I was inspired to try C&Cing this by reading through the
"why I didn't" comments. Adrian's commentary caught my eye
specifically, as one of my current projects is a massive
crossover of obscure magical girl series.
Caveat on my own background: I know SM reasonably well,
with the Japanese material primary; I've seen the first
twelve episodes of CCS, in the Japanese; I've never
watched JCA (didn't know such a thing existed, actually).
As always, everything is my opinion only; take what you
find useful and ignore the rest.
[Disclaimer list: characters from Sailor Moon, Jackie Chan
Adventures, and Cardcaptors are not used by permission, but
I agree with Allyn that I prefer to see the creators credited
in a disclaimer.
sense. I must ask Japanese-speaking fans to please not be
offended by my use of American names during the course of this
story. I am more familiar with these names than the Japanese
ones,
A bit of a turn-off for me, but I'll try to keep it in mind.
Davies used the American names in 'Together Again', which doesn't
help the story, but doesn't prevent it from being very good.
One more note - I spell magick with a k. This is not a
misspelling, but a differentiation between, say, Clow cards
and sleight-of-hand. Magick is real; magic is illusion.
Two comments here:
1) Not sure you need the note; I think it's obvious in context
2) Not sure the differentiation is even good in principle;
if you were to add KST, for instance (per Scott's comment),
you'd be hurting yourself, I think. You might WANT the
ambiguity. And, since the spelling difference can't be heard,
any bystander characters are still not getting the distinction.
***Lan Tao, Southern Hong Kong***
This is the island were the new airport is, right?
Purple-orange light danced through the sky as a far-off storm
roiled over the strait of Zhujiangkou, its clouds playing tag
with the sunset. Lightning rippled through them as though
waving the sun farewell for the evening, probably causing the
people of Macau to dash for cover before the heavy
storm hit.
Nice start, once we get to it. Like some of the other C&Cers,
I'd suggest getting to the actual start of your story a bit
quicker; you're more likely to catch someone's interest. Also,
I personally would have worked the setting into the first
paragraph itself instead of the line above it.
She trailed off, looking at an island to the south.
Hmm... South of Lantau? Getting into a pretty isolated
section of Hong Kong, there...
Rising high in the distance, she could see the tall, silver
towers that had appeared on the island during the semester
she'd been away in Tokyo. Four months ago, that island had
been green on sunny days, and shrouded in mist on darker
ones. On those days, when she was younger, she used to pretend
it was an enchanted island, with spirits that would whisk her
away and beg her to marry their prince.
Overall effect here is that her concern is more subjective
than objective, unless the "tall, silver towers" are supposed
to be something OTHER than just like the skyscrapers on the
north side of Hong Kong Island. If so, suggest you describe
them better; if not, okay (so far).
She was not that much older than those carefree days - ten
years old, now, but a foot taller and almost a full deck of
Clow cards later. Now, if those spirits tried to whisk her
away, she would have to refuse their offer, because her heart
belonged to another. She had followed Li Shaoron to
Tokyo in her love, had even defended him against a powerful
Clow card, a dangerous one - the Fight Card.
My reaction at this point is that this is more detail than
we need to know. You might want to name this person up front,
too. For people who haven't seen any of CCS, this is just
confusing (all they really need to know at this point is
that she loves Li Shaoron and both have paranormal abilities).
For people who've seen part of CCS, like me, this is still
a bit confusing.
And because she was part of a team, she had to let the team know there
was danger from a new source.
Given that we readers think, at this point, that her worries
might be completely subjective, mightn't she also worry about
whether or not they'll be convinced?
As time passed, though, she began to realize people were
SCARED of this place, and she began to wonder why. As more
of her kinsmen refused to answer her questions,
Again, I'm a bit confused. She and Li Shaoron have some
magickal abilities; didn't they get them from these kinsmen
(at least, some of them)? None of the adults are doing
anything? And, if THIS girl has almost all the clow cards,
what do Sakura and Li add?
as she looked out from her perch to the distant island. It
wasn't even part of Hong Kong, and she didn't know what country
it belonged to. China, like the islands around her own?
Portugal, like Macau? Or was it simply the property of those
silver spikes?
