Hi there!  We're both responding to this, so read on, I'm sure you'll figure
it out.  :)

And thanks for the C&C!!!!

  Ah!  Fresh meat for the grinder... ;)

  Seriously, though, I'm tackling a C&C of this piece for several
  reasons.  First, I've got a soft spot for original works, especially
  well-written ones, -especially- ones that actually tell a story,
  rather than blatantly act as a medium for an author avatar.

  Second, I'm trying to get back into the fanfic groove, and my
  tolerance for Yet Another Ranma Fic is at an all-time low still...
  and I don't know enough about many other series, so I'm kinda stuck
  giving C&C on other work.

  And finally, I'm a bit pissy today, and feel like tearing something
  apart.  Since that would be a Bad Thing to do, I'm going to try and
  redirect my destructive impulses into something creative.  Try being
  the operative word.

  As always, everything herein is My Opinion Only, and you're free to
  ignore it as you please.  Also realize that, while I may be blunt
  from time to time, I don't bother C&C'ing work that I don't either
  like or see potential in.

  (in other words, this isn't an attack, it's just blunt. ;)

Lance:  Actually, We're looking for honest hard hitting C&C.  If you pull
your punches, how are we supposed to make it better?

Jenny:  We want to publish this, have actually looked into it.  We NEED
people like you! (and ewill thank you liberally in our authors' notes <eg>)

At Thursday, January 17, 2002 11:43:12 AM, lsmcgill@hotmail.com wrote:

Book One: Fallen Angels

  Is this Book One, or Chapter One?  Seems rather short to be called a
  Book...

She closed the door to the apartment in which she had lived all her life

and

sighed. The door locked with a click that echoed in her ears with a

finality

that bespoke doom. She picked up the single bag that carried all the
possessions she owned after a lifetime of service, a life now fallen

into

ruin, and walked down the brightly lit hall to the elevator. She pressed

the

button, and almost instantly, the doors opened. She stepped inside the

roomy

interior, ignoring the cheerful voices of the choruses coming through

the

speakers as the elevator descended. Today, the usually upbeat music

seemed a

false promise of heaven.

  She wondered where it came from.  She thought, "Maybe next door?"
  She realized she was hungry.  She opened the fridge, then she...

  Anyway.  Do you see my point?

  Four of the six sentences in the above paragraph (unless my count is
  off) begin with 'she'.  I suggest finding some other way to word
  this.

Lance:  Noted, and revised.

As the elevator descended, she looked at herself in the mirrored walls,
glumly noting the redness of her eyes from crying, the disheveled mass

of

her flaming red hair. She pushed her glasses back up her pert nose, the

gold

frames settling back in front of her eyes where the oval lenses of pink
glass hid some of the redness. Better perhaps to take them off and not

be

able to see the world she was leaving behind, but she hated her
nearsightedness without them too much.

  Right about here I was figuring this was a suicide-in-development,
  thus begetting at least part of the 'Adult Content and Themes'
  disclaimer above.  Glad to see I was wrong. :)

Lance: :)

The doors opened out to the enormous lobby and she walked across the

vast,

echoing room to the front doors. She stepped out into the eternal

sunshine,

the bright sunlight seeming dimmer, though she was the only one who

seemed

to notice. She flagged down a taxi, watching as it turned to retrieve

her.

The golden chariot dipped down to the street, the hooves of the Pegasus
pulling it chiming on the cool metal of the gold surface. The gorgeous

blond

Adonis driving the taxi leaned down to help her up.

"Where to, miss?' he asked, the musical sound of his voice grating on

her

  ... and right about here, I nearly gave up.

  You NEED to send out these things in plain, old-fashioned,
  no-frills, unadorned ASCII text.  You've got the styled quotes above
  (I'd reproduce them, but my mailer doesn't support 'em -- I had to
  open some of this in Word to figure out what they were) and in other
  places you've got an ellipsis character instead of an ellipsis
  (...)

  This Will Not Do.

  Many people on the 'net at large, and on the FFML in particular,
  dislike any form of formatted text.  We prefer our text in
  caveman-era ASCII, thankyouverymuch, and (in my case, at least) are
  likely to just trash something if it's filled with strange
  heiroglyphics rather than readable text.

Lance:  *sigh*  That unfortunately is the fault of Word XP.  It appearently
replaces normal " with "Smart" "'s.  And it auto fixes ellipsises to the
characters.  For some strange reason, it's only noticable in emails.  When
submitted to FFN or any of the other places we posted, it shows normally.

ears.

