--- Jennifer Poulos <temhaire@hotmail.com> wrote:

Well, of the 2 C&C's I got, some of those questions are answered in
this chapter and the next.  I have no objections to what any of you
said so far, but with four chapters already written that tie things
into an interesting knot, if I were to pull one of the fandoms, it
would be kind of hard...  Point being, read on, and if it's still
too much, please advise on how to trim it down without disturbing
what I have as a plot.  Thanks to those who've sent C&C!

You're welcome.  As you may have noticed, once folks on the FFML are
moved to actually start commenting on a story, we don't pull any
punches.

One more thing, (I told you I'm a lot like Uncle), please be aware
that comments tend to drop off drastically after a few chapters of a
serialized story.  Either the readers like what you're doing and feel
no need to do more than grunt in approval, or they've given up on the
story.  Just the way it goes.

CHAPTER 2: STRANDS OF THE WEB



***Juuban Ward, the next morning***

Over the past few days, she had been forced to re-examine her
entire view on relationships.  Not only did Zhu Shu like girls, but
she was a better and more courteous date than any boy she had ever
known.  The fact that Zhu Shu was very beautiful did nothing to
make her apprehensions any easier.  

Glah.  I can't really blame you entirely for this, given Zhu is a
borrowed character, but she really is coming across as an ANC here.

 

Rei had hoped that with Zhu Shu gone, she would have an opportunity
to think about her feelings toward her trusted friend and mentor. 
She would have a chance to really think about what she wanted, and
decide whether she loved Zhu Shu or not.  It really was the perfect
opportunity. if she could get over the dark loneliness that she was

either "opportunity, if" or "opportunity.  If"

So much had happened the past few days, and she didn't know where
to begin analyzing it.  Monday, she had held Zhu Shu's corpse in
her arms, only to have it reanimated by two mysterious strangers. 

Umm, if these strangers don't appear in this story, you may want to
drop mentioning them.

"Whether I love her or not," she whispered, "I may never get to
tell her!"  And then, "Since I WANT to tell her, I must love her.
Right?"  She demanded this last of the two birds, who didn't really
have much in the way of confirmation or denial.

No, it means you're obsessed.

 > Someone was flying.  More, they were flying on a stick with

wings! 

Two someones, a closer inspection revealed.  And one of them didn't
look too happy about the whole thing.  They were going at top
speed, and Rei wondered if they were trying to catch something. or.

"catch something, or...." or "catch something--or...."

"In some ways, I am all of those things," the woman said, as though
Rei had spoken aloud.  "But to make it easier, please call me
Mizuni.  Mizuni Kaho."  She bowed reverently, as though to a
superior in rank, and Rei's jaw dropped.

Using Kaho-sensei to impart information, good.  Using her to impart
too much information, bad.  She's one of those characters who
operates on a "need-to-know" basis, so she should give as little
solid information to Rei as possible.  Trim her speech to the
absolute minimum she'd think Rei needs, with a couple of teasing
hints to show her sense of humor.

 

"Why are you bowing to me?!!?" she couldn't help but asking.  "I am
not remotely your equal!"

Two punctuation marks at the end of a sentence are more than enough. 
Save more for rare comedic emphasis.

"My apologies," the woman said, bowing her head demurely.  "I meant
only to expedite this."  She looked at Rei, meeting her eyes.  "We
are allies, and we once united to fight a great evil.  Together,
many of us created weapons of great power, capable of vanquishing
our enemies.  Among these was a crystal, the Ginzuishou, which you
recently reclaimed.  Currently, the weapon I helped create is being

think you mean "weapons" again in this sentence.

"Ah, it is not time for that yet," Kaho nodded.  "Trust me, when it
is time for you to know of the Crystal Kingdom, it will drop right
in your lap - or perhaps on your head.  As for the Ginzuishou, I
helped create it."

 

"No way!" Rei protested.  "I don't believe you."

Nor do I, really.  Must *everyone* be tied into the Silver Millenium?

"I'd say a bit more explanation is in order," Rei fumed.  "How do I
know you're not from the Negaverse?"

 

Kaho shot her a hard glance.

 

"Many reasons," she said sharply.  "Not in the least of which is -
if I had been, you would be dead.

Not true.  Kaho could be a very clever person from the
Negaverse--besides, Rei's met lots of people from there, and she's
still alive.

"When Queen Beryl overtook the Earth, only two empires stood
against her - that of Prince Endyomon, and that of the Song
Dynasty," Kaho explained.

ANC!  ANC!

 

"How do you know all of this?" Rei asked again, awed.

 

"Because during the reign of the Song Dynasty, Empress Lin Tzu
ruled what is now Hong Kong," the elder priestess explained. 
"There was an island there, upon which she established a mages'
school.  The most promising mages in the land gathered at this
school and literally made it a magickal forum.  

presumably the point of this story.  see what you can do to get to it
much sooner in the conversation.

 

"When Queen Beryl attacked, Song Lin Tzu called upon the mages to
create weapons to aid her and her allies in defeating the evil
Queen.  Mages from all three kingdoms gathered to help in this
task.  They created the Ginzuishou, as well as a deck of very
powerful magickal cards. 

So you're moving Clow Reed back several thousand years?