I assume this is set more than three years ago? (Macau is
now owned by China, not Portugal.) Might want to specify a
date somewhere, so that readers now or in the future aren't
disconcerted. Also, the whole thought just seems a bit off
for a ten-year-old; didn't she ever stand in this spot and
have an adult point to every island in site, and say who it
belonged to?
Hot tears appeared in her eyes as the helicopter flew in for
its landing, coming from somewhere in the south.
The helicopter comes from further south? Wouldn't that
be open sea?
***New Kowloon, Mainland Hong Kong***
"But Jackie, if you take me back to Mom and Dad's house,
they'll want me to stay!"
Jackie Chan raised an eyebrow at his niece, Jade.
"Is that a bad thing?" he asked. "They're your parents!"
For those readers who don't know JCA, I'd try to work in
Jade's age fairly quickly here. The reader's reaction to
this debate will be very different depending on what age
they take Jade to be.
Jackie Chan, global adventurer and famous martial artist,
felt his knees weaken at the sight of his niece's puppy-dog
look, and once again marveled at how much an eleven-year-old
could change his whole life.
Okay, here it is. Still wouldn't hurt to give it earlier.
As a reader who knows nothing about JCA, I find the "global
adventurer and famous martial artist" disorienting at
first, but, upon a bit more thought, it is probably necessary
here, especially if Jackie is NOT a movie star in this
continuity (I don't think you ever tell us, actually; you
might want to specifically tell us, either way).
Jade was a nuisance, a pest, always getting into trouble that
HE had to save her from. In fact, she was only even in Hong
Kong with him because she had stowed away on one of Section
13's helicopters - piloted, no less, by the infamous criminal
Valmont and his gang of thugs during their escape from Section
13's headquarters - when they had come here to stop the demon
Shendu from opening a rift into another dimension.
Again, I don't think we really need all this detail here; it
suffices to end with "one of Section 13's helicopters." That
tells us something about Jade, with getting into confusing
detail that we don't seem to need to know here.
talisman's magickal fire beam. *[Episode 13, Jackie Chan Adventures]
I kind of like your footnote style here. It's clear that it
is a footnote, without requiring me to scroll elsewhere.
More than that, Jade had worked her way into Jackie's heart
in a way he never expected. She made him feel warm, proud,
and scared, all at once.
Umm... exactly how old is Jackie supposed to be in this continuity?
He's 47 in real life (a quick web check says). If he's supposed
to be considerably younger here, you probably ought to tell us.
He worried about her when she got into trouble, even though
she was almost as skilled as he was in the martial arts, if not as
disciplined or experienced.
An eleven-year-old girl? (raises eyebrow) That's... an exageration
of the possible on a par with much of Ranma. How does Jackie
feel about all his years of training apparently meaning nothing,
if an eleven-year-old can be "almost as skilled"?
adored as much as he adored his spirited niece. All these feelings
confused him, made him giddy and uneasy all at once. Many times, he
wondered what they were.
Gawd, I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying
here... a 47-year-old uncle and his 11-year-old niece?
And now, he wanted to tell her that life in San Francisco
would not be the same without her, that there would be a
gaping hole in his life if she wasn't there. He'd been in
love with many women before, but his love for Jade was a new
experience, and it took all of his strength not to wrap her
up in his arms and tell her she could live with him forever.
Not sure how much of this is from the JCA source material, and
how much you've added. But as the supposed thoughts of a
47-year-old male, my suspension of disbelief has just dropped
through the floor (OTOH, I could easily see this being Jade's
fantasy of what he's thinking.)
To be blunt, the last clause looks suspiciously like it came
from a romance novel. Which is fine, if you're specifically
targeting a female readership; just be aware that you've just
persuaded any male readers not to trust you as a narrator.
Men (some, anyway) might SAY something like that, knowing that
many women would eat it up. But I've never met a man who
would THINK such a thing.
"Jade learn nothing of family honor since coming to San Francisco?"
Huh? I thought they were in Hong Kong?
"Lie?" Jackie asked, bewildered.
"Yes, lie, like Chinese rug," Uncle said, his mouth full of
rice ball.
<clip>
"If head says sky blue, but heart says sky wide, what you
believe?"