"Pearly Gates Complex," she answered.

As the taxi transported her to her destination, she sourly reflected on

the

overdose of pleasantness that was part of her daily life. Rather... had

been a

part of her daily life. Bright, eternal sunlight, unvarying temperature,
sweet scented breezes, and angelic choruses, Heaven was everything one

could

want, and more...

Unless you wanted something forbidden.

  Hmm... kinky angel?  Could have possibilities... ;)

Lance:  I think we deal with that later on... ;)

[snip]

The clerk eyed the pink paper emotionlessly. "Name?"

"Harteriel Serefina, Seraphim first class,"

  In Nomine?

Lance:  No, Typo.  It's supposed to be Virtue first class.  In traditional
religon, not In Nomine, there are nine tiers of angels.  Virtues are one of
them, just above Dominions, but below Powers.

"In the first hierarchy he places the Seraphim, Cherubim, and Thrones; in
the second, the Dominations, Virtues, and Powers; in the third, the
Principalities, Archangels, and Angels"  Catholic Encyclopieda.

This makes Heart a Mid level angel, but one of the highest that deal
directly with the earth.

"Not anymore." Emotion colored his voice finally, a vicious, gleeful

tone.

He reached up and Heart felt a wrenching sensation as the golden circlet

was

pulled free and dropped with a clatter on the desk. Only the silver

circlet

of light, innate to all angels, remained hovering over her head. The

clerk

glared at it as though he wished he could take that away, too, but only
Heart could choose to remove it, and a glance into her eyes confirmed

her

unwillingness to do so. The clerk changed tactics.

"This is the Exiles' Gate, girl. You come here, you don't work in Heaven
anymore!" he crowed licentiously, a nasty smile on his face.

"I know," Heart said, the jibe hitting home and chilling her all the

more.

"I don't think you do," the clerk laughed, enjoying the opportunity to

rub

the salt in. "You fucked up, girl."

  So, is he an angel or a demon?  Or is it not that clear-cut?

Lance:  It's not that clear cut.

[snip]

She turned to the store behind her, not noticing the strange look she

was

getting from the owner of the flower shop next door. Her eyes sought out

the

sign along the music store's weathered fa�ade, which proudly proclaimed

its

name to be Celestial Sounds. The windows were covered with an assortment

of

garish music posters, among which two stood out most prominently. Many
passersby had noted the irony of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"

poster

being right next to AC/DC's "Highway to Hell," but only a few knew the
truth.

  *snrk!*  Okay, you scored a point.  *wipes Coke off monitor*

Lance:  Hehehehe.

Jenny:   YESSSSSS!

She stepped forward to place a hand on the poster of the golden stair,

but

only smooth glass met her hand. She collapsed in tears, falling to her

knees

at the base of the wall.

"Well, well, what have we here?" a cruel voice asked.

"Why, it's a little slut, so eager to get fucked, she couldn't wait for

us

to strip her," another voice laughed.

She looked around, her sight blurred with tears. Six men surrounded her,
dressed like a gang of typical punks; but they wavered in her vision,
looking one moment like a group of deliberately-bald teenagers from a

neo-

Nazi gang, then shifting into the semblance of lower-level demons. She
pressed her back to the wall behind her, fumbling through her bag,

hoping,

praying they hadn't taken it...

  Taken what?  Her Holy Howitzer?  An aerosol can of Demon-B-Gon?  The
  Cross?  A battery-operated Super Soaker 3500XPZ-M filled with holy
  water?  A prayer stick?  A blessed nine-iron?  What?

Lance: Humm... part of the mystery.  You don't find out till later, but we
may change that

Jenny:  Hm... but who should weild the Holy Howitzer?  <eg>

[snip]

In a squeal of tortured rubber, a midnight-black Corvette convertible
fishtailed around the corner of the alley and braked, the headlights
illuminating the shadowed corridor. A blur launched from the car into

the

air, then flipped before slamming into the concrete, shattering it. The
demons froze in shock at the sight before them, but Heart sighed with
relief.

