Irene <otaku220@yahoo.com> wrote:
Revised, more-or-less final, unless something really important comes up or I
decide to change the plot. :)
All comments are welcome...chapters two and three shall be posted presently. :)
I hadn't had time to read this when it was previously posted, so I'm
doing so now. Since this is a (possibly) final version, I'll try to
limit comments to things that you can easily change, or things that I
wouldn't expect you to change anyway. You get to figure out which are
which. :)
Standard C&C disclaimer applies: the comments herein are the rantings of
a hyper-opinionated critic who doesn't like much anyway. :) Glean
anything you can that will be of use to you, and file the rest under one
reader's opinion.
Summary:
Three years after the failed wedding, Ranma and Akane are
securely, willingly engaged and on their way to a happy
future as they attend college. . .but what will happen
then?
Rating: PG. No swearing or anything. . .some drinking,
though, minor violence, and there *is* heavy (though not
even lime) romance.
Points to Keep in Mind:
[snip]
First comment: limit your introductory notes. Readers tend to be an
impatient lot, and would rather get to your story as soon as possible
than slog through a long introduction first. You don't need a summary
for your story; let it speak for itself. You ESPECIALLY don't need to
explain which symbols represent thought and so forth. Any reader who
isn't completely dim ^_^ will understand this immediately from context.
Whether you want to use such delimeters is up to you, but there's no
need to explain them if you do use them.
Kyoritsu Chemical University, trainer of future
pharmacists, was not *too* far away from the hubbub of
another university in Tokyo--TouDai. Ranma mumbled
AKANE: Ranma, remind me of the name of that university you go to....
RANMA: TouDai.
AKANE: Yes, remind me today, please, if that's not too much trouble. I
don't see why I should have to wait until tomorrow for you to tell me.
RANMA: Um....
You need a space after the dash: Tokyo-- TouDai. Look for this
elsewhere. Also, shouldn't it either be "Tou Dai" or "Toudai?" I always
thought putting capitals in the middle of a name was a Madison Avenue
thing that they did so they could copyright the name. :)
something to himself as he ran along, almost late. Not
*his* fault that his fianc?e had to be in pharmaceutical
You've got a formatting problem. The first "e" in "fiancee" is showing
up as a question mark. (There's no platform-independent way to do the
accented "e", so just use a regular "e" there.)
school. Not *his* fault that she wanted to see him first
thing in the morning. Now he was headed for the class that
would destroy his brain. Why, oh why, was a sophomore
business major (he had to take care of the family dojo,
right?) taking a class in introductory physics? It was
enough of a miracle that he had gotten into the college,
along with Ryoga. He suspected that someone had lost the
test scores, or done *something* stupid with them. Either
way, it wasn?t *too* hard to stay in, and he had no
And here, an apostrophe also got turned into a question mark. Look for
this throughout the fic.
There were a few good reasons for taking that class, he
thought as he shoved the backpack up his shoulder and
opened the door to the science building in front of him.
This university was a little peculiar in its requirements,
so it was required that he took an elective, and since he
Suggest: so he needed to take an elective, and
(Eliminate the repetition of "require," and make it more direct)
"Saotome! Get yer butt in here before the bell rings!
You're dealin' with Professor Burashu; that guy will grill
you like a steak if you aren't in your seat in ten
seconds!" Ryoga's shout jerked Ranma into the medium-sized
lecture hall. He slid into a molded plastic seat and threw
a notebook, pencil, and calculator on the writing surface
before sighing. He straightened his light green t-shirt,
swept his hands over his loose pants, and sat back. Ryoga
poked him. "Hmm, just made it."
Did Ryoga cure his direction problem, or does he have a guide to lead
him around campus? :)
"Ohayo, minna-san!" A booming voice jerked the students'
What's wrong with "Good morning, everyone?"
