I've some time, so I'll try C&Cing part 2 of this as well.

Subject: [FFML] [FFML][C&C][SM/CCS/JCA]Curse of the Banshee Chapter 2

BTW, the [C&C] tag normally means you're giving, not requesting.
I'd try [C&C Requested], but no guarantees.

hard...  Point being, read on, and if it's still too much, 
please advise on how to trim it down without disturbing what 
I have as a plot.  Thanks to those who've sent C&C!

I'll try...

Rei woke up with a start, trying to put her finger on what 
had woken her so abruptly.  She rose and ran all over the 
shrine and dojo, trying to find the source of her stress.  It 
wasn't until she had explored every inch of her shadowy home 
that she realized what the problem was.

There's a dojo at the Hikawa shrine?  News to me.

And why "shadowy"?  It's at the top of a hill.

Zhu Shu was gone.

Zhu Shu would be on her way to China by now with the 
Saotomes, the Tendos, and a whole entourage of Zhu Shu's 
other friends that Rei knew very little.  She knew Ranma and 
Akane well enough, but had only gotten to know the other 
Tendos over the past few days.  She missed Akane and Kasumi, 
who had been so kind to her in her recent confusion.  But she 
felt lonely without Zhu Shu.

Several reactions to this:
1) If she knew that Zhu Shu was leaving, what's with the
abrupt wakeup?  The implication (to me) above was that something
*unexpected* had happened.

2) Grammar nit:  "a whole entourage...what Rei knew very little."
is missing something.  Suggest "a whole entourage... of whom
Rei knew very little."

3) She is missing Kasumi, but didn't know her "well enough"?
While possible, I suppose, it seems odd.

Over the past few days, she had been forced to re-examine her 
entire view on relationships.  Not only did Zhu Shu like 
girls, but she was a better and more courteous date than any 
boy she had ever known.

I'd have thought that would be obvious; OF COURSE a woman
knows what women like better than men do.  While perhaps an
odd thought to American girls (at least, fifteen-year-old
ones), it shouldn't be as odd a thought in Japan.  There's
a stage proverb of sorts there, something like "only a
male actor can play the perfect woman; only a female actor
can play the perfect man."  And Rei should be VERY familiar
with this; there's a brief scene during the S season (I know,
this takes off before that, but...) where Usagi waves in
Rei's face _Rei's_ copy of a program guide for the all-woman
Takarazuka troupe, with a cover of a woman playing a man,
with a faint moustache glued on.

Rei had hoped that with Zhu Shu gone, she would have an 
opportunity to think about her feelings toward her trusted 
friend and mentor.  She would have a chance to really think 
about what she wanted, and decide whether she loved Zhu Shu 
or not.  It really was the perfect opportunity. if she could 
get over the dark loneliness that she was feeling right now.

The implication of the fact that you've included this in the
story is that Rei, and her decision, is a major part of the
story.  If not, do you need this?

She descended the stairs that lead to the street, the birds 
following like the two faithful servants they were.  She 
walked aimlessly, not caring where she wound up, since she 
was so well-equipped.  She let her body worry about the 
physical while she turned her mind inward, toward her soul.

I'm wondering why I need to care about this, at this point.
And why the paragraphs are spaced so far apart.

Let me elaborate a bit.  Rei is not one of my particular
favorite SM characters, but I would care, at this point,
about the feelings and problems of a Rei I recognized.
THIS Rei, OTOH, struggling with feelings which come out of
left field (as I haven't read the necessary background material),
isn't familiar to me.  I don't connect with her as the Rei I
think I know; she's somebody else with the same name and powers.
I've only known her since I got to her intro in Chapter 1 of
your story.  So why should I care what she's going through?

She looked around, realizing suddenly that she was lost.  
Surrounding her were huge suburban homes similar to Serena's, 

Uh... what?  Serena's home is "huge"?  By what standards?
It's considerably smaller than the Tendo's house.  I'd have
thought it would be average in Tokyo, not "huge".