  An angel of Love named Heart.  Aww.  Someone pass me the insulin,
  would ya? ;)

Lance:  Well, we're weren't going to call her Harteriel the entire story. :)

An Amazonian woman crouched before them, her feet buried to the ankles

in

the shattered cement. One hand was also buried in a third hole, her

fingers

puncturing the pseudo-rock as though it were clay. Long legs met under a
short black leather mini, and the skintight halter-top barely contained
oversized breasts. Her violet eyes blazed out of a heart-shaped face

under a

long, white pageboy haircut, and a slight smile graced her lips. Her

free

right hand held an axe-bladed trident. For a long moment, no one moved.

Then

she spoke in a warm contralto that carried more menace than the gravelly
voices of the demons.

  I'm having a really hard time picturing an axe-bladed trident.  I
  don't know if it's just me, though.

Lance:  Revised and expanded the description.

"Care to try someone your own size?" A wicked grin revealed inch-long
canines.

For a second, the leader seemed nonplussed, but then he grinned again.

"How

sweet, twice the meat!" He motioned to the two closest to the strange
newcomer. "Get her!"

  Obviously he doesn't remember what happened when Ray said that...

Lance: ;)

The two demons separated to come at her from both sides, but the

stranger

didn't move. As they aligned on either side and began to rush her, she
shrugged.

With blinding speed and the power of a piledriver, bat wings caught the

two

demons and slammed them into the walls on either side, crushing the

bricks

nearly a foot and a half back and turning the pair into mangled

carcasses.

The leader blinked in shock at the altered appearance of his foe. Two

purple

horns just poked through the sides of her bangs, and her skirt had been
pushed up far beyond the bounds of modesty by a muscular tail that ended

in

a large spaded tip. Delicate points had appeared on her ears, while her

legs

now terminated in an elongated foot that suggested hooves. The hand

holding

the axe-bladed trident had five-inch nails of the same purple as her

horns.

Violet light burned around her weapon, wisps of glowing vapor rising

like

smoke. Her wings completely spanned the wide alley.

  I've gotta give you points for nifty-looking, um, monsters? ... but
  there's one problem: how, exactly, does one hold onto something when
  one has *five-inch* nails?

  I mean, if they're as sharp as you describe, when she closed her
  fist around the trident she'd stab herself in the palm of her hand,
  or the wrist at the very least.

Lance:  Figuring the shaft of a typical pole arm is about an inch and a half
thick, her hand's not going to close that fully.  And you live with five
inch nails for a couple of hundred years.  She's used to them.  :P

I can probably scan you a picture showing you how she holds it and send it
to you.

Jenny:  Although, "claws" would kind of explain it well, too.

"What the fuck!" Surprise was evident in his gravelly voice. "You're a
goddamned succubus?"

"Let her go," she commanded, and ice was warmer than that eerie tone.

  Very nice wording.  I may have to steal that line sometime. :)

"Mephistopheles will have your horns for this, bitch! You're interfering
with a sanctioned operation!"

"If you don't let her go, I plan to do more than interfere." The violet

glow

around the trident's head grew larger, brighter.

"Fuck this," The leader nodded at the two holding Heart. "Kill this

bitch."

  Should be:

  "Fuck this."  The leader nodded ...

  (he didn't -nod- "Fuck this."  He -said- it, then nodded.  See the
  difference?)

Lance:  That's my fault.  Jenny curses how poorly I puncuate quotes.
Substandard Florida Education.  :P

Jenny:  %^&*%^^&$^&$^*%#$%^$  ;)

The two large demons grinned and moved toward the succubus, drawing

long,

curved swords out of their long coats. The last demon drew out a 9mm.

The two swordsmen charged as the succubus launched herself upwards,
revealing that she did, indeed, have a pair of sharp hooves. Her double-
ended trident swung in a tight circle as she deflected three bullets and
landed between the swordsmen and the gunman. Her trident intercepted the
gunman's wrist as he tried to re-aim; his hand flying away with the gun
still in it. He jumped back with a shout of pain and shock as the two

  That second-to-last sentence should be written as so:

  Her trident intercepted the gunman's wrist as he tried to re-aim;
  his hand flew away with the gun still in it.

  The reason is, a semi-colon divides two sentences that are closely
  related.  Thus, among other things, they need to be the same tense
  (present-present, past-past, whatever).  In this case, you were
  mixing tenses, and it makes the flow 'stumble', for lack of a better
  term.

  Or I suppose you could say:

  ... tried to re-aim; his hand was sent flying away with the gun
  still in it.

  That might flow better.