"But, Uncle, both of those things are true," Jackie felt more
Good dialog for Uncle, I think (I assume this is similar in
flavor to the original material). I get a real feel for this
character here.
Jackie smiled, thinking about Superman. As a young child,
he'd enjoyed those comics as much as Jade enjoyed hers, whether
her manga or her Troll Cop comics. For an Oriental girl from
Hong Kong, she was almost more American than he - even the
manga were in English.
??? Very confusing. Jackie Chan is an oriental man from
Hong Kong; why is "she almost more American than he"? And why
is she reading manga in English? (Are they even readily available
in Hong Kong anymore? There was an article in FEER a while back
bemoaning the rapid disappearance of English in Hong Kong
public life since handover.)
Over the forty-eight hours since they'd arrived in Hong Kong, the
importance of that did not escape her. In fact, the more she
thought about it, the more it weighed on her. Would she ever
get to save the world again? Would she do it alone, or with
Jackie and Uncle? If she did it alone, would it be as much fun?
Not sure how to interpret this paragraph. Last three questions
are clearly from Jade's perspective, but what about the beginning?
"Weighed on" seems wrong, given what she thinks later, but it's
clearly wrong from an omniscient perspective as well, since she's
worrying about "fun" two sentences later instead of hoping it
never again arises.
For Jackie, however, he was King of the World! The entire Dark Hand
could come after him right now, and he'd be invincible! He'd
fight like a lion, because he was - (insert drum roll here) -
JADE'S HERO!!!
(Hack! Cough! Choke!) Again, is this really supposed to reflect
the thoughts of a forty-seven-year-old seasoned warrior? If so,
it fails abysmally.
(If Jackie actually thinks like this in voice-overs in JCA, then
I'm glad I've never watched it.)
He couldn't help wishing he could admonish Uncle for being
wrong about which part of the body could soar. The little
girl holding his hand worshipped him,
Here's the problem: men read this, and know all too well
"which part of the body" starts to "soar". But this is an
eleven-year-old girl!
I can't comment on the JCA source material, obviously. But
I can comment on the source material for SM and CCS, and you'll
note that we NEVER get into the heads of those bishonen,
personality-lacking love interests, Mamoru and Yukito. There's
a very good reason for that. As long as we don't, male readers
are simply disinterested in these characters, nothing worse;
they remain merely blank slates, onto which the female leads
can project their longings. If we DID get into their thoughts,
the creators would have a choice: either make them real males,
which would be something like Takeo from Magic User's Club,
or make them unreal males, like Jackie is here, and lose any
male audience, permanently.
If this does not reflect the JCA source material, I suggest
you change as follows: have Jackie's head turn sharply every
time a well-endowed woman walks by, and have Jade smack him
for it. Very Japanese humor, very much more like Jackie is
in several of his movies than he is presented here.
agent said. He looked ready for an invasion, strapped as he was with
guns and high-tech gadgetry beneath his black trench-coat.
In Hong Kong? You might want to mention which government "Section
13" is with, or if it is international; I don't think you ever
quite do.
There was something in his eyes, begging Jackie to ask him...
"Is there anything I can do?" His mouth had moved on automatic;
he'd had enough adventure to last a while, and just wanted to go
home to San Francisco and relax.
Didn't this guy just say that Jackie had work to do?
Also, what's up with Jackie living in San Francisco? Doesn't
he live in Hong Kong in real life? If this JCA version of Jackie
Chan has a different biography, I suggest you tell us.
"Well, despite the fact she's outwitted some of my best
agents, I suppose I can," Captain Black smirked. "As a
matter of national security."
Again, I think lack of familiarity with JCA source material
is getting in the way here. For an intelligence supervisor
to admit such a thing about an eleven-year-old girl (regardless
of the facts), he has to be deliberately acting, and he
expects all adults within hearing to know it.
And here we have "national security". Assuming that this
means U.S. national security, rather than, say, Chinese
national security, why are they meeting casually in
Hong Kong? And is this Jackie an American citizen? If
this IS Chinese national security, why is this guy named
'Black'? More detail would help here.
"She hates me," he said, astounded, as Black and Uncle caught
up to him. "She hates me."