Also, why "suburban", applied to Serena's house?  Judging by
the anime, she lives within walking distance of Tokyo Tower.

Someone was flying.  More, they were flying on a stick with 
wings!  Two someones, a closer inspection revealed.  And one 
of them didn't look too happy about the whole thing.  They 
were going at top speed, and Rei wondered if they were trying 
to catch something. or.

Not sure what that "or." was intended to be.  Did you mean
"Or possibly..."?

There was nothing but an empty street.  Rei sighed in relief 
and turned to continue her walk.

Ummm.. so Rei encounters Sakura and nothing happens as a
consequence?  So why have an encounter?

.and walked right into the bosom of a very tall woman with 
red hair flowing down her back and piercing eyes of dark 
brown.  She was dressed in a kimono and holding several slips 
of parchment.  Rei's eyes widened for two reasons - first, 
those parchments were charms; and second, this woman had an 
aura nearly as powerful as Zhu Shu's!

Based on her history, she should be expecting this woman to
be a youma or droid or cardian or something.  Might want to
add something about not sensing any evil.

"Who are you?" Rei asked in astonishment.  There were many 
obvious answers to that question - a powerful mage; a Shinto 
priestess; a moon goddess, cool and warming all at once.

Confusing... why is "a moon goddess" an "obvious answer"?

"In some ways, I am all of those things," the woman said, as 
though Rei had spoken aloud.  "But to make it easier, please 
call me Mizuni.  Mizuni Kaho."  She bowed reverently, as 
though to a superior in rank, and Rei's jaw dropped.

Water something?  Boil something?  I'm not getting the
name (not that I have to, to enjoy the story; name meanings
are an added fillip).

"Never mind, I will tell you," Kaho sighed.  "But I wish you 
would trust me.  This is important.  You remember a kingdom, 
a Princess on the Moon, to whom you were a guardian.  You 
remember an ally, with whom you had a close alliance.  You 
mistook that ally for another, and nearly broke your best 
friend's heart, even if you refuse to admit you love her."

"So I DO love Zhu Shu?" Rei breathed.

<clip> 

"No, dear, the Princess,"

<clip> 

Rei wrinkled her brow.  The Princess was Serena. did she
mean Darien?

This is after the Doom Tree episodes?  This reaction
strikes me as off, or needing explanation, then (mid-first
season, I could see).  Clearly this Rei is not opposed, in
principle, to the idea that she herself might prefer women;
and, any time after the end of season one, I'd think she'd
be able to admit her feelings about Usagi to herself.  And
I'm not aware of any indication, after mid-first-season,
that Rei still feels anything for Darien more than what
the other Senshi would.  This Rei is coming across as though
the idea that she loves Usagi is so new to her that it
must be a mistake.

"Would you please warn me when you are reading my mind?" Rei 
asked.  "It's a bit. weird."

Do you want an ellipsis there, rather than one period?

capable of vanquishing our enemies.  Among these was a 
crystal, the Ginzuishou, which you recently reclaimed.  

"Recently"?  If this refers to events during the first
season of SM, I'd rephrase.  If to events during the
background story I haven't read, suggest you amplify or
skip the mention entirely.  Actually, what is ", which
you recently reclaimed." adding to your story?  Why
not just delete the phrase?

"I'd say a bit more explanation is in order," Rei fumed.  
"How do I know you're not from the Negaverse?"

I thought Rei could sense this woman is good?

"When Queen Beryl overtook the Earth, only two empires stood 
against her - that of Prince Endyomon, and that of the Song 
Dynasty," Kaho explained.

A quick web check says that the Song date to about 1000
years ago.  That syncs with the dub intro's cursory dating,
but dating SM backstory so recently (while I know it's been
done) presents historical problems.  Most authors I've read
date SM backstory to Atlantis-like prehistory; the one
I've read who used a historical period went to a lot of
trouble to explain how Beryl fit into known Earth history
(I seem to recall a lot about Merlin and gates, rather
than ships, for instance).

