You know the drill: what follows are the opinions of one reader. Take it
for what it's worth, no more, no less.

dragonjex@juno.com wrote:

A Ranma 1/2 / LOTR crossover

written by DJGeek

Disclaimer: They'll all MINE! SO SUE ME!

Delete this attempt at a cheap laugh, and credit Takahashi and Tolkien.
If you don't respect the original authors enough to give them credit
where it's due, why should I respect your story enough to read and
comment on it?

Ranma felt alone.

Loneliness ranked dominant in his mind. The 
loneliness, the solitude, and the knowledge 

You've probably already realized that just telling us he was lonely
isn't enough to convey the feeling that you want here, but
unfortunately, saying the same thing over again doesn't really help.
Instead of doing this, you might consider giving more detail, or (and I
think this is what's going to work in this particular case) showing his
lonliness instead of telling it. There's various ways you could do the
latter. For example, Ranma could see a couple walk by, and his internal
reaction could demonstrate his lonliness without your ever having to
explicitly state it, even without he himself being really cognizant of
it.

============================
2 days ago...

Try to work this sort of information into the context of the story,
rather than adding it as labels. Anytime you talk directly to the
reader, it distracts and distances the reader from your story. Also,
write out numerals: Two rather than 2.

"RANMA!"

Ranma winced at the warcry of his raging fiance

fiancee. Two es when you're talking about a woman.

as he entered the Tendo dojo. He really did not

Do you mean the dojo, or the house? (They're not the same.)

need this. He had came from Ukyo's place to 

He had come

talk to her about ending this mess. Needless to
say, it was painful process but he had managed 
to recieve her forgiveness.

receive

Suggest rewriting this bit, concentrating less on the events and more on
Ranma's thoughts and feelings afterwards. As is, it reads too much like
a synopsis you've provided for the benefit of the reader.

Ukyo giving up this easily is a bit hard to swallow, BTW, especially
without us seeing how it happens. It's not flat-out unbelievable, but it
is something that would take some work to make convincing, probably more
than you could do without taking your story too far off-track. Unless
it's really important to later chapters, I'd advise you to drop it.
Maybe Ranma chickened out at Ukyo's -- ate her food, had a good time,
and never got around to saying what he'd come to say.

Finally, the tombitch of a Tendo appeared right
in front of Ranma, spitfire attitude and all,
wielding a hefty mallet that seemed ridiculously
large. Although unfitting to be wielded by the 
girl, yet still it was readied with ease.

Again, you're telling us several times that it was big. If you think
just saying it isn't enough, then either give more detail (what was it
as big as?) or show rather than tell (not sure how you could do that
here). Actually, in this case, I recommend just dropping the mallet.
It's a sight gag that doesn't translate well into prose writing,
especially when you aren't going for comedy. Akane's quite capable of
doing damage via her fists or any conveniently-placed heavy object.

Akane had lots of reasons to be angry. One, she
was angry about the failed marriage. Two, she
was also angry that Ranma had decided to "run 
away" for a while instead of facing his problems
like a man. Finally, three, he was enraging 
her by going to the restuarant owned by that
splatula hussy. Ranma no doubt was smooching
off while she had to take care of Kuno.

Sorry, but I don't buy these explanations. Akane hits Ranma when he
insults her, or when she catches him in what looks like a compromising
position with another woman. There's no such provocation here,
especially not one that would engender this kind of reaction. Not only
is it dramatically wrong for your fic, as David pointed out, but it's
inconsistent with what we've seen of Akane throughout thirty-eight
volumes of original series (which you've implicitly claimed as backstory
for your fic).

"What is it Akane," Ranma wearily asked. He was

"What is it, Akane,"
(as written, he's asking what "it Akane" is. When identifying who is
being spoken to, always set the identification off with a comma.
Otherwise it completely changes the meaning of the line.)

tired. He need to get this over with so he rest

He needed to

so he could rest

"Don't you 'What is it Akane?' me Ranma!" yelled

me, Ranma!"

"Why were you at Ukyo's place, huh!?"

He's been there other times, and it never set her off like this.

