Jose Argao wrote:
Let me begin by saying that I've already done this up till chapter five. They're all available at my site. I have, however, noticed that some of you couldn't be bothered to go there. That's why I'm posting this. If you would prefer that I post the rest of the chapters as well, please let me know.
Well, I, for one, just find it easier to C&C in e-mail format. :p
As always, my advice is easily ignored, and most of the C&C I offer
is nothing more than the mad rantings of an insane man.
o/` Secret Game o/`
Disclaimer: If I owned Ranma 1/2, Ah Megamisama!, and Sailormoon, would
I be posting free fanfics on the web?
Probably not.
Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Koudansha, TV Asahi,
Toei Douga and DIC.
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, and Viz video.
Oh! My Goddess (A.K.A. Ah! Megami-sama) is the property of Fujishima
Kosuke.
"Aw, come on Rei! You aren't still mad at me are you? I didn't
mean to ruin your dress like that, but it was our anniversary and I
didn't have anything to wear! How was _I_ supposed to know that we'd
get attacked in the middle of the night? I promise to replace it after
I've saved enough money."
Eeee....
Rei rolled her eyes and got back to looking outside. A few
seconds later, Usagi fell asleep.
Heh!
Some people might have seen it as adorable, the way her head
lolled from side to side as the train she was riding went along on its
way. Others might have looked at the strange smile forming in her face
and wondered what happy dream could have been causing it.
in her face -- on her face
Rei just hoped Usagi would stop drooling on her shoulder.
Heh!
On the seats across from them, the other inner senshi wondered
what it was that Setsuna wanted this time. It wasn't like her to call
them so far from Juuban.
Suggest dropping 'this time'.
"Huh? Did you say something, Ami-chan?" Minako momentarily
stopped admiring the cute guy several seats away and tried to see
what the ice senshi was getting so excited about.
Is 'ice senshi' appropriate to her in school-girl form?
Skuld was not happy. She had been watching Ranma's life through
the Yggdrasil and so far she couldn't see anything different from the
way things were before. She should have been relieved, but she was
actually even more afraid because of it. It was her firm belief that
everything Urd does would inevitably lead to trouble, and the longer
the lag between the act and the trouble, the bigger the trouble would
turn out to be.
the Yggdrasil -- Yggdrasil
Urd does -- Urd did
She looked at Ranma's sleeping form on his futon and sighed.
She would never admit it to anyone, but she'd had a crush on him since
he was five. He was so cute then!
I'd suggest dropping 'on his futon'.
"How'd she get father to agree to that deal anyway?" Skuld
could no longer remember how many times she had asked herself that
question through the years. She knew better than to question the will
of her father, though.
father -- Father
"Oh, hello Skuld! What a pleasant surprise!" Belldandy stood
aside, waving her sister inside.
Missing speech indicator.
"I can't understand a word you're saying. Now, begin by telling
me exactly what happened." Belldandy hated the way Skuld blamed herself
for the things that Urd did to Ranma. However, there was little she, or
anyone else for that matter, could do. The two goddesses continued
talking for some time.
Whoops. A little bit of a PoV shift here, isn't it?
Ranma coughed and sputtered as a bucket of water was dumped on
him, waking him up from restful slumber. Now a she, the young martial
artist sat up suddenly and collapsed into a fit of coughing. Quickly
turning to the person who splashed him, his eyes narrowed into slits
as anger overtook his good sense.
Repetition, 'cough'.
"I heard that!" Akane's voice rang through the house as she
started moving towards the pond to inflict further punishment on her
fiance. She wasn't all that surprised to find that he had already fled
by the time she got there.
"He's probably running off to do something perverted with Ukyo
and Shampoo, the little hentai." Akane continued to grumble through
the rest of the morning.
'Maybe I should go off to Ucchan's for a while,' Ranma thought
to himself as he jumped from rooftop to rooftop. 'It's not exactly safe
to be at the Tendo's for now.'
My eyes! The goggles! They do nothing!
Seriously, though, you might want to end the scene after Akane's
grumbling, and start a new one with the above paragraph.
When Ranma had first arrived at the Tendo residence, he had
thought that he'd found a home at last. Alas, even after all the time
he's been living there, he still couldn't think of it as such. He'd
always felt so... unwelcome there, as if his engagement to Akane was
the only reason they tolerated his presence.
he's -- he'd
Well, it's no wonder he feels that way -- that IS the situation,
really. Without an engagement, there's no reason for him to be there.
