On Fri, 11 Jan 2002, DB Sommer wrote:

Just bouncing around now. Haven't done an EH fic in a while:

One reason for that may be that EH fics aren't posted nearly often enough. 
:/

     Hanging a little bell in the doorway of a business wasn't a
Roshtarian custom, but it was a touch of home that maintained
Jinnai Nanami's sanity in this magnificent but bizarre world.
"Welcome!" she sang without turning when she heard its thin,
brassy chime behind her.  It took her a moment to realize that
the murmur of conversation in her cafe had gone silent, and
another to notice that everyone in her field of view was looking
at the doorway.  She turned.

Nice intro paragraph.

Thanks; I put some effort into it...

This bears a little explanation, perhaps.  When I read fanfic,
particularly the fics that arrive from the FFML, the first screenful or
two usually determines whether I'm going to keep reading or not.  A good
opening hooks me, and a mediocre or poor one loses me.  I figure other
readers are similar, and so I try to write openings that set the scene
immediately, so that the reader has as vivid and detailed a mental image
as I can manage, and also a twist or anomaly to catch interest. 
 

     The figure silhouetted against the sunlit street wasn't the
bubbly girl that the people of Floristica were slowly getting
accustomed to seeing in the company of Mizuhara Makoto in the
weeks since their return.  Ifurita's Key staff was at her side,
and Makoto was not,

Don't know as I'd call Ifurita 'bubbly'

Well, this isn't the Ifurita of most of the first OAV series; we've only
seen this Ifurita for a few seconds at the end of Night 7... once she's
reunited with Makoto and her Key, I think she'd lighten up considerably. 
 

and that made her a Demon Goddess rather than
the consort of a young sage.  A chair fell over, and suddenly
customers and staff alike were scrambling for the other exits.
Nanami froze with a rictus of horror on her face.  *Oh, crap, she
found out!*

Interesting reaction from Nanami.

Teaser, of course.  :)

     Nanami blinked.  "You mean you aren't here to toast me and
wreck the place?" she managed.

     "Not at all."  Ifurita picked up a chair, set it on its
feet, and seated herself.  "If I meant to do that, it would be
done by now."

Good point.

Yeah, it's only Makoto she hesitates before toasting.  :)
 

     Indignation was starting to sprout from panic, but Nanami
managed to keep it from becoming anger; getting mad at Ifurita
was not a good long-term survival strategy.

Or even short term, really.

Well, that depends on whether one happens to be a major character or a
Bugrom spear-carrier, but yeah.  :) 
 

 "Then why'd you
stampede my customers?"

Actually they stampeded on their own.

Ifurita: Right.  It's not like I yelled "Booga-booga!" or anything.

     "Well, Makoto was with you before."  Nanami cocked her head.
"So why isn't Makoto with you now?  Aren't you two, like, joined
at the hip?"  She was quite proud of her flippant tone; not a
trace of bitterness.

Oh no. She doesn't sound bitter in the slightest.

And there isn't a trace of sarcasm in your tone, either.  :)
 

     "Uh huh."  Nanami sighed.  "So, what do you want to talk to
me about?  Care to invest in a local food-service business?  Need
a job?  I don't know how popular you'd be as a waitress, but
you'd make a great bouncer--"

     "Makoto."

Nanami: No, he wouldn't make a good bouncer at all. He's too much the
weenie.

Ifurita: He's a pretty good bouncee, though...
 

     "Ah."  Nanami looked past Ifurita, to where a couple of
faces displaying a little more curiosity than fear were peering
in through the doorway.  "How about we go upstairs?"

Ifurita: But I don't want to have sex with you.

Nanami: That's not what I meant!

Ifurita: Oh, when Makoto says that, that's what he means.

Hmm... I may have to steal that.  :)
 

     "Nothing's wrong with Makoto, is it?"

think 'there' instead of 'it' might be better.

So do I.  Thanks.

Nanami asked over her
shoulder as she closed the door of a sitting room that didn't
look like it got much use.

The bed, on the other hand, was like a revolving door with all the men she
entertained.

Now there's an interesting image.

     "And I know why."  Ifurita paused and gave Nanami a
speculative look.  "I think you know why, too."

Nanami: He's gay?