"Sigh. I told you earlier this morning Akane.

morning, Akane.
(As is, he's referring to this "morning Akane." Akane may well *be* a
morning person, but.... Look for this elsewhere. I'm going to stop
pointing out every instance, as you need to learn to spot this kind of
thing yourself.)

I said I was going to convince Ukyo to stop
chasing me. She agreed, and I asked her if we
could become friends again and we both agreed."

AKANE: She agreed to that?

RANMA: Yep, she said she'd be happy to be my friend. After a certain
amount of time, of course.

AKANE: How much time?

RANMA: Um... not sure. When *does* hell freeze over, anyway?

Ranma let out a breather. He was now ready for

a breath.
(A breather is a rest break.)

*Yeah right Ranma! I bet she wanted to be 
friends so she can be your fuck-buddy! That is 
so typical of you Ranma!"

My suspension of disbelief is sinking like a rock, I'm afraid. While
Akane *does* get jealous in the manga, she always has some sort of
apparent provocation. If she had walked in to Ukyo's apartment and found
the two of them naked, this reaction would be believable. As is, it
isn't even remotely so. At the very least, she'd have gone to Ukyo's
place while he was there to check up on him and seen for herself that
nothing bad was going on, thereby deflating her anger. This is what
happened in the Gambling King story (v. 15).

"Now where do you go off sayin' that," yelled
Ranma. Akane was going too far of accusing his 

"Of" isn't the right preposition for that clause. "By" or maybe "in"
might work, but I'd probably just rewrite it as "Accusing his friend was
going too far, and...."

friend and he was not going to let this stand 
by.

"Stand by" means to do nothing and wait for something to happen. You
probably mean "he was not going to sit still for this."

There it came. The inevitable, the end to every
Ranma and Akane conflict created. That hard 
impact of pain that is compressed of ignorance, 
anger, frustration, and egoism, all taken out on
the boy.

Oh, bullshit. That's not how all their past conflicts have ended. Have
you even read the series that your fic is supposedly based on?

BTW, "egoism" is a philosophical doctrine. The word you evidently want
is "egotism." In any case, that whole line's a pretty gratuitous slam
against the character. Is it supposed to be Ranma's thoughts? If so,
it's way too analytical for him, particularly at a moment like this.
Someone getting smacked probably isn't going to have the presence of
mind to right at that moment analyze the psychology of the person doing
it. If it's not his thoughts but an author comment, then it has no
business being in the fic, IMO.

The boy changed back to his old self and went to
his room, needing rest for tomorrow's hardships.

Alas, it was not to be.

What was not to be? Him needing rest? You already said he *did* need it.

Shampoo head found out the truth; Ranma really

Shampoo had found

did love Akane.

Details. What led her to this conclusion?

But she could not let that happen. Already 

She just said it already *had* happened.

too much stake was on her; her honor was at

too much was at stake;

risk, and could not bear to be defeated by the
ugly tomboy.

She's an Amazon, for crying out loud. Do you *really* think a
matriarchical warrior society like theirs would view "tomboy" as an
insult?

She steathily entered Ranma's room from the 
window. There, she could see her beloved 
sleeping innocently, oblivious to what's about

to what was about
(past tense)

to come. The amazon started to have regrets

Amazon
(capitalize; it's used as the name of a specific tribe; look for this
elsewhere)

about what she was about to do.

More detail would help here. What regrets did she have? I like the way
that this is humanizing her and making her into more than just the
story's designated villain. It just needs to be shown more clearly.

The Chinese amazon lay down next to Ranma and
turned his head. Then she kissed him and 
invaded his mouth, licking her lips and his
tongue so the drug could take affect.

effect.
("Affect" is the verb. You affect something; you have an effect on
something.)

"Akane," Ranma moaned in pleasure. It was kind
of a turn-off for Shampoo, but she resumed her

Calling out someone else's name is "kind of a turn-off?" ^_^;;;;; I'd
nominate that for the "Understatement of the Year" award. And if there's
any justice, it'll turn out later that someone was getting all of this
on tape....

HIROSHI: Actually, the girl I dated last year would always call out
another guy's name during sex.

