My comments are IMO ONLY. Please recall that this
opinion is based on what I like to read and the way I
write. If you find any of my comments useful, I'm glad
to be of help. If you don't agree, just hit delete.
^_^
{I should point out that my opinion is heavily
influenced by two stories I've got in the works with
same sex relationships:
1) Shampoo/Akane (Shampoo wants to, Akane's doesn't)
2)Akane/Ukyou (Neither want to, but circumstances
force them)
and there is plenty of the sort of conflict I'm
talking about to go around. (Akane attempts to gut
'Shampoo no hentai' like a chicken) ^_* }
So I've got a rather strong bias toward how this sort
of story should proceed. Please keep this in mind
while reading my C&C. ^_O
I must agree with another reviewer, in that this
started off sounding very much like a pulp detective
novel. I liked that. And, IMO,While First Person
narrative is very difficult, the author has done a
very good job writing in first person. I rather liked
Ukyou's characterization but Shampoo's seemed rather
weak, in comparison at least.
(The dialogue flows fairly smoothly and other than a
few minor glitches ("scarlet eyes"???) the
descriptions provide a nice atmosphere)
In my mind the narrative only began to slip during
the discussion of Amazon laws. The whole "I have to
die if I don't marry Ranma" idea is, IMO, rather
cliched. It's not impossible, since Amazon culture
isn't well developed in either anime/manga. However
this particular portrayal doesn't seem to fit a
matriarchal society. And, from the little I know of
societies with a precedence for ritual suicide,
Shampoo's reaction is off as well. It is, IMO, much
too Western.
(At this point, while the writing was still good, I
found it difficult to "suspend disbelief". I kept
wanting MORE background material, more development,
more conflict, to flesh this section out. I couldn't
really �believe' this characterization of Shampoo nor
of Amazon culture. It did not seem consistent with
what little I know of ancient culture nor of how, in
literature, people have accepted ritual suicide to
gain or regain honor. (eg Samurai, Amerind �Dog
Soldiers', etc) It seems more like a �suicide
because life is unbearable' as written. And the
difference between what Shampoos says and the way she
acts bothered me during the reading.
See:
http://library.thinkquest.org/16665/suicide.htm?tqskip1=1&tqtime=0126
for a nice short article on the subject of suicide.)
Finally there is what I have modestly termed :
"The Happy Lesbian Syndrome" (HLS)^_^
There is an apparent undercurrent in much fanfiction
to the effect that all Magical Girls and 99% of all
Japanese females are, by preference, Lesbian or at
most bi-sexual. And of the remaining 1%, half wish
they were lesbian and the other 50% are actually men
in drag. ^_^ (which may explain why Japan has the
oldest population in the world and the lowest
birthrate.)
Now it's not implausible that a culture of Heroic
Female Warriors (Chinese Amazon) would have a strong
lesbian tendency. MALE warrior cultures (Spartan,
Samurai, Roman) had a very strong tendency toward
preferentially homosexual pairings.
A couple of old sayings:
1)A woman for sons, a boy for pleasure and a goat out
of necessity. [anonymous? proverb]
2)There is a boy across the river with a bottom like a
peach----But alas! I cannot swim.
[reputed from a Pathan love song, no attribution
known to me]
A more useful resource might be this book review:
http://www.salon.com/sex/feature/2000/08/15/homophobia/
and the following short article:
http://barney.usu.edu/~FATH6/Rights.htm
Therefore it's not impossible that Shampoo could have
at least a cultural bias toward a lesbian
relationship. However THIS particular aspect seems in
conflict with the "I must suicide if I don't marry a
man" aspect of the story.
Would a matriarchal society require the death of the
WOMAN if she failed to get the man? It seems more
likely that the man would suffer the consequences. In
much the same way the patriarchal societies around the
world blame the woman for rape rather than her
attacker, or ritually castrate women to prevent them
from having sexual pleasure (and hence remove any
tendency to �stray' from their husband.) it is the
'inferrior' gender who is punished. The idea that
"Chinese Amazon' society would require Shampoo's death
for failure is not insupportable, but would benefit by
increased development.
In either case, both aspects Shampoo's
characterization would benefit from more detail.
My objection to Ukyou's �alternate lifestyle' is
rather stronger. There are a great many instances of
women passing as men, even marrying w/o anyone the
wiser. (Including their wives, though I've always
wondered how honest they were about not knowing)
However there are also many instances of women passing
as men, for one reason or another, w/o changing their
sexual orientation. They were still interested in men.
Ukyou's �story' about her past could use development
to make it believable. There are a fair amount of
online resources concerning alternate sexual
lifestyles that I think would be useful in making this
section more realistic.
To the best of my knowledge a woman who loses her
boyfriend in marriage does not automatically hit on
the bridesmaids, anymore than a man who loses his
girlfriend instantly finds himself eyeing an NFL
quarterback. So, both Shampoo and especially Ukyou's
�conversion' need more detail to make it acceptable to
me.
EVEN should Shampoo and Ukyou be developed believably
as Lesbian or bisexual characters, it does NOT
automatically follow that they will find EACH OTHER
attractive.
This is one of the primary diagnostic symptoms of HLS.
All lesbian relationships are happy, fulling and
consist mostly of multiple orgasm's in improbable
places. ^_~ This relationship proceeds much too
quickly and smoothly for my taste. Where are the
regrets, the angst, the arguments about eating
crackers in bed and leaving the toilet seat up/down.
Tears, sweat, fear, doubt, anger . . . These things
are found in �normal' relationships. This is cross
gender/cross-cultural/ cross-species (if it's raining)
between former bitter rivals for the same man
relationship. Frankly there should be shattered
windows, broken crockery and a few explosions. And
that's when things are going well. ^_O
I think you've done a wonderful job with the first
person narrative. Good descriptions, nice
dialogue . . .good writing all around. And the premise
is interesting. However, IMO, their needs to be more
emphasis/detail on character development. And the
relationship should flow _less_ smoothly. There should
be more bumps, more fits and starts and more work to
overcome problems.
I prefer more conflict in a story because I enjoy
watching the characters work to overcome things. And
there IS conflict in this story, the idea of Ukyou
rescuing Shampoo is good. But I think it would be
BETTER if things didn't progress so quickly and
smoothly. Again, this is ONLY my opinion. Other
readers will have a different opinion.
After all, some people like "Jack London", some people
like "Jack Benny" and some people like "Jack Daniels".
It's all a matter of taste (which is subject to change
w/o notice) This has nothing to do with the intrinsic
worth of either of the three "Jacks", nor of this
story.
I hope this has helped a little.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Great stuff seeking new owners in Yahoo! Auctions!
http://auctions.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'