What does this mean to you?  I'm not sure yet.

"Because during the reign of the Song Dynasty, Empress Lin 
Tzu ruled what is now Hong Kong," the elder priestess 
explained.  "There was an island there, upon which she 
established a mages' school.  The most promising mages
in the land gathered at this school and literally made
it a magickal forum.

Not sure if this comes from CCS backstory I don't know,
but Hong Kong was a tiny fishing community when the British
seized it.  And I'm not sure what it means to say that
any Chinese 'Empress' ruled Hong Kong, which is very far
from any city which was ever an Imperial capital.  Maybe
a temporarily-exiled Empress?

"When Queen Beryl attacked, Song Lin Tzu called upon the 
mages to create weapons to aid her and her allies in 
defeating the evil Queen.  Mages from all three kingdoms 
gathered to help in this task.  They created the Ginzuishou, 
as well as a deck of very powerful magickal cards.  When the 
war was over, the three allies agreed that these weapons 
should not be available for the unscrupulous to use.  They 
placed the Ginzuishou in the hands of two representatives - 
Prince Endyomon and Princess Serena.  They placed the cards 
in the hands of two guardians as well.  I am one of those
guardians."

"All three kingdoms" meaning the Song (China), Endymion's,
and the Moon kingdom?

And this red-haired Japanese (apparently) woman was
chosen as a guardian for the Clow Cards?  I thought they
were supposed to be specifically Chinese?

"You will meet him shortly," Kaho replied.  "However, know 
this - I was chosen to guard them, not to wield them.  When 
the time was right, the true wielder of the cards would 
appear and subdue them.  Then, later, history would repeat 
itself, and you would need to align with the bearer of the 
cards once again."

Do you mean to use two different words, "wielder" and
"bearer", here?  The implication is that she's talking
about two different people.

"Not all the cards have yet been captured," the priestess 
explained.  "And yet, a great threat has arisen, and the 
Three Kingdoms must align again.

Unless I'm missing something, one of these kingdoms has
a single representative left:  Darien.

When this happens, the Bearer will be in more danger than
they have ever known.  And I must ask that you guard them,
or all the cards will never be captured."

"What do you mean, them?  I thought there was only one Bearer," 

"Well, there is a complication," Kaho looked down at her 
feet.  "We know who the Bearer is, but that person must NOT 
know until it is time.  And the time has not yet come.  This, 
unfortunately, must be tended to first."

A couple of reactions to this:
1) The Bearer presumably is NOT Sakura, as I can't imagine
that this would come as any surprise to her.
2) So Kaho used "them" to conceal the Bearer's gender, but
the Bearer is singular?  Okay, but I'd shortcut this, then.
How about:
   When this happens, the Bearer will be in greater danger
   than they have ever known.  And I must ask that you
   guard the Bearer, or all the cards will never be captured.

Still conceals the Bearer's gender, both from Rei and from
the readers, while not making a point of a grammatical
confusion which can't arise in the Japanese they're supposed
to be speaking.

Kaho nodded.  "Song Lin Tzu was the fan that fueled the flame 
of Mars.  Yes, you knew her, and you loved her."

Let's see if I understand this.  Zhu Shu is the reincarnation
of Song Lin Tzu, I'm going to venture.  Okay... but didn't
Kaho just tell Rei earlier in this conversation that Rei
loved Usagi?  Not that this is a contradiction, necessarily,
but I'm not getting a clear picture here. (That might, of
course, be intentional on your part.)

"Can you help me?  I'm so confused!" Rei cried out in 
frustration, collapsing into the woman's arms.

Well, I _REALLY_, REALLY don't know this version of Rei.

world's.  I, too, serve the Song, and I would not ask you to 
do this if it were not important."