Lance:  Went with Ookla's suggestion of the comma.

swordsmen swung.

Heart cried out in fear, the leader's arm choked tight around her

throat.

But the succubus caught the swords with either end of her trident and

spun,

throwing the two demons in opposite directions as the gunman came up

behind

her with a large knife...

  Hmm... somehow I missed this, but her trident has -two- ends?  As
  in, blades/points at both ends of a pole?

  Interesting.  But you may need to describe it better, somewhere
  before this paragraph.

Lance:  I did.

Jenny:  Obviously not very memorably, though.  Thanks for the tip.

...Then he was looking down in disbelief at the spaded tail that had
penetrated his ribcage. The succubus pulled her tail free and made two
passes with her trident, the larger of the two ends separating first the
head, then the upper and lower torso, sending them flying in all

directions.

  It slices!  It dices!  It turns bad guys into mush!  Order during
  this special TV offer and recieve the Chop-O-Matic for half-off!

  ;)

Lance:  And you can get one know for the low low price of your soul!

Jenny:  How the hell am I supposed to top THAT?

The larger of the two swordsmen charged her from the rear. She reached

up

with her wings, their powerful thumbs latching on to an overhead fire

escape

as she launched herself into a backwards kick. Her sharp hooves smashed

off

the top of the demon's skull as he vainly tried to swing his blade at a
target that had so suddenly gone from forward to up. His eyes rolled

into

their sockets as black blood gushed from the mangled remains of his

head.

Then the succubus landed behind him with a wing flap and gave his torso

a

diagonal permanent vacation from the rest of his body with her large

blade.

  Diagnonal permanent vacation seems awkward.  I understand what you
  mean, but you might look at finding a better way to describe it.

  Or not; it works as-is.

Lance: tried it without diagonal

The remaining demon closed warily, drawing a second sword. He assumed a
Chinese sword stance and his blades began an intricate dance as bloody

light

crawled along them. The succubus answered this with a light show of her

own

from the trident, her wings shrinking to a fraction of their normal

size.

Heart watched fearfully as the two combatants met in a spectacular

whirl,

blades flashing too fast to follow. For long seconds, the sound of steel
against steel rang in the air, then the demon's right arm, still

clutching

its sword, flew theatrically away. A still-whirling trident caught the

  I'd break that into two sentences, like so:

  For long seconds, the sound of steel against steel rang in the air.
   Then, the demon's right arm, still ...

second arm at the elbow... In a few more whirls, the demon lay in nearly

a

dozen pieces at her feet.

  And I'd drop the ellipsis, here.  You don't need it, and a simple
  period will do just fine.  In fact, the period will work better.

Lance: Okay

Heart found herself flung back down onto the trash bin, and she screamed

as

the leader pulled out a large knife and went to stab her. For a long

frozen

  While the phrase, "went to stab her" is perfectly acceptable slang
  usage, you might use "moved to stab her" instead.  He didn't -go-
  anywhere to stab her; he was already there.  He did, however, move.

  Or you could use "started", "tried", or "swung the blade" in place
  of "went", as well.

Lance: Okay

second, her eyes focussed on the dagger tip as it descended towards her
breast, then a streak of purple fire burned across her vision, and she

felt

the restraining hand ripped free.

The succubus-flung trident carried the leader nearly ten feet before

pinning

him to a brick wall. He screamed as he tried to pull the triple- bladed

  Drop the space after the dash.  Not necessary (and in fact,
  incorrect).

Lance: Fixed.

spear free.

"You goddamned slut! Bitch! Bhaalor will gut you for this!"

The succubus sauntered up to the demon as Heart's eyes followed her. She
laid her hands at the haft of the trident.

"I could care less what Bhaalor thinks." She wrenched the trident

upwards,

the axeblades shearing through brick, flesh and bone alike. The leader

fell

to the ground, his upper torso splitting wide as black blood poured in a
flood from his carcass.

Heart turned at a sudden crackle and watched as the demonic blades

flared

and burned, leaving not even scorches where they had fallen. Only the

9mm

remained, still clutched in a demonic hand. She turned wide, relieved

eyes

to her savior, who was approaching her with a smile.

"Are you okay, Heart? I'm so sorry I didn't get here faster. They didn't
hurt you, did they?"

Heart flung herself into the tall demoness's arms, her short frame

nestling

into the succubus's as she laid her head against the base of the

demoness's

chest. "No, Beloved, you arrived before they could do more than frighten
me."