DAISUKE: Was it a turn-off?

HIROSHI: Not at all. But then, that other guy was the one she was having
sex *with.*

work.

After a while, the martial artist started to get
brave and rest was imminent.

Um... huh? Are you telling us that Ranma very bravely rolled over and
went to sleep? I think the decision to imply what happened rather than
be blatant was a good one, but what you said doesn't match what you
(presumably) mean. (I assume you meant Ranma, BTW. There are two martial
artists in the scene.)

===============================================
Tommorow morning...

Tomorrow

Ranma woke up, unsure what happened. As soon as
he was roused from his sleep, he realized there
was something wrong. He looked at his side and
saw what shock him.

shocked

It was Shampoo. He could feel her naked as she

HIROSHI: Feel her naked?

DAISUKE: Her naked what?

RANMA: Don't start.

HIROSHI: But enquiring minds want to know!

Ranma had never been so angry in his life.
Shampoo had done the unthinkable.

How does he know that? For all he should be able to tell, she could've
just climbed into bed with him five minutes ago.

"Ranma, you are traitor! You... you have 

you're a

betrayed me and your honor, you... dog! Get the
hell out of my house!"

And again, how does she know what they did? This *could* be believable
if she had a way of knowing.

"SHUT UP!" As soon as Akane yelled, her hate was
tranformed into a blade, and she slashed Ranma, 
leaving a cut on his chest.

Um... I assume this is meant metaphorically? Suggest you clarify.

The tombitch kick Ranma out of the Tendo household

kicked

Again, "tombitch" sounds like the author slamming the character.

and threw her ring at him.

What ring? The box that Nodoka gave her in v. 36 (the one Ukyo and the
others beat up Ranma and Genma trying to steal) didn't really contain a
ring.

=====================================
The Nerima bridge
=====================================

Nerima has a bridge? Since when? What does it connect to? You mention it
as if I'm supposed to know which bridge you're talking about.

For the first times in his life, Ranma cried. He

first time in

(So he never cried even as a baby? I seriously doubt that. Actually. he
cried in vol. 3 when Mikado kissed him, to take one example that comes
to mind.)

did not care, he was no longer a man.

care; he
(In what sense was he not a man? Was he in female form?)

As night approached, the young man look up in the

looked

starry skies, and saw a shooting star. He 
remembered back to Akane, and all the good times
he had with her.

Mentioning a specific or two would help here.

Then suddenly, he silently
wished he was somewhere where he was loved and
closed his eyes.

*POOF!*

RANMA: Where am I? Feels like a bed... can't see anything....

VOICE: Is that you, Ranma darling? OHOHOHOHOHOHO!

RANMA: Gyaaa! In sixteen years, I get one wish, and it has to be THIS?

There was a hobbit. A hobbit that of full of queer
qualities, so far beyond that of his normal 
personalities of your average halfling.

Um... come again? That sentence made no sense at all.

And what's

what was
(past tense)

so queer about this hobbit was that he was carrying
a big bag. Now, no hobbits have the will to
carry that much weight,

Obviously this one does, so I suggest you rephrase.

but this bag was special.
The halfling was carrying treasure from the cave
of Smaug, and such big treasure it was. Aye, it was
filled with huge amounts of gold coins and artifacts
lavishingly crafted in silver and gold. But then,

lavishly

what's also queer about it was a hobbit actually

what was also
(look for this elsewhere)

carrying treasure. You almost can rarely see any 
hobbit carrying treasure of any sort.

Who's the "you?" I've never seen any hobbits in my life, bub. :)  May
want to change "you" to "one". Also, "rarely" already allows for
exceptions, so you wouldn't need to add "almost."

Aye, but this was a special kind of hobbit. You
see, his name is Bilbo Baggins, and he was a hobbit
full of queer oddities. He was coming back from an
adventure enticed by the dwarves and a certain 

Wrong word. The dwarfs did not entice the adventure. They enticed Bilbo
to undertake the adventure.

wizard in grey. Although Bilbo absolutely dreaded
adventure, he was pushed into doing what he thought
was absolutely queer and unthought of, but gained
a tribute from his contribution. But having taste

tasted

the adventure, he began to regret a little for 
leaving the mountains, the dwarves, and the wizard.