You're writing a story in English, for an audience that understands the
subtleties and connotations of English. Unless you have a particular
reason to do otherwise (an English-speaking character listening to
someone speak Japanese, for example), then write in English.
heads towards the front. Professor Burashu was somewhat
short, and very muscular; rumor had it that he had been a
champion powerlifter before turning to teaching. His dark,
slightly graying hair was brushed back carefully. He wore
wire-rimmed glasses, but the sparkle in his eyes was not
dimmed. He wore a short-sleeved shirt, neat gray slacks,
Whoa, information dump. :) Telling us what he looks like is fine, but a
big chunk of it all at once like this is hard to swallow. Try giving it
out bit by bit in between bits of scene, Ranma's reaction, and so on.
"No talking!" Burashu's voice shouted, and Ranma, sighing,
turned back towards the front. The professor went on. "If
you're here to learn physics, great! Nice to have ya. If
not, too bad! You gotta learn it anyway, haha! Oh, and by
the way, if you're late, that's a 1% deduction, so you
Suggest: a one percent deduction,
(words scan better than numerals or symbols)
might as well not show up! Being late is just as bad as not
coming to class! This is a small class, I'll know if
you're here. . .ahh, here we go. I assume that you all
have taken 101 and 202 already, and are fairly comfortable
with the Fourier transform series.
Fourier transforms and Fourier series are two different (albeit very
closely related) things. I've studied physics, so feel free to email for
more information if you like. (Neither Fourier expansion is exactly
likely to be covered in anyone's second physics course, but I get the
idea you're intentionally exaggerating for effect here.)
"Yukawa-san! There you are." The man turned and nodded.
The slender girl bowed and quickly walked in. A hush
settled over the room. She looked *young*, too young to be
another professor.
How young, and what about her leads him to conclude this? I don't think
you need a whole paragraph of description or something, but a few
well-chosen details would help here.
Ranma is no stranger to the idea of a very young teacher, by the way. :)
RANMA: Not *another* one! All right, I'll do my homework! Just don't do
that Happo Fifty Yen stuff here, okay?
YUKAWA: Huh?
As the girl walked closer, Ranma took a curious look. She
raised her head and gave a quick, shy smile to the students
in front of her. The girl, Miss Yukawa or whatever, had
black or perhaps dark brown hair, and it fell to about her
shoulder blades, perhaps a bit longer. She had long bangs
falling into her eyes, and the rest of hair, held back with
two silver clips on either side, was layered and framed her
pale, heart-shaped face. Her large eyes were dark blue,
when Ranma caught a quick glance of them. She was short,
no more than five foot three, and very slim. She wore a
white cardigan with elbow-length sleeves, a short black
skirt, black shoes, and a silver necklace. She was slightly
pretty in a curious way. Her hands moved quickly as she
shuffled some papers and gave them to the professor.
Another information dump here. Description is good, but too much raw
information can really slow down a story, especially all at once like
this. Be selective. We do need to be able to develop a mental image of
the scene, but not every detail has to be nailed down for us. Pick out
information that gives the FEEL you want, and concentrate on that, and
as I said above, try to intersperse it with other elements of the story.
"Class, meet my new assistant professor, Yukawa Himeko-san.
She's from right here in Tokyo, a sort of child prodigy who
graduated at age sixteen while enrolled here and is already
working on two degrees now--theoretical physics and
biology. This is part of her work, so please respect her
as she works with me." He bowed, then the girl turned to
the class and gave a graceful bow. "Yoroshiku
onegaishimasu," she said softly. "I am very pleased to work
with you all."
And glibberflorkle blurgunklenord to you too. :) I've no idea what she
just said, and I don't care to interrupt the story to go see if there's
a glossary, so whatever impact this line of dialog may have had is lost
on this particular reader. :/
Don't put dialog for two different speakers in the same paragraph. Start
a new one when there's a new speaker.
The class sat in stunned silence. 18 years old and a
Suggest: Eighteen years
"You'll survive. Remember, he's setting a scale. 50% is
See above comment re: using words rather than numerals and symbols. Look
for this elsewhere. From what I understand, starting a sentence with a
numeral is considered to always be bad form.
Which one would it be? Ranma looked at Burashu's schedule,
and noticed that Yukawa's schedule was there as well. She
Suggest: that Yukawa's was there
("schedule" is understood from the last mention, and repeated words are
best avoided unless there's a stylistic reason for them.)
