'a nonsense that'cha don't
wont ta 'ear."

	Darien ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Well,
tell it to me anyway!"

	The Green ArbyFish brightened. "Oh! Gladly. Ya see, when Oye
told 'em that yew wuz dead n' wonted ta live again, 'E said that 'E
knew awl about it. Oye thanked 'Im koindly n' asked 'em for 'Iz auta'
graph. Then 'E gave me two chopsticks n' Oye 'opped 'round 'bout for
three measures of barley ta signifoy that we wuz good chums. Remember
that?"

	"Yes," Darien replied, his eyes blank and shaking his head.

	"Oh. Roight. Ya see, afta' that, Oye asked 'im if 'E wanted ta
shoot a gerrymanda' er two ta win the next elecshuns. 'E told me that
'E wuz confident that 'E could win with sum 'shrooms on 'iz back,
but that 'E didn't care one way or the other 'cos Green Karma always
votes fer the incumbent official." Arby shook his head. "Then YEW just
'ad ta break up the conva'sation asking about ya dimwit loife again."

	"It's why we're here, isn't it?!"

	"Maybe fah _yew_, but Oye 'ad a few issues Oye felt would be
best resolved with the propa' authorities N' such." The ArbyFish
stood up proudly on his tail. "'Snot evry day that Oye gets ta talk
ta 'Im."

	"Okay, okay, get on with it."

	"Roight. So we doigressed inta a discussion of loife, liba'ty,
n' the pursuit of hoigh-velocity mushrooms. Oye explained that the
Magical Mumbling Moscow Clown Mushroom wuz the best toype in the
unaverse! 'E said that 'E didn't believe that for a nanoshroom. Then
'E told me of the wonda's of the Great Celestial 'Shrooms, also known
as the Peta' Poipa' Picked'Apecka Pickled Peppa' Polygonal Progress
Pushing 'Shrooms that can transmutate a gallon of grade B castor
oil into a solvent that cures awl forms a' bawldness n' flea colla'
problems. Oye thanked 'Im very much n' made prepa'rations to go me
way."

	"But what about MY life?"

	"Oye wuz gettin' ta that. Ya see, 'E cawled me back in ta
discuss the dynamics of loichen-bonding ta 'oigh temperature pink
spore molds n' they didn't loike ta be disturbed to be awakened to
the tolling of the porta'bellows-"

~This went on for a while.~

	"Then 'E commented that the South Ugumbrian duchesses needed
more oyeshadow ta woipe out the stains made in their ear lobes due to
overcrowding a' the crainial subconstruct. Oye disagreed, explainin'
that the propa' usage of oyebrows includes barbeque sauce ta be
spread from the ankles directly up the vena cava."

	"Get on with it..."

	"Roight. Anyway, we discussed ya'loife n' 'E got a merry
chuckle outta ya wisdom-tooth removal proceed'yas. Then we spoke on
n' on about wot it would take ta get'cha ya loife back. 'E excused
'imself for three minutes ta tawlk with the ones who 'ad propa'
papers n' oyedentification. When 'E came back, E' said that'chew
really can come back ta loife--"

	"Yes! That's what I wanted to hear!"

	"--n' yew can get revoived the day that'chew can stop being
a shrew-monger n' defeat the real tough guy that killedja."

	"Wait, defeat _who_?!"

	"The level ten supa' sayajin that blew yew inta' a bunch of
tuxedo fritta's."

	"...defeat THAT guy?!"

	"In single-armed combat wit one leg toied 'roundja back!"

	"With one leg tied around my back!?"

	"And an arm."

	"...That's impossible!"

	"In-deed!" Arby nodded. "So basically, 'E said," Arby took a
breath for effect as he concluded, "ya dead."

	"..."

	"'Swot Oye sed. In yer 'ead. With a poie. In yer oye. With a
'shroom. In ya tomb. Wi'out a key. In ya knee."

	"Quit'cher rhymin', ya bundt-cakin' 'shroom-flogga'!" Darien
shouted in complete and utter frustration at the seal-like creature.
Suddenly, the ex-college student froze.

	*Wink*Wink*Wink* Arby blinked a couple of times, an amazing
task, considering that he barely ever used his eyelids. He tilted
his head. "Ey, wot'chew just say?"

	"Oye..." Darien grimaced and threw up his arms. "Oh, great!
Now you've got ME doing it!"

	Arby looked pleased. "Gotcha speakin' roight _propa'_ now,
Oye doez."

	Darien groaned. "Leave me alone."

	"Well, then," Arby straightened. "G'boye."

	R.B. Fish, the First and second most powerful of the
unstoppable ArbyFish species, saluted and fluttered away.

	The Roman arches and the rest of the Greek Parthenon slowly
vanished, replaced by a calm, fine mist.

	Darien sat down in the aether, trying to make sense of what
had just happened to him.

	Somewhere, a famous pop star from Jamaica met Death, and
finished his life with a sad, yet amazingly hip song. Darien watched
the tall embodiment of life's end and the singer walk by.

	"Ya canna take me down, mon!" the Jamaican singer protested,
tearing away from Death's firm grasp.

	EVERYONE HAS TO GO SOMETIME.

	"Yah! But I got to finish my song, mon!" the pop star insisted,
running his fingers through his thick, black dreadlocks. "Johnnie
Jamallie's down in the dumps ann'e needs to hear my music!"

	Death pointed at Darien.

	MAYBE YOU COULD CHEER HIM UP INSTEAD.

	"You gotta someone moh sad, mon?" the Jamaican asked, looking
over to the distraught ex-hero. "Whassis name?"

	DARIEN SHIELDS, ALSO KNOWN AS TUXEDO MASK, PRINCE DARIYAN
AND ENDYMION.

	"What?!" Darien shouted. "How do you know that--" He
stopped, suddenly remembering to whom he was speaking. "Oh..."

	The black pop star nodded. "Ah! Den I got just da ting!
But, like, I'll need some backup-ere!"

	Death backed off and vanished, summoning in his place a big,
top-level Caribbean voodoo band. The band was equipped with a full
battery of steel drums, leather drums, bongo drums, trumpets and
marimba sticks.

	The band played a catchy Reggae intro.

