Date: Fri, 18 Jan 2002 13:50:54 -0800 (PST)
From: "Troy Thomas" <Silentnova@go.com> 
Subject: [FFML] [AU: R1/2]Differing Waters: Chapter
Three
To: ffml@anifics.com



As always these opinions are purely personal. Other
readers will undoubtedly differ.

The writing is good. Dialogue and action smoothly
blended. Descriptive passages are a trifle weak in
spots, but then who am I to cast stones? since that's
a weakness of mine. ^_O

The only real �flaw' in the story is characterization.
The Ranma/Rouga interaction is wonderful. It really
carries the story and I like your characterization of
both Ranma and Ryouga.

The Akane/Ranma/Tofu/Kuno interaction isn't bad, just
bland. And the characterizations of Akane/Tofu/Kuno
are very undeveloped, to the point I'd rather not see
them on stage at all. Instead let's see more
Ranma/Ryouga.

 Especially slow moving are those parts of your story
that seem closest  to the original anime/manga
storyline. I really think that you would be better
served with a greater difference in the story. Change
or delete the Kuno-challenge or make Kuno a much
different person or change his way of interacting.
Rather than a kednoist, make him a martial arts
poet.(for example) ^_O

And, other than substituting Ryouga for Ranma the
challenge scene is  much too close to the original
storyline. (although I did like the bit with crushing
the letter. However Akane's reaction was . . .odd. It
just didn't seem believable to me)

 And the Akane-loves-Tofu-from-afar is much too close
to the original as well. Frankly I didn't much care at
all for Akane. Not bad, just not as interesting as
Ranma and Ryouga. 

It's when you get down to Ranma/Ryouga, YOUR story in
YOUR words, that the characters really start to come
alive.  Your story in your words is good. The weakest
section is where you seem to be attempting to re-tell
the original story. 

Strongest characters are Ranma/Ryouga. VERY nicely
done indeed.

By comparison, Akane/Kuno/Tofu are not nearly as
interesting. 

I hope this has helped a little. 

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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