Troy Thomas wrote:
I must have a lot of free time, releasing two stories, almost at
once to the FFML. The truth is more boring than that actually, but I
won't try to change any ideas with reason. Enjoy.
^_^
Troy Thomas
Righty-o.
Check out my writings webpage. Find my stuff. ^_^
http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/fanfiction/entrance.html
I hate my e-mail signature, because it's not long enough to say
anythin
As always, feel free to ignore me. Most people do, and probably so
should you.
His footsteps walked ahead, an echo.
How do his footsteps preceed him? Or did you mean that the sound of
the footfalls echoed ahead of him?
The cave's darkness was incredible, surrounding and hiding
him.
His heart rapidly beat. He traced the wall with his hand. He
prodded his steps, hoping not to step in any holes, large and
small.
He, his, repetition.
The darkness wasn't terrifying with dread, but with promise.
Primal fear is simple.
Fear of failure is worse, for true failure is a fall into a
different and inescapable darkness.
However, the fear wasn't his, but the feeling of the cave.
That's a nice section. Could use
The wall seem to smooth out, Tenchi noticed. It began as a
wall built of dirt, but the further into the cave he walked,
the smoother the wall.
wall. -- wall became. (suggested)
He felt a metallic cold under his fingers.
Feels stilted.
'I wish I could see what it is,' he thought.
He smelled something. 'This smells like the water at the
tree...'
Might want to either combine those two lines into a single paragraph,
or insert some kind of time-indicator between them.
Continuing on, he walked into a wall. "Ow, damn it!"
Heh!
"What is that?" he wondered aloud.
Walking towards the light, his hand still tracing the wall,
the other ahead to catch any hidden walls in front, Tenchi
then found himself staring at a door in the wall.
his hand -- one hand (suggested)
Light escaped through the cracks, as though barely contained
inside.
A little stilted.
In the door's middle was a sword, impaled through it,
surprising due to the wall's build: stone.
Might want to explain the size of the door. :p
"This can't be what I came in here for..." he mentioned,
touching the sword's hilt.
'mentioned' sounds oddly casual, given the setting.
The blade of the sword crumbled into dust a moment after
Tenchi lifted his touch from the hilt, causing the hilt to
collapse to the ground with a clanging sound, which echoed
through the cave behind him.
"Junk..." Tenchi picked the hilt up, but suddenly directed
his gaze at the outlines of the door, which shook with a
terrible ferocity.
Repetition, 'hilt'.
A moment later, with the end of the dust's flight, Tenchi
looked at nothing, when he was expecting to see the door.
"Did the door... Was that what the door became? Dust?" he
asked himself.
Hmm.
Beyond the door frame, lay, lived a setting he never could
believe unless seeing with his own eyes.
lay, lived -- sat (?)
unless seeing -- until he saw it -- had he not seen it (?)
To his surprise, he slowly walked un-minding-ly forward
through the water, a desire to see closer the girl, whose
sky-blue hair was of notice.
un-minding-ly -- unmindfully
This sentence is a bit stilted -- you might want to reword it.
The closer he stepped, the fuller she seemed.
Of life...
Of dread...
Interesting.
He studied her face, when he could see it. 'She can't be a
demon.'
The cave's feeling seemed so terrible. 'But it can't be her,
who's terrible.'
He stood at the sphere, beneath it.
This part is a little disjointed. Might want to explain where he's
standing beneath the sphere a little more clearly.
Perhaps, the hope's purpose, the hate would heal, the despair
would change itself, and the anger subside.
Beautiful.
Tenchi blinked away the memories, distorted and confusing,
and screamed in pain when he felt his hand crushed.
"Who do we have here?" the girl asked, having been the one
who grabbed Tenchi's hand, water flying away from around her
as though it were a broken casing, a cast away cell. She
pulled him close, to her face, and she growled, "Who are
you?"
The way that you lead into the girl grabbing his hand doesn't work
quite as well. You might want to reword that.
"Masaki, what is a Masaki?" Her face contorted from anger to
disassociation. "Whatever!" The girl tossed Tenchi away into
the water. She frowned at him. "Where's Yosho?"
Interesting that the Tenchi-ken doesn't protect him.
"He dead! He's been dead for thousands of years!" Tenchi
shouted, hoping to make the girl understand.
Well, only hundreds, really.
Tenchi pulled out from underneath his bottom the hilt he
earlier grabbed. He thought a moment, 'She wants this? But
it's a piece of junk!' He looked at it a while, and decided
its worth still horrible. "No," he decided.
earlier grabbed -- grabbed earlier
decided its -- decided it was
Repetition, 'decided'.
"No?" The girl laughed, and then extended her hand. A sword
appeared in it.
'A sword appeared in it.' lacks impact. Might want to reword it a
little to be more intense. This is an important scene, and worthy of
that added weight.
The girl frowned, and then floated down to Tenchi. She
grabbed him by the cuff of his shirt. "Are you trying to
plays tricks? That's not nice!" She pulled Tenchi right face
to face. "You don't want to be nice and hand me the sword?
Then I'll just have to show you what happens to people who
don't listen to what's good for them!" She looked up.
plays tricks -- play tricks
He saw the stars, everywhere in the heavens, hidden by
nothing. He looked around, seeing below the mountain ablaze,
further below the ground, cold and hard.
The mountain's on fire?
