Been enjoying this; just time to C&C the ending.
Though I'll probably have general comments about the
whole story.

As usual, this is one reader's opinion; take what you find
useful and disregard the rest.

Disclaimer: The characters in this work of fan fiction belong to their
original creators, and are not used for the purpose of monetary gain.

It'd be nice to mention Kenichi Sonoda and Suzuki Toshimichi by name
(might want to double-check my spelling, too).

"Twice?" Morgan asked.

"Largo was Brian Mason," Sylia explained.

"Is this another copy?" Linna asked.

She has to ask?

"Mason?" Reika mused over the tac net. "Isn't he the one that-?"

"Yes," Sylia interrupted, "he is the one that arranged for 
your sister's death."

"And why is he still around?" Reika asked in a cold voice.

And isn't Reika listening either?

"Morgan," Sylia turned to the black and purple hardsuit. "How 
long will
it take to put up the rest of the shock mines if you do them 
yourself?"

"Ten minutes," Morgan immediately replied.

You've toned 'Morgan' down a bit in this chapter, I think.
Reasonable in that they're under fire for the whole chapter,
but less interesting as story.

"No kidding," the chief replied. "And I said that the ADP
units are to stand down.  Take down the roadblocks."

"Yes, sir," Leon growled.

"Oh, and Leon," the chief continued. "Your team's response 
time has been a little slow.  Take the time to run a few
drills.  Since the area around the Genom tower was evacuated,
and will stay empty a couple more days at the least..."

Probably worth mentioning an audible click or visible
button press at Todo's end, as he turns off any recording
devices before this last comment.  While he does give Leon
some license in the series, he is ALWAYS covering his
ass as he does so.

Sylia glanced at the trailer.  Nene was out of her hardsuit 
and walking around on shaky legs, obviously still trying to
recover from the jolt to her system.

Also kind of disorienting the casual way the Sabers
leave their suits in this chapter.  I think just about
everybody does, while in this dangerous situation.  One,
okay, maybe, for the novelty value if nothing else.  But
it's repeated too much (IMO).

"Where?" Kou, Reika's pilot, asked.

"co-pilot"?

hands of a computer, but Sylia had been the one to write the AI
algorithms, so Morgan would have to trust her boss.

Since when?  The most interesting part of the whole story, to
me, has been seeing the two women butt heads over everything,
both used to always being right.  From that standpoint,
this chapter is less interesting than previous chapters
were.

"Right.  Keep the others from repeating this mistake.  I'll 
try to keep these Darwin candidates alive." (1)

Personally, I hate footnotes requiring a scroll to read.
And I don't think you need one here; just add the word
"Award" after "Darwin", and it should be clear enough.
If you feel it necessary, you can add explanation to reader's
notes at bottom, but I'd recommend without the footnote
indicator.

people.  Let's show them how real cops kick ass." (2)

Given what this footnote turns out to be (IMO unnecessary),
suggest you drop.

Sylia looked coldly at what was left of Quincy's office.

"Any way we can verify this?" Reika asked.

Sylia shook her head. "But this does prove that it wasn't an android."

Linna was outside in the hall with Kou, desperately trying to not be
sick.

IMO this whole section would work better if the paragraph
beginning "The office was red" started this section, possibly
shortened.  Or scatter the effective details through the
section.  As it is, having Linna be sick without any preface
doesn't work for me.

The dead eyes of Quincy Rosenkroitz stared back at the Knight
Saber's leader in accusation.\

Using the full name from BGC2040?  Any particular reason?
(In Classic, Quincy is referred to as "Quincy-Kaichou" by
Genom employees, implying that "Quincy" is his family name.
We never hear another name simply and solely because, in
a Japanese business context, you never would.

only explanation.  He and Nene were trapped.  They would die here.

*No!* Mackie surprised himself with his own ferocity. *I won't
let her die!*

Mackie slammed the magazine into place and lifted his cannon. 