	The Jamaican singer pulled out a microphone and danced around
Darien, pointing occasionally at him to emphasize his words.

	o/Oh! Tuxie is so down!\o

	The bang sang along.

	o/Down, down, down!\o

	o/He is so down!\o

	o/Down!\o

	As Darien tried to ignore the song, he realized that he didn't
know half of what was really going on. He could tell that something
very important had been discussed during his visit to this
Arkleseizure-thing. Unfortunately, he didn't speak its language. But,
if what Arby had told him was true, reviving himself was not going to
be an easy task.

	o/He is six feet unda', unda da ground!\o

	o/Under the ground!\o

	o/Ground beef, ground hog, ground--he so down!\o

	o/Down, mon!\o

	o/Mon!\o

	o/Down, mon!\o

	o/Mon!\o

	It sounded like he was going to have to defeat the beast-man
that had killed him without a second thought. Either that, or he
really couldn't go back to life. It was a confusing dilemma. He
didn't even have a clue where to start.

	o/Some get pokay-mon, others get diggie-mon!\o

	o/Mon, mon, mon!\o

	o/But he is ded-mon!\o

	o/He is ded-mon!\o

	o/Mon!\o

	"Trying to get a handle on the moment?" a soft voice behind
Darien asked. He remembered whose it was from earlier.

	"Xian Pu?" the man asked as he turned toward the slender,
beautiful Chinese Valkyrie.

	"That's not my real name," the woman replied with a shake of
her head.

	"What do I call you, then?"

	The purple-haired Valkyrie folded her arms and tilted her
head at him. "In a past life, you called me 'Mother.'" She sighed.
"You really don't remember, do you?"

	"No," Darien replied. "I don't even recall who _any_ of my
parents are. I've seen some photos, but--"

	o/De Tux es ded-mon!\o

	o/De Tux is ded-mon!\o

	o/No mem'ry got-mon!\o

	o/Mem'ry got-mon!\o

	The woman turned away. "It doesn't matter," she dismissed
the idea with a wave of her hand. She looked back at him. "Do you
intend to attempt a revival?"

	"I had something like that in mind, yes."

	o/OH! De Tuxy wonts to live!\o

	o/Tuxy wonts to live!\o

	"What was the condition? Was it to make the Queen of the
Ettins cry?" The woman almost smiled. "Or perhaps was it to guide
a young warrior on the Earth to victory?"

	Darien shook his head. "No. Nothing like that."

	"Then what?"

	"It looks like I have to defeat the one who killed me."

	o/Beating mon of power--eet is so hard!\o

	o/Power beating, hard get hit, mon!\o

	o/Hard get hit, mon!\o

	"Oh, is that all?"

	"Somebody said he was a level ten Super Sayajin. What's that?"

	o/Too bad! Oh! Endy wonts to live\o

	The Chinese Valkyrie winced. "Ouch."

	"That bad, huh?"

	o/But he be dead meat now, mon!\o

	o/Canna beat a big guy, big guy wheep!\o

	o/Beeg guy wheep!\o

	The armored female nodded grimly. "Yes. Fighting him had to be
rough."

	"Tell me about it. He killed me in one hit."

	o/An' now he is dead-mon!\o

	o/He is dead-mon!\o

	o/He so dead, mon!\o

	"Level TEN did you say? I'm surprised you even lasted long
enough to take that hit. Most people simply burn up if they get too
close to one--like, within eight miles' distance."

	"So how am I supposed to beat HIM?"

	The armored woman shrugged cluelessly. "Beats me."

	"I don't even know where he is or how to get to him."

	"Was he evil?"

	"Yyyyyeah. I'd say so."

	"Then there is probably only one place where he would be."

	"Where's that?"

	o/Oh!	So Tuxie wonts to raid hell-mon!\o

	o/Hell-mon raiding!\o

	o/Oh, hell-mon raiding!\o

	The beautiful woman who claimed to be Darien's mother
winced from the pitch of the music in the background. "But
first, let's get away from this racket. Your father will
explain it all."

	"My father?"

	"The former King of Earth."

	o/Oh, Earth-King Kull meeting-mon!\o

	o/Meeting-mon, meeting-mon, meeting all de way!\o

O_O

	"Okay, here's the plan," explained the ghostly former King of
Earth, "you take this horse here," he tugged at the reins of the
purple polka-dotted Pegasus he had with him, "ride it down INTO
the fiery depths of Hell, find that Kakkerotting guy and beat the
@#%@! out of 'em. One minute after you win, you'll wake up and
start to breathe, totally alive and as you were before you died."

	Darien quickly activated his Tuxedo Mask transformation and
looked at the man who claimed to be his father in a past life.
"I lost badly the first time I fought him," he sighed as he mounted
the Mare of a Different Color. "Do you really think I can win this
time?"

	"Oh yeah," Kull replied with a nod. "I bet'cher soul on it,
now get going!" He slapped the rump of the pegasus.

	*WHINNIEEE!* The horselike creature let out a high-pitched
winnie, then reared back, almost throwing Tuxedo Mask off, then
dove forward, the Gates of Hades wide open to receive them.

	Kull the Conqueror shook his head and rolled his eyes. "What
a gullible kid he's turned out to be." He looked at the Chinese
Valkyrie standing next to him. "He doesn't take after my side of
the family, that's for sure."

	The woman smiled playfully at her disembodied husband. "Oh?"

@_@

	Tuxedo Mask struggled with the pegasus's reins, trying to
get the uncooperative magical beast to stay away from the alternating
flaming and rocky walls as he tried to get a grip on what exactly
he was supposed to be doing.

	While he tried to recall exactly where he was, a giant three-
headed dog nipped at his toes, managing to get half a tooth-hold on
his shoe, pulling him from his saddle. A part of the shoe ripped
free, enabling Tuxedo Mask to hang on and continue with his mount.

	Charon and the River Styx loomed ahead. The ancient boatman
held out his hand for perhaps a gold piece or two, but the tuxedoed
man accidentally kicked him off of his boat into the foul waters
below.

	Water-skiing off and on in the river alongside his pegasus,
Tuxedo Mask struggled to get back on the hairy beast. Finally getting
a foot in the stirrup, he pulled himself up, only to find that he
was on backwards. "Oh NO!"

	The pegasus whined in a high-pitched voice and accelerated
even more, blowing the man's cape up over his head. Struggling
to get his cape out of his face while trying to remain saddled
and keep a hand on the reins, the cavern suddenly opened up
wide into a green, grey and red topography with fountains and
vegetation, topped by a roof of yellow clouds of smog.

	Out in the brightness were several demons planning their
dastardly deeds, preparing to destroy the souls of men, getting
ready to take over, blah, blah, blah.

