More C&C...

As always, the Standard C&C Disclaimer of DOOM applies: Fireball throwing
Imps may be released when the switch is flipped.

Sorry... wrong DOOM.

Anyhoo, all the below is merely my own not particularly humble opinion. 
All suggestions made may very well be foolish and/or grammatically
incorrect, so take at your own risk.  Serious side effects may occur.

On Mon, 14 Jan 2002 19:05:15 -0800 (PST) Midnight Sun
<midnight_sunus@yahoo.com> writes:

Disclaimer: Ranma and any characters depicted in this
story do not belong to me. I am not making a single
cent off this story. 

Suggest crediting Takahashi in the disclaimer.  It's important to say who
the characters _do_ belong to as well as who they don't.

***= Change in setting or POV. Tread carefully.

Prose may be slippery when wet.

IMPORTANT: 
Please read Author's Notes at the end of the chapter
for important information. 

If any of the information is _really_ important for understanding the
story, I'd suggest either placing a note at the beginning (though a short
one) or integrating it into the story somehow.

This story has been submitted WITHOUT enduring the
scrutiny of a pre-reader. You have been
warned.........


Summary: 
The time is now, but the world is not. This is a land
consumed by eternal night. A realm where the golden
rays of the sun have not been seen for the last 287
years. 

Just a nitpick note- without the sun, the Earth (or an Earth-like world)
would quickly become uninhabitable, even without the temperature drop. 
Without sunlight, how would photosynthesis occur? Without photosynthesis,
the whole food chain quickly collapses...

This is an existence where the darkness deep in
the souls of man has finally been given form.
Creatures of the night exist, dark powers and black
magic are wielded by those who would seek to hunt the
innocent. 

Either change the comma to a semicolon or split into two sentences.

The soft sound of clacking penetrated the night of
day. Shoes against the concrete of an empty sidewalk
brought a monotonous rhythm to the silence all around.
Illumination was not of existence in this area lined
with shops, bakeries, and cafes. 

This is really the pot calling the kettle black (as any of my pre-readers
could tell you) but "Illumination was not of existence" is really overly
verbose and clumsy.  suggest changing the sentence simply to:

"The street, lined with shops, bakeries, and cafes, was not lit."

However a seemingly
prosperous hub of commerce and social interaction was
void of life, as we know it.

"However, this seemingly..."  Also, drop the comma after life.

The only semblance of existence was that of the
soundless fluttering of small orbs of light, the soft
glow being the size of a small marble. These peaceful
creatures gently rode the air on transparent wings,
their light a yielding gold that gave contrast to the
obscurity surrounding them. 

I guess that explains the photosynthesis question... awfully convenient
though.  And if they are as ubiquitous and bright enough as they would
have to be, the world wouldn't really be that dark...

The creatures known as Espers were the only
illumination granted to the woman who walked down the
now barren street. 

Any particular reason why Espers is capitalized?  Also, suggest dropping
now, since the street wasn't not barren earlier (at least in the story).

She was of middle age, and in her
arms was that of a small child of tender age. He slept
quietly in her motherly embrace, the child being a
sweet symbol of innocence in this time of impurity and
corruption. 

Calling the child a symbol is a little... heavy-handed.  Suggest either
rewording or dropping that bit entirely.

Then a sound is entrapped in an ear. Her feet halt and
her auditory sensors perk at a sound that might only
be her imagination. 

Suggest replacing one of the "sound" 's with "noise" 

Her head moves from one to
another, eyes attempting to force their way through
the thick soup of darkness that is patches by dots of
light.

>From one what to another?  Also, patches should be patched I believe.

Predators lurked the streets with her. 

Tense change here.  Everything so far has been present tense.  Change
lurked to lurk.

Dark beings
seeking the rich blood of the unassuming, evils that
feed off the night to make themselves that much
stronger than they already are. 

Sentence fragment.

Her
rasped breathing was the only thing that she could
hear, and the intensity of her drive to get away being
the only thing she could feel. 

Drop the being.

The sounds of her flight were halted by the horrific
presence of twin eyes in the darkness before her. One
could see the twisted malice and mania amidst the
depths of rusted red. She stumbled backward several
steps, only to run into yet another inescapable
barricade. She whirled around only to face the
presence of a second nightmare, but the horror did not
end there. For in the middle of the street to her
left, a third hellish creation did make its presence
known.

Now you're slipping completely in to past tense.  Suggest reworking the
first bits to be past tense as well.