"I must stop it before it's too late." Setsuna looked at her
watch to find that the other senshi would not be arriving for at least
another hour. Walking with a grace which made the small, routine action
seem beautiful, she made her way into the ice cream shop behind her.
Moving to an unoccupied booth, she sat down and prepared to wait.
Hm. Missing speech indicator.
Belldandy smiled. "Oh, I know that. Ranma is completely
shielded from our influence by Urd's contract with father. Of course,
there are ways of getting to him without having to directly affect him
in any way."
Skuld's eyes flashed with excitement, and her lips formed a
smile. "Yes, go on."
Sneaky.
Minako looked around her one more time and sure enough, Setsuna
was nowhere in sight. Ami was beside her glancing around as well and
was no more successful than her friend had been.
Stilted. Suggest revision.
"Maybe she's not here yet." Makoto spared the ice cream parlor
a cursory glance, not really expecting to find the green haired senshi
of Pluto.
Missing speech indicator. With this many characters, it's probably
better to not skip over them.
"That does not matter right now * . There are more pressing
matters that need to be discussed. Let us sit there." Setsuna gestured
to an empty booth and the girls all seated themselves, curious at what
it was that was so important.
Hmm? Should that * be there?
"Well? What's so important that you had to drag us all the way
here just to say it?" Makoto still hadn't forgotten about the strange
reading Ami got earlier, and she was itching to find out more about
them.
reading -- readings
Ranma dodged another flurry of punches from Ryoga before
feinting to the right and kicking the fanged martial artist. The blow
hit him directly on his back, the force enough to send him through a
wall and onto street outside the house whose backyard they had been
fighting in.
That last sentence is very awkward -- does the reference to the house
really need to be there?
"It's unbelievable, if I'm not mistaken, _both_ of them have
enough power to match our senshi forms! They're even stronger than the
negaverse generals but the readings indicate that they're both humans!"
Ami frantically typed on the keypad of her computer as her companions
looked at the fight in awe.
Feh. Dandelions are likely stronger than Negaverse generals.
"They're skills and strength are amazing." Rei watched slack-
jawed at both combatants as they fought to gain the advantage over the
other. The fight was close, but she thought the cute guy in the red
chinese shirt was slowly overpowering the guy with the bandanna.
They're -- their
Missing speech indicator.
"Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" Ryoga tried to block as many of
Ranma's punches as he could, but a lot of them still got through.
Dazed from the attack, he never saw the flying kick Ranma launched at
him. He paid dearly for his mistake, flying ten feet through the air
and landing roughly on the street below.
Is this based off the Ranma manga, or the TV series?
'Now's my chance!' Ranma rushed at Ryoga to take advantage of
the vulnerable state his opponent was in.
"Wow, did you see that? They were _amazing_!" Rei turned
excitedly to her friends, but got no response. Ami was still busy with
her computer, Minako and Usagi wore glassy eyed expressions on their
faces, and Makoto looked like she'd just seen a ghost. Setsuna looked
deep in thought.
Extra newline there.
"Makoto-chan, are you okay? You don't look so good." Rei waved
a hand in front of Makoto, snapping her out of her daze.
Fanboy senses... tingling!
"Sempai... I have to help him!"
Arg! Bit cliche, isn't it?
'Wait a minute, _sempai_?'
And who's thought is this, exactly?
"This is it, all or nothing."
Should this be an exclamation?
After releasing his attack, Ranma twisted his body once more
and prepared to hit Ryoga with a flying kick to the head. At the same
time, Ryoga jumped into the air, his fist pointed towards the heavens
in an attack aimed for Ranma's stomach.
The two fighters both hit their marks. Time seemed to stop as
they stared at each other, aware that this fight was now over.
Then they started falling.
The stylism here works. A little dry in prose, perhaps, but something
about this passage works very well, where much of the rest is stilted.
"Sempai!" Makoto ran towards the two falling bodies. Ryoga hit
the ground hard, forming a crater upon impact. Ranma hadn't fared much
better. She quickly made her way towards Ryoga and shook him.
"Sempai, are you okay?"
Okay. Ten points. You got one by me. Though, I did the same thing, so
I shoulda seen it coming. ;)
"There you are, I was wondering how long it'd take you to get
here. You're late, the fight's already over."
are, I -- are. I (suggested)
Ryoga felt the pain in his head increase slightly as Makoto
dropped him unceremoniously and made her way over to where her friends
were trying their best to help Ranma.
Eh?
"Is he okay?" Makoto sat beside Minako as she cradled Ranma's
head in her lap. Rei was brushing dirt off his face and Usagi was
standing to the side, a worried look on her face. Ami was running her
computer over his body and taking note of the readings it gave her.
