Aleh@aol.com wrote:
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This story's been up on FF.net for a while, but I wanted to post it here a
well. Please enjoy.
Take my comments with a grain of salt; much of what I say is pretty
worthless.
"So," commented the silver-haired pseudo-god, "this pool simulates
possible timelines?"
"Yeah," said the cat, "a while ago, I used it to run a little bet. Lots of
fun, really."
"Oh. Cool. It OK if I play around with it?"
"Of course."
"Good. Make a change right... here."
"You've GOT to be kidding."
"Nope."
Ooh, one of THOSE stories. This should be interesting.
"WHAT?!?" yelled the three sisters who were sitting at the table.
'who were sitting at the table' is a somewhat weak delivery,
especially for an opening line.
"Yes," commented their father, "He's the son of a very good friend of
father, "He's -- father. "He's
mine. His name is Saotome Ranma. If one of you were to marry him and continue
the dojo, our family's legacy would be secure."
Continue the dojo, or the school?
"Tell us a little about him, father," suggested the oldest.
father -- Father (being used as a proper name)
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed all three of the sisters.
Be leery of excessive punctuation. While I generally try not to use
more than a question mark or exclamation point, many people will use
both together (and I used to), but you probably only need one of
each. ;)
...and promptly ran back into the house, being chased by a highly singed
panda. The panda, noticing their fear, ran into the kitchen, from which emerged
an old man in a ratty white gi.
How swiftly did Genma pull of the transformation? You might want to
drop in some kind of time indicator to allude to what's going on --
maybe a breathless moment while the Tendo family stares at the door
and wonders if they really saw a panda run into the kitchen, but
before they can react Genma pops out of the kitchen, etc.
In response, a young man of around sixteen walked in. He was dressed in a
Chinese-style outfit, consisting of black pants and a red sleeveless shirt. His
black hair was tied into a pigtail, which he was fidgeting with sheepishly. On
his forehead was an odd birthmark, which was shaped like an inverted triangle,
which had been cut in half vertically. There were matching diamond-shaped
birthmarks on each cheek, as well.
Might want to reword it, as it is, the delivery is again a little
week. Slighty more active methods of introducing Ranma's various
features and attachments (ooh, spamfic idea, there) one at a time.
For example, maybe:
"He strode into the room and cast about uneasily. Kasumi's eyes found
themselves playing across a series of marking on his face, the
inverted triangle above the bridge of his nose, and a pair of
matching diamond-shaped birthmarks on each cheek. Her youngest
sister found her attention drawn to the boy's pigtail, which he
fidgeted with nervously, while Nabiki found herself admiring the
well-muscled form that was contained in the red sleeveless shirt and
black Chinese pants."
Or whatever. My example it a little bit much, but you can probably
understand what I'm getting at. :p
"Hi, I'm Omigami Ranma. Sorry about this."
"At last, our families can be joined!!" shouted Soun as he embraced Ranma.
"Umm... Tendo-san," he replied, "I am not Genma-baka's son."
Funny that Soun doesn't pick up on the 'Omigami' part right away.
"WHAT?!?!" exclaimed the three sisters, including Kasumi.
Might want to drop a ?! from that.
"Umm..." asked a pale Kasumi, "Why was it forbidden?"
Kasumi, "Why -- Kasumi, "why
"In essence, yes. I've legally renounced the Saotome name, and as far as
the world is concerned, Saotome Ranma died in that pit."
Interesting.
Nabiki sighed in comprehension. "And Genma doesn't care about that."
Why hasn't Soun or Genma said anything about this?
"The magic won't let me. I can't take it off unless the one who put it on
my wrist, namely Genma, gives me permission."
Kasumi smiled and made an offer. "Would you like me to?"
"You can't, Kasumi, but thanks. The magic only allows me or the one who
put it on me to remove it."
The proviso there being that he can only remove it with Genma's
permission. Probably not a problem for this story, but what if Genma
dies? Is he stuck with it forever?