Suggest "I, too, serve Zhu Shu,".  The Song have been gone
for 1000 years.

Rei sighed.  "What you're asking is hard for me.  But if it 
will help Zhu Shu, I can not say no."

Suggest "cannot"

"We've GOT to go to Hong Kong, no matter WHAT Zhu Shu said," 
Serena's voice was laced with desperation as she pleaded with 
the other Scouts. 

<clip> 

Rei sat secluded in a corner, morose silence clouding her 
mood.  She said nothing, only listened to what the other 
Scouts were saying.

Again, I'm just not recognizing this Rei.  Why isn't she
loudly agreeing with Usagi?

"Yeah, Serena, what's in Hong Kong?  Darien?" Mina taunted.  
Serena blushed; she and Mina were the closest of all of them, 
and Mina's teasing was not as vicious as Rei's.

Four reactions here:
1) Wouldn't Mina know if Darien had left the country?
2) "she and Mina were the closest of all of them"?  Most
similar, I could agree with, perhaps; "closest" just seems...
wrong to me.  I can't think of any particular evidence for
this statement in anything of the series I've seen.  I'd
have said Ami or Rei, depending on where in the series.
3) While it's true that Mina's teasing isn't as vicious
as Rei's, Mina is also the one Usagi herself is most
successful at teasing back, I think.
4) Why the blush?

"Are you SURE it's not Darien, Serena?" Luna asked.  "You 
don't usually put this much thought into something unless 
Darien is involved."

This seems off for Luna, to me.  I can see Mina saying
this, but Luna's comments usually have more thought behind
them than this one seems to.  And Luna is given to more
precise phrasing, IMO; when Darien is involved is when
Serena is precisely NOT likely to put much thought into
something.

Serena stood up and stamped her foot, finally acting herself 
again.  Ami, Lita, and Mina, however, exchanged a glance.  No 
matter what Luna thought, it was obvious to them that Serena 
was dead serious.

And when are the girls better at understanding Usagi than
Luna is?  I can't readily think of an instance; it's more
common that the other four continue to ride Usagi over
something after Luna has realized that it's time to stop.

"Darien, for your information, will be here in Tokyo," Serena 
told the black cat.  "He has a summer job at a martial arts 
camp, and he will be out of reach for two whole weeks!  Why 
don't you believe me?"

Plausibility issue:  Usagi, being Usagi, will have been
wearying everybody else in the room with this knowledge for
days.  They won't have any trouble believing that Darien
is not in Hong Kong.

"Maybe it's because generally you're shallow, boy-obsessed, 
and narrow-minded?" Rei suggested, finally speaking up.

Rei, OTOH, does think.  She rides Usagi for a reason, to
get her to do better.  We know Rei wants to go to Hong Kong
here; why does she say this to Usagi, given the circumstances?

Rei narrowed her eyes.  "Didn't you listen to what Serena 
just said?  If we let her father go and walk blindly into 
danger, what have we learned about being Scouts?  About 
saving the world?"

"Wow, Rei," Serena rose and stood beside her fiery friend.  
"The only thing you ever do with this much passion is pick on me."

Rei does everything with passion; that's her trademark.

Luna shook her head.

"I can not let you do this," she said.  "If you even TRY to 
break your promise to Zhu Shu, I will have to contact her."

I can only think here that the backstory I haven't read (your
fiance's story) must be responsible for this; for the Luna
I know, this reaction is incomprehensible.  Complaining, yes.

Artemis shook his head.  "I never thought I'd be glad you 
gave her that pen, but I agree.  We can't let you girls go 
off and face an unknown enemy."

??? Artemis and Luna's main job in life is to let these
girls go off and fight unknown enemies.  Have things changed
that drastically?

"Zhu Shu is different," he said.  "She's not a Scout."

Artemis just got done saying he's "glad you gave her that
pen".  Which is it?

"Well, she's a Scout to us!" Serena said with finality.  She 
turned and stormed out of the room, leaving the other Scouts 
to glare at the two cats.