Again, forty-seven year old men know better than to take
anything an eleven-year-old says at face value.
"I hate him!" Jade was saying outside as the agent literally
threw her in the back of his black Caprice Classic.
I assume this is a local rental? Then why an American car?
"Read the sign," Jade pointed. The agent looked at it for a moment.
"I can't," he said. "It's Chinese to me."
Jade looked up at the sign, then rolled her eyes.
"That's because it IS Chinese. But the little stick figure
is wearing a skirt. That means this is the girls room."
Exactly where does Section 13 find these guys? This guy is
supposed to be an intelligence agent?
of fighting ribbons. Both were clad only in bikinis of very
thin fabric,
Bikinis? For Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics? Not gymnastic
leotards?
the Chinese girl, then at the last second, tucked away from her. The
Chinese girl's momentum was going forward and over Akane, so using her
tangled ribbons to send the Chinese girl with it was a simple
thing. The ribbon holding hers went limp, freeing them from its grasp.
Pretty good fight scene description here, I thought.
"Nothing up sleeves - no sleeves. No tricks, just ribbon,"
St Tail: "Hey, that's my schtick!"
"Not the Negaverse again!" she whined.
(wince) Ack! MUST you, even if you have to use the American
names? To my mind, attributing every antagonist to the
Negaverse is a far greater sin of the American dub than
the names.
The black cat frowned. "Why would the Negaverse be in
Hong Kong?"
"Negaverse negative energy, yes-no?" Zhu Shu asked the cat.
When the cat nodded, Zhu Shu added, "Maybe not Negaverse.
Maybe some other type."
...especially when you don't seem to be using the Negaverse
conceit anyway...
"Zhu Shu, we're leaving for China TOMORROW!" Akane exclaimed
with a nervous squeal. "Remember, betrothal ceremony, Amazon
village, me and Shampoo?"
...Okay... Clearly this is using some Ranma background material
I'm not familiar with. Suggest you either post warning at
top, that such familiarity is a good idea, or (better yet)
just rewrite a bit here to avoid needing it. You could,
for instance, just leave Akane's first sentence in, and
get rid of the second, or change it to: "Remember, we're
going to visit the Chinese Amazon village?"
"Zhu Shu not forget," the Chinese girl smiled at her dear
friend. "Have much business in China. Hong Kong not out of
way."
Well, it's not if they were going through it anyway.
Presumably they already have their air tickets, and Akane
either has a visa for China, or is planning to get one in
Hong Kong. So, either it IS out of the way, as they were
flying Tokyo-Beijing-Xining (or Chengdu, possibly), or
Zhu Shu should just say "We're going by way of Hong Kong
anyway, and we need twenty-four hours to get your visa
for the interior."
"Well, I agree with Ami," Akane said. "I've got a future
husband AND a future wife, and my husband has almost as many
enemies as you do."
Where is Ranma through this, anyway? Just curious, but
I'd think a lot of readers would be.
Again, suggest you try to reword so as to not mention non-
canonical Ranma background. You don't seem to really need
it; Zhu Shu's presence doesn't particularly bother me by
itself, as new characters in Ranma fanfics are a dime a
dozen.
She smiled as she left, waving goodbye to the five girls who
were secretly famous as the Sailor Scouts. Ami, with the
computer, was Sailor Mercury, whose shabon and ice attacks
had broken the ice with more than one foe.
The long-haired blonde with the red ribbon was Sailor Venus,
whose Crescent Beam had saved them in battle with Zoicite and
Malachite, two of Queen Beryl's top generals. Rei was Sailor
Mars, Shinto priestess and champion of Fire, and more than
one Nega-villian had been burned by her in a fight. Lita
was Sailor Jupiter, wielder of lightning and electricity,
as shocking in power as in her Amazon height.
A number of things here:
1) On this list, you don't really need this paragraph, IMO.
2) But, given it, the point of view is unclear. You begin
as though Akane is thinking this, but surely Akane doesn't
know all these details (battle with Zoicite and Malachite)?
