On Sunday, January 27, 2002, at 03:28  AM, Jon Osborne wrote:

He jumped back and landed on rock next to the pond.  He pulled
out his pipe and began puffing on it.  He blew a cloud at Ranma,
who put up his hands to block it, and that was when both of them
noticed the smoke deflected by some strange invisible barriers.

on a rock, and you have a run-on sentence.  Try: He blew a cloud at 
Ranma,
who put his hands up to block it. Several invisible barriers deflecting 
the
smoke caught the two martial artists' notice.

Actually, that's not a run-on sentence, just a long one (there's a 
difference). Splitting it into two sentences or leaving it as one would 
be fine, but it would help to at least say "both of them noticed that 
the smoke was deflected by..."

Passive voice like this is not a sin. Their noticing is the first 
important part the author wishes to convey. That they notice something 
odd about the smoke is the next important part. That the odd thing about 
the smoke is its deflection is the third important part. If you change 
it to strike out passive voice, the order is made all wrong.

They seemed to extend from Ranma's knuckles and were long and
slender.  The smoke did not clear the top of them and so it was
difficult to tell how long they were.

Passive voice.  Try:  Long and slender, they extended from Ranma's 
knuckles,
their length unclear as the smoke dissipated before they ended.

And actually, this sentence isn't passive voice at all. Nothing is acted 
upon *by* anything else. "They were long and slender" isn't passive 
voice. However, the second sentence still is quite awkward and it would 
be best to reword at least replacing one of the pronouns with "barriers" 
again.

Protruding from the knuckles on Ranma's fists were the claws.
Easily visible now thanks to the lambent neon blue glow.  They
extended nearly two feet long.

Passive voice.  Try:  The claws protruded from the knuckles of Ranma's
fists.

Also, second sentence is a fragment.  just change period to comma and 
make
Easily lowercase

This isn't passive voice either, merely a predicate-verb-subject-ordered 
sentence. However, the suggested corrections are appropriate.

Happosai stared at Ranma for a few seconds.  He was feeling the
focused rage building within the boy.

Switching tenses.  He felt is more appropriate

I'd suggest "He could feel." You want to indicate a continual action, 
not a one-time "he felt."

Ranma was cutting through the ground, through rocks, and even the
outer wall and Happi was doing his very best to stay one step
away from those claws.  Ranma's reflexes were focused and faster
than Happosai had even seen them.  Ranma's eyes were like a
cat's, slited vertically and as red as fire.  He tried tossing
wards at the boy, but Ranma brushed them off without even slowing
down.

More passive voice  'ever seen them' not even

That's also not passive voice...

I'd suggest "than Happosai had ever seen them before." Actually, the end 
construction is a bit awkward and you might try rewording the entire 
sentence.

Also the "He" in "He tried tossing" seems to refer to Ranma, which was 
the most recent subject mentioned, so you should reword that as well.

"So Ranma has control of the Neko-Ken.  I suspect he did not
realize how much energy he was focusing and passed out.  I'll
bet that if there is a candy bar within a block of us, it has
melted."  Cologne was joking, but no one was laughing and so she
decided to be quiet.

I don't get this joke at all

Me either. ^_^;;; Does candy have some special resonance with ki?

You do have a problem with passive voice though.  Anytime you see was or
were, stop and ask yourself if there is another way to phrase it.  i.e. 
They
were all crouching  could be rewritten as They all crouched.  Keep this 
in
mind and you can greatly improve your writing ability.

OK, an explanation here. "They were all crouching" is not passive voice. 
"They were all hit by a meteor" is passive voice. If there's no "by," 
it's not passive voice--that's the flag to watch for. "They were all 
crouching" is what's called past progressive tense. It's very common in 
English. Past tense it usually used to indicate one-time actions, not 
continual actions. If several people are standing there and then 
suddenly crouch down, you should say "They all crouched (down)." But if 
you look over a wall and see several people already crouching there 
hiding, it's appropriate to say "They were all crouching."

Peter


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