If so, "did make" should change to "made".

All three had a devil's grin that bared fangs that
could only be of a vicious use. Each one exuded an
aura of the evil intent and murderous carnage that was
synonymous with the rank of vampire. These 21st
century bloodsuckers enclosed their target as the
woman could only search frantically for someway,
anyway, to escape the inevitable.

Suggest dropping "21st century".  It seems... awkward.

"Talon, Blade, Crimson! Halt." A detached and
commanding presence bade them to cease their advance. 

One of these two sentences is redundant and probably should be dropped.

Each name was called respectively. 

If you keep the dialogue, this is redundant.  In that case, I suggest
working their names into the descriptions below.  (Which, BTW, seem
awfully long for characters that die during their first appearances...)

The number of
feet separating the oncoming massacre lessened, and
the woman began a short prayer to deity she worshipped
that at least her child be spared a slow and painful
death. 

"...to the deity..." or "...to a deity..."
 

Then there movement ceased suddenly. 

There should be "their" or "the".

The woman slowly opened
her eyes, the pain associated with being eviscerated
being non-existent prompted her to see why she was
still alive. 

Run on sentence.  Suggest:

"The lack of the pain associated with being eviscerated prompted the
woman to slowly open her eyes and see why she was still alive."

Her hand closed into a fist that was then aimed at
Blade, of which Talon and Crimson were on the right
and left of. 

"of whom"  A better way to word would be "...Blade, who was in the center
of the trio."

His eyes only had time to widen slightly
before a tendril of energy shot forth from the top of
the hand. 

Suggest: "...the figure's hand."

Its speed was like a bullet fired from a
gun, and indeed slight recoil could be made out from
the arm of the girl. 

This whole sentence seems rather unnecesary to me.

The
impact buried the wisp partially into its chest before
blowing him clear off his feet and carrying him across
the street. 

"...his chest..."

On the outside, the tendril began to slither and
retract as if it were alive. It retreated back to its
point origin, and when it did the flame that spawned
disappeared in a flicker. 

"origin point" or "point of origin"  Also, "...the flame that spawned
it...".  Also, a flicker of what?

In equivalent, the figure began approaching at a
feverish speed. 

Not sure what you mean by equivalent.  Suggest rewording to be more
clear.

Talon turned to face the newcomer. At
that same time the unknown person leaped forward and
once he again he followed her with his eyes...

"...leapt forward..."

"...and once again he..."

She thought she had been
saved, she should have taken the opportunity to run
for dear life, but her accursed legs would not move.

Changed the comma after saved to a semicolon or split into two sentences.

Now the last of the standing vampires had his vile
intentions back on her and her helpless child. He once
again brought his fangs to bear, and chortled a
vicious laughter that brought images of her own
gruesome slaughter running through her mind.

"...a vicious laugh..."

He expected to see
her head knocked clear off her shoulders; instead his
blow was stopped cold in its path, and by a single
hand. 

"...in its path by a single hand."

He instantly ascertained his situation after
retrieving his wits in mid-air. 

Suggest dropping after and everything after it as redundant.

He
thought this night would be boring, nothing more than
a helpless kill to satisfy his hunger. 

"He had thought..."

She stood in silent wait for the monster to re-emerge,
knowing full well the initial attack was not enough to
finish it. 

"She stood in silence, waiting..."  Also, suggest "...her initial
attack..."

One could almost
feel the earth shake from each footstep of the heavily
muscled of the three known as Blade. 

Suggest dropping "of the three known"
 

His foot touched the outside once again, crushing the
already shattered glass into so much fine powder as he
did. 

Drop "as he did".

He stared at his diminutive opponent, and he
could almost hurl at the fact that this
small...thing...had caused him pain. He would take far
too much joy in tearing IT limb from limb and feed the
rotting corpse to the worms. 

"...and feeding..."

The wrecking
ball of a fist buried itself in the pavement of the
street, his unnatural strength being one of the
greatest of his kind. 

Suggest dropping everything after the comma.

He had expected to a bloody,
pulpy substance upon his knuckles when he withdrew,
instead he found pieces of rock crumbling off his
hand. 

"...to find a bloody..."

He looked up toward the sky, just in time see
her descending upon him feet first. 

Suggest replacing "her" with "his target". 
 

He
growled quite audibly as he caught himself and a hand
became enveloped in a dark fire. 

Change to "...a dark flame." or drop the "a".