Well, that was an attempt at a very dramatic scene, with
lots of interpersonal conflict.  Good, as far as that goes.
The problem I have with it should be clear:  I just don't
recognize these characters.  So why should I care?

***Qinxong Li, island of Lan Tao***

Jade had nearly wound up back in New Kowloon before she'd 
woken up.  Fortunately, she'd had enough time to slip off
the boat during the long and apparently difficult process
of leaving port.

Why take a boat?  There's a huge highway linking Kowloon
and Lantau (now).

The port town was called Gizjhang, and there were so many 
children running about doing errands that no one questioned 
her presence.  It helped a lot to have ten years of life in 
Hong Kong to teach her Chinese; it was simple to pretend she 
was just a nosy little Chinese girl.  The fact that she 
really was nosy didn't hurt, either.

Unless I've missed something, she's really Chinese, too.
She's eleven; she's spent ten years of life in Hong Kong;
her parents live here.  Cantonese ought to be her primary
language.

Thus, she'd found out by mid-afternoon that there were some 
suspicious goings-on near a small town at the other end of 
the island.  She'd even managed to find a ride with an actual 
car; with a start, she realized she was too used to America 
if she expected EVERYONE to have a car.  Most of the people 
on this island seemed to make do with donkeys and carts.

How did Jade get "too used to America"?  She's spent at most
one year there.

And, while I read somewhere that the really small, isolated,
hard-to-get-to (ferrys only daily) islands of Hong Kong do in
fact still have donkey carts in common use, I wouldn't think
that could be true of Lantau any more.

She'd arrived in Qinxong Li by midday, and it was obvious 
that this was a town afraid.  She had no idea where to begin 
looking for this splinter group, but since Section 13 was 
concerned, she asked if there were any Americans about.  She 
got numerous answers, mostly telling her that nothing was 
happening - but not convincingly.

Can't Jade see the island in the distance with the tall,
silvery towers and the insect-like helicopters?

A few people mentioned a red-haired American girl who 
sometimes came to the market, and Jade filed this away 
mentally.  However, only one would tell her much about this 
girl, and then only small details.

You don't give us these details, but "a few people" gave
enough of a description for Jade to wait for and follow
this girl.  Wouldn't that be Jade's natural plan at this
point?

Finally, she walked into a shop that reminded her a lot of 
Uncle's - a scattered disarray of antiques with very high 
price tags, many of them related to Chinese magick.  She knew 
this because Uncle's shop was full of items like this - 
elaborately-painted vases, great thrones of fine woods, 
swords, figurines, chalices.  The place was in just as much 
chaos as Uncle's shop as well.

Pretty good description.  What about smell?  Telling us
what it smells like would add to this, I think.

Her sharpened facial features and lithe build, though, were 
remnants of a society long gone, a society that only the 
live-in niece of an antiques dealer could tell.  Jade's eyes 
widened in shock.

"Are you Han?" she asked in Chinese.  The old woman relaxed 
her stance, if not her guard, and showed a crooked grin.

??? Now I'm completely lost.  She asked an apparently Chinese
woman, in Chinese, if she is Chinese (which is what Han means).
What was the point of that?

And where did this "sharpened facial features" come from?  Does
this woman look Chinese or doesn't she?

I'm going over and over this section, and I'm still puzzled
over what it's supposed to mean.  One guess would be that the
"sharpened facial features and lithe build" are supposed to
indicate to Jade that this woman is a member of a supposedly-
defunct secret society of martial artists, but that doesn't
explain the "Han" question, nor what facial features have to
do with anything.  If that is your intent, suggest Jade
use body language to distinguish this instead.

"You speak with the accent of the mainland," she observed.  
"You are Chinese, yes?"

An eleven-year-old girl, having spent ten years of her life
in Hong Kong, speaks with an accent from another part of
China?  The only way this could begin to be possible is
if she spent the most recent year in the interior somewhere,
and picked up a bit of an accent.  (Then, of course, when
did she spent any time in America?)