	Well, actually, they were just doing their laundry. Make
no mistake, however. It was all very EEEVIL laundry. Really.

	Mara, a very powerful demoness, hummed a cheery tune as
she pinned all her leather and other unholy unmentionables to
the clothesline, herself wearing a modest yellow sundress and a
black apron with a fanged bunny on it.

	*WHINNIE!*WHOOSH!* Tuxedo Mask and the pegasus sped by,
snapping up all of the demoness's laundry and rapidly becoming
tangled up in it. "ACK!!!"

	Mara shrieked and shook her fist angrily at the man as he
flew off into the distance.

	After a bit of Houdini-like contortionism, Tuxedo Mask
managed to slip out of the clothesline, losing his mask and top hat
in the process. He fumbled around, shifting into the correct
position on the saddle just before the pegasus shimmered and
vanished in a smattering of magical dust, its whine filling the air.

	"WAAAAAAH!" Tuxedo Mask fell down to the sand and skidded
into the briny liquid below, knocking over a wooden stand and
somebody's drink in the process.

	*KA-SPLAAASH!*

	"Hey!" Kakkorotto shouted, standing up from his lawn chair.
"Watch where you're landing, you tiny little powerless human!" He
was wearing Bermuda shorts and had on a pair of sunglasses.

	Tuxedo Mask instantly bolted upright, what passed for water
dripping from all over his outfit. "Yes sir!"

	"Good man," the Sayajin laughed, giving the formally-dressed
individual a hearty slap on the back, knocking him a few feet deep
into a nearby cliff. "Now get outta here!" He kicked at his cup,
but scowled when he found it emptied out onto the sand.

	Tuxedo Mask stumbled out of the hole that he had made in
the jagged rock wall. He patted himself to make sure he was okay.
He was, of course, completely and utterly stone-dead already, so
being hit by a bone-pulverizing backhanded slap wasn't so much of
a big deal anymore. What was it going to do? Kill him?

	Kakkorotto snapped his fingers, ordering a pair of servant
imps to bring him another lemonade. In a wash of flame, the
demonlets scrambled to obey their master. A new drink was hastily
placed in his hand. "Hey, there we go." Sipping the drink, it
poured out straight through his spirity throat and cascaded upon
the sand. He paused, looking at what happened. "Yeech, I hate
being dead." He dropped the glass.

	It was more or less at this point that Tuxedo Mask remembered
the face of the one who had killed him. "You!"

	Kakkorotto turned to face the other ghost. "Me?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm me. Who the," he paused as he remembered where he was,
"heaven are you?"

	"You killed me, remember?"

	"It's possible," Kakkorotto agreed with a nod. "I killed a
lot of people. Me and my buddies, I mean, before they ditched me."
He paused again. "So, I killed you and you came down here with me,
huh? It's not such a bad place. Not anything like what they go on
about all the time. Oh, sure, the guys with pitchforks tried to
torment me and all that in fire and brimstone, but I fixed 'em up
real good!" He the wild-haired alien allowed himself a chuckle.

	"I wasn't sent here when I died," Tuxedo Mask corrected the
other, "I came here of my own accord!"

	"Yeah, well, I guess that's your problem, isn't it?"

	Tuxedo Mask pointed at the Sayajin. "You stole my life, and
I have come to take it back."

	"Oh?" Kakkorotto looked interested. "How do you plan on
doing that?"

	"The Powers that Be have granted me the chance to go back, if
I defeat the one who prematurely ended my mortal existence!"

	The Sayajin blinked. "So you want to try and defeat ME?"

	Tuxedo Mask nodded.

	Kakkorotto laughed. It wasn't one of those malevolent,
overconfident laughs. It was a laugh that only occurred when an
individual was confronted by a situation so utterly absurd that it
failed to consciously resolve itself into a real, actual
possibility. It was rather akin to when a brown chipmunk hops up to
the feet of a California businessman on a warm Sunday morning and
asks in a British accent if it can please, pretty please, borrow the
wastebasket so that it can reach the computer at home to type up his
weekly weather report for the bluejays. Something like that.

	Tuxedo Mask clenched his teeth. "I mean it!"

	"Okay," Kakkorotto said, taking several deep breaths to help
himself calm down, "sure. I'll fight you." Something occurred to him.
"Hey, if you beat me and get to live again for it, does that mean I
get to live again if _I_ beat _you_?"

	Tuxedo Mask's mouth hung open and he didn't know exactly
how to respond. The First of the Green ArbyFish fluttered up to
perch on the man's shoulder. "Oh, 'e'z roight, 'cha'know," the
seal-like creature said. "If yew win, yew gots ta go back ta
loife." He pointed at the Sayajin. "If 'E wins, 'E gets ta go
back n' blow up th' planet. Fair'z fair, y'know!"

	The ArbyFish turned to look at Kakkorotto and saluted.
"'Ello, mist'ah!"

	Kakkorotto gasped and took a step back. "Not you again!"

	Arby leapt on to the sand and hopped a few paces toward
his old sparring partner. "'Ow iz yew?"

	Kakkorotto looked away, covered his face and took a few
steps back. Arby hopped forward like a sparrow to match the
change in distance. "Wot???" the 'Fish asked innocently.

	*Puff!* A real, live dead White ArbyFish popped into view on
Kakkorotto's shoulder. "Pull yourself together, young man!" the
White thing hissed in a refined voice, slapping the Sayajin up
the backside of his head with a flipper. "The battle must begin!"

	Kakkorotto looked at the thing on his shoulder. It was
almost but not quite like the thing that had killed him. He grabbed
at it, but it kept fluttering out of his reach before settling back
on his shoulder. "HEY! What-"

	"I am Bruce," the White ArbyFish said. "I've been chosen as
your coach to help you defeat this pitiful little _thing_." He
glared at Tuxedo Mask through glowing red irises.

	Arby gave a Green hop up to perch on Tuxedo Mask's shoulder.
The man looked at the Green thing, which said to him, "N' Oye'z gets
ta 'elp ya barbeque 'im, Oye doez!"

	"YOU?!" Tuxedo Mask asked incredulously.

	"I don't need any help!" Kakkorotto protested. "I have the
powers of a level ten Super Sayajin! I don't need any help taking
this guy out!"

	"It is the law!" Bruce announced.

	"Wait a sec," Arby said, holding up a flipper and looking
at the other ArbyFish. "Oye'z ded, but 'ow'djew get congealed,
hmmm?"