"Yes," Ranma replied, "The bracer prevents the wearer from attacking the
one who put it on him, and forces them to obey three commands. Genma's already
used his."
replied, "The -- replied. "The
Ranma briefly looked as though he was struggling with something before he
continued. "The marks on my face have something to do with it. They're..." At
this point, he started struggling more with each word. "not... birthmarks...
exactly... t-they... are... t-th-the... sym... symb... symbol... of... o-our..."
With that, he passed out of exhaustion.
Or not.
Ranma turned to Nabiki for a moment. As he did so, she heard Ranma's voice
in her head. <Is your father an idiot or just gullible?>
Nabiki turned towards Ranma in surprise at the unexpected sensations. "HOW
did you do that?"
Thought she'd keep her cool, on that one.
"Oh," Nabiki said, more than a little shaken.
<Well,> Ranma said in her head again, <Which is it?>
again, <Which -- again, <which
<It's the intention. If you want me to hear your thought, I do. It's
another thing about my fami... fami... fami... oh, crap.> As he said the last
part, he passed out once more.
When he came to yet again, Nabiki was sitting next to him. "Hello, Ranma.
Welcome back."
PoV shift. I suggest a scene break between those two paragraphs.
"I know your reputation, and it just doesn't match your behavior."
He does? How? And why doesn't she wonder?
"Kasumi has an extremely high affinity for ki-manipulation. In fact, I've
met gods with lesser ki-abilities. Hers is, quite simply, the largest ki-
potential I've ever seen in a human."
Arg! He let a good clue slip out, but she's so much in shock it's
never going to filter through....
As Genma started to comfort him, Ranma stuck his head in the door. "Hey,
Soun, I noticed that you've been slacking off on Akane's training," he started,
as Genma paled visibly, "So, I'm going to take it up. Hope you don't mind."
visibly, "So -- visibly. "So
"Tendo," Genma said, pale, "The Master has nothing on my son."
pale, "The -- pale. "The
"My son could defeat him effortlessly. He's THAT good, and his teaching
methods match his skills. He once took a totally untrained boy and took him to
at least a fifth-dan level in kempo overnight."
That's... insane.
"You were right, Ranma," Akane said after she got out of the furo and
tracked him down, "That WAS fun."
down, "That -- down. "That -OR- down, "that
Nabiki nearly spat out her drink from where she was listening in. Even
Akane looked a bit shaken up.
"By the way, want me to heal those fake bruises?"
Hmm.
"Akane, I'm better than Kuno. It's his declaration that started this mess.
You do the math."
Hm. I'm kind of worried that this Ranma knows everything that's going
to happen.
"What?!? Thou dare to teach the fair Tendo Akane?!?"
Might want to drop a ? from each of those sets.
Suddenly, Kuno was hit by a lightning bolt.
Ranma stopped walking for a moment. "Thanks, Raijin!"
Okay, THAT was clever. :)
From where he was watching, the cat turned to his companion. "The depths
of Genma's stupidity continue to amaze me."
"Same here."
Oh yeah, stupid enough to create the Yamasen-ken and the Umisen-ken,
and then show the presense of mind to seal them away, ayep.
"Kuno," Ranma replied, "Bother me again, and I WILL turn you into a girl.
You have been warned." With that, Ranma used his ki to throw Kuno out the
window. "Sorry about the disruption, teacher."
replied, "Bother -- replied. "Bother
"Kuno," Ranma said, glowing, "You have been warned."
glowing, "You -- glowing. "You
With that, Kuno found himself soaking wet... and female. His shriek could
be heard blocks away.
Cruel.
<Genma's order was to not contact my family. He said nothing about
friends.>
<Oh.>
<Hehe. Genma's life is about to get... interesting.>
Hmm....
In Juuban, Hino Rei felt the massive surge of ki and was very disturbed.
After she did a fire reading, she was even MORE disturbed. What kind of message
from the Gods was 'Yeay! Looks like Uncle Ranma's taking on a new student!!'?
Huh. I'd say that this was probably too much, but maybe something
that can throw Ranma off -- or at least pose a danger to him --
would be a good change of pace from the all-knowing aspect.
I don't know what other people will say, but I found this to be a
pleasant little piece, and one with a lot of potential, too. Will
have to C&C the other chapter tomorrow, though....