"Computers," Himeko muttered to herself as she poured
herself some tea and typed a few more constants into the
program. She had, on a whim, designed a program
simulating--to a very limited extent, of course--quantum
foam.
HIMEKO: If this works, it'll be a revolutionary new consumer product!
Only trouble is, a person will never be sure whether he's shaved or not.
BURASHU: Yukawa-san, there's a crowd of animal rights activists outside
to talk to you about the tests you did on Schrodinger's cat.
A student walked in, a well-built boy, nineteen years old,
with long black hair pulled back and he was looking at her
back, and he
(you need a comma to end the offset descriptor)
with startling slate-blue eyes. He looked a little
embarrassed to be here, and held his earlier quiz in his
hand. Ah, wasn't he the boy who didn't seem to understand?
RANMA: You could tell?
HIME: Well, when you screamed "What the heck are you talking about,
Prof?" I was kind of tipped off.
Ranma was surprised at her gentle voice. "I'm Saotome.
And, um, well, you see, I need to drop the class. I was
mistaken in taking it. You see--" trying desperately to
Trying
(capitalize, for new sentence)
"I didn't say you were stupid," she said, her voice quiet.
"It's all right. I understand." Then she sat forward a
little, her eyes bored into his for just a moment, and
Ranma detected something intensely brilliant in the dark
blue eyes, and an edge to her soft voice. "However, know
now that this class will not tolerate slackers or apathy.
I don't care what the other classes are like. If you want
to stay in, you *will* work, and you *will* learn." She sat
back in the chair and her eyes were gentle again.
Um... what happened to her being shy, and inexperienced as a teacher?
She did a particularly good job, sensing when he needed
help. Darn, he thought with no little envy, this girl is a
good teacher. Eighteen years old and doing this, he mused
with incredulity. He was a martial arts prodigy; he should
not have been so surprised to find the same sort of talent
in other areas, and in other people. It was just that he
did not often have such close contact with persons of
admittedly high intelligence.
Himeko is starting to set off my "Annoying New Character" alarms. I can
deal with a super-intelligent character; as you say here, it's a
parallel to Ranma's own martial arts skill. But what puts me off is the
reactions of the other characters. In the manga, people rarely gush over
how impressed they are with Ranma's skill. Jealousy and hostility are
much more common reactions. Yet everybody is impressed with Hime. What's
more, though you keep telling us that she's shy, it doesn't seem to
cause her any actual difficulty; she knows exactly what to say to Ranma.
"Saotome, right? Ah, I see you've already decided to study
for the class! That's great, exemplary, just wonderful!"
He laughed as he grabbed a book and some papers, muttering
about grading. Then he turned to Ranma again. "Glad to
see you're making full use of my assistant. I've got
RANMA: Er... *ahem*....
PROF: Oh, yes, that could be taken the wrong way, couldn't it. Well, you
know what I mean. Anyhow, don't hesitate to take full advantage of-- er,
never mind.
enough going on as it is--I'd love to be with the students
more--but you all will have to go through her most of the
time."
RANMA: I said, *AHEM!*
Either this guy has a dirty mind, or the reader does. :)
Okay, she had no idea, no idea at all. She had to admit
it--she had stayed up last night not studying for the well-
announced first test of the year. She had been playing
around in her newly rented room: after that "incident" at
home last year, which she did not care to recall to memory,
Suggest: to recall,
(that the recollection is in memory can go without saying, I think)
Call his boss and make not-too-vague hints of substance
abuse, Akane thought with a dry smile. Funny how they
tried to teach you ethics in these classes. She wrote
that, then added something mentally: next, replace his
order with similar-looking laxatives. She smirked a
little, then moved on.
Heh. I liked this bit.
Too bad it was *such* an awful choice. Akane could not
count the number of times she promised herself that she
would quit. But there were two reasons she did not: one,
there was nothing else she wanted to study anyway. Two,
Doctor Tofu was covering her college expenses. Money was
not coming easy: Kasumi scrimped and saved despite marrying
easy; Kasumi
(A semicolon joins two complete but related sentences into one. A colon
is used as you do in the previous sentence above.)