3) FYI, while I personally don't care, I've seen other
readers on the list complain when a mix of American dub
and Japanese names are used. Specifically, I've seen
authors picked at for using "Rei" instead of "Raye" and
"Ami" instead of "Amy" when "Lita", "Serena", and "Mina"
are being used.
4) Describing Mercury's attacks as "shabon and ice" seems
to vary from your stated goals, "shabon" being a Japanese
word. Why not just "bubbles"? Or "fog"?
5) The whole tone of your descriptions bothers me somehow,
though I'm having a hard time pinpointing why. Too facile,
perhaps, given that we're supposed to be taking the girls
seriously. This is almost more like a sarcastic Ranma
would describe them, reminiscient of how Akane describes
Sailor Mercury in D.B.Sommer's "Those Who Hunt Ninjas":
"We have a lousy superficial resemblance to one another
and everyone thinks I should-" *THUMP* "-start running
around, blowing bubbles at every Youma that comes by
trying to hit me with a mistrust beam or some other lamo
attack!"
If you MUST describe the Sailors, to readers who've never
encountered them, I think a more sober account is in
order. Also, I'm not sure we need their individual powers
yet; more important to get a general idea. Something like:
She smiled as she left, waving goodbye to the five girls
who were secretly the famous Sailor Scouts, a team of
warriors reincarnated from an ancient kingdom to fight
evil. All five wielded elemental powers, and the five
had been through many battles together.
Ironically, their leader was Serena, the whiny pig-tail girl.
KUNOU: "Pig-tailed girl? Where? I must have them both!"
if the masses knew their hero was a fifteen-year-old girl with
more interest in boys and manga than saving the world, would it
make them wonder?
They don't know? Aren't they paying attention, every time she
appears in public?
Zhu Shu took them under her wing, being an expert martial artist and a
master with many weapons. She was the sole heir of the Song School of
Sword Dance,
Nice name. It gives a pretty good picture right there.
"Well, we've been talking," Sailor Venus said. "And even
though you have
a pen, we don't want to see you in danger, especially OUR kind of
danger."
Do you really need to tell us that Zhu has a pen? It raises
quite a few questions in my mind, ones which you don't answer,
and it doesn't even appear that I need to know the answer.
Also, did you really need to mention the Doom Tree? For readers
familiar with the series, it helps place these events, but
for readers unfamiliar, it would probably just seem confusing.
Kodachi was too far away to hear what was being said, but she had
observed the lesson with interest. Watching the beautiful
goddess that was both her greatest love AND the rival for her
greatest love, she had sighed with pleasure.
I think at this point I have to agree with some of the other
commentators. Do you REALLY need to introduce Kodachi? Why
can't Tomoyo have a private jet?
Just days ago, Akane had beaten her in the martial rhythmic
gymnastics match between Fuurikan High School and her own
St. Bacchus School for Girls.
<clip>
Like that brat her sophomore year. The girl was the best
rhythmic gymnast at St. Bacchus. But a few well-placed rumors
later, and the girl was kicked out of St. Bacchus and branded
"karate maniac," a title which Kodachi had
ensured she would carry to the next school she went to.
(Sigh) Do we REALLY need to know all this for your story?
Akane beating Kodachi in Kodachi's sport implies that this
is a VERY divergent timeline, but I don't see anything (yet)
which requires your readers to know this.
She couldn't stop her amused giggles as she trailed the
Chinese hag and her five peons all the way to Juuban Mall...
...in Minato-ku, a fair train ride from Nerima, but
Kodachi had time to burn...
Shu listened intently, Ami continued, "This is bigger, and
also from Hong Kong. I can't believe it's a coincidence they
both come from the same place."
Confusing: Zhu came from Hong Kong, or the first spike did?
If the first, why can't Ami believe it's a coincidence?
Having spent the night on a damp, dank, cargo ship, the yellowed
parchment was none the worse for wear. The wax was still stiff, the
symbol emblazoned on it never fading. And as the postal
worker carrying it made his way toward the home of its addressee,
Are we supposed to understand that the letter to Li from Li
came by ship, and still made it in less than twenty-four hours?
Suggest it came by air...
"I only recognized a few of them," Madison wrinkled her brow.
"I know you recognized Mina Aino, star of all the Sailor V movies.
