Check out my writings webpage. Find my stuff. ^_^
http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/fanfiction/entrance.html
I hate my e-mail signature, because it's not long enough to say anythin
I've read this one before. Have I? Maybe I haven't.
Perhaps, but perhaps not. I'd say so for sure, but I'm not.
Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the creations and properties
of Rumiko Takahashi. Tenchi Muyo and its characters are the
creations and properties of Masaki Kajishima. Excepting
flames, if you have any comments or criticisms, feel free to
send them my way.
I THINK I've read it before.
There's a chance you have.
...
...
^_^
"He's fine." a nurse replied, soothingly. "He just woke up,
in fact." Her voice was very jovial.
fine." a nurse -- fine," a nurse
I know, well...I know now, but before a week ago (I've made this mistake in everything I've written. I suppose I should go through everything and fix it all, but it's so much work, and I'm so dang la---zy) I had no idea.
"Hi, Ranma." Tenchi said. "I'm so happy you're okay."
Ranma." Tenchi -- Ranma," Tenchi
There's the same mistake, once again. Fancy that. ^_^;
(I really should fix it, but...)
"She was awake almost all last night. I wonder if she just
went to sleep?" Tenchi mentioned. He looked towards the open
door, and then asked, "Could we get some water in here?"
I would suggest dropping 'Tenchi mentioned'.
Will do.
Tenchi looked at Ranma, smiling. "Sir? I'm younger than her!"
He shrugged. He looked at his Auntie Nodoka, and then back at
Ranma. "You want to know how long you've been out?"
He shrugged. He looked -- stilted. You might want to see what you can
change to make that flow more smoothly.
Hmm...
He shrugged, then looked at his auntie, before returning his attention to Ranma.
"The tournament was two days ago." Tenchi smiled.
Tenchi smiled. -- that's a bit of a weak descriptor. Falls a little
flat, really. :/
Dang. I thought I eliminated that.
'Kamen. He said he'd come back.' Ranma suddenly remembered.
He placed aside the empty cup, and threw off his blankets.
Swinging his legs over the bedside, he was suddenly overcome
with an exhaustion, like a heavy quilt over his heart.
Kamen? I must have missed a few chapters.
Yup.
***
%
Tenchi alone sat in the living room watching outside his
grandfather and Mister Tendo speak quietly. He knew of what,
about returning to the shrine to grab his belongings. He
supposed he also had to grab Ranma's belongings.
Is that '%' supposed to be there?
Yup, but also no. ^_^;
I write at http://www.MediaMiner.org/forums under the Beta thread, and I use it as a mark for when I resume writing from when I last posted (at the forums). I thought I erased it, but alas, it seems to somehow have crept back into the work.
I'll definately eliminate it (seems to be my word of the day, really).
That first sentence is awwkard, you might want to reword it.
Alrighty.
"It's, it's nothing." Ranma looked at his hand. 'It's not
strong enough, I guess.' He flexed and relaxed it. 'I need to
be stronger.'
It's, it's nothing -- It's nothing -OR- It's -- it's nothing. (suggested)
Katsuhito himself was lost in thought, but he somehow
answered Noboyuki with a quick nod.
Who's PoV is this from?
It should from Tenchi's. More fixings for me, I suppose.
It raced, but it had no competition.
It flew around trees, through leaves, and over roots.
Its destination...
***
He suddenly was chilled, right to his bone. "Wow, this wind's
cold..."
Tenchi hugged himself, and looked to the stairs.
"I guess I should go back..."
***
Its destination...
It rushed ahead...
I like this part.
Thanks! ^_^
He reached forward, key pointed forward.
Repetition, 'forward'.
I thought so. Thanks for catching it.
The key entered the lock, and then Tenchi turned the key...
The gate opened, as a sunrise against a cold and long night.
Freedom and redemption erupted into the world.
But he didn't break the seal yet....
And then Tenchi walked into the cave.
Interesting.
End Chapter Seven
I like it. I'd like to see more. :)
Okay, I'll write more.
And just perhaps I'll go back through all my work and destroy the heathenous '"Dialog." said someone.' mistake that's so far plagued all of my works (damn it, the damn thing) before anything else, though.
--
Brian Randall
--
Who probably posts far too much to the FFML for his own good.
And we're all the more glad for it. ^_^
But you've sped ahead with PoE, and I've fallen behind somewhere. Ah well. There's nothing wrong with a little bit o' marathon reading over the coming weekend.
Thanks for the c&c. I'm especially glad to get it.
Troy Thomas
***
Check out my writings webpage. Find my stuff. ^_^
http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/fanfiction/entrance.html
I hate my e-mail signature, because it's not long enough to say anythin
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