And completeing my EH trio of reviews:

A Paradise Built for Two


This story follows "Caryatid", but is not dependent on it:
http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/other.htm#caryatid

Hmm. I have mixed feelings about adding on to this kind of a story. What you
did before pretty much got the point you wanted to across, and I'd  be wary
of merely reiterating the point you made, or adding useless information when
you've already accomplished your goal. We'll see.

     ~~~~~

     Blue sea, white sand; blue sky, white clouds

pink elephants and talking cactus. Truly El Hazard was a Magnificent World.
^_^

... yet

Ifurita's eyes were bluer than the sea, and her skin was whiter
than the sand.

Makoto: Say it with me Ifurita: Sunlight.

Ifurita; Put I already told you, I do not have the ability to tan. Even
plunging myself into the heart of a star would melt my poly-titainium
epidermal layers.

 She noticed Makoto's glance and smiled back at

him, and her hand tightened on his for a moment.  Makoto

cried out, "You're crushing it!"

"Oops." Ifurita reactivated her strength limiters.


blushed

and examined his feet as they continued to make impressions in
the sand.

Makoto: God, my feet are repulsive.

Ifurita; You got that right.

     "I don't see the point of these 'bathing suits', though."
Ifurita tapped the fabric of her demure black, blue, and silver
one-piece where it was stretched tight across her cleavage.
Makoto's eyes followed her gesture and his capillaries got
another workout.

Heh. Nice turn of the phrase.

     "It's just what we're supposed to wear, that's all!"

     "Ah, another Earth custom," said Ifurita archly.

Shouldn't she know that from his memories? One would think she had nothing
to do for thousands of years but go over them while in rest mode.

     "Oh, don't give me that!  You know all about Earth customs!
Well, as much as I know, anyway.  You're just teasing me."

Ah, I see.

     "No," said Ifurita, releasing his hand and taking a couple
of steps away.  "This is teasing you."  Her posture and
expression altered, just a little, and suddenly her supernal
beauty became a weapon aimed right at Makoto's libido -- but not
to destroy it.

Even that would be a remarkable accomplishment on her part. The male libido
is a powerful force. ^_^

     Ifurita looked around.  "Oh, I think they're all occupied
with their own business," she remarked.

     Makoto looked for himself; that certainly appeared to be the
case.  The swimmers and sunbathers swam and sunbathed; the food-
stand owners called out their wares; an octopus pot hopped along
farther up the beach, pursued hotly by an angry girl and luke-
warmly by a panda;

No. It doesn't fit. Get rid of it now. It's a useless cameo in a fic this
small.

 but no one was near them, and no one was

looking in their direction.  "I guess not, but still...."

Screwing on the beach is still something most people would take notice of.

     "Aren't you going to sunburn?" Makoto asked, eyeing
Ifurita's pale, perfect skin with concern.  "Maybe we should...."

I just went over this. Heh.

     "I don't know."  His head snapped to one side, then the
other.  "I-- think someone--"

     Makoto vanished.  An instant later, so did Ifurita, the
beachgoers, the beach, the sea, the sun, and the sky.

Oops.

     ~~~~~

     The face was leaking.  The water fell on his own face.  It
felt good.  Then the stench smote his nostrils.  "Urgh."

Yuck. Sounds rather bad.

     Someone screamed from near the door, and several other
people drew in their breaths sharply; one coughed, as though he'd
regretted it.  "Oh my god," Nanami said slowly.  Her head whipped
around.  "Get a doctor," she snapped.  "Not a scholar, a
physician.  Right now!"

Heh. Nice that she has to differentiate.

     Nanami stared in horror at Makoto's sunken features and
wasted body.  There was food and drink nearby, apparently
untouched, and that was certainly consistent with Makoto's
condition.  "How could this happen?" she muttered.  She glanced
at Rune Venus, slumped in the arms of a couple of her handmaidens
by the door; there wasn't a whole lot of point in chastising the
ruling princess until she recovered from her faint,

Bit fainthearted, even for her.

     "He's DYING!"

     "Everyone dies," Ifurita murmured absently, but her hands
were already reaching for Makoto.  She lifted him carefully from
the bed, cradling him in her arms, and turned toward the
bathroom.  "Don't touch that," she warned everyone in the room as
she left, nodding to her Key staff where it lay on the bed beside
the depression she'd made.

Hmm. Curiouser and curiouser. I had thought this was taking place before he
recovered Ifurita.

     "How could you let this happen?" Nanami asked finally.

     Ifurita didn't look up.  "It was his wish."

     "To starve to death?"

     "Actually, it's mostly dehydration--"

     "Never mind that!  What were you DOING?"

Yeah. She should know better.

     "But how--"

     Ifurita finally looked up.  "Nanami, haven't you ever
experienced a moment so joyful that you wished it would last
forever?"

     "No...."

Heh. Nice

     "Wow," Nanami said slowly.  "And he wouldn't come out even
to eat and drink or use the toilet...."

     "I'm afraid not."

And then the dreams end. Ifurita really should have known better. She has
demonstrated some measure of common sense. Not sure if I buy this level of
obliviousness to the problem in her at this time.

     "Stupid maids should have said something earlier," Nanami
muttered.

     "Is that what brought you?  Well, they're trained to respect
the privacy of their charges... and beyond that, they fear me,
and even Makoto a little."

Maids: No, actually we have our hands full evading Fatora's insatiable
appetite.

     The palace staff changed the bed linens, then decided to
change the whole bed.

By burning it.

This done, they retired as well,

conspicuously not muttering; they'd seen the look Ifurita had
directed at the departing doctors.

Well it's her fault Mako was in this situation in the first place.

     "So he's going to starve to death.  Great plan."

     "I will see to it that he doesn't go this long without
maintenance again," Ifurita assured her.  "You should understand
that I don't want him to die either.  If I'd realized he was this
fragile, I'd have warned him.  I thought he knew his own
limitations."

Hmm. Better, but I still think she'd have kept a closer eye on him.

     "You're just going to dream away your lives in here with
servants bringing food in once in a while?  I know the palace is
famous for its hospitality, but really!"

     "He has earned that, and more," Rune Venus put in from the
doorway.  Nanami shot her a you're-NOT-helping look.

Rune: I don't need to. I'm the Queen. My word is law.

     "Listen to me," Ifurita cut her off.  "This is what Makoto
wants.  This was his choice.  I'm not forcing it on him."

     "Well, I don't see you stopping it, either!"

     Ifurita's remaining patience snapped.  "Why would I stop
him?

Yeah, she's enjoying herself too.

     "So you're just going to go along with this?" Nanami
demanded.  "For as long as he holds out?"

Sounds like most relationships to me. :)

     Ifurita looked down at the man in the bathtub and her
expression softened.  "If that continues to be his wish."  She
looked up.  "Everyone dies.  What matters is how we live."

     Nanami's face twitched.  "I don't call that living, you--"

Ifurita; (Pointing her powerstaff at Nanami) You won't be called living
either if you keep that up.

     Nanami's blood chilled.  "So you'll just let her...."

It'll be letting Makoto, as Ifurita pointed out.

As to this being an add on to the first, it's not really working out as a
series of shorts. Either make it a longer one with chapters or let it go as
is, IMO. The story should come to you as one way or the other. Aside from
that it looked good.

D.B. Sommer



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