  Hmm... here you've got normal straight quotes instead of the styled
  ones.  Then, below, you revert to styled.

  Not to harp, but since I forgot before, the big ones to watch out
  for are quotes, single quotes, and ellipsis... ellipsi...
  ellipsises... ah, skip it, you know what I mean.  Oh, and dashes,
  too, though it doesn't look like you have THAT problem (Word is
  notorious for it.)

Lance: *sigh* working on it.

Tension flowed out of the succubus as relief showed in her face. "I'm so
glad, Love. If they had hurt you..."

"I'm fine, Seraph, just a little shaken." Heart looked around at the

remains

of the six demons. "You handled that magnificently. You moved so
beautifully. Have I ever told you how pretty you are when you fight?"

Seraph blushed, and self-consciously pulled her skirt back down from her
hips to where it belonged. "Really?"

  Darn. ;)

Lance: :P

Jenny:  Think about this, though... she's a succubus...  ;)

Heart gave her a rib-crushing hug. "Yes! You were wonderful!"

"I just wanted to make sure you were safe, Love." She returned the hug

with

equal force, the looked down the alley, past her Corvette, and spied the
little sidewalk caf�. "Hey, let's go to that place across the street.

  Ack!  Okay, add accented characters to that list, too.

Lance: Done

Fighting makes me so hungry."

  Yeah, nothing like a major bloodbath to whet the appetite.  Anyone
  else want steak?  Extra-rare?

Lance: She's a Demon, carnage is normal.  It's the violent activity that
makes her hungry.

Jenny:  I think he got that, dear...

Heart appraised Seraph's blood-spattered state, then looked down at her

own

voluptuous figure. "Um, I'd love to, Beloved, but you're a mess, and I
haven't a thing to wear!"

Seraph looked down. "Well, um, I have a spare tube dress in the car..."

She

answered.

Heart smiled. "Then let me deal with the blood." She spoke a few musical
syllables as the blood shimmered and vanished from Seraph's form.

  So, if she can call on THAT mojo, why couldn't she, say, banish the
  demons?

  I thought she was stripped of ALL abilities...

Lance:  No, She still has her knowledge of magic, but how many people do you
know who function completely coherently after a shock like Heart had?  And
the whole point to the scene with the demons is that she has no time to
adjust, or deal with what's happened, let alone cope.  We address this in
chapter two.

Jenny:  Do you think people will be interested enough to go on to chapter 2?

Seraph giggled. "That tickled." She turned to lead the way to the car.

Heart smiled as she watched the demoness's swaying walk, then followed,

not

wanting her beloved to get too far away.

* * * * *

It had taken nearly ten minutes for the two to move the 'Vette and get

seats

  Lowercase 'v' in 'vette.

Lance: Fixed

Jenny:  Many times over...  ;)

on the sidewalk patio, but the conversation still consisted of

reassurances

that Heart was unharmed. For long seconds after the waiter left, they

simply

gazed at one another before they simultaneously spoke.

"I love you."

  It's purely a style decision, but you might consider replacing the
  period after 'spoke' with a colon.  Keep the line spacing as-is if
  you do, though; it works better that way.

Lance: Done

They both giggled. "We keep doing that," Heart noted. "I think it's
wonderful."

Seraph smiled. "I think you're wonderful." Then a look of concern

crossed

her face. "Oh, Heart, I heard what they did to you! I'm so sorry."

  "Oh, that's okay," Heart said with a negligent flip of the hand.
  "The rubber-hose beating was the worst.  It was all downhill after
  that."

Lance: But you forgot the chains and hooks they used to rip off her wings...
:p

Actually, is this just an aside, or a serious comment?

"It's not your fault, Seraph," Heart sighed. "If nothing else, at least

it

will help your job."

The demoness couldn't meet her eyes. "I know. Mephie gave me a raise and

a

promotion right before I resigned."

  ... I'm having some mental convolutions trying to imagine -anyone-
  calling Mephistopheles 'Mephie'.  It hurts the head.  Ow.

Lance:  Good.  It's supposed to.

"Then some good came... You what?!!?"

"I quit. I resigned from the Department of Corruptions."

  I first read that as 'corrections', then realized that, y'know,
  there -might- not be much difference...

Lance:  Our point exactly.


Jenny:  Ah, satire...