And the tall one was Lita Kino, the gymnast. But I don't know
who any of the others were."
It's not clear to me if you are informing us of divergent background
which you've made up, was in "Ranma 1/2 - The Mandarin", or this
is in some part of the American dub I haven't seen. (Canonically,
all five girls are normal in the civvie identity, which is the
whole point, kind of.)
"The Chinese girl was beautiful," Sakura said wistfully, her
hand self-consciously rising to her short light-brown hair.
"If I looked like that, Julian would notice me for sure."
While I've never been a ten-year-old girl, I'd think she'd
feel that Julian would notice her if she simply were older.
(I assume "Julian" is the dub name for Yukito?)
Holding up the key, she added, "Oh Key of Clow, power of magick, power
of Light! Surrender the Wand, the force ignite! Release!"
(gag) Is that really the dub version of Sakura's chant? (shudder)
Suddenly, she realized these babies could be useful after all...
Uh... because she can make a wand appear? Shouldn't she do
something else before Kodachi is convinced?
"I have money," Kodachi said, sitting up and facing them
eye-to-eye. "Lots of money."
"My mom makes lots of money, too," Madison retorted.
Good point. Tomoyo is far richer than manga-Kodachi, if
less so than anime-Kodachi. I assume, from the private jet,
that this is more of an anime-Kodachi?
"And," she said. "I'm a big bully with a private jet."
Sakura narrowed her eyes. "I don't know if we can trust
you," she said. "You DID try to attack us."
Did Sakura's father never warn her about going with strangers?
Her brother MUST have, with his attitude.
Should you decide it is necessary to go to Hong Kong, I will
give you use of my jet."
<clip>
Kodachi narrowed her eyes. How in the world could she ensure
that they decided to come?
<clip>
very dangerous. If you're really concerned for your friend,
you need my help defeating her. I know a lot about her."
It's not clear to me what Kodachi is thinking here. Is
she planning to go to Hong Kong, or is she just extending
the invitation to get the tape? Given her earlier characterization,
I'd have thought she'd be itching to get back to Nerima to
continue spying on Akane. Now, you may have good reasons to
not tell us; if so, this text is probably appropriate. But
if this is supposed to be clear, IMO it's not.
"Well, she's supposedly a real inspiration to the St. Bacchus's
team,"
Now THERE'S a real departure from canon...
Madison informed her. "And she's involved in a lot of
charities, because she's so rich."
<clip>
Madison shrugged. "All I know is what I've seen on
television," she said.
Suggest Madison knows this from prior meetings, or her
mother has mentioned Kodachi before. They're both
extremely rich, to the point where they might know
of each other; why not use that fact here?
He paused his game and gave her his full attention, noticing Li and
Madison for the first time.
"Woah, this IS serious, kid," he said to Li. "Usually, when
you see me, you've got a smart remark. What's going on?"
Is this really the way Kero-chan speaks in the dub? Quite
different from the original.
Madison picked up the phone and dialed the number on the Black Rose's
business card. The others observed as she waited a moment.
"Hello, Miss Kuno? Yes, we met earlier. I have some video
footage you wanted...? Well, when does our flight leave?
We'll give it to you when we get on the plane..."
Kodachi is already home? That was fast. Sakura and Madison
had a few blocks to walk; Kodachi had to go from within
walking distance of the Tokyo Tower to Nerima. She certainly
didn't get there running over rooftops.
Hmmm... overall comments: while I'll probably read part II,
as it's already posted, I'm not really into this story.
You haven't hooked me enough. You've spent too much time
rounding up your characters, and not enough making me really,
really want to know what's going on back on Lantau Island.
Suggest cutting back to Lantau every once in a while for
short, ominous events.
I find I'm not as bothered as Adrian by the multiplicity of
characters per se, as I know most of them. However, it would
be a good idea to try to cut out those you aren't really
planning to use. Also, the introductory descriptions you
give for each series' characters could be improved; I don't
think you convey the right info for readers who are really
ignorant of that series. Too much info in unneeded places,
not enough in others (how old *IS* this Jackie, anyway)?
You start with good description, and give us tiny bits of
additional good description, but not much. More would be good,
since you seem to be good at it.
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