Repetition, 'face'.
A few feet away, Ryoga seethed with jealousy.
Eh?
'Damn you Saotome! First Akane, now Mako-chan! Will there be no
end to the suffering I must endure because of you? I swear, I shall
never forgive you for this affront!' Ryoga's thoughts vanished as he
once again fell unconscious.
Ooooh...kay.
Ranma brushed off the comment of blonde wearing a bow and
started straightening his clothes.
of blonde -- of the blonde -- of a blonde (?)
"Are you sure? You might have a concussion, or internal damage,
or..." Ranma cut off the short haired girl's comment.
The last line of this paragraph should be moved to the next, and if
she's being cut off (not trailing off) you should probably replace
the '...' with '--'.
"I told you I'm fine. I'm _used_ to this sort of thing. You
girls, on the other hand, aren't. You shouldn't have run into the fight
like you did. You might have gotten hurt."
How did they run into the fight? Ranma and Ryouga knew it was over
before they hit the ground, and it wasn't until after they hit the
ground that the girls got there.
"Those were some great moves you used! What style do you
practice?" Ranma beamed at the praise.
The last line of this paragraph should be moved to the next.
"He's such a hunk." Minako sighed as she remembered how he
looked when he smiled.
"Yeah, he's so cool." Makoto remembered the ki blast he used
in the fight. Whoever he was, he was strong.
Missing speech indicators.
"I'm confused over the readings I got from him. They indicate
that-"
"That's enough of that. Follow me back to the ice cream parlor.
We need to talk about that boy."
And again. (twice)
The five inner senshi knew better than to argue with Setsuna.
Glancing back towards the roof Ranma had disappeared to, they turned
and followed Setsuna back to the parlor. On the way, Usagi nearly
tripped as she stepped on something.
dissapeared to -- dissapeared from (I think)
"I don't think so. I've already got my eye on someone." The
girls all sighed at the memory of Ranma's smile. They all stopped at
the sound of Setsuna's voice.
That.... Didn't she pine over him for two years or so in the anime?
And she just throws that away after a glance at Ranma? And why would
Usagi step on Ryouga's face?
These girls don't really have much of a reason to pass that kind of
judgment on people they don't know, and it seems a triffle odd,
really. If anything, a reason should be provided for why Makoto
panicks to run to Ryouga's side and then just _drops_ him like that,
though I'm at a loss to what that reason could be.... Maybe Makoto
thinks he abandoned her, because he happened to get lost, or the like.
"If you are all finished with your daydreaming, I would like
to remind everyone that we are here for a reason. That reason will be
revealed as soon as we get to the parlor." Setsuna frowned when none
of the girls moved.
"It's about that boy you just saw."
If that's being said by Setsuna, it should probably be added to the
previous paragraph.
All the inner senshi disappeared and Setsuna felt a gust of
wind blow by her at the mention of Ranma's name. Shaking her head in
disgust, she calmly walked towards the ice cream parlor, stepping on
Ryoga in the process.
'disgust' and 'calm' don't go together well (perhaps 'disdain'
instead of 'disgust'. And why is she stepping on Ryouga, too?
Admittedly, she's a harder character to peg, and she might have had
some kind of history with Ryouga (somehow), but that seems
unnecesarily cavalier towards the entire affair.
"Aiyah! Shampoo sure Airen was here a moment ago. Where Ranma
go?"
Shampoo quickly rode off on her bike, leaving fresh tire tracks
on Ryoga's already battered face.
Yeesh. Poor boy.
Looking up at the remnants of her food, she sighed in defeat.
She'd had to close shop after Ranma and Ryoga left to clean up after
the fight. She was already too tired to cook her own food, but she
was hungry. Picking up a nearby phone, she dialed the number of the
local pizza place.
Repetition, 'food'.
"This is the Goddess Relief Hotline, I'll be with you in a
second."
*whap*
My fanboy senses did not detect this. And yet they should have.
"Hi, I am the goddess Skuld. I'm here to grant you a wish!"
Ah-hah!
* if you must know, she was at the ladies room.
Ah. Might want to consider either dropping it or folding it into the
fic. Either might work better for you.
Well, it's still interesting, if the pace is a little halting. You're
coming down pretty hard on boy-Hibiki, there, but that's your
perogative. Not sure what else to say, other than to work on your
descriptors a bit, to be cautious of overuse of 'as', and to use a
few more speech indicators.
Good luck with your story!