	Bruce's tiny, whiskered White ArbyFish face scowled. "I was
trying to figure out precisely _why_ you decided to die for a
bunch of worthless human beings, then I decided to investigate this
by way of a white dwarf supernova in the Andromeda Galaxy-"

	Arby smiled. "Oh, gots blown up roight noicely, yew did!"

	"Indeed," Bruce agreed grimly. "The Yellows and the Blacks
made it look _so_ terribly easy..." He looked back at the Honored
First One among ArbyFish. "Why _did_ you die for those _things_,
anyway?"

	"Well ya see, Oye in'erited me gene'ic material from a lil'
black cat named Luna. She wuz gunna train me ta inta'act wit th'
rest a' the 'uman world. Oye comple'ed me credits before the
semesta' wos up n' desoided ta take a summa' course-"

	"So YOU of all ArbyFish did it for LOYALTY, then?!"

	Arby shook his head. "No, no, no. That wos just th' cova'
story. Oye really just wunted ta barbeque the giblets ova' the
broaken foy'ah n' make rheum for the mush, whoile the spits n'
the swallows boiled up sum graen beens n' such. 'Twas brillig
n' the sloivey toves Arby did say, so he tuttled off ta Greenberg
ta whittle it, n' play. The fluffywhigs n' the muffywhigs voted
as they may, but diddledogs and polywhogs went whiffling on their
way, so we did take a cucumber, short and stout, and borrow it
in sleigh. Sleighing the cucumber, we did, so we tooke 'em out ta
shoot the bamboo n' 'ave it fer lunch. In lunching we did launch,
and paunching we did paunch, while morrowing n' Pern."

	"Yes, that makes a little more sense now, but WHY die?!"

	"Oye just explained it, Oye did!" Arby replied cheerfully.

	"You mysterious Ancient," Bruce muttered, attempting to
decipher the true meaning of his Great Ancestor. Fluffywhigs and
muffywhigs were sensible enough, but that Pern reference just
plain threw him off.

	"Tifflecogs n' pollywhogs," Arby added an additional clue.
"Where does one get pollywhogs this toime a' th' weak, anywhey?
Tifflewogs are fair enough, but pollywhogs are 'ard ta come buy."

	"Buy," Bruce repeated, trying to extract the proper meaning
from that syllable. He sighed and shook his head. "I see. Then I
must ask them myself?"

	"Asking pollywhogs? In-deed!"

	Tuxedo Mask and Kakkorotto stared.

	"Ya see," Arby explained, "ya 'ave ta catch a tifflecog ta
lure a pollywhog!"

	"Private business," Bruce snapped at the non-ArbyFish present,
"mind your own!"

	"Ooooooh-kay," Tuxedo Mask droned. Kakkorotto cringed, all
of this bringing back some pretty hot-dang unpleasant memories.

	Arby looked between the two humanoid beings and announced,
"Whelp, awl that means we gets ta advoise n' judge the contest."
He cleared his throat. "'Op tew it, then."

	"Fight!" Bruce ordered.

	"What are the rules?" Kakkorotto demanded.

	Arby thought about that. "Oh, well, ya see..."

^_^

	"Then the badgers eat the curt'led graens n' such, boilin'
off the residue n' sendin' it back ta roast beef wit th' compu'a
for a whoile n' it's done. N' that's 'ow the 'owle thing works,"
Arby concluded.

	"Ah, yes," Bruce commented with a nod, "it makes perfect
sense now." He looked at Kakkorotto. "Let's end this quickly.
Use your blasting attacks."

	The Sayajin shrugged and held out a hand, charging it with
huge amounts of high-level Ki.

	"Ya shoelace's untoied," Arby told Tuxedo Mask.

	*BLAM!* The tuxedoed man instinctively bent over, the energy
blast skimming straight over his head. After a moment, he noticed
something. "Wait, these things don't have shoelaces!"

	"Ground-dwellers!" Bruce cursed under his breath. Aloud, he
barked an order to the Sayajin. "Try a physical attack, then!"

	Arby blinked at the man whose shoulder he was sitting on.
"Oh. Roight." He picked something small off of his fur and tossed
it onto the man's outfit. "'Ave sum fleas, then. They're noice n'
ravenous!"

	"Fleas?!" Tuxedo Mask exclaimed, instantly starting to feel
itchy. He dropped down and rolled around, frantically trying to
stop the fleas from doing their work. In the process, all of
Kakkorotto's super-speed punches and kicks missed him.

	"Graet!" Arby cheered. "Now use yer smokin' jacket attack!"

	Tuxedo Mask stopped. "My WHAT?!"

	"Y'know, that thing n' that otha' thing!" Arby shouted into
the man's ear while slapping him with a tiny horse-whip. "Mushrooms,
m'boy! Mushrooms!"

	*THWACK!* Kakkorotto kicked Tuxedo Mask high up into the air
and fired a quick blast at him.

	*BLAM!!!* The entirety of Hades was illuminated by the
intensity of the explosion.

	"Excellent!" Bruce congratulated his fighter.

	Several demons and demonesses applauded.

	After a few seconds, Tuxedo Mask's limp form slumped back
down. In addition to the ground, a realization suddenly hit him:
he didn't stand a chance against the man who had killed him with
barely an afterthought. In fact, there was literally no way in
Hell that he could win an all-out battle to the death!

	However, Tuxedo Mask also noticed that he wasn't feeling
any pain. That brought up another question: how does one win a
battle to the death when one is already dead?

	Arby shook his head and narrowed his eyes, still perched
on the shoulder of the dead human. "'Ey! Stop that, stop that!
Yew'z thinkin' again. Can 'ear those ghostly neurons firin' back
n' forth. Yeech!" He shuddered in disgust.

	"Arby," Tuxedo Mask whispered from his prone position on
the sand, "how can I kill someone that's aready dead?"

	"Oh, well, ya can't. 'Least not wi'out sum fungus. 'Soides,
th' battle 'snot ta kill 'im. 'S ta d'feat 'em, it is!"

	*THWACKKK!!!* Kakkorotto kicked Tuxedo Mask upward again,
then flickered into view above him and hit him with a double-
handed hammerfist to knock him down again.

	"RRRGGGGHH!! Well, how do I do THAT, Arby?!"

	Arby thought about that for a second as they fell downward.
"Well, Oye does know a tech'nique on 'ow ta defeat 'em in three
easy steps."

	"Which are?!"

	"Step one: taunt 'em a bit."

	"Okay..."

