My comments@@

BEFORE anyone gets started on this,
Comments and Criticism (C&C) are ONLY my opinion.
It's based on what I like to read and the way I write.
 What criticism I offer is solely an attempt
to �improve' the story, that is, make it more like one
I would write or read. (Is that really an
improvement?) Therefore it's most useful if
you like what I write and want to write similar
stories. Take what you find useful and ignore
the rest.


From:
      Aleh@aol.com | Block Address  | Add to Address
Book

  Date:
      Wed, 23 Jan 2002 14:37:31 EST

Subject:
      [FFML] [Ranma][AMG] The Art, Chapter One

    To:
      ffml@anifics.com






<SNIP>
This story's been up on FF.net for a while, but I
wanted to post it here a 
well. Please enjoy.

@@Disclaimer? Acknowledging the intellectual property
rights of
the authors of the original series?
@@@@@

-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: art.txt

        "So," commented the silver-haired pseudo-god,
"this pool simulates 
possible timelines?"
        "Yeah," said the cat, "a while ago, I used it
to run a little bet. Lots of 
fun, really."
        "Oh. Cool. It OK if I play around with it?"
        "Of course."
        "Good. Make a change right... here."
        "You've GOT to be kidding."
        "Nope."
			

@@Ummm . . .I dislike the opening for several reasons,
among
which are:
1)It's rather bland
2)It's been done before and done to death. IMO

        "Spoken Words"
        <Telepathy>

@@This should be understood from the context of the
story. If it's not, you need to re-write.

@@@@@


        The Art

        by

        Aleh



        "WHAT?!?" yelled the three sisters who were
sitting at the table.
        "Yes," commented their father, "He's the son
of a very good friend of 
mine. His name is Saotome Ranma. If one of you were to
marry him and continue 
the dojo, our family's legacy would be secure."
        "Tell us a little about him, father,"
suggested the oldest.
        "Well, I can't really say all that much. I've
never met him."
        "WHAT?!?" exclaimed all three of the sisters.
        "Come on, father, you have to know SOMETHING,"
prodded the middle sister.
        "Well..." As the father was about to continue,
he heard a knocking at the 
door. He dropped everything in a fashion that was
quite typical for anyone who 
knew him and ran to the door, accompanied by his
middle daughter...
        "Growf."
        ...and promptly ran back into the house, being
chased by a highly singed 
panda. The panda, noticing their fear, ran into the
kitchen, from which emerged 
an old man in a ratty white gi.
        The father recognized the old man. "Genma!"
        "Soun!"
        The two were promptly embracing.

@@ This has the virtue of being
short, but FFML readers will be familiar with Ranma. 
If you need to re-tell the �origin' to place the
reader
in the proper timeframe, it's best to try for
something different enough to keep their interest.
This is, BTW, a pretty good compromise. But it
slows the pace of your story, so I think it's worth
the effort to try and change it.
@@@@@
        "So, Saotome, where's your son?"
        Genma looked a little sheepish. "Come on in,
boy!"
        In response, a young man of around sixteen
walked in. He was dressed in a 
Chinese-style outfit, consisting of black pants and a
red sleeveless shirt. His 
black hair was tied into a pigtail, which he was
fidgeting with sheepishly. On 
his forehead was an odd birthmark, which was shaped
like an inverted triangle, 
which had been cut in half vertically. There were
matching diamond-shaped 
birthmarks on each cheek, as well.

@@I'm not fond of static exposition. Sometimes there's
no better way than this. I'd work the descriptive
passages into the action of the story,
SHOW, don't tell. This particular section would have
worked better if it were following a more dynamic
section of story.
@@@@@

        "Hi, I'm Omigami Ranma. Sorry about this."