Tofu, the doctor--she had to finance Akane; Nabiki lived on
And this is a reason she *doesn't* quit? ^_^;;;
AKANE: I'd like to leave, but that would give my sister some actual
spending money!
"Moshi moshi, Himeko? This is Professor Miyake. My wife
What's wrong with "Hello?"
"Um, Akane, you do know that I work on Monday, Wednesday,
and Sunday nights at the Pasta Grill." Ranma hefted his
backpack a little, looking at his annoyed fianc?e. "You
can come, but I won't be accompanying you at the dinner
table, that's all.
AKANE: Okay, I'll sing a-capella, then.
He knew it, and she knew it. Something stubborn, something
like shreds of affection and love, clung to their joined
forms. Now and then, one of them felt guilt, or perhaps
the last sparks from the smoldering embers, and would try
to grow closer, but it was always futile.
They *wanted* it *back* with all their hearts. They wanted
to recapture the love, or whatever it had been, of those
days when they sat together awkwardly in a park. When they
were so uncomfortable, yet hearts were beating and a sort
of passion flowed between the two.
It had disappeared all too soon.
Ranma and Akane falling out of love is not inconceivable, but I think it
would be more convincing here if it were described in less abstract
terms, with more specifics. What exactly does Akane expect that she
isn't getting?
Also, the definiteness with which she argues her case seems wrong for
this story. It (along with the sheer length of her mental speech here)
convinces me that you're declaring their relationship to be already
dead. If we're supposed to believe that there's no chance of them
remaining a couple, then it's inevitable that Ranma will end up in the
arms of whatshername the child prodigy, and if the ending is inevitable,
why should we keep reading? IMO, you'd be better to keep things more
uncertain for now. Show us that R&A have problems, but let us stay in
suspense as to the ultimate fate of the relationship, because that's
what will keep us reading.
Himeko played with her jet-beaded purse as she strode into
the restaurnt. She looked around the brightly-lit entrance
restaurant.
Haneno Shiroki smiled at the prot?g?e, told a few jokes,
and they started to examine the menu. The international
restaurant offered a good selection of just about anything
there was.
HIME: I'll have an order of kitchen sink, please.
WAITER: I'm sorry, madam. We have everything but the kitchen sink.
Everything was excellent; they ordered some
pot-stickers, soup, and the "University Special"--namely,
unlimited coffee. No one minded waiting for food, as this
gave them time to begin the discussion on Himeko's research
and what path it should take. She was a math professor,
and not always understanding her husband's research.
and did not always understand her
(as written, the last clause is short a verb)
Himeko has a husband?!? ^_^;;;; Now THAT would be an interesting
obstacle between her and Ranma. :) But somehow I suspect you meant to
refer to the prof's wife with this.
"Go study in your frickin' rooms, that's what they're for,"
Ranma muttered as he went outside and towards the table in
question. "Don't come here and make *my* life miserable,
you. . ."
Suggest: you--"
(the dots make it seem as though he's trailing off, whereas he was
interrupted)
"Saotome-san?"
RANMA: No, that's not what I was going to say....
"Yep." Ranma reached out with the coffee. He got a good
look at her face, a close-up, and he could have sworn that
something looked familiar. But there had been no prodigies
at Furinkan High School,
HINAKO: Hello?
RANMA: You don't count. You've been a child for twenty-some years.
She smiled. "Are you having a nice time?"
~~~
[ Monday, 3:00 PM, Kyoto ]
The girl glanced up at the sign and read her itinerary.
KYOTO INN
35-1 HANA-NO-OKAMACHI KAMIHANAYAMA
SON GOKU: Kami-Hanayama-HA!
RANMA: D'you mind? This is *my* fic.
YAMASHINA-KU
"Are you having a nice time?"
Um... unless Ranma has developed a Yusaku Godai complex all of the
sudden, it seems a bit odd for him to vege out into a trip down memory
lane in the middle of a conversation. Suggest you have him wander off
toward the bathroom or something as he dwells on what whatshername said.
The young girl blushed prettily as she looked at him,
afraid of intruding on a stranger's silence and making
unwanted conversation. Her few, but close, friends could
have told Ranma that she was far too shy to strike out on
her own and attempt to make many new friends.