Again, he opened his eyes, only to see the ground speeding
close below. He didn't think, but it stuck him as a good idea
to kick the girl.
Worded awkwardly.
His legs hanging over a boat side, Tenchi quickly collected
his senses before looking at the person he just hit.
"You're... you're my homeroom teacher!" he said, relieved.
Masamichi Fujusawa! Fujisawa-sensei is the MAN. If anyone can help
Tenchi out, it'd be him.
The teacher began to row the boat. "I'll drive you home, once
we get back to shore."
Aww.... Not Fujisawa. Pity.
"Ah, it's been so long since I've seen you're dad and
grandfather..." the teacher said, between strokes. "I'd
really enjoy a chance to speak with them before you move off
to Tokyo."
you're -- your
What's so important about a junky old sword?
What's -- what was
The bath water running, Tenchi looked in the mirror, hoping
to find something, or nothing, as a trace of the former
night.
Stilted.
'Damn! It's all real then!' He wasn't totally upset though,
with a feeling of relief deep down in his heart, somewhere,
trying to overcome his fear. 'She was pretty cute, at least,'
he thought, purposely substituting the word cute for sexy
Missing end punctuation.
"Your grandfather tells me you sneaked off to say goodbye to
some girl in town last night, Tenchi!" Noboyuki's face beamed
with delight. "I remember your teacher carrying you in,
soaking wet. Guess she didn't take the news of you leaving
too well, huh?"
Why was she on the lake, anyway?
"Okay." Tenchi swallowed the egg, which seemed a sort of
plastic, after only a bite. He prodded the rice, which was
pretty damp and sticky. 'Oh my,' he thought, a sort of
sinking feeling growing in his stomach, which he assumed was
the egg.
Hm. I have to wonder at the relevance.
Drat. eal-life intervenes. I'll have to finish this later.
The town mall food, Tenchi decided, was fine enough. He sat
down, Chinese food on a plate sitting on the table before
him, invited him to eat, tempted him even.
This passage is a bit stilted.
Repetition, 'food', 'sit'.
Tenchi slowly placed the food in his mouth, and then placed
his chopsticks on the plate. He picked the plate up, and then
began walking away from the table.
Repetition, 'plate', 'placed'.
This paragraph is a little confusing.
"Teleportation, kid, it's the way of the future." She grabbed
his food, and placed it on a table. Pulling Tenchi close, she
whispered, "I want the sword, now."
Tenchi: How does it feel to want?
To the girl's bewilderment, the boy began to make motions
towards his right. She looked, and saw the food. "Go ahead,"
she said, a bit annoyed.
Heh.
In his eye's corner, he noticed a brief lapse of attention in
the girl's stance. Taking the moment, he kicked the girl, and
then grabbed his bokken.
In his eye's corner -- From the corner of his eye (?)
Taking off in a run towards the mall, Tenchi heard behind him
a scream, which contained an embarrassed rage. 'Man, she's
really mad now, isn't she?'
Probably.
Tenchi jumped over top a store counter, which the girl sliced
in half with the sword Tenchi remembered seeing in her hand
the previous night. 'Is it made of energy or something?' he
idly wondered, before dodging another slice, which cut in
half the store manniquen he had been hiding behind.
Now is not the time for idle thoughts.
"Oh man! Who the heck are you?" Tenchi shouted, when out of
range of the girl.
Ryouko: "Inferno, baby!"
Tenchi watched it a moment, and then surmised it wasn't a
nice ball of energy.
Running as fast as possible down the empty mall corridor,
Tenchi was suddenly caught in an explosion, which propelled
him into a flight into a wall.
*snicker* That's kinda catchy, but you still might want to reword
that a bit.
'She's not a girl,' Tenchi thought.
What is she, then?
Tenchi jumped up...
Against a wall, Tenchi jumped aside to avoid a downward
slash. However, the energy exploded outward from the wall,
causing him to fly out of control into a garbage can.
Jumped from the middle of another jump? How?
'Use the sword?' Tenchi wondered. He stood , and then fell
back against a wall. He raised the useless hilt. "What's so
special about this stupid thing?"
Again against the wall?
It was almost natural, he realised afterwards. The pirate
slashed, and he deflected it with the sword. Of course, he
wasn't thinking when he cut the pirate's hand off in a second
stroke, which he was taught to do in matches, oddly.
"Oh... no!" he cried out in alarm.
Reflexive, eh?
"I know, but I... don't know!" The grip around Tenchi's
collar weakened. "My dreams are so mixed up..." Ryouko looked
on Tenchi's face for truly the first time. Letting him go,
she continued to look at and through his face, around his
expression, mentally caressing his eyes. "You're a dream?"
O_o?
"I had so many, and nightmares..." The pirate began to sink
into the floor, disappearing from Tenchi's sight.
"Ryouko?" Tenchi asked.
Interesting. Did no-one notice this battle, though?
Sitting silently, Ranma brought his hands behind his head.
"And this Ryouko's somewhere out there? She followed you?" He
said, his voice calm, "We're dealing with aliens, who can do
weird and crazy things, like fly." He put a hand to chin.
"How do we beat that?"
Goku: Good question!
Falling...
Into a sleep, and into tomorrow.
Nice. Very nice.
The pacing is a little awkward, and you tend towards the more surreal
(which I actually like) but generally, I think this is a very good
piece with a lot of promise.
End Chapter Eight