@@ "Omigami"???
I don't find that in any of the Japanese dictionaries.
Nor in Chinese, or anything else.
Now "megami" means "goddess" But there are always
problems with Romaji instead of Kanji, so that might
just be a variation I haven't seen before. (wouldn't
be the first time)

A form of the sungoddess name is:
Ama-Tera-Suu-O-Mi-Kami, so I suppose you could
get:
O-Mi-Kami Ranma (O-Mi-Gami?)
@@@@@@



        "At last, our families can be joined!!"
shouted Soun as he embraced Ranma.
        "Umm... Tendo-san," he replied, "I am not
Genma-baka's son."

@@ Genma-baka??? A little like calling someone
Genma-arsehole.
It just seems strange that a god/goddess would be with
Genma if s/he felt like that about him. Assuming
that's what you mean judging from  the name and the
title of the story. I don't find Omigami as a name 
either, though. 
(having read more of the story now, I understand this
a little better. However it might be more plausable
with more build-up to this point. And more 'emotion'
on both parts. After all Genma is in the position of a
man riding a Tiger. It's a fun ride, until it's time
to get off and the Tiger eats you. Genma's GOT to be
wondering, at least a little bit, what's going to
happen to him if Ranama get's free or his family finds
him. So show us a little of that feeling in both of
them)
@@@@@

        THAT got Soun to let go quickly. "What do you
mean?"
        A few minutes and a few explanations later,
Ranma and the three sisters 
were sitting and talking.
        "So, let me get this straight," Nabiki
commented, "Saotome-san, here, 
kidnapped you and forced you to come here?"
        "Yep. Something about fulfilling a pledge
between his family and yours. 
Problem is, I'm NOT a member of his family."
        "Then why'd he bring you here?"
        "When his son was ten, this moron wrapped him
in fish sausages and threw 
him into a pit of starving cats."
        "WHAT?!?!" exclaimed the three sisters,
including Kasumi.
        "Yes, well, he was trying to teach him a
forbidden martial arts technique 
called the neko-ken. The idiot didn't even bother
trying to find out why it was 
forbidden."
        "Umm..." asked a pale Kasumi, "Why was it
forbidden?"
        "Well..." A brief explanation of the mechanics
of the neko-ken later, 
Akane was violently retching, and Nabiki and Kasumi
looked more than a little 
queasy.

@@It would be nice to let the reader in on more of
these "few" and "brief" explanations.
SHOW, don't tell. Again, this is very static and not
very informative.
@@@@@

        "Anyway," continued Ranma, "a kind lady came
by Ranma while he was in his 
feral state. She knew of the neko-ken, and was... more
than a little upset at 
Genma."
        "I can see why," remarked Akane, between
retches.
        "Yes, well, she convinced her father to adopt
young Ranma, and, well, here 
I am."
        "So," Nabiki returned, "you USED to be his
son?"
        "In essence, yes. I've legally renounced the
Saotome name, and as far as 
the world is concerned, Saotome Ranma died in that
pit."


@@WHAT!!!!

OK, willing suspension of disbelief just went out the
window. You're going to have to put in a LOT more
detail to make this believable to me.
An elderly woman adopts a young boy with severe
psychological problems? Ranma is Genma's meal ticket
in old age. This is pretty standard in Japan and China
even now. And there are some interesting problems
arising in Japan because it's got the oldest
population of any country in the world. But Genma just
gives up his son for adoption? 

What's in it for him?
What's in it for the old lady? 

You're moving much too fast with absolutely NO story
development to make this believable for the reader. Or
at least this reader. This is a VERY interesting part
of the story and I want to see more. ^_O
@@@@@





        Nabiki sighed in comprehension. "And Genma
doesn't care about that."
        "Bingo."
        "So how'd he force you to come here?"
        Ranma pointed to the bracer on his left wrist.
        "This is the Manacle of Hades. It's an ancient
magical artifact which was 
designed to bind the gods. While I know some magic,
I'm not powerful enough to 
resist it."
        "You seriously expect us to believe that?"
        "Hey, my sister cursed Genma to turn into a
panda. If that isn't enough 
proof that magic exists, I don't know what is."
        "Good point," Nabiki acknowledged.
        "Why don't you just take it off?" Kasumi
asked.
        "The magic won't let me. I can't take it off
unless the one who put it on 
my wrist, namely Genma, gives me permission."
        Kasumi smiled and made an offer. "Would you
like me to?"
        "You can't, Kasumi, but thanks. The magic only
allows me or the one who 
put it on me to remove it."