Mackie's thought here struck me as out of place.  I'd think
he'd be in a mode of doing-what-needs-to-be-done, without
really thinking about it very much.  Since you don't really
take this any place, why include it?  Suggest you rewrite
as a numbed Mackie watching his own hands act quickly and
precisely, while a voice in his mind wonders what he's
feeling.  (Or something like this; I hope you get the
idea.)

The boomer stepped out of the flames and smoke unharmed. "Nice trick,"
it said in a voice like tearing metal.

<clip> 

she managed to get a pair of blows in.  However, they did nothing more
than put a few miniscule scratches on the mirrored armor.

"Damn," Linna spat as the boomer's hands came down fast and 

<clip>

arms.  The boomer then slammed her into the wall, then held her by the
motoroid's shoulder.

"Payback time," it hissed.  The blade on its free hand began to spin,

I really like this fight scene between Linna and the new boomer.
You've conveyed exactly what happens; you've SHOWN (rather than
told us that) Linna gets into a fairly desperate situation,
but still comes out a winner.  I seriously thought you were
going to kill her off here; very good work.

"Let's dance," she told it.

And I like the determination she shows here, to go with the
very intelligent, improvised moves.  Again, good fight
scene.

"A limited radius EMP device," Sylia answered, "not a bomb.  It has a
blast radius of just over a kilometer, which should be enough to take
care of all the computers in Genom, especially Largo."

Here I started losing you, on plausibility.  How does Sylia
know that Largo won't be on the other side of some heavy
shielding?  Or won't destroy the EMP device before it goes
off?

"What about their data?" Morgan asked.

"They have backups, or they should," Sylia replied.

Sylia's statement implies an "or else", and that she doesn't
care what happens to Genom if they don't have backups.
Given how you end the story, is that what you want?

They had left behind a great number of booby traps, so it took Largo
nearly an hour to get an observer in the destroyed factory.  Once
inside, he only saw debris, and the cube.

<clip>

be here for my ascension, just before I kill them.  What's this, a
timer?  Ten seconds?  Do they really think a bomb can hurt the systems
where I reside?*

Just above the digital counter, there was a small note. "Checkmate,
asshole."

Largo's obvious move right here is to quickly smash the
EMP device, which the Largo we saw in episode 6 was quite
capable of doing.  So why doesn't he, and why didn't
Sylia take that into account?

"Is this it, then?" Morgan asked.  Like the others, she had
her helmet off

??? Where are they?  Aren't they still in the middle of
a bunch of AD Police?  Surely they don't think they are
safe from legal action if their identities become known?

"Proof that all patents for cyberdroid technology were my 
father's, not Genom's.  He never signed any agreement about
his inventions being Genom property, and the company was so
desperate for his abilities that they agreed.  The patents
were part of his will, but Mason had managed to hide the
evidence by then."

Comments:
1) This seems to be the state of affairs implied in BGC2040,
sort of, but I'd always thought the arrangement in Classic 
being that Dr. Stingray was a Genom employee all along; that
any patents had been Genom's from the get-go.  Of course,
you're free to decide otherwise, but:

2) This seems an awfully cheap out.  What does this
evidence consist of, that Sylia couldn't get any before?
Why would Genom keep any - wouldn't Mason have made sure it
was destroyed?  More fundamentally, this 'evidence' is
both digital and around ten years old:  how can anybody
prove it wasn't just forged?  The only technology of which
I am aware that can be used to prove the non-forging of
digital information is public-key cryptography, but, as
time passes and computers get better, there is a tendency
for today's computers to be able to crack yesteryear's
perfectly-safe cryptographic secrets.  For instance (using
today's key lengths), if you were to say that you had
a 40-bit key protecting some data, so it was perfectly safe,
you'd be laughed at:  that only takes hours to crack today,
using an array of a few hundred commodity processors (e.g.,
a University lab accessible to grad students).  128 bits
is good for today, but may not be in ten years.

And how is Sylia planning to release this info, which implies
that Genom owes her vast sums of money?  Have Saber White
hand it to Leon?  That would attract attention to the
Sabers, surely.  But how else explain why it appeared only
now?