HIROSHI: So am I. That's why I always take Daisuke along to hit on the
chicks with me. That way we end up striking out together.
Ranma cursed his luck. Every second-year student from both
schools was on the collective field trip, the annual travel
all high schools in Japan take. His trip was nice enough,
to Kyoto, the ancient, beautiful, picturesque city. The
two schools had some sort of confusion as to conflicting
travel plans, so they had decided to incorporate the two
schools together. As such, and to promote "making new
friends", each student from Furinkan paired up with another
student from Ichiban. Some were girl-girl, some boy-boy,
... and then there was Ranma. :-D
and the rest, obviously, were mixed. The pairing would
last the entire week, no questions asked and no complaints
taken.
How had he gotten paired up with someone like *her*?
More to the point, why isn't the Wannabe Fiancee Brigade charging at her
in a jealous rage, as with Hinako in vol. 25?
This was, in a way, pleasant. Ranma liked silent time. In
another way, it ticked him off. Ranma hated having others
brush him off. This girl, while not necessarily doing the
above, was doing a fair imitation of it, and he felt
himself becoming just a tad resentful of her lack of
attention. Besides, that book looked hard. Was she some
sort of genius? Now Ranma started to feel decidedly
uncomfortable.
This is more the kind of reaction I'd have liked to see from present-day
Ranma: much more mixed, with the possibility that it could end up going
either way.
"Yes." Ranma smiled at her. From behind, someone shouted,
"Hey, Saotome!" Ranma turned, and quite carelessly,
loosened his grip on the coffeepot.
Again, don't put dialog for different speakers in the same paragraph.
Look for this elsewhere.
Yukari and Nozaki both nodded. "Hai."
Suggest: "Yes." (or) "Right."
Himeko turned back to a dissertation on parity violation,
complete with works by Lee and Yang.
HIMEKO: 'This parity is no more... it has ceased to be...' What does
THAT mean?!?
RANMA: Y'got me.
"Oyasumi nasai, Mio-chan," Akane murmured sleepily as she
What's wrong with... um, whatever this means in English?
"Darnit, Akinori! Turn off that piece of junk! Just
'cause you're up till all hours playin' those blasted video
games of yours doesn't mean you have to torture the rest of
us with them. . ." invectives poured from Ranma as he
Invectives
(caps, since it starts a sentence)
He needed a nice hot shower. Ranma *liked* cold showers to
wake up, but there was still that little difficulty with
cold water. He kept the transformation as much of a secret
as possible,
AKI: How much of a secret is that?
RANMA: Um... I'm pretty sure Kuno doesn't know.
and his roommate was fine with it, only
because he had watched a few anime where characters *did*
transform into the opposite gender. But Ranma certainly
did not feel like needing two ID cards, or two separate
sets of anything. That would have made college worse than
it already was, in some ways. Those found out somehow
Those who found out
(Ranma is the one who *is* found out)
"Quit it, Saotome," Akinori, a CE/EE double major,
grumbled. He flipped the console off anyway. "At least I
don't wake up people practicin' my martial arts at night.
And *I* never broke through a wall." Ranma, who ran the
martial arts club at TouDai, was infamous for his showing-
off at club meetings as well as occasionally staying up all
night to practice maneuvers in a tiny, enclosed area--
namely, his quarter of the bedroom.
Good point. "Shut up." Ranma wandered over to his closet
and pulled out a shirt and some pants. "Anyway, you were
just the same last year, weren't you? As I recall, you
managed to convert the projector into a TV screen thing and
played 'Breath of Fire' in the auditorium."
This whole scene seems rather... expository. Like "establish the
characters by having each one describe the other's habits." You might
want to try to be less obvious about it, especially since Aki is
probably only in the story for color anyway.
Ranma swore loudly when he went through his backpack and
realized that he had forgotten to do his math homework. He
*hated* math with a vengeance, but it did him little good.
The teacher seemed to have a passion for Markov chains,
RANMA: As if I don't meet enough weird types *outside* of class....