	*WHAM!* Tuxedo Mask crashed into a jagged rocky crag.

	"Step two: get 'em really, REALLY angry."

	"AAAAAAAGGHHH! Yeah, Arby, what next?"

	"Step three: blow 'em ta bits!"

	"Oh, that sounds straightforward enough, but HOW?!"

	"Well, ya see..."

---

	"N' that's 'ow ya does it," Arby finished his explanation.

	"The badger...? The mushroom and the alcophobic marmoset?"
Tuxedo Mask whispered in disbelief, trying to discover the meaning
of the creature's words.

	"Well, a'course! Gotta use the badga's n' the marma'sets. 'Ow
else'dja take care a' the penguin roast, hmm? Hmm?"

	"Penguin roast?!"

	"He knows your secret!" Bruce shouted urgently to Kakkorotto.
"Destroy him NOW!"

	"Would you SHUT UP?!" the Sayajin yelled at the White ArbyFish,
slapping at it with a free hand. He failed to knock the thing off his
shoulder. "And GET OFF!"

	"Now'z yer chance," Arby noted. "'It 'em where th' 'shrooms
won't rhoyme!"

	*WHACK!*WHOOOOOSH!*BLAAAAAAM!!!*  In his flailings, Kakkorotto
kicked Tuxedo Mask away into another nearby mountain, which promptly
exploded on his impact.

	Dust scattered every which way and several horned demons and
scantily clad demonesses stood off on the sidelines to watch.

	"WAY TO GO, KAKKIE!" Mara cheered, glad to see some retribution
against the jerk that had stolen her laundry.

	When the dust cleared, Tuxedo Mask stumbled out of the
former mountain's rubble, wobbling around in a daze. "Ughhhhh," he
groaned, stunned, but in no pain whatsoever. He brushed himself off.
"How did I...?"

	The demons booed and hissed, starting to throw turnips and
handfuls of sauerkraut.

	"Ya's already dead," Arby noted, still firmly perched on the
man's shoulder. "Wot's it gonna do? Kill ya?"

	"But doesn't that mean I'm defeated?" the tuxedo-clad ghost
asked, STILL trying to acquire his bearings on the situation.

	"Nope!" Arby replied, just as the Sayajin dove forward in a
sphere of flame, landed several thousand punches and kicks to Tuxedo
Mask's chest and throat before grabbing him by the top of the head
and hurling him up into the yellow clouds.

	Kakkorotto held his hands together, gathering tremendous
amounts of energy between them. "WIDEBEAM!"

	A bright cylinder of light quickly bridged the distance between
its sender and the intended receiver.

	*WROAR!*BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!*BLAM-BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!*

	A sphere of energy swirled and expanded around Tuxedo Mask's
former position, exploding several times more before finally
evaporating.

	The demonic hosts applauded. "YAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

	Tuxedo Mask landed lightly to the ground, blinking and squinting
against the sudden, intense illumination.

	*WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOO!!!*

	With a single kick from the Super Sayajin, Tuxedo Mask was
sent skidding on the ground, leaving a deep half-mile-long trench
in his wake before the pseudofriction (and a stone pyramid) slowed
him down.

	Tuxedo Mask stood up and dusted himself off.

	The audience started to boo Kakkorotto for not having destroyed
his foe. This time, they started throwing mushrooms and rotting
pieces of beef.

	"Idiot!" Bruce screamed in the Sayajin's ear, again slapping
him upside the head. "Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone before?!"
He paused. "Though, he does have the First One advising him. That
could be the reason. Do you not have any stronger attacks?!"

	"You want stronger?" Kakkorotto asked. He grit his teeth and
clenched his fists, holding out his arms. "You got stronger!"

	*WROAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!* A sudden rush of power caused a
tornado to whip around the hyperpowered alien. His hair became more
spiky and turned gold, puffing out and growing to ankle-length.

	"A Legendary Level Three Super Sayajin," Kakkorotto casually
commented to the White ArbyFish.

	*Vrr-vrr-vrr-vrr-vrr-vrr!* The energy field around the alien
was so powerful that its hum could be heard from far away.

	Tuxedo Mask's eyes widened. "Uh oh!!!"

	"Oh, iz that awl?" Arby asked rhetorically, grinning.

	"What do you mean, 'Is that ALL?!'" Tuxedo Mask screamed.

	"Is THAT all?!" Bruce hissed with a scowl.

	"Wot's 'e gonna do?" Arby reminded the human ghost. "Kill ya?"

	"Be quiet and watch," Kakkorotto sighed, pointing a glowing
finger at his opponent.

	*BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

	"TOIME OUT!!!" Arby calmly called through the eighth loudest
sound in the universe.

	The explosion subsided at once, leaving a sixty-meter-wide
hole in the ground. Tuxedo Mask hovered unscathed in the center.

	The Green ArbyFish fluttered over to Kakkorotto, perching on
his nose.

	"GAH!" Kakkorotto shouted, backing off in post-mortem trauma
of the Green thing.

	Floating in the air, Arby pulled out a letter, sliced it open
with a flipper, then pulled out the letter and read it. "Ahem. Buy
our command, we does not want yew to destroy evr'ythin' on the first
day. This means that ena'gy attacks are officially outlawed on
penalty a' loss a' physical manifestation priv'leges, ex oh, ex oh,
('ugs n' kisses), Lord 'Ades n' Lady Persepha'knee."

	*Wink*Wink-wink!* Kakkorotto blinked a few times.

	Bruce slapped his forehead with his left flipper. "Curses
and sugary toothrot! That means if you use another energy blast,
you're disqualified." He snapped his flipper. "And you were SO
close!"

	Arby bowed respectfully, graciously handed Kakkorotto a
mushroom, crumpled up the envelope and swallowed it, then flew back
to sit on Tuxedo Mask's shoulder. "Continue!"

	Kakkorotto tossed the mushroom aside and cracked his ghostly
knuckles. "Okay, the old fashioned way, then." He rushed forward and
proceeded to get Pre-Darwinian on Tuxedo Mask's disembodied form.

	*BAM-WHACK-THWAH-THWAH-THWAH-THWACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!*

	The Sayajin finished up with a beautiful double-fisted hammer-
blow to his opponent's face, blasting Tuxedo Mask a million miles
deep into the ground.

	Kakkorotto paused to catch his imaginary breath and smile at
his handiwork. The demons applauded.

	Ten seconds later, Arby hauled Tuxedo Mask out of the man-
shaped hole and tossed him to the side of it. "There ya go!"

