Hmmm . . .good use of dialogue/description/action.
Some VERY nice pieces in this story. However I think
it's either too long or too short. Frankly I think it
would have had more impact if you cut it from 4109
words to about 3500 or less. This would make it much
harder hitting and give it a sharper edge.
Some of the descriptive passages, while very good,
don't move the story along.  This is a rather dark,
moody piece, IMO, and paring it a little would benefit
the atmosphere.

An alternative solution (and the lesser solution)
would be to greatly expand the story.

However I think it's real strength is as a short
story.

Good job.


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'