TEACHER: Okay, class. Today we're going to start on Fibbonacci whips,
Fermat bondage, and... oh, wait. There are no such things. Well, back to
the chains, then!
"ARGH!" He also neglected physics. He had only done his
Communications and Economics homework last night. While
most teachers did not necessarily check the homework all
the time, it was still a pain when they did. Ranma had
encountered his share of anal-retentive professors who
insisted you turned in homework in precision. Naturally,
when they actually did all the grading, did not really
care.
Lacking a subject in this sentence.
"Okay," Burashu boomed, "let's go, guys! Another *fun* and
*exciting* day of physics! Today we expand our knowledge
of certain special electrical fields--we're going to have
some PHun with them! Get those notes out!"
How can he do a spelling pun when he's speaking?
Wasn't that the nice thing about math and science? There
was *always* a right answer, no arguments, it was right.
You might not *know* what the spin is, but there *is* one,
and you can take comfort in that thought. There was only a
certain set of solutions--clear-cut, carved into the laws
of nature by divine choice or cosmic processes, something
you could not violate or argue.
If only life was like that, he thought. Boring, but at
least. . .easy.
You've got some nice descriptions of Ranma's thoughts here.
End One
######
^_^ Well? ^_^;;
Well. ^_^;;;;;
There's some very positive things I can say about this story.
Technically well-constructed, with very few grammar problems and such,
and a good amount of descriptive detail. I liked a lot of what you did
with the characters -- Akane's conflicts about staying in school and
(with the caveat noted above) her conflicting feelings about Ranma,,
Ranma's problems in dealing with university life.
But what I didn't like -- to the point where I probably won't continue
on to the next chapters -- was Himeko. She may or may not be an ANC, but
she certainly seems like an AFC -- "Author's Favored Character." You
seem unwilling to let her make any mistake, or have anything bad happen
to her. We get told that she's shy and lonely, but in practice the
shyness never seems to cause any problems for her; we never see her too
flustered to say what she means, or wanting something and not having the
nerve to ask for it, or anything like that. We're told that she lost her
parents at an early age, but it's not clear how that affects her NOW, if
it does at all. Show us what kind of problems she can't deal with, where
her vulnerabilities lie. That's what will make us feel sympathy for her,
and seeing her deal with those vlunerabilities, learning and growing, is
what can make her likeable, admirable, compelling to read about.
There's a lot of potential problems a child prodigy could have. Hime
doesn't have to be drop-dead gorgeous, as you've made her in this story.
She could have grown up isolated, ignorant of personal grooming and the
like. Maybe she deep down wishes she could go back and have the
childhood that she missed. Maybe she secretly yearns to throw physics to
the winds and join Akane and her friends in one of their Monopoly games.
Wouldn't that make an interesting scene -- Akane knowing that this woman
was in the process of stealing her husband away, but still feeling sorry
enough for her to reach out and try to offer her friendship?
A related issue I had with the story is that it's working overtime to
convince us that Ranma and Himeko are a couple -- something that doesn't
really take a lot of convincing, as it's pretty much the expected
outcome of this sort of new character fic. It's to the point where it
seems dead obvious to me how it's going to turn out, and that doesn't
make me interested in reading more. Rather than trying to push them
together, your story should be trying to throw obstacles in their way.
Instead of convincing us that they're fated to be together, convince us
that they could never, ever be together with such insurmountable
obstacles in their way, and then show us a convincing ending in which
they do end up together. I should add that internal obstacles (character
flaws and such) tend to be more interesting than external ones (meddling
other characters and the like) because they're much harder to dismiss
and can lead to character growth and development as they're overcome.
On your writing, a couple of suggestions. With description, try to work
towards quality over quantity. Not that yours are bad, but you tend to
throw a lot of information at the reader where often it would be more
effective to look for a few telling details that make the point you want
to and give the feel that you're after. Also, beware of inundating the
reader with too many chemical formulas and such. Again, use enough
technical information to give the flavor you want and to convince the
reader you know what you're talking about, but not so much that it bogs
down the story.
Wow, I didn't think I'd have this much to say. :) Hope some of it was
helpful to you, and good luck with this and any future writing projects.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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