@@what? Where did THIS come from? What bracers?
Another VERY interesting story that you haven't told
us. (darn it)
And didn't you just say earlier that only "the one who
put it on my wrist" could take it off? And now you're
saying "The magic only allows me or the one who put it
on me to remove it."???

That appears contradictory. (or maybe I'm just slow.
wouldn't be the first time for that, either. ^_~)
@@@@

        "Are there any limits to its power?" asked
Nabiki.
        "Yes," Ranma replied, "The bracer prevents the
wearer from attacking the 
one who put it on him, and forces them to obey three
commands. Genma's already 
used his."
        "If you don't mind..."
        "Of course. The first was to 'come with' him."
        "So that's why you're here."
        "Yep," Ranma replied, "the second was to not
ask my family for help, or 
even to contact them. They'd be able to rescue me, and
ARE aware of my 
situation, but they can't do anything without me
asking... it's sort of a catch-
22."
        "I can see that. And the third?"
        "I'm not allowed to tell you just who my
family is."
        "Why would he waste a command like that?"
        "I can't tell you. I'll try dropping hints,
though. Please, if you can 
figure it out... it'll be a great help."


@Now THIS is an interesting bit.  But to just drop all
this stuff on the reader (me) w/o no warning, no
explanation . . .it's just too much.

	I'm very detail oriented and I just HAVE to have a
more gradual build up. Otherwise I get dizzy and have
to go lie down in a dark room for a while. ^_O

Frankly I'd like to see a LOT more build up to this.
Show Ranma in the cat-pit, the adoption . . .show him
HAPPY, then take it all away from him. Show WHY Genma
went along with the adoption and showing him taking
Ranma away from his new family.

       <SNIP>

Overall: Lack of development of plot points
and uber-powered Ranma (also w/o proper development)
removes all dramatic tension. Story is extremely
static, too much tell and not enough SHOW.

Now for the GOOD points.
Actually there are quie aa lot of them. The only real
problem is that you move too fast. I want more detail.
You've got a really good idea with Genma basically
holding Ranma prisoner and the Tendou sisters have to
figure out how to free him. Some nice descriptive
passages and the dialogue flows fairly smoothly.

BUT . . . you're glossing over the good stuff. SHOW
Ranma in the early stages. SHOW Genma putting the
bracer on him, make us feel Ranam's rage and
helplessness, his attempts to escape. Let the reader
see at least some of this unfold so we can empathize
with the characters.

If the �old lady' is a goddess, as I suspect, then
show us this adoption. Show Ranma in the cat pit, show
the rescue and a bit of him with his new �family'.
Show the happy times with the new family so that when
Genma takes it all away the reader will FEEL the
sadness. Of Ranma and his family. You've got a lot of
potential here, but you're glossing over the best
parts and removing the dramatic tension. I, for one,
want to see Ranma struggling to overcome his problems.
This is too easy for Ranma and all concerned. (I
skimmed over the rest. The Kuno fight/transformation
to girl is an example. It's all too easy for Ranma so
far, other than a little fainting) And the reader (me)
really doesn't get an idea of what the characters are
feeling. 

This is ONLY my opinion and for every reader who feels
the way I do, there will be five who love it just the
way it is. The most important thing is do YOU like the
story? Enjoy writing. Write what you want, the way you
want and don't pay too much attention to me or other
reviewers. IF and ONLY if you should happen to agree
with me, should you take notice. Otherwise, hit the
delete button and go back to more important things.
Like chapter 3 of the story. ^_^

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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