Oh well, he could see Gandalf sometime.

You're touching on a lot of thoughts here that could use more detail. Of
course, most of this could probably wait until Bilbo meets Ranma and
they get involved in the story.

While Bilbo was singing his merry tune, his eyes 
caught something in the reeds. As he went near
to investigate, the hobbit revealed a small boy

Wrong word, unless he actually did something to reveal Ranma (like
parting the reeds or something), and even then it seems to imply that
someone else is seeing it. "Discovered," perhaps.

sleeping on the reed woven bed. The child had

reed-woven

his hair tied into a pigtail, and he was only 
clothed in strange pants. The pity that stayed 

that had stayed

With sympathy on his side, the hobbit used his
stout arms and slung the boy onto his left shoulder.
He would take the boy into his home where would be 
given a good hobbit life and never have to worry
about being alone. 

RANMA: How did you know I was lonely?

BILBO: I read the first part of the fic, of course.

Obviously, you should've had Ranma wish to go soimewhere wherre he
*would* be loved. He can't have *already* been loved in Hobbiton, as
nobody there even knew he existed until the wish went into effect.
Though even then, it'd be a lot easier and simpler just to transport him
into the arms of Kodachi, or Shampoo, or even Tatewaki after a splash of
water.

His bag slung on his other shoulder, he began the
trek towards, Hobbiton, Bag's End, and home.

The first comma doesn't belong.

This began when I was thinking of a Ranma and
LOTR crossover. It was thanks to Tannim because
he labeled my Ranma fic Fantasy Beyond a LOTR 
crossover which it wasn't. It was a psuedo mix
of LOTR/D&D/FR/Warcraft. Thanks to him. I thought
about this and wrote. I also wanted to have a
Tolkien flavor to it, so I added a song. I'm not
a good songwriter, so the song maybe a bit queerish.

Actually, I kinda liked the song.

Queer. Gotta love that word. I wrote this chapter

Yes, but let's not overdo it. :)

Hokay, the bad news is that you've got a real believability problem with
some of your characterizations. If you can't make me believe that the
story you're telling could really happen, then I'm not going to care
about it. ("Really," of course, is defined according to the "reality" of
the Ranma 1/2 manga series; you can make changes in that reality, but
then they need to apply consistently, including to the backstory. If
you're making Akane into a mindless maniac, then that will retroactively
change her behavior throughout the series, as well as Ranma's reaction
toward her.)

The good news, though, is, as David's already pointed out, that you can
fix these problems by writing a sympathetic and in-character Akane,
without sacrificing the story you want to tell; in fact it will work
better than it does now.

The part about Shampoo drugging Ranma and Akane getting the wrong idea
*is* something I can see happening; you need to solve the logistics
problem of how Akane knows what happened, but that's doable. This is a
case where she *does* have the (apparent) provocation she needs for a
blow-up, and I think it works very well for your story.

All of that said, I wonder where this story is going. It seems clear
that Ranma is going to get involved in some sort of adventure in the
Hobbit-verse, but the big question in my mind is what you're going to do
with the other characters back in Nerima. If things just stay as they
are and everything up until now has just been a way of getting Ranma out
of Nerima and severing his emotional connection to the inhabitants
thereof, it's going to be rather unsatisfying. I'm not saying that
Shampoo necessarily needs to get her just desserts, or that Ranma and
Akane necessarily have to end up getting back together. But neither will
your story feel really resolved unless you bring these issues to some
sort of closure.

Also, work on showing more and telling less, and adding more detail to
your narrative. You don't always need to do this, of course. For
background information, a simple telling through the POV of one of the
characters is fine. But when you get to things that are supposed to
evoke an emotional reaction, or are important to the plot and/or main
characters, just telling them to us generally isn't enough. If you write
(and read) enough prose, you'll begin to develop a good feel for this.

Good luck with this and any other works. Keep writing, but also keep
looking critically at your writing and never stop working to improve.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'