Morgan laughed. "You'll own the company by the time this is
finished."

Perhaps, but "finished" would take years in the U.S., given
the interests involved.  In today's Japan, it's unlikely
the courts would ever rule against Genom (largest employer
in Japan).

Bottom line:  IMO, to be convincing, this needs work.

"Back to the office, Madam President?"  The driver asked.

"Don't start that," Madigan replied, "'Madam CEO.'"

Wouldn't "Madam Chairwoman" be more appropriate?

"How are the new designs coming?" Madigan asked.

"In three months, the first runs of exo-suits will be ready for
shipment."

That answer doesn't come from R&D, in any company.  It comes
from manufacturing.

"I think we're the only company where the owner doesn't have 
the highest position."

This is actually fairly analogous to the current Microsoft
organization:  Chairman Bill's other title is 'Chief Scientist',
and Steve Ballmer is CEO and President.

"I've said it before, you're better at corporate business
and politics than I am."

"Because you don't hold back what you think," Madigan shot 
back as into the Genom parking garage. "Can you imagine what
would happen if a person with as little tact as you were
running the place?"

You know, the first time through, I just went through this
part, nodding in passing.  Which shows how into your story
I got, because, as I re-read this, I'm really wondering
what I was thinking.  This describes these characters
backwards from the way they're presented in the original
series:  Sylia is the extremely tactful one who never lets
on what she thinks, and Madigan is the raging bull.

Which thought suggests another way to phrase things to still
end up here:  Sylia can't run things *because* she can't
be frank, and tell male subordinates their work stinks.
And Madigan can.

(Sylia's M.O. in 'Classic' is very much how textbooks say
women managers try to run things, by building consensus,
slowly, and by being motherly [sort of], and the same
textbooks say that many male subordinates can't take this:
they don't think anything's getting done.]

"Of course.  And since the four of us meet regularly
outside of any other business, no one suspects."

Hello?  It's one thing for the owner of a lingerie store
to meet with an aerobics instructor and an AD Police
dispatcher, but the Chair and President of the largest
corporation in Japan?  And NOBODY asks how they met,
what they see so fascinating in each other, etc?

It's not that you CAN'T end with "the four of us meet
regularly outside", it's that you didn't give us enough
detail to make it plausible.  For instance, you could
take a leaf from 'Crash' and change Linna's career to
Stock Broker, and presto! she has every reason to
talk to CEOs and COOs quite frequently.  And you
could say something about Nene having some outside
charity interest (for instance) where she raises
funds from the rich.

"The best place to hide something is in plain sight."

VERY true, and why I always thought the Saber's original
delivery truck was far and away their best vehicle.
(Don't get me started on the 'KnightWing'!)


Highpoints, IMO, of the entire story:
 - Madigan's interactions with Sylia
 - Linna's fight in this section

The setup with how Madigan became a Saber worked well,
IMO.  I could see Genom setting her up like that, Sylia
expecting it, and recruiting her, given Priss's death.
And I liked the way they butted heads, although, the
more I think about it, Sylia seemed OOC to me for
much of it.  Can't remember how gradually she came
out of her ultra-tactful shell to start reacting to
Madigan, but it might be worth while stretching that
out a bit, perhaps showing us Madigan getting
frustrated at not being able to extract a genuine
emotional reaction from Sylia.  Say, for instance,
that Madigan has always worked that way:  by putting
new coworkers through the wringer to see what they're
made of.

Again, I think the ending is weak.  The title, and
one of your author's notes, suggest that this ending
is what you had in mind all along, but I'd still
seriously suggest changing it.  BGC stories don't
have to end in happiness and light; in fact, I'd
wager than most don't.

The ending you give could be made to work, if you
really insist on it.  I'd suggest, however, that you
inform us up front that the 'evidence' exists, and
make the search for it a much bigger element of your
story.  (And, obviously, work on the plausibility
of the evidence itself.)  However, if you do that,
you have a quite different story.



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