What to recommend... Only thing I can think of is to reexamine
this whole scene, and why it is required, and cut out most
of this.  Why give us biography for Jade if it's confusing
us, rather than helping us, understand her?

"I am from the family of Chan," she said, offering what she 
hoped was a formal bow.

She's lived in Hong Kong for 10/11 of her life; what's this
"hoped"?  If she doesn't know, she doesn't need to fake it.

"You are in the ancestral village of the family of Li," she 
replied.  "The blood you see is not Han, but that of Clow Reed."

The Clow Reed family aren't Chinese after all?  Then what
are they?

"There are no Americans on this island," the old lady snapped.

At any given point in time (these days), there'd have to
be hundreds of Americans on Lantau.  Granted, most at
the airport, or adjacent hotels, but still...

"I didn't do it!" she told the old woman.  In her panic, she 
realized she was speaking English.

I'm confused.  Jade is a Chinese girl raised in Hong Kong,
right?  Why does she revert to English when panicked?

either," she added.  "Those other pieces were probably made 
in Taiwan. uh. in a toy factory," she finished, remembering 
where she was.

??? She can't mention Taiwan in Hong Kong?  Why?  Handover
hasn't changed the fact that Hong Kong is the major switching
point for all trade between the mainland and Taiwan.  And
the long-standing arrangement for Taiwanese who need other
passports is to get Hong Kong ones (actually, I don't know
that that is still true since handover).

This woman, at her age, will clearly remember the days
when Hong Kong-ers watched the mainland with horror and
fear, and Taiwan was the closest fellow-Chinese culture,
with close trading links (which, BTW, is still true).

Finally, knockoff fakes are far more likely to come from
the mainland than Taiwan.  It's the mainland which has
the labor cost advantage.

Li Meilin stepped out of the water closet, having only used 
it for temporary concealment.  "Yes, Revered Great-Aunt, I 
heard it all.  As for worthy, I'll be the judge of that."

Strikes me as an extremely unusual attitude for a ten-year-old
Chinese girl to take to a "Revered Great-Aunt".  Why isn't
she taking her aunt's word for it?

"This is the life," she said, leaning back in her seat.

They're flying Business class?  Where did they get the
money for that?

"Yeah, Serena," said Ami.  "We should travel with your dad 
more often!"

Who's paying for this, BTW?  You're making a big deal about
how Sakura and allies get to Hong Kong; why so casual
about the Senshi?

"Well, we're going to a little town south of the mainland, 

Trying to imagine a Japanese girl saying that about
Hong Kong, and can't.  To the Japanese, Hong Kong is
a big destination for shopping.  (This is less true
than it used to be, but it was true for decades, long
enough for the idea to be ingrained.)  Hong Kong is
just thought of as "Hong Kong", not in relation to
the mainland.

"Have we given any thought to what we're going to do when we 
get there?" Rei asked in a low tone.

"I'm going to the beach!" Lita announced.

OOC for Lita, IMO.

"I'm going shopping," Mina added excitedly.

But this works for Mina.
 

"I'm going to the spa," Serena said brightly.

Not sure this works, either, given how serious she was
while inciting this trip.

Rei sighed.  "I hope you understand this," she said.  "I 
can't tell you guys just yet."

"What?" all four girls said in varying states of shock.

What's so shocking about that, coming from Rei?  Wouldn't
they just assume she'd done a fire reading and gotten vague
indications?

"Because it's complicated, guys," Rei emphasized.  "Just, 
trust me.  I am always a part of the team.  I just. there's 
something else I need to do."

"I bet it's about a boy," Lita retorted.

