Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C received]Curse of the Banshee
From: allyn yonge
Date: 1/19/2002, 12:46 PM
To: Jennifer Poulos , ffml@anifics.com



Hi,
Let me make _myself_ clear. ^_*
C&C is ONLY someone's opinion. ONLY if you agree with
what the C&Cer has said, should you make changes. This
is YOUR story, write what and how you want to.

Moving to some more specific items; IMO it's not the
number of �fandoms' per se, but the amount of story
written, w/o actually moving the story very far.
Otherwise known as spinning your wheels. ^_* And many
of the characters introduced don't actually seem to
have any purpose. They're just . . .there. Or, what
they do could be done more reasonably by some other
character.  This segues smoothly into the comment that
it seems redundant to have two "Magical Girl" series
and two "Martial Arts" series. 

What can Jade do that Akane (or Ranma or Ryouga or . .
.) CAN'T do? 
What can Sakura do that SM or Mercury or . . .CAN'T
do?
(Or verse visa?)

I'm not saying that you should NOT have these
different �fandoms',  only that you have not shown the
reader (me ^_^) just what these various people are
going to do. And why. Again, this seems mostly a
problem of TIMING. Two chapters, and you still haven't
gotten to the good stuff yet. 

The more characters you have, the more difficult it
can be to develop each of them to the fullest. It CAN
be done, it's just harder. It's much simpler to deal
with one or two main characters (Good Guy and Bad Guy)
and three or four reasonably well developed supporting
characters. So far you've got Jade, Zhu, Kodachi,
Mars, Sakura, Tomoyo and Mei Ling as what appear to me
to be main characters, plus several more minor?
characters that may become main characters.  This is
NOT impossible, but it does mean you're going to have
to produce more words/ character to flesh them out and
make them realistic.  Difficult, but it can be done.
Frankly you could add another half-dozen �fandoms' if
you wish. Just have them DO something. 
 			
Rather than introduce ALL your character at once,
start with one or two and thrust them into the action
quickly. Then introduce other characters AS NEEDED to
further the story.

EXAMPLE:
Mei Ling and Jade are already in Hong Kong, so that
could be the focus of Chapter 1: Jade, Mei Ling and
the mysterious Island.  Interspersed could be mention
of Ranma/SM stuff to let the reader know those
characters are involved, but this information can be
integrated into the Jade/Mei Ling story arc.

Some questions to be asked:
1) IS this CHARACTER necessary for this segment of the
story and/or the story as a whole? Or can this
particular segment be _realistically_ handled by a
character who is already on-scene?
2) Is this SCENE necessary to further the story line?
Does it provide needed character development? Further
the story line? If I CUT this scene from the story,
does is make a difference?

This is a critical writing tool . . .CUT characters
and scenes, then re-read the story. Identify the
elements you MUST have, then identify how those
elements must be presented.

Example: Do you really NEED the Kodachi scene in
Chapter 1? What does Kodachi do, at that time and
place and in that way, that is critical to the story? 
It appears she's only there to provide transportation,
and Tomoyo's mother has a lot more money than Kodachi,
as far as I can tell. 



I don't think "Sailor Moon" is the �odd fandom out',
rather I think the story hasn't progressed
sufficiently to tell, one way or the other. However, I
do think that a better match would be JCA and CCS
only. That gives you a Martial Artist and a Magical
Girl, of about the same age group and keeps your main
character to a manageable number (Jade, Sakura, Tomoyo
and the Bad Guy.) The other advantage is the disparity
in force levels providing Dramatic Tension.

 Sailor Moon is several orders of magnitude more
powerful than anyone else in any of these series. If
you add the Inner Senshi and the Ranma-verse to
provide �covering fire' while she purifies the Island
(or melts it into slag, depending on whether you're
using anime or manga versions of SM) there's not a lot
left for CCS/JCA characters to do.

To use a crude analogy:
Sakura : a light cruiser, fast and reasonably well
armed. Able to take anything in her weight range or
able to run from a heavy hitter. (She's still very
young. Her power levels will increase with age and
experience)
Tomoyo:  a support ship, slow and no arms or armor
Jade: A destroyer escort, very fast and maneuverable,
but lightly armed and armored. Not able to stand in
the line of battle, but useful for scouting and
ambushes. 

Ranma-verse: each character is a fast battleship.
Heavy hitters, but sacrifice armor for speed. (Think
"HMS Hood")


Inner Senshi: each with the power of a battle group.
Outer Senshi: each with the power of . . .can't easily
classify. Remember that Saturn destroys worlds. Also
remember that Sailor Moon is more powerful yet.
Sailor Moon: Off the scale.

The problem? WHO can you get that could stand against
all this fire-power? I can think of a couple of ways,
but the more characters involved, the more complex it
becomes.  IMO, you have an easier job creating
Dramatic Tension if you limit your Good Guys to
CCS/JCA. Their young age and lack of experience alone
puts them at a disadvantage which heightens Dramatic
Tension as these children struggle to overcome
whatever �evil' exists on the �Island'. 

OTOH, if You've got Ranma crew, what is there left for
Jade to do?  And if you bring in SM and senshi, what
is there for Sakura to do? Certainly Sakura has
abilities that are not in the senshi arsenal, but is
it enough to make up for the force disparity? Sakura
could find a niche providing specalized services,
�silence' �shadow' etc. In fact, if you left out Jade,
Sakura could provide a ground-combat/infiltration
capability with flight/jump/shadow/sword/fight, etc. 

(When I describe Sakura as �weak magic' I'm talking
about
youth, lack of experience and the fact that CCSis NOT
as combative as SM.)

IMO, the following combinations provide a good mix,
yet allow for Dramatic Tension(DT):

CCS/JCA: weakest team, most DT

SM/JCA: strong magic, weak martial arts(MA)

SM/Sakura VERY strong and versatile magic, very weak
MA

Ranma/CCS VERY strong MA, weak magic

Ranma/SM: VERY strong MA, VERY strong magic. 


Ranma/SM/CCS: Strongest martial arts and Magic combo.
Jade doesn't really add much to the mix. There's
nothing she can add that can't be done by someone else
in the Ranma-verse.

IMO, you want the _weakest_ blend of heroes to
maximize the dramatic tension, increase the struggle
the �heroes' must go through to overcome obstacles. 

By the time you get to the RanmaSM/CCS mix, the heroes
are so strong, you need a tremendously powerful
villain to make the story realistic. There are a lot
of ways to do this of course.

However, my personal preference, given the �fandoms'
you've indicated would be for CCS/JCA. This way you
can keep your BG manageable in terms of
development/believability, spend a LOT of time on
character development while providing opportunities
for character growth as they struggle to overcome
obstacles. 

This is ONLY my opinion, based on the way I write, and
the types of stories I like to read. Other readers
will disagree. Take what you find useful, ignore the
rest. ^_O




=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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