Vampyr wrote:
A little later, Class 1-F.
Later from what? I've never seen this story on the FFML before
(though the list appears to be having some trouble, so...) and you
haven't listed where I can find What Has Gone Before, either. I'll
try and C&C this anyway, probably missing the pivitol explanation
about how Jusenkyou is owned by Genom and such....
Oh, right. Feel free to ignore my C&C because my thoughts and
opinions are seldom, if ever, formed from any basis in reality.
"Miss and mister Saotome, it appears that you are just coming right from China.
Anyway, it's doesn't change the fact that you two and miss Tendo were... late.
Take the door." Ordered the teacher.
door. "Ordered -- door," ordered
Ranma: Okay, where do you want me to take it?
"So, you fight Kuno each morning ?" Ranma asked her.
morning ?" Ranma -- morning?" Ranma (extra space)
"Don't underestimate me." The offended Tendo warned him. "You want to try me ?"
me." The offended -- me," the offended
"Already done... yesterday's evening. You didn't even come close to hit us."
Ranko countered, intending to get Akane's back on earth. "You may be the best of
this school, but there is always someone stronger... in your case : us."
to hit us -- to hitting us
us." Ranko -- us," Ranko
Akane's back -- Akane's (feet) back (Missing word?)
case : us." -- case; us." (I believe.)
Ranma then barely dodge a splash of water.
dodge -- dodged
"Ranma Saotome, I won't allow it! I'll never accept... your engagement to Akane
Tendo !" shouted bokken-for-brain Kuno, causing the classmates to swarm at the
windows.
Tendo !" -- Tendo!"
The young and unwilling couple started to find excuse like "it's not our ideas"
or "it was our fathers' ideas", but Kuno in his furry (lunacy?) started to
attack Ranma and then ran after him in the corridors.
Furry? Aaaaah! Were-kendoka! Wait. Lara already wrote that fic.
I think you mean 'fury' which is 'anger', not 'furry' which is
'covered in fur'. :p
This passage is also the slightest bit stilted, insofar as you tell
us that Kuno's chasing Ranma, but we don't get to see Ranma running yet.
"It's not a pace to fight, come on!" asked Ranma to the kendoist.
pace to fight -- place to fight
With but a single look exchanged, Akane and Ranko went after them too to see the
fight. Ranma seeing an open window used it to jump outside, mimicked by Kuno.
them too to see -- them, to see (suggested)
Fortunately for Kuno, and to some extend to Ranma too, there is a pool just
below them to catch their fall. Seeing this, Ranko made up her mind and jumped
after the fighters.
extend -- extent
Ranma quickly got out of the pool, but Kuno was a little stunned and when the
shock was gone from his system, the one he saw in front of him was the other
Saotome. He caught her, grabbing a breast unknowingly, thinking she was Ranma.
Owwie.
This was not the thing to do, so Ranko, angered by the grabbing, caught Kuno
head behind her and with all the strength she could use, thrown him on the
pool's edge, using it to extract herself from the water and land a few feet
apart her brother.
'not the thing to do' works, but you _might_ want to consider
rewording it, because it's a little clumsy as-is. Maybe something
along the lines of, "This was a bad idea on Kuno's part," or the like.
"Why did you followed us, Ranko?" Ranma asked her.
followed -- follow
"To see the fight from nearer. Your opponent is waiting for ya. Beat him into a
pulp or I'll do it for ya. That bastard dared to grab my breast." She explained
while Kuno was moving closer to us.
from nearer. -- I'd suggest using 'closer', because 'nearer' (while I
believe it's correct) sounds awkward.
breast." She -- breast," she
Happosai: Hotcha!
"Saotome! How dare you to ask a girl to fight at your place? Coward!" shouted
Kuno.
I thought that Ranko just told Ranma to fight Kuno. Why does Kuno
think that Ranko's going to fight him?