	The demons booed. A shower of fire and brimstone followed.

	"You can't help him like that!" Bruce shouted out a formal
protest. "It's against the rules!"

	"'Course Oye can!" Arby replied, helping the Tuxedoed Wonder
to his feet.

	Though still unscathed, the man's shoulders slumped. "How the...
What good am I against THAT?!"

	"No, you can't!" Bruce insisted.

	Arby folded his flippers. "Yes Oye can!"

	"Can't!"
	"Can."
	"Can't!"
	"Can."
	"Can't!"

	"Can yew dew the can-can?" Arby asked.

	"Oh, all right!" Bruce gave up. "A compromise!"

	"Advoisa'switch!" Arby called out and clapped his flippers
together.

	*Poof!* Bruce and Arby switched fighters.

	"What the?!" Tuxedo Mask shouted, looking at the White thing
on him.

	"I suppose that's fair," Bruce replied.

	"Alroight," Arby said and looked at Kakkorotto. "Well, go on.
Blow 'em up! Use yah Hawaiian Queen Flowah-Bustah Sock."

	"I'm not falling for that! I'll be disqualified if I use an
energy blast," Kakkorotto noted.

	Arby smiled. "In-deed!"

	"Just stand there and let him destroy you," Bruce urged the
man whose shoulder he occupied, red eyes glowing. "Unfortunately, it
will be mostly painless."

	"But I want to LIVE!" Tuxedo Mask protested.

	"Everyone dies, eventually," Bruce noted. "I did." He pointed
at Kakkorotto and Arby. "They did." He grinned a fanged grin. "You
did. And here you will stay, being beaten for all ETERNITY! BWA-HAH!"

	Kakkorotto dove forward, crashing with skull-atomizing force to
the side of the Tuxedo Mask's head, sending him burrowing through the
ground, leaving behind a plowed trench, until his face and shoulders
slammed through yet another conveniently-placed jagged mountain.

	The others cheered as they saw him sail across the dirt and
slam through a passing horned demon's car hard enough to puncture and
put a spark in its gas tank, with predictable consequences. The
resulting fireball obscured his further trajectory through a house
across the hellish street, knocking down enough major supports to
collapse what was going to be a local imp architect's showcase
Sayajin-proof home.

	Fortunately, no further obstructions presented themselves
between the juggernaut and the River Styx, where Tuxedo Mask began to
descend. He had enough presence of mind to grab the staff from
Charon's hands as he passed; momentum transfer sent him back towards
the other end of the landscape and peg Charon's staff right through
the rock above Cerberus's head, which then broke off and slammed into
the giant dog's head, but not before it was able to bat the Amazing
Indestructible Tuxedoed Acrobat back toward the area near to where
Kakkorotto was standing.

	Atmospheric friction had, by this time, not done anything
whatsoever to slow the man down, and full realization of this became
apparent when he realized that Kakkorotto's fist was extended to
welcome his face.

	Adding a well-placed and well-charged Ki-blast, Tuxedo Mask's
head literally exploded, giving him just enough additional velocity
to sail all the way back to the River Styx, break another rock and
cause it to fall upon the poor tri-cranial pooch. He almost bowled
over Mara when Cerberus smacked him back, until Kakkorotto
intercepted him with another sudden dive and crash, exactly
canceling out his remaining momentum.

	Tuxedo Mask landed at Kakkorotto's feet, only for the local
Ethereal Birds Society to spontaneously declare his head the site for
their next convention, starting immediately.

	*SPLAT-SPLAAAAAAAAAT!!!*

	Tuxedo Mask groaned in a heap of imaginary dung, not in any
pain whatsoever. Really.

	"Stay down!" the hellish hosts screamed at him.

	"Don't letcha'self be da'feated, ya wee pansy!" Arby called
from Kakkorotto's shoulder. "Yew 'assn't 'ad 'nough yet. Get back
up n' take it loike a 'shroom!"

	Tuxedo Mask slowly stood back up and resumed a sloppy fighting
stance. "I mustn't let myself be defeated!"

	"Good fah yew!" Arby replied. "Now take this critta' down!"
He fluttered out of the way of Kakkorotto's sweeping hand.

	The demons and demonesses booed, signaling a thumbs down.

	"Do you mean to tell me that though you can destroy worlds
with barely an afterthought but you can't kill the human spirit?!
What kind of warrior are you?!" Bruce shouted across the field to
Kakkorotto.

	Arby turned to explain exactly what kind of warrior the Sayajin
was, and what he could become with a just a little scrap of lettuce
and some fungus. "Well, ya see..."

	Suddenly, Tuxedo Mask's shoulders slumped. His eyes widened in
realization of his plight. "I've been trying my best; my hardest, but
I CAN'T BEAT HIM!" He sunk to his knees, looking downward, ready to
burst into tears.

	Bruce grinned malevolently. "Yesss, just like thaaaat. You are
nothing," he whispered into the man's ear. "You are scum; a lowlife
that couldn't even defend your girlfriends from _anyone_! You'll
always be second fiddle to that Starlight Knight. Yesss, he actually
helped, but _you_, little one. You just showed up, tossed your tiny
little roses and made your inane little speeches. Ohh, what a tiny,
insignificant life you've turned out to have. It would simply be a
waste to go back to that. Remain here and take the suffering you
so richly dessssssserve for your failure..."

	Tuxedo Mask actually started to believe the things he had been
hearing. "That's right... I've never been able to do anything good,
even though I got good grades in college, it was a Poli-Sci degree...
All I have are these roses and this cane..." He buried his face in
his hands.

	"Don't give up now!" a commanding, kingly voice echoed in
Darien's spiritual ears. "You're so close!"

	A firm, queenly voice added, "You can do it, son! You can do
it!"

	The chattering of a hundred girls swirled into the mix. "You
can do it, Endy-sama! You're the best! You can do it!"

	Tuxedo Mask ceased his brooding for the moment and looked up
into a brilliant light, in which were the ones that said they were
his mother and father in a previous life, and all the others that
said they were his dead relatives and old girlfriends.

	All of them were cheering and urging him on, smiling and
waving huge foam-rubber 'You're #1' hands as they did so.

	"Look," Endymion's mother explained, "even in the past, you
were a prince, and a very good one. You aided many battles, nearly
won the entire thing. In the present, you've given emotional support
to a group of very important and special young women! There is
nothing nobler or more worthwhile than that!"