"But Seraph, you showed me how necessary your job is to the balance of
nature! You make so many people happy, and you don't have to hurt a

single

soul doing it!"

'Yeah, and then they go to Hell because I damned them with lust... and

causing

  Well, if ya gotta go... ;)

[snip]

Heart was silent for a moment, pain in her eyes. Then she spoke with a

voice

that was alien and cold, even to her. "Theliel said I have no concept of
what true love is." She shrugged. "You'd think if anyone would have
understood about us, it would be the angel who holds the office of

Cupid."

She looked into Seraph's agonized face. "But he seemed to get violently
angry about it. He wouldn't even listen to me, just called me a whore

and

threw me out of his office. Then, when I got home, I found my exile

papers."

  Do I sense a wee bit o' jealousy in the ranks of the divine?

Lance:  Theliel?  Jealous?  Is it that obvious?

"Oh, Heart!"

  I'm still having trouble with that name... :)

Lance:  :(  But we worked so hard trying to find the perfect name for her...

[snip]

indiscriminately, sowing only chaos and pain. In all the time I've

watched

you, I've never seen you feed without giving so much happiness in

return.

I've brought the gift of love to humans who've descended to the

depravity of

demons. How could I not give the gift of my love to a demon that has

such a

caring heart?"

  You are aware of the potential for wordplay in that last line, yes?

Lance: Who?  Us?  Nah....

[snip]

1 They ate between bouts of blissful gazing and many "I love you's,"

much of

the conversation revolving around how wonderful the other was or how

happy

each made the other, but eventually, they got around to the ultimate
question: what next?

  Typo in the first line, methinks.

Lance: Fixed

[snip]

"I love you too, but I'm serious! I had a hard enough time not throwing

you

down on that trash bin and making wild passionate love to you right

then!"

Seraph whispered fiercely. "Another kiss like that and I won't be able

to

stop from orgasming!"

  *wince*  And it was going so well, too...

  I dunno what it is, but the word 'orgasming', besides being a
  tongue-twister, is jarring.  I'd suggest just chopping the last two
  words out, like so:

  "Another kiss like that and I won't be able to stop!"

  After all, it's pretty obvious what she won't be able to stop from
  doing... ;)

Lance:  Reworded.

Jenny:  THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!  (There ARE limits, ya know...)

Heart smiled, very pleased with herself. Seraph took a few seconds to
compose herself, then drained her tea. She gave Heart a wicked look.

"You just wait till I get you in a hotel tonight, Love!"

"Promise?" Heart's canary grin grew wider.

"Damn right!" Seraph nodded. They both fell to giggling.

"I love you," they both said simultaneously, and broke out in laughter

yet

again. Then Seraph reached out a hand to grasp Heart's tightly. "We're

going

to make it, Love. I have faith."

  "Insulin to Ward Four.  Insulin, Ward Four, please."

Lance:  No!  No Insulin!  You will get diabetes! Bwahahahahahaha!!!

[snip]

"And that," he said, "was The Ghoul."

  I like him.  He's nifty. :)

Lance:  And an Original No-prize to the person who can guess who the actor
who'll play him is...  And here's a hint.  Think Soup.

* * * * *

Detective Bruce Lipton made his way across the crime scene, looking for

the

coroner. He'd always considered it ironic that he should be called The

Ghoul

when, often enough, the New York City coroners not only reveled in their
terrible duty, but also looked the part. Young or old, they all seemed

to

resemble the Tall Man from Phantasm.

However, the coroner for this particular scene was the exception that

proves

the rule. Terry Shaw was a vivacious blonde who looked like she'd

stepped

right out of a porno movie, but whose intelligence should have been

honed by

the Ivy League. Lipton had always thought she was wasted among the dead.

She

was far too alive.

  Don't know if you've seen it or not, but I can't help but think of
  the coroner from _Men In Black_ here... :)

Lance: Humm... yes. Have seen MIB.  Terry's perkier.  And Blonde ;>

He waited a few moments until she noticed him, then she bounced up.

  *boing!* (oing-oing-ing-ng)

Lance:  Cool sound effect.  But it would interfere with the flow of the
story.

"Bruce!" she said, her voice a cheery contrast to the grisly atmosphere

of

the alley. "I'm so glad you could make it so quickly!"

Surveying the carnage, Lipton replied, "Yeah, this is one of those cases
alright." Turning to face Shaw, he asked, "Ok Terry. Whatcha got?"

