Brian covered this pretty thoroughly, so I'm just gonna add a few
things....

Brian Randall wrote:

Vampyr <vampyr6@wanadoo.fr> wrote:

"Miss and mister Saotome, it appears that you are just coming right from China.
Anyway, it's doesn't change the fact that you two and miss Tendo were... late.

it doesn't change
(it's means "it is," and you already have a complete verb phrase:
"doesn't change")

"Already done... yesterday's evening. You didn't even come close to hit us."
Ranko countered, intending to get Akane's back on earth. "You may be the best of
this school, but there is always someone stronger... in your case : us."

        case : us." -- case; us." (I believe.)

I'd use a comma there. The semicolon doesn't really work; semicolons
connect what could be two complete sentences, yet are related enough
that you don't want a full stop in between them. "us" can't be a
complete sentence. The colon works too, I suppose, though as Brian says
you don't want a space before it.

"Ranma Saotome, I won't allow it! I'll never accept... your engagement to Akane
Tendo !" shouted bokken-for-brain Kuno, causing the classmates to swarm at the
windows.

The young and unwilling couple started to find excuse like "it's not our ideas"
or "it was our fathers' ideas", but Kuno in his furry (lunacy?) started to
attack Ranma and then ran after him in the corridors.

        This passage is also the slightest bit stilted, insofar as you tell
us that Kuno's chasing Ranma, but we don't get to see Ranma running yet.

I also wonder about the point of view here. The "bokken-for-brain" and
"lunacy" are whose opinion? If it's one of the characters, then make it
clear which one. If it's the author's, then IMO it has no place in a
prose story (and that Kuno isn't the brightest bulb in the lot is hardly
a novel insight anyhow.)

Fortunately for Kuno, and to some extend to Ranma too, there is a pool just

there was a pool
(you're writing in past tense)

"Saotome! How dare you to ask a girl to fight at your place? Coward!" shouted
Kuno.

        I thought that Ranko just told Ranma to fight Kuno. Why does Kuno
think that Ranko's going to fight him?

Also, it should be *in* your place. *At* his place would mean he's
inviting Ranko to his home to spar. Which Kuno might also object to,
but.... :)

Ranma counter attacked Kuno in a quarter of a second, hitting him with a shower
of kicks despite his delicate position. Kuno managed a smile before collapsing
face down.

        counter-attacked (I think)

I think this is one word: counterattack

"My god... you spared none of his sensitive points." Said Akane, amazed.

Just as a general comment (look for this sort of thing elsewhere), don't
attach descriptors to the dialog when the line itself makes it obvious.
Just "My god" makes it clear that she's amazed, so there's no need to
tell us so. Save this sort of thing for when the tone or manner of
speech is different from what you'd expect.

NECESSARY:
"I'm just great. Couldn't be happier. Can't you tell how happy I am?" he
grumbled angrily through clenched teeth.

NOT NECESSARY:
"Damn it, Ranma, I'm gonna rip fucking your head off!" Ryoga said
angrily.

well... still no prereader, I hope this little piece of work I did this morning is readable... if not, C&C please, I badly need them

I gather from your .fr address that you aren't a native English speaker.
While this makes it harder to blame you for bad grammar, it doesn't make
reading it any less of a effort. :)  I'd suggest looking for an editor
who can help you with the finer points of the language. While your
difficulties are perfectly understandable, that'll probably be scant
consolation to you if people delete your story because it's too much of
a struggle to get through.

As for the story, I haven't read any of the previous parts, but this one
seemed very much like a case of "same shit, different continuity."
That's not a pejorative against either your fic, or the canon; it's just
an expression. :)  What I mean is that this scene is essentially
unchanged from the one in the manga. Okay, so there are two Saotomes
here instead of one, but it doesn't make any real practical difference
in this scene that I can see. It's simply not interesting to read what's
for all intents and purposes the same scene that we've seen before in
canon.

This is a very common problem among alt fics. But fortunately, the cure
is simple: don't show such scenes. Just skip right past them and get
right to whatever it is that makes your altered continuity different and
interesting.


Gary

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