That's precisely what Lita would say if the first remark
had come from Mina (and she'd be right).  And Usagi might
say this to Rei, and be flat wrong.  Rei has
all sorts of motivations, and isn't nearly as forward
about boys as Lita, Mina, or Usagi.  Lita, in particular,
I think of as just in awe of Rei's priestess talents,
and certainly not rushing towards judging her.

***Gizjhang, Lan Tao port town***

Rich Americans were more common on the mainland, but no one 

I'm a bit confused by what you mean by "mainland" here.  The
most common place to find Americans in China is Hong Kong,
and the most common place to find Americans in Hong Kong is
Hong Kong island, rather than Kowloon or the New Territories.

"I just want to find a sushi joint and have some lunch!  
Can't we, boss?"  This from the gangly carrot-topped greaser, 
a reject from some disco movie, some day gone by.  

I assume the "sushi joint" reference is supposed to clue
us in on how out-of-place and clueless this guy is?

"We need to maintain a low profile for a few days," came the 
clipped British reply.  "We are obviously not Chinese, so we 
need to be cautious, in case Section 13 is around."

??? So they walk around this village on the south or west
side of Lantau Island?  Why aren't they in the middle of
the city?

"We need to act like we are not international criminals, 
Chow," Big V, which stood for Valmont, hissed back, his eyes 
narrowing.

"But, boss," the ox scratched his head.  "Aren't we."

Need a question mark.

I assume you're using this ludicrous dialog because it's
the style of the JCA series?  Having even the "sharp" one
imply aloud, with a possible audience, that the whole group
are international criminals?

My problem, coming as I am from lack of exposure to JCA,
is that I just can't swallow this behavior from people
we've been led to believe are a threat.

I guess I have to suggest you tone down the slavish
copying of the JCA villain dialog style, in favor of trying
to make these guys seem more formidable.  As it is, I think
you're undermining whatever suspense you've built up;
we KNOW the good guys are going to win if the bad guys
act like this.

the Dark Hand ninjas.  It wouldn't hurt to get out of San Francisco."

??? They're not IN San Francisco.

"Well, if we're not going to be international criminals, what 
are we going to do?" asked the skinny disco fan.

"That's simple, Finn," Valmont replied.  "We look for a 
hotel, then we lay low and think of a way to get back at that 
goody-goody, Chan."

Oh, right. (rolls eyes)  Revenge is the only thing this
criminal mastermind can think about doing.  Not, say, his
next plan for stealing money | world domination | whatever
his schtick is?

of them lodged and dining.  Granted, this place was no 
Marriott, but more like an inn from an old kung-fu movie; 
that was alright.

Again, if these guys just wanted a hotel and food, what
are they doing on Lantau?  If they think that "laying
low" means staying out of central Hong Kong, why didn't
they just go to Macau?  More Americans, fewer police.

It did no good, as a group of ninjas stormed the room through 

Do you really want to use the word "ninja" here?  Surely
you don't mean that these intruders are Japanese?

I HAVE BEEN OBSERVING YOUR RECENT EXPLOITS, AND WISH TO MEET 
WITH YOU WHILE YOU'RE IN HONG KONG.  PLEASE MAKE YOURSELVES 
AVAILABLE AT THE SIXTH PIER TOMORROW AT NOON.  AN ESCORT WILL 
MEET YOU.

XIAN CHI

Apparently not; they would seem to be Chinese.

***New Kowloon, Hong Kong***

"So tell me again about this splinter group?"

Jackie was aghast by what he'd heard thus far, and this was 
the third time he was making Black repeat it.

So he phrases the question that way?  Seems like a good
way to destroy Black's confidence in his intelligence.
Still, that might be Jackie's plan.

Jackie couldn't imagine it.  America was such a great 
country!  Even in parts of Hong Kong, despite its industry 
and trade, people did not know luxuries so common in America 
as television, automobiles, and CD players.

Automobiles, true.  CD players and televisions... I'd be
surprised if there were any statistical difference in
ownership percentages between Hong Kong and American.

Why would anyone want to desert it like that? 