  "Okay, Terry.  Whatcha got?" would be the correct way to write it.
  Commas before proper names, and 'okay' is the word -- 'ok' is not.

"Humph! Tell me you don't love this." She reached down into the tangle

of

body parts she'd been studying and withdrew a hand and lower arm. She

wiped

the severed end with a blood soaked cloth to reveal the bone as she
explained. "Whatever our perp used was very sharp. Cut through both

bones

like they were melted butter. No grooves, chips or marks, just one clean
sweep. And it was apparently hot enough to cauterize the cut without

searing

the surrounding tissue." She turned bright eyes on Lipton. "Any idea

what

kind of weapon would have done something like that, outside of a medical
laser?"

  "Why, a demon-blade would, of course... ah, never mind..."

Lance: ;)

Lipton didn't answer, though he could have. He'd seen weapons that did

that

before, not that Terry would believe him if he told her.

She looked at a black smudge on the hand, then dusted some of on her

finger.

She smelled it, and then tasted it. Lipton winced.

  Umm... yeaaah.  Okkaaay...

  Sorry, that one stretches the bounds of unbelievability.  In the day
  of AIDS and five-billion-and-one other diseases floating around out
  there, I can't see a coroner doing this.  Sniffing it, maybe.
  Tasting it, no way.

  I've studied a police crime scene handbook.  It specifically states,
  in cases involving drugs, at least, that tasting any substance is a
  big no-no and will land the person doing it in hot water,
  big-time... despite what they show you on TV.  I would imagine that
  this is the ruling in all cases -- and in fact, just how stupid
  would one have to be to risk putting an unknown substance from a
  -crime scene- into one's mouth?

  You don't mention it, but I assume she's wearing surgical gloves,
  too...?

  Anyway.  Yes, it has an effect.  Yes, it's probably the one you want
  -- tough lady, unfazed by death, bright, chipper, and really really
  disturbing -- but at the same time it's so unrealistic that it might
  not fly.

  Up to you.  I can ignore the little voice in my head saying "NO
  WAY!", but the less I hear him, the more I tend to like stuff. :)

Lance: Point taken, under revision.


Jenny:  Oops, my bad!

Didn't she see what she was holding? Scratch that. He knew better from

long

experience.

Terry spit the substance out. "Gunpowder."

No, Lipton mentally corrected. Brimstone...

  Couldn't it have been gunpowder?  After all, one of them -- was it
  this one? -- was firing a pistol.

  (of course, this ignores the fact that three shots from an ordinary
  pistol won't leave visible streaks on your hand... black-powder
  pistols, maybe; I've never fired one.  But ordinary ones?  Naah.)

Lance:  Of course it could be, but that's not what Lipton's first conclusion
would be.  He's a little obsessive...

Jenny:  We actually had a long discussion about this one, though.  :)

[snip]

Behind him, Terry looked down at the strange pothole Lipton had been

staring

at. For a second, she stared in confusion, then her eyes widened. She
reached out and grabbed a passing technician. Pointing to the holes, she
said "Get a plaster team over here at once."

  Heh.  Does the Obliviousness Effect extend to physical evidence
  left behind?  If not, those techs are in for some surprises... :)

Lance:  Hehehehe... read Chapter two.

[snip]

Back in the flower shop, Mrs. Loggiabrazzia watched the frustrated
detective, then, satisfied that everyone was done asking her questions,

she

went to make herself a cup of coffee. As she passed the open door to the
ally, she looked out at the evidence team pouring plaster into the holes

in

the pavement and shook her head.

  Misspelling.  'ally' should be 'alley'.

Lance: Fixed

Jenny:  Damn, missed one. :)

"When Lucifer saves an angel from his own demons, you know there's going

to

be trouble."

  Nice.  Very nice.

  Okay.  I like this piece.  I wanna see more of it.  My complaints
  are few, and mostly non-important.  Great work!

  So, um... when's the next one coming? ;)

Lance: Well, part two of chapter one is up, and chapter two will likely
follow soon.  Thanks for the C&C.

Jenny:  Lots of errors in the end of the second part of chapter one, though,
didn't get to edit it (oh well).  Hopefully I'll have Chapter 2 done for
publication by the end of the week.  I am so glad so many people liked this!
LS and I worked very hard on plotting the universe and we're glad you
appreciate it.

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