Troy Thomas wrote:
***
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http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/fanfiction/entrance.html
I hate my e-mail signature, because it's not long enough to say anythin
I've read this one before. Have I? Maybe I haven't.
Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the creations and properties
of Rumiko Takahashi. Tenchi Muyo and its characters are the
creations and properties of Masaki Kajishima. Excepting
flames, if you have any comments or criticisms, feel free to
send them my way.
I THINK I've read it before.
"He's fine." a nurse replied, soothingly. "He just woke up,
in fact." Her voice was very jovial.
fine." a nurse -- fine," a nurse
"Hi, Ranma." Tenchi said. "I'm so happy you're okay."
Ranma." Tenchi -- Ranma," Tenchi
"She was awake almost all last night. I wonder if she just
went to sleep?" Tenchi mentioned. He looked towards the open
door, and then asked, "Could we get some water in here?"
I would suggest dropping 'Tenchi mentioned'.
Tenchi looked at Ranma, smiling. "Sir? I'm younger than her!"
He shrugged. He looked at his Auntie Nodoka, and then back at
Ranma. "You want to know how long you've been out?"
He shrugged. He looked -- stilted. You might want to see what you can
change to make that flow more smoothly.
"The tournament was two days ago." Tenchi smiled.
Tenchi smiled. -- that's a bit of a weak descriptor. Falls a little
flat, really. :/
'Kamen. He said he'd come back.' Ranma suddenly remembered.
He placed aside the empty cup, and threw off his blankets.
Swinging his legs over the bedside, he was suddenly overcome
with an exhaustion, like a heavy quilt over his heart.
Kamen? I must have missed a few chapters.
"Tenchi, Kamen's coming back." Ranma said, his voice worried.
"I couldn't stop him. I need to start training before he
returns."
back." Ranma -- back," Ranma
"Not now." Tenchi replied, before exiting the room.
now." Tenchi -- now," Tenchi
***
%
Tenchi alone sat in the living room watching outside his
grandfather and Mister Tendo speak quietly. He knew of what,
about returning to the shrine to grab his belongings. He
supposed he also had to grab Ranma's belongings.
Is that '%' supposed to be there?
That first sentence is awwkard, you might want to reword it.
'The cave...I can finally find out what's in the cave.' he
thought, brushing aside his feelings, which told him his
grandfather didn't want him to enter the cave, for an old and
foolish superstition.
cave.' he -- cave,' he
"It's, it's nothing." Ranma looked at his hand. 'It's not
strong enough, I guess.' He flexed and relaxed it. 'I need to
be stronger.'
It's, it's nothing -- It's nothing -OR- It's -- it's nothing. (suggested)
Katsuhito himself was lost in thought, but he somehow
answered Noboyuki with a quick nod.
Who's PoV is this from?
Tenchi remained silent, returning his gaze towards the land
passing by, or the sights he was passing, in retrospect. 'I'm
bored.' he decided.
by, or -- by; or (suggested)
bored.' he -- bored,' he
"We're home." Noboyuki said. "We'll be spending the night,
and the tommorow we'll head out back to Tokyo."
home." Noboyuki -- home," Noboyuki
"I thought we'd be spending a couple nights, Dad." Tenchi
protested.
Dad." Tenchi -- Dad," Tenchi
"I don't think she's his girlfriend, Dad." Tenchi said.
Dad." Tenchi -- Dad," Tenchi
She's not? I must have missed more than I thought....
"Ooh, are we getting jeaous?" Noboyuki asked, his eyes
glinting over with mischieviousness. "You don't want her to
his girlfriend?" he asked, emphasising the word his.
her to his -- her to (be) his (?)
It raced, but it had no competition.
It flew around trees, through leaves, and over roots.
Its destination...
***
He suddenly was chilled, right to his bone. "Wow, this wind's
cold..."
Tenchi hugged himself, and looked to the stairs.
"I guess I should go back..."
***
Its destination...
It rushed ahead...
I like this part.
He reached, a gate? "I've never been here before." he
suddenly realised.
before." he -- before," he
He reached forward, key pointed forward.
Repetition, 'forward'.
The key entered the lock, and then Tenchi turned the key...
The gate opened, as a sunrise against a cold and long night.
Freedom and redemption erupted into the world.
But he didn't break the seal yet....
And then Tenchi walked into the cave.
Interesting.
End Chapter Seven
I like it. I'd like to see more. :)