He thrust the palm
forward and a jet of demonic flame lanced forward
seeking to consume its target in its infinite
flesh-devouring hunger. 

"He thrust his palm..."

A might explosion lit the air
on impact. 

Might should be mighty.

This time, both her hand were enshrouded
by the same lavender inferno that she produced
earlier. 

"...both her hands..."

Once again they were both closed tightly into
fists, and one tendrils of the same type before shot
from each one. 

Drop the one between "and" and "tendrils" 

He laughed at the utter ineptitude of the girl. Was
she mad enough to try and test her minute strength
against his? Obviously he had given far too much
credit; as little as it was to begin with. 

Replace the semicolon with a comma.

The tug-of-war continued unabated. Any passerby could
clearly see that Blade would be the victor, but it
seems that looks are all too deceiving in this case.

Drop "it seems that"

Her eyes began to glow with unearthly force of a same
color as the tendrils themselves. 

Replace her with Nabiki or The woman's

He fought
with all his strength but for some reason he could no
longer rival that of his enemy who was two times his
lesser in height and build.

"...for some reason it..."
 

Her
eyes still burned with the same psionic energy that
did energize her hands. 

"...that energized her hands."

His physical strength may have
been more than she could ever match, but it was
nothing compared to the strength of her mind. It was
sharper and keener than any her age, and it showed by
the intensity of the flames she commanded.

"...it showed in..."

With but a
flicker of thought, Nabiki sent a pulse surging
through the tendril. His eyes shot open as his brain
exploded in its shell.

"Blade's eyes..." or "The vampire's eyes..."
 

Talon rolled to his feet after being kicked for who
knows how far. 

Suggest rewording this sentence.  "Who knows how far" is a bit informal
for narration.

He rubbed his chin that burned in
intense agony. 

"...his chin, which..."

Talon took this opportunity to strike. He straightened
the fingers of one hand and by force of will formed a
single blade around them, composed of the same power
that all vampires could wield. 

Drop "that all vampires could wield".  It doesn't quite parse properly
and has already been sufficiently demonstrated. :)

"It's not safe outside in the afternoon," She told
her. "You should get home quickly, we will make sure
you're not followed."

If the world is eternally dark, why would their be any distinction
between times of day?

"I look forward to the amusement," He grinned. "You
three have been quite the irritation to me as of late,
denying my followers refreshment at every turn is
causing quite some restlessness."

He should be lowercased.

"Spirited as ever," He murmured as he brought his gaze
over the oldest of the three.

Ditto.

Deep in the forests of evergreen and bushel, even
Mother Nature has found the means to survive in a land
where its once glorious giver of nourishment existed.

"...no longer existed."  Looks like my photosynthesis quesiton is about
to be answered...

At the head of this pack is a pigtailed boy, probably
sixteen or seventeen years old. His dress seems of a
foreign influence. He bears a long sleeved Chinese
oriented shirt of a green texture in color, as well as
blackened pants. 

Drop "oriented".  And you're falling into present tense again.

Four of the five each carried medium sized backpacks,
but it was the man taking the right side the boar the
largest load. 

Boar should be bore.

Their destination was still some days away and
the last thing they wanted was unnecessary
roughhousing, they knew it to be inevitable. 

"...rooughhousing, but they..."
 

Hearing was the also a recipient of this miraculous
treatment. 

Drop the "the".

"They're coming..." She whispered quietly.

She should be lowercased.

The wolf showed as much care for the dead as
it did for the living, it simply the cadaver to one
side and made his bid for the meal on legs. 

Simply what?

Ryoga
kicked to his feet and met the manimal head-on. 

Manimal should be animal.

His claws only sliced defenseless space as his
continued attacks were effortlessly avoided. Her
entire body appeared to have gone limp, but her minute
movements always brought her clear out of the beasts
killing range. 

Need an apostrophe in beasts.

It was a vice that the wolf
could not escape from no matter how hard he tugged.

Vice should be vise, I think... I could very well be wrong though.


Overall comments...

You have a strong tendency to use overly verbose writing.  I'd suggest
trying to write a little bit simpler... as is its almost a chore to read
some parts.  But then, I'm hardly qualified to give stylistic commentary,
so feel free to ignore me.

Storywise... there's potential here, but I'm not quite hooked yet... I'll
definitely give the next part a once through, though, to see how it
develops. Whether I read on from there depnds on how interesting the next
part is.

You definitely have a knack for vivid description though.  Makes me a bit
envious.  ;)


           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/
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