Ifurita; Bingo.

Fatora: Makes sense to me.

Ariel: Me too.

     "How can you NOT be?  I tried to steal him from you!  He was
discouraged, and you were gone, and I was lonely, and I thought I
had a chance--"

Ifurita: I knew you didn't have a chance.

Nanami: That really doesn't make me feel better.

She's trying to be diplomatic, and hasn't had much practice at that
either... :)
 

     "Why would he want me?" Nanami burst out.  "He has YOU!"
Her gesture took in the Demon Goddess' mane of ice-blue hair,
alabaster skin, sculpted features, and lush figure.

Plastic and metal, though. Like a giant wind up toy more than a woman. :)

Well, that's the question, isn't it?  Obviously I agree, but if my mail on
this story is any indication, Ifurita has lots of fans who really don't
want to think of her that way... 

reason... but it occurs to me that my masters were all men,
powerful men, and they may have wished the most devastating
weapon at their disposal to appear female.

Like that would make any difference.

I prefer the "artistic irony" explanation, myself, but it's apparent that
many of the people who seek and attain power live in a really ugly place
inside their own heads.  I don't want to understand or sympathize with
that, but I can't deny it.

     "And, of course, I can't give him children."

     Nanami looked up at that.  "That's a lot more than 'lover'
you're talking about there.  You're talking 'wife'."

No. Concubine fits.

Objectively true, I agree, but not from Nanami's POV.  ;)
 

     "You love him that much?"

     Ifurita frowned a little.  "'Love' is not the right word.
Before Makoto, I wished for nothing more than to stop existing.

Really? She didn't seem to have any feelings along those lines. Mostly I
think it was because she had not experienced anything like emotions before.

Another interesting question, on which there isn't much unequivocal
evidence, if any... we only see Ifurita "before Makoto" for a couple of
minutes, and possibly in her own memories.  My opinion is that she was
showing irritability (of course, Jinnai could annoy a rock) and weariness;
she was perfectly functional, but was tired of destroying and of being
ordered to destroy.  Possibly even regret.

     "Of course I'd be jealous!" The harsh tone was back, and the
lovely blue eyes seemed to blaze with lightning.  "I got my
emotions from Makoto, and HE'D be jealous!

Makes it sound as though she's just holding a copy of Makoto's emotions
rather than having any of her own.

She's exaggerating for effect here, and also simplifying.  The question of
where and how she got emotions is an interesting one, but a side issue in
her conversation with Nanami.

I think she had some emotions before Makoto (see above), but interacting
with him expanded her emotional *range* enormously.  Even if most of her
emotions were borrowed from Makoto, which seems likely, they would
probably have diverged somewhat over her subsequent experiences. 
 

with you... because it should be.  Because..."  Nanami took a
deep breath to steady her voice.  "Because no one can take him
away from you."

Spoken like the voice of inexperience. Anything is always possible. People
change, sometimes for the better, and sometimes not.

Right.  I don't think Nanami is as experienced in this area as she
pretends to be.
 

     "Nanami...."

     "And anyone who tries to take you away from him needs her
head examined."

True

For a whole bunch of reasons.  :)
 

     Right on cue, a shout filtered up from downstairs, a shout
carrying a heavy cargo of worry, frustration, and where-the-hell-
is-my-girlfriend: "IFURITAAAAA!"

Heh. Nice way to phrase it.

Thanks.  :)
 

     Nanami watched them go and thought about the other reason
she'd turned down Ifurita's offer.  *I can find someone else, but
there's only one Makoto, and you need him more than I do.  I
guess I am your friend, after all.*

Nice wrap up to the story. Very minimal, and more of a way of explaining a
potential problem than much of a story per se,

That's a very good way to put it.  I seem to have a penchant for little
story-fragments which raise more questions than they answer... if I can
expand this without making it draggy, I may do so.

but anything EH is pretty
good, IMO. Badly underutiliazed series.

I want to read more EH fanfic too, and I don't know why there isn't more
than there is... well, I just have to write more myself, I guess.  :)

Prose flowed well, and no grammar
errors I could detect. Nice work.

Thanks, and thanks for writing back!
 

D.B. Sommer

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst   FFIRC Frog
Prime:  seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.


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