	"Listen to your mother," King Kull added, pointing at his wife.
"She knows what she's talking about."

	Angelic singing followed, its soft, penetrating tones reviving
Darien's dying hopes. Harps played in the background.

	"Don't listen to them!" the White ArbyFish hissed.

	"And back on Earth," the former Queen of Earth continued,
clamping her hand over Bruce's mouth, "there are those that do and
will need your help. They need you."

	Bruce struggled against the hand covering his mouth, squirming
wildly but unable to get the proper leverage to remove it. "Mrhphle!"

	"They do?" Tuxedo Mask asked, rubbing his unmasked eyes.

	"Umm-hmm," the Chinese Valkyrie replied.

	Darien pursed his lips and looked over at the Super Sayajin,
who was busy trying to remove himself from Arby's presence, or at
least, his rant.

	"Mares eat oats n' does eat oats," Arby explained, "but lil'
lambs eat oyvie." He paused, hopping to Kakkorotto's other shoulder.
"A kid'll eat oyvie too. Wouldn'tchew?"

	"How can I defeat something like _that_?" Darien asked.

	"Be confident," the Queen urged.

	"I tried that," Darien whispered back uneasily.

	The Queen sighed and shook her head at her former son's lack
of understanding.

	"Tell you what," Kull cut in, drawing Darien's attention back
to the ancient king, "since you're family, I think it's okay if I
lend you something." He took the big battle axe off of his back and
handed it to Darien, who accepted it wordlessly but quickly found his
fingers nailed to the ground under the weight of the object.

	Tuxedo Mask examined the weapon he had been given. It was a
plain axe, with little decoration. Its blade and handle seemed to be
made of a fine quality of steel and looked to be sharp as a scalpel.
One thing was sure, though: it was HEAVY.

	"URGH!" Darien grunted, barely able to manage lifting the
handle a few inches off the ground.

	"Break it and I'll break your neck," King Kull added curtly.
He turned around and whispered something to an obnoxiously cute
cherub floating by his head.

	The Chinese Valkyrie brightened. "So, are you ready to try
again, Son?"

	Tuxedo Mask looked at the woman for a moment, then back at
the axe, then back at her. "Uhhh," he began uncertainly, "sure!"

	The cherub talking to Kull nodded, then began to fly away,
but the King grabbed it by the wings and whispered something to it
in a much stronger tone. Only after the angelic creature had nodded
nervously did the man let it go. After a word from the small being,
the angels put away their harps and hymn books and took out a bunch
of really deep bass drums and started pounding their feet against
a mountain-top, beating the drums and clapping their hands as hard
as they could.

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*
	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	Kull turned toward Darien and said, "Okay, kid, we're gonna
sing you a little song to get you going."

	"How will a song help?" Tuxedo Mask asked, lifting the axe
a little higher as he adjusted to its weight.

	"It's a Venusian War Chant," Kull added with a confident grin.
"With the whole planet singing it, Princess Althea once wiped out a
full-scale invasion force."

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	"Who's Princess Althea?" Tuxedo Mask asked. "The Moon
Princess?"

	Kull raised an eyebrow.

	The Queen giggled strongly for a moment. "Hardly."

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	The tiny cherub from before took out a microphone and in a
surprisingly deep gangsta' voice began to sing.

	o/Buddy you're a boy,
	  Make a big noise playin' in the street;
	  Gonna be a big man some day!\o

	Kull did not cease to grin as he turned Darien around and
pushed him toward Kakkorotto. "Kick his @#%, Tuxy!"

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	Darien lurched toward Kakkorotto, who was still being
distracted by Arby's long, indecipherable ramblings.

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	"AAAARGGHHH!" Kakkorotto screamed from the insanity of it
all while the cherub continued singing.

	o/You got blood on yah face, yah big disgrace!
	  Kicking your can all over the place, singing:\o

	The rest of the heavenly hosts joined in.

	o/We will, we will rock you!!!\o

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	o/We will, we will rock you!!!\o

	Hefting the axe with great determination, Tuxedo Mask continued
his long, grueling trip ten feet over to where the third-level Super
Sayajin stood struggling against the ArbyFish, who sang a traditional
ArbyFish summoning chant.

	o/Mushroomfunguscytoplasm all around ya kitchen!
	  Nevah thought ta clean it up, 'cause that would be admission!
	  Don't forget to feed the cat n' make 'er pay tuition!
	  Mushroomfunguscytoplasm all around ya kitchen!
	  Bumdoodleliddlefiddle-bum-middle-hoigh!
	  Bumdoodleliddlefiddle-bum-middle-hoigh!
	  Bumdoodleliddlefiddle-bum-middle-hoigh!\o

	"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" Kakkorotto screamed.

	At the same time, the angels kept up their shouting, foot-
stomping, hand-clapping and drum banging.

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	o/We will, we will rock you!!!\o

	*WHACK!*

	o/Sock you!!!\o

	Breathing heavily, Tuxedo Mask growled under the strain of the
axe he was carrying and lifted it high above his head to get a
sure-fire swing through his foe's neck.

	An angel with a bandanna whipped out an electric bass guitar
and started playing.

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*
	*VRR-NREOW-NREOW!*

	o/WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!!!\o

	"Whoa!" Darien cried as he was pulled backward by the weight of
Kull's weapon.

	*CLANG!* Kull slapped his forehead and groaned as his prize
champion fell down. With an angry sigh, he added his voice to the
chant going on behind him. "If you don't win, then--"

	*BOOM-BOOM-WHACK!*

	o/WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!!!\o

	When the angels' song stopped, Kakkorotto didn't seem to notice
Tuxedo Mask as he stood back up and started to raise the axe again.

	Arby glanced over to the one he had been advising, then
continued singing to the Super Sayajin, this time in a painful
falsetto:

	o/He trav'led awl around th' world n' ev'rywhere 'e went,
	  'E found iz voice would irritate n' make the people sick!\o

	In a deeper sort of voice, Arby kept going:

	o/When Luke's got a lot a rock ta beat 'em fer 'is kin,
	  Oye would say me special word n' 'e'd poke me wit a pin!\o

	Arby stopped, but just when it looked like the song was over,
he took a deep breath and added:

	o/'Cos he's got mushroomfunguscytoplasm all around ya kitchen!
	  Nevah thought ta clean it up, 'cause that would be admission!
	  Don't forget to feed the cat n' make 'er pay tuition!
	  Mushroomfunguscytoplasm all around ya kitchen!\o

	Kakkorotto took a deep, agonized breath as the ArbyFish
stopped singing and took notice of the man with the axe beside him.