Why did Jackie automatically assume Section 3 deserted,
as opposed to, say, being kidnapped.  Or, if he has enough
exposure to the paranormal, being mentally taken over?

Black sighed.  "I haven't been evasive.  I just only have a 
code name: Banshee."

"Banshee.  Screaming.  That doesn't sound too bad," Jackie laughed.

Okay, so now we have part of the title.  At this point,
I'm wondering why it's "Curse" rather than "Cry" or "Scream"...

The little boy, Li, was stuffing his face, but also keenly 
observing everything she did.  Madison was a little 
know-it-all who had something to say about every little thing 
the hag and her friends said.  Sakura was the strangest of 
the three; she would take some pudding from the spread the 
chef had set out for them, and slip it into her knapsack.  
Kodachi shook her head.

Have to agree with Allyn, upon reflection; I can't quite see
anyone thinking of Tomoyo as a "know-it-all", given how
polite she is.  I guess I could see Kodachi thinking of her
as untrustworthy or deceitful, though, concealing her real
feelings.

Suggest you consider having Kodachi find out about Kero-chan
here, rather than just blankly observing Sakura feeding
Kero.

"Gee, Shaoron," Madison giggled.  "Do I detect some worry for 
Meilin in there?"

Li shrugged.  "She IS my cousin, you know."

Not sure about Chinese practice, but first cousins are not
out of bounds for marriage in many cultures worldwide.

"Then, someone screams.  and Meilin disintegrates to dust."

Nice foreshadowing.  And, of course, we readers now know
how to interpret the "someone screams".

This is the sort of thing Allyn meant by saying that, beneath
all this character recapitulation, your real story is pretty
interesting.  Tidbits like this are what keep your readers
coming back for more.

The other girl looked no older than Jade was, with long black 
hair fixed in pigtails that were topped with the bun-like 
odangos that were popular all over China and Japan.

"Um. excuse me?" she said aloud, in Chinese.

Don't think you need the "in Chinese" here.  What else is
Jade going to use?

ready for an attack.  It also wasn't the yin-yang symbol that 
decorated the front of her adversary's dress.

Yohko:  "Hey, that's my outfit!"

Meilin had been waiting for this Chinese-American girl to 

I'm confused; why does Meilin think Jade is Chinese-American?

She had every intention of testing this American girl before 

Now she thinks Jade is American?  Is she confusing Jade with
the woman Jade is seeking or something?

imposing as she could.  Chinese as her heritage might be, the 
American girl was slovenly - a sweatshirt zipped up over a 
tee-shirt, jeans, sneakers - not fighting clothes at all.  

If true, then why is Jade wearing them?  Personally, assuming
that the jeans are loose enough, I'd think they'd make very
good fighting clothes.  Or are you saying something about
Meilin here?  If so, it's not clear to me.

<clip obligatory fight between heros before teaming up to
fight the real villains>

So:  a lot of space spent on Rei; Kodachi's still around;
everyone's headed for Hong Kong or already there.  Other
than getting the Senshi headed towards Hong Kong, you
haven't made much advance in the plot this chapter, despite
some 50 KB spent on it.

One question would be:  if Rei is some much more important
to the story than the other senshi, why not just send her,
alone, to Hong Kong?  Are the other four really required?

I'm seeing the same strengths and weaknesses as in Chapter 1,
mostly.  There's a pretty good story under here somewhere,
one we get to see hints of now and then.  And there's some
pretty good description every now and then.  Mostly, though,
you use up a lot of space in dialog that doesn't seem to 
have much to do with your story.  Here, for instance, with
the JCA bad guys.

I remain confused to some extent about which changes from
what I know stem from the background Ranma continuity
you're using, and which are yours.  I do think you can
and should make this story more standalone than it is,
though.

>From your prefactory comments, it's probably too late to
edit your first draft very much.  But, hopefully, this will
be of use to you in your next story (and I do hope there
will be a next story).


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