Aaron E Nowack wrote:

Why do you people insist on writing fanfiction I like? Don't you
realise this C&C is cutting into my drinking time?

And a short recap would be nice.

The clash of battle once more filled the air, followed moments later by
the screams of the wounded and dying.

To say nothing of ChibiUsa's blind date.

The former general leapt out of the way, narrowly dodging the attacky.

ri-ight

Quick note: While overuse of commas is technically better, I'd
advise caution. Bits like just previously "he said, smirking."
don't really need it. When using a comma to represent a pause in
text remember that works best in dialogue, which narration isn't.
In this case at least.

The wave of flame and explosions sped towards the Dragon, which tried to >get out of the way, its massive bulk for once a liability.

Break that up.

       But Jadeite knew the attack was nowhere near strong enough to
seriously harm the beast.

Starting a sentence with a conjunction is bad. A paragraph is
worse. "However, Unfortunately, In spite of, etc."

grasping at his now wounded shoulder.

Of course its wounded now. When else would it be?

Mordrangar said, knowing that he could impale the human with
one of his claws faster than Jadeite could get off a spell that could
hurt him. ... "Hellfire!"

Either that's not a spell or Mordrangar didn't know it. He
thought it. You are the third person omniscient narrator. Maybe
...confident he could... or such?

The Dragon stumbled away from Jadeite, momentarily stunned by the force >of the attack.

Is Dragon supposed to be a proper noun there? There being three
others and all, it looks odd.

"You'll have to defeat me first."  And with that, the battle was
joined once more.

first," and with that the 

No comma after that.

Things had gotten pretty boring at times without his friends to hang out >with.  But he knew that these things went in cycles, and that probably in >a month or so he'd be seeing them so often he'd get sick of them.

Please, please don't do that. Compound sentences starting with
conjunctions? It burns.

I really get into my grammar editting. Fun, fun, fun.

Poseidon was ready to awaken.  And now all he had to
do was figure out which member of the foursome it was.

awaken, and now

Meno followed the group for a while, hoping that they would
split up and therefore allow him to determine which was the cause of the
faint signal, but it quickly became obvious that they were not planning
to disperse for some time.

split that

Then, he'd find Hades.  

Then he would find Hades.

And after that, there was a war to win.

After that there was...

For as long as it existed, it would be remembered as
Beryl's, not Jadeite's, nor as a possession of whoever would take it
after him.

This would later piss Ikari Gendo off to no end, causing him to
take out his frustration by ruining his son's life. 

All this in the middle of the Earth Dragon's invasion, as well.

invasion. as well redundant.

       Of course, the court had hardly known anything but chaos since
Jadeite's sudden return, in any case.

of course and in any case redundant. I'd nix the in any case but
thats for tone problems, not grammar.

One moment, the Mountains of Desolation were a vassal, the next they were >a deadly enemy.

Kill both commas, put a semicolon in for the second.

She had come up with that excuse in advance.
       "Mind if I tag along?" Uji inquired.  "I don't really have
anything to do right now."

Nelson laugh. "HA HA!"

She was acting...evasive.  That was unusual for her, Uji knew, even >though the two were not particularly close.  Something was up... and Uji >was quite curious as to what it was.

Two ellipses, used wrong, same paragraph. Stilted prose, hurting
brain. 

At least the Outers weren't going to be there today... the
quiet disappointment in their eyes was even worse than Rei's more vocal
expression of the same emotion.

Mamoru's policy of "No Nookie for a Week" was the worst of all.

"It seems logical to assume that there would be as
many of them as there are of us.

That's pretty optomistic. Hell, I'd assume they outnumber us
eight to one. 

A few moments later, introductions were complete, and the business of
the meeting had begun.

Second time you've used 'business of the meeting' phrase to open
a heroic discussion. Parallelism's kinda interesting.

A silence filled the room, until it was shattered by a beep from
Meno's computer.  Meno smiled and punched out a quick sequence of
commands.  "What was that?" Sachiko asked.
       "Nothing really," Meno said.  "Just the results of a little side
project of mine.

Hmm. Both computer's beeping simultaneously, both "nothing
really." I predict they'll all die. Gruesomely.

Hoshi opened his eyes, and began to search the room for the
sword he half-remembered appearing in his hands. 

no comma

For some sign that he wasn't going insane, and that what had just >occurred wasn't some hallucination.

Compound fragment. That's actually fairly impressive. Wrong, but
hard to do.

       Then, the front wall of the Crown exploded.
       After that, several things happened at once.

Mandatory comma nitpick: nix both of them
Mandatory sarcastic witticism: Well gee, you mean the wall
exploding is an introduction to something?

Alien thoughts and concepts paraded through his consciousness, and Hoshi >found himself struggled to maintain his sanity in the flood of madness >that had engulfed him.

heh. cool.

       Who was he?

Lucius, reincarnated head plumber to Serenity?

It was a pity that her requests for budget extensions to upgrade the
school paper's equipment were ignored.

Little did she know the budget committee had granted every
request. Fortunately, the ink boys had been drinking away the
extra cash.

Had he been unwounded, it would have been a trivial matter to escape, but >the dark lord was hanging on the consciousness by a measure even slimmer 

onto 

than that with which he was hanging onto the canyon wall, and was in no >condition to summon the strength necessary to escape.

wall and

Jadeite smiled, and prepared his counterattack.

smiled and

The youma were gone, destroyed or returned back to the twisted hell they >originated from.

returned to the 

But, at the time, suspicious minds were able to see it as the beginning >of a treacherous attack.

Utter opinion but I'd nix everything before suspicious.

Behind this, they would be safe for the moment, until they could launch a >counter-assault. 

Dear God man, I weep for your keyboards comma button. Kill all of
those.
For the moment is redundant as well.

But something inside him, perhaps that "photographer's instinct"
some of the paper's more regular contributors spoke of, told him that he
absolutely had to get a clear view of the battle.

since photographer's instinct is an indirect quote, I'd advise
single quotes.'lkasdhfg' And it wasn't instinct, it was
stupidity.

And with three words, similar to those with which Sachiko had shocked him >a brief time ago. he summoned that power to battle.

ago, 

I've given up on the conjunctions starting sentences thing.
Whatever. It's still both wrong and irritating, mind you.

The Champions quickly departed, and were soon followed by the Senshi.

departed and

The Senshi followed them? Royal Rumble two blocks down?

He opened his fanged mouth wide, and prepared for the final strike.

wide and 

Ding Dong the dragon's dead. 

Now. 
1) Only use a comma before a conjunction when connecting two
independant clauses. If one of them isn't a complete sentence on
its own, no comma. 
2) In formal narration, ellipses should only be used to show
something was omitted. Same holds true for everything else as
well, <Why do you think we have hyphens?> but the whole world
seems so intend on using them for trailing off I'm not going to
argue that one.
3) A list at the begining, who's which champion and where they're
from and such would be helpful.

Other than my infuriated rantings, nice chapter and keep going.
Huzzah huzzah and all that.

Miashara

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