 When the war was over, the three allies

agreed that these weapons should not be available for the
unscrupulous to use.  They placed the Ginzuishou in the hands of
two representatives - Prince Endyomon and Princess Serena.  They
placed the cards in the hands of two guardians as well.  I am one
of those guardians."

erm, wait.  The war ended, in the anime, with Beryl winning, only to
be sealed away by the Ginzuishou (which, in the anime, was then
shattered)

Endymion and Serenity were sent into the future, (along with a bunch
of other people) by the power of the Ginzuishou, so they couldn't be
its guardians until later, when they were reborn.

As to the cards.  I don't know if they covered this in the dub, but
Clow Reed is a "historical" person, only a few generations removed
from Shaoran and Sakura.  And he made the Clow during that lifetime
(kero was there, so he *should* know) as his masterpiece.  I'll also
note that given the nature of some of the Clow Cards (Flower, Sweet,
etc) the notion of the deck being created as a weapon is pretty
silly.

Oh, and Kaho is Yue?  I thought [SPOILER] was Yue?
 

Kaho nodded.  "Song Lin Tzu was the fan that fueled the flame of
Mars.  Yes, you knew her, and you loved her."

Too much information.

Rei sighed.  "What you're asking is hard for me.  But if it will

help Zhu Shu, I can not say no."

 

Kaho smiled.  "Good.  Here's what I need you to do."

 

Can we have Kaho turn out to be a villain?  It would make this scene
sooo much more believable.

 

"I'm sorry, guys," Rei looked down at her feet.  "There's just. a

odd character or typo

"Rei, you of all people know the importance of the promise you made
to Zhu Shu," Artemis scolded.  "Why do you want to break it?"

 

Rei narrowed her eyes.  "Didn't you listen to what Serena just
said?  If we let her father go and walk blindly into danger, what
have we learned about being Scouts?  About saving the world?"

Hey, just tell them a perfect stranger who knows way too much about
you for comfort talkied you into it.

 > 
"Zhu Shu is different," he said.  "She's not a Scout."

Ah, then what kind of pen does she have?

Finally, she walked into a shop that reminded her a lot of

Uncle's

- a scattered disarray of antiques with very high price tags, many
of them related to Chinese magick.  She knew this because Uncle's
shop was full of items like this - elaborately-painted vases, great
thrones of fine woods, swords, figurines, chalices.  The place was
in just as much chaos as Uncle's shop as well.

Uncle:  The only reason my shop is in chaos is because a certain
little girl has been playing in it!

"It's not like a secret, or anything like that," Rei laughed
nervously.  "It's just. I'm still trying to work it out for myself.
 When I'm ready, you guys will be the first to know about it,
okay?"

Because you're realizing just how friggin' suspicious that whole Kaho
incident was?

Rich Americans were more common on the mainland, but no one

questioned their presence.  The mid-afternoon sun was shining
brightly overhead as they made their way through the market,
ignoring the various kiosks and carts; no one questioned that,
either.  In fact, most Americans appearing in this area, rich or
not, did not usually buy anything, so the locals thought nothing of
the presence of the four well-dressed, if disheveled, American men.

Shouldn't that be "Westerners"?  Valmont actually is British AFAIK.

 

"No, Ratso, not today," Valmont's tone indicated he was losing
patience.  "We've enjoyed some degree of anonymity thus far.  It
would be foolish to risk it until we are secure."  As a wistful
afterthought, he added, "I wish we had the Dark Hand ninjas.  It
wouldn't hurt to get out of San Francisco."

I thought they were in China?

Valmont just rolled his eyes, glad he was in the lead.  It was no
wonder these three had failed in every attempt to get Chan that
they had made thus far.  To top it off, Valmont was NOT happy about
losing Tohru, who was one of his best agents.

Where's the kung fu expert?  And is this during the period where
Valmont was possessed by Shen Du?

 > I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING YOUR RECENT EXPLOITS, AND WISH TO MEET

WITH

YOU WHILE YOU'RE IN HONG KONG.  PLEASE MAKE YOURSELVES AVAILABLE AT
THE SIXTH PIER TOMORROW AT NOON.  AN ESCORT WILL MEET YOU.

 

XIAN CHI

Ah, finally, some of the bad guys....

 

"Gentlemen, I think we have found our hunters," he laughed.  Oh
yes, they will definitely be hunting, and the prey is Chan.

"would definitely"

 

* * * * *

Jackie couldn't imagine it.  America was such a great country! 
Even in parts of Hong Kong, despite its industry and trade, people
did not know luxuries so common in America as television,
automobiles, and CD players.  Just north, in China, basic freedoms,
like free speech and religion, were denied.  In all of Jackie's
travels, he had never seen a country with as much liberty and
luxury as America.  Why would anyone want to desert it like that? 

So they could plot world domination?

Jackie gazed out the window.  "I don't know how I got talked into

this."

 

"Because, Jackie," Uncle said cheerily.  "A hero's work is never
done!"

At this point they should be looking around to see where Jade is
hiding.  Or at least calling the agent to see how long it took for
her to evade him.

 

* * * * *
"Can you tell me anything about my future?" she asked finally.

Yes, she could.  But that would mean showing Kodachi the cards...

Jade spotted Li Ying's great-niece 
the ritual bath of herbs and flower pedals; she had gathered her

'
"petals"

She sized the girl up, all the while trying to appear as imposing
as she could.  Chinese as her heritage might be, the American girl

Meilin is sorely mistaken here...

And, to Jade's horror, Meilin leaped at her again.

this Meilin/Jade bit is easily the best part of the chapter.

You know, trimming this down to just a buddy-movie style story about
these two against an island of killers would be a good idea.  But
then I'm a big John Woo fan.

Seeya,
SKJAM!


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