	Tuxedo Mask cracked a strained grin at him, then, far too tired
to make any sort of speech, swung his axe, which sped toward
Kakkorotto's neck.

	Quick on the rebound, Kakkorotto leapt into the air, feeling
a slight breeze pass through his ankles as he did.

	Tuxedo Mask collapsed from the overexertion of it all, panting
and sweating. He looked up to see the Super Sayajin float down
toward him.

	"BWAH-HAH!" Bruce, still firmly seated upon the tuxedoed man's
shoulder, laughed maniacally when he saw Darien's ineffective strike.

	Taking a moment to sort out the confusion that had been dumped
into his mind like a supertanker of manure, Kakkorotto looked down at
his foe. "Heh," he said, "looks like we all know who the winner's
going to be. One last chance, give up or I'll make you regret it."

	From a distance, Kull also laughed. "Guess again, Kakkie! Look
down at yourself."

	On a whim, Kakkorotto glanced down at himself. Yes, he still
wore his bermuda shorts and all that, but he couldn't see below his
shins for some reason.

	"Oh, very sorry, sir," the Chinese Valkyrie added in a pidgin
accent, smiling pleasantly, "but you get nothing. You lose."

	"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Bruce screamed in a rage, hopping off of
Darien's shoulder and examining Kakkorotto's legs.

	"I... won?" Tuxedo Mask asked slowly.

	Arby looked down, then looked into the Sayajin's eyes. "Oh,
yew'z been de-feeted, you 'az!"

	Indeed, Kakkorotto's feet just below the ankles appeared to
be missing.

	"That means," Bruce whispered in a deathly silent voice.

	"It means," Arby said, "Tuxy n' Bruce get ta go back ta Earth
n' live out'cha short loives there," he turned to the Sayajin, "n'
yew n' Oye get ta spend the rest of eta'ni'ey tage'thah!"

	"WHAT?!" Kakkorotto cried, raising his arms in shock.

	Mara the Demoness stepped forward, grinning wildly. "Sorry,"
she told the Super Sayajin with a shrug, "but rules are rules."
She took him by the arm and started to drag him back into the
depths of the underworld.

	"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BUUUUUUUUUUUT!!!" Kakkorotto protested.

	Reclining on the alien's shoulder and sipping from a mushroom
with a tiny umbrella in it, Arby continued, "So, let me tell yew
about the 'shrooms n' the fleas n' the bowers n' the knees. AND the
world up above that'cha don't get ta see. Listen up, cos..." He
looked at the wrist of his flipper as if to check the hour. "We'z
only gots awl of fo'evah ta discuss it." Arby smiled, wiping a tiny,
green tear from the corner of an eye and continued explaining things.

	Arby's voice and Kakkorotto's confused protests slowly vanished
into the darkness. The angels and cherubs started heading back into
the light while the demons returned to business as usual.

	Bruce and Darien stared after them.

	Kull stepped forward and put a hand on the man's free shoulder.
"Heh, that wasn't so bad, now, was it?"

	Bruce shook his head, burying his face in his flippers. "To
live again... Is it worth it?"

	Nobody said anything for seconds, and after what seemed like
minutes, Tuxedo Mask finally found his voice.

	"What just happened?" he asked.

	"You de-feeted him," the Chinese Valkyrie replied, brushing
a strand of her purple hair out of her face, "as was the agreement
between Arby and the Great Green Arkleseizure. He's given up quite
a lot for your sake. I certainly hope you're happy."

	Kull sighed sadly. "That's one brave... thing. I've known
people that've given up their lives for their friends, but _never_
have I heard of anyone giving up their hard-earned afterlife... Arby
did both!" He looked at the man lying on the ground. "You've got an
_awful_ lot to live up to, boy. Don't make him regret this."

	Darien closed his eyes and took another confused breath.
"What?!"

	Suddenly, everything was deathly silent; as silent as a
crypt and smelled of rubbing alcohol.

	"What?" Darien repeated.

	There was no answer.

	Darien slowly opened his eyes to the sight of a pair of
flickering fluorescent lights. He gasped and sat up so he could have
a better look around.

	It would appear that he was in some sort of basement. He was
sitting upon a large stainless-steel tray with wheels. Beside him
was another tray which had a number of very painful-looking surgical
implements. A sheet covered him from the waist down. It looked to
have been pulled slightly aside before he had even though to sit up.

	Darien could tell that he was alive: every part of his body
ached like he'd been blown apart and stuck back together with
superglue. As a cautionary measure, he checked to see if everything
he had was intact. It was.

	He was just in a boatload pain.

	"I never thought I'd say this, but I like pain," he muttered
to himself, clinging to every sensation that indicated to him that
he was alive. "Give it to me! Arrgh..."

	*Crack-crack!* Darien stretched out, nudging his spinal
column into its proper place. "Ohhh, yeah--owwww..."

	{Waaaaah, hellllp!}

	Darien glanced around. He had heard something and felt a
definite psychic connection of some sort. It usually meant that
the girl he was supposed to be protecting was in danger, so he
had to go help her immediately, no matter what sort of agony his
body might be experiencing. "Gotta go save Terra--urgh... Sailor
Earth."

	Darien wrapped the white sheet around his waist and stumbled
out of the basement, muttering, "Hope I get it right last time. Last
time I went looking, I found Sailor Moon. Heh, who cares about _that_
girl?"

	The recently revived being stumbled past a man in a long white
coat on his way out.

	The mortician continued his journey down the steps and his
jaw dropped when he caught sight of the large, empty autopsy tray.
His gaze shifted between the death bed, the large saw in his right
hand, and the stairway.

	The man in the white coat coughed as he realized that the stiff
had just walked out. With eyes wide in shock, he whispered to
himself, "I've never lost a patient before..."

---

To be continued...

Okay, so does anybody want this section included in the actual
NETTG storyline?

If so, I'll need a bit of help fixing it up so that it's presentable
for the final version. (Hint-hint, nudge-nudge, wink-wink!)

And now that you've seen this, are you ready for a few more scenes,
or should I finish the entire chapter before posting more?

-------------------------------
Benjamin A. Oliver
boredcollective@aol.com

	"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
	 We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
	 Your humor will adapt to entertain us.
	 Resistance is and always has been: Futile."

Collective works available at:
http://lwf58.tripod.com/fan_fiction/ben-oliver/index.html

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