"Ranma and me are the same person. Body and soul. So we do as we wish to do,
okay? A pervert like you has nothing to say." Ranko warned him.
say." Ranko -- say," Ranko
"You must have not understood it all." Said Ranma.
all." Said -- all," said
"Shut up! I see it all... Enslaver!" Kuno slash the tree Ranma was in front of
only seconds before.
slash -- slashed
"I'll crush you and free her from her chains!" Kuno continued his speech while
vainly trying to hit Ranma, but Ranma caught the bokken while airborne and use
it as leverage to double kick Kuno savagely.
use it -- used it
"If you lose, you forgot about the whole affair, okay?" Ranma asked.
forgot -- forget
"Playing is over!" said Kuno as he prepared his attack. "Strike! Strike! Strike!
Strike! Strike! Strike!" he yelled punctuating each yell with a bokken thrust.
Playing is over -- Perhaps: 'Playtime is over' or 'No more playing
around' (which sounds a little odd for Kuno). Maybe, 'Enough of this
game', or the like?
"wh..." Ranma, surprised by the attack, managed anyway to wave between the
bokken strikes, but the concrete wall behind him had not that chance, and didn't
resist the air pressure of the attack.
"wh..." -- "Wh..."
But I think you mean to indicate he's surprised. You might want to
try: "Wh--" instead.
"Ahhh!" yelled Akane, hiding behind the cracking wall, having since then joined
Ranko in watching the fight.
having since then joined -- having joined (suggested)
"Focus on the fight, I got her!" Ranko assured her bro.
bro -- brother (Slang should be used in speech, but not prose, unless
your story is from the first person.)
"You're mine!" shout Kuno victoriously while striking a last time on Ranma's
back.
shout -- shouted
Ranma counter attacked Kuno in a quarter of a second, hitting him with a shower
of kicks despite his delicate position. Kuno managed a smile before collapsing
face down.
counter-attacked (I think)
A 'quarter of a second'? That's pretty precise. Why not something
more vauge, like, "swiftly"?
Akane walk toward Kuno and return him on his back, showing for all to see a
dozen foot prints.
walk toward -- walked towards
return -- turned
showing for all -- allowing all (suggested)
"My god... you spared none of his sensitive points." Said Akane, amazed.
points." Said -- points," said
"The 'Blue Thunder'... he didn't last long." Ranma praised himself.
long." Ranma -- long," Ranma
"You got him good, but you were soft with him compared to what I would have done
myself. With all the crap he said on me." Said Ranko.
This sentence is awkward. I'd suggest changing it to something like:
"You got him good, but you went easy on him compared to what I would
have done to him, with all the crap he said about me," Ranko said.
You used 'on me', which, while technically can be correct (refering
to herself as a topic or subject) sounds awkward. You might want to
use 'about' or 'to' instead of 'on' in that type of instance.
"First, he grab my breast. Then, he insults Ranma, thinking he wanted me to
replace him for the fight, in fear of losing. And finally, he thought I was
Ranma's sex slave or something like that. If he ever, EVER, dare to touch me
again... I can't promise he'll walk away from it."
grab -- grabbed
fight, in fear of losing. -- fight out of fear of losing.
dare to -- dares to
The three returned to class, waiting for the day to be.
be. -- be over. -- end. (?)
author's note : back on writing... I still have to finish this chapter 1 yet... ^_^b
well... still no prereader, I hope this little piece of work I did this morning is readable... if not, C&C please, I badly need them
I hope this helps.
I'm working on my story plot... I know how the story will go in general, but I was working more on the details these last weeks..
I'm working on the sequels basic plots too...
I think that's the best way to write. Solid enough to have an idea of
where you're going, and flexible enough to change things if you want to.
let's just say that ranma & ranko will get new and personnal tech they 'll make themselves (like genma and his umisenken & yamasenken)
Interesting. Well, good luck with the rest of this story!
there... see ya soon for more ... I hope :)