Richard E wrote:
Hi all, this is a fic I've been thinking about for a while, and I finally
decided
to start getting it down on paper, so to speak. I'm a little unsure about a
few places in this so far, so I'd appreciate any comments anyone has, good
or bad. Whether you do or not, I hope you enjoy!
Interesting.
This fic is best read in a fixed pitch font, and is formatted (I hope) to 76
columns. I've been influenced by several things, including fics I've read
from the FFML (Ranma & Akane: A Love Story in particular), movies,
books, games, pretty much anything and everything. I hope I can weave
a decent story out of it all. Chapter 2 should be coming soon.
This should be fun, then; I'm a great (mediocre, myself ;) fan of
Hallstrom-san's work.
This C&C brought to you by o/` 'Mahou no Tsubasa' o/`.
Everything I say is generally just my opinion, and you can freely
ignore me. Most people do, including myself. It's a healthy practice.
Concentration. Focus. Control.
Akane's brow furrowed as she concentrated, keeping an unsteady balance on
the bar. The voices of her classmates floated effortlessly past her,
seeming to come from a thousand miles away.
Repetition, 'concentration', 'concentrated'.
She swallowed, trying to ignore the pounding of her heart, which filled her
ears in a deafening rumble. She squinted her eyes, trying to find her
focus amongst the emptiness she found around her. A gust of wind raked
across her back, her skin prickling with goosebumps as an involuntary
shudder coursed down her spine.
I'm not sure that 'amongst' works the way you want it to in this
passage. Perhaps 'amid'?
Like the touch with the wind.
She was not entirely sure why she was so nervous. All she needed to do was
launch herself into a string of three backflips, then a final somersault to
dismount. Admittedly she wasn't the best gymnast in the school, but the
task at hand was not out of her reach.
If it's not out of her reach, why is she jumping for it? ;)
Perhaps it was the rows upon rows of fellow Furinkan students watching her
expectantly, waiting for her to make her move. The bar and other gym
equipment was outside rather than in the gym for the exhibition, and she
could feel the whole school waiting for her to move. Whatever the cause,
the nervous sweat that covered her body as a result did not make her feel
any better about staying on the bar.
was outside -- were outside (?)
It was an odd sensation that greeted her - opening her eyes, she found
herself hanging weightless, her view one of the bright blue sky. A bird
hung motionless in the air above her, its wings held open in mid-flap. A
strange kind of calm rushed through her body, her back muscles relaxing
as she felt herself drifting endlessly through a single moment.
'back muscles' sounds awkward. Why not just 'muscles'?
The sky rolled away from her, replaced by the horizon. She noticed the
blurred faces of her friends Yuka and Sayuri in the distance, offset
against the bar which appeared sharply in focus. She felt herself
tilting backwards and extended her hands upward, ready to catch the bar
as it spun toward her head.
bar which -- bar, which (I think -- as is, sounds like there are
several bars which are not in focus. Intentional?)
It was at that moment that she felt it. She was unsure what it was at
first; it seemed like two hot needles had been jammed into her
shoulderblades. She tried to ignore the feeling, but it burned itself
into her brain and she found herself unable to think of anything else.
She could feel herself... being watched?
Suggest new paragraph for that last sentence.
It was as though someone was staring at her, standing right behind her,
catching her in a private, secret moment. She felt her face flush with
embarrassment as a surge of adrenaline coursed through her body. She
could not fathom why but she felt profoundly unsettled. All thoughts of
the flip she was in the midst of disappeared into nothing, soaked up
by the dark feeling of paranoia that had suddenly stolen her mind.
why but -- why, but
Eee... I can't parse that final sentence very well -- you might want
to reword it.
A hot flash of fear surged through her muscles and she found herself
twisting to face the unknown threat, to try and catch a glimpse of the
eyes behind her back.
Her muscles? Not just through her?
Akane awoke slowly, a fuzzy haze hanging over her eyes and seeming
reluctant to leave. Vague memories of grassblades and vomit filled her
mind for a moment then faded, leaving a faint aftertaste of nausea behind.
She tried to sit up, but a searing pain lanced through her shoulder,
forcing her back down. She fell back onto her pillow, swimming in
dizziness and gripped the blanket, trying to stop the ceiling from
spinning quite so fast.
Grassblades? How far did she roll from the foam?
"Great. Just... great," she thought, staring at the sterile, white
ceiling. She must have made a complete fool of herself, falling off the
bar like she did, in front of the whole school.
How embarrassing.
Hm. Thought quotes in the first paragraph, but not the second. I'm
not sure if you need them, really. It seems to work fairly well even
without it.
Letting out a sigh, she looked back up at the ceiling, and -- there it was
again. She glanced back over at the door nervously as once again she felt
a dark paranoia take her. She was being watched, she could feel it in her
bones.
She noticed a darkness out of the corner of her eye, and jerked her head
to look at it. Her shoulder protested loudly, but she ignored the pain,
her eyes coming to rest on a person standing in front of the window.
A lot of 'she's in rapid succession. Might want to re-word one or two
to ease the strain.
The girl was shrouded in a thick black cloak that obscured her entire
body. Frigid air seemed to escape from beneath the black fabric and
brought a chill to the room, sending a painful shiver down Akane's spine.
The temperature in the room seemed to drop sharply, and Akane saw her
breath condense upon the chilled air as she let out a shaky breath.
Repetition, 'seemed'.
"Who are you?" she repeated, watching the girl who seemed to be staring so
intently at her.
Commage.
Repetition, 'seemed'.
"You've dislocated your shoulder," the girl said at length, "The doctors
have re-set it, but you're still in pain."
length, "The -- length. "The
The girl raised an arm, a small hand emerging from the cloak and moving
toward Akane's shoulder. Like her face, the girl's hand bore a scar. It
drew near Akane's arm, and Akane felt coldness spread through her.
The last 'it' referenced was the scar. And you didn't really say much
about the scar other than it was there. Might want to reword.
"You want to know who I am, I know," came the girl's voice, echoing through
Akane's consciousness. "My name is Ranma, and I'm here to protect you.
Get some sleep."
Hmm.
"I'll be straining myself in the tournament, Dad," Akane smiled, "I don't
think you'll be doing that for me too, will you?"
Missing speech indicator, and it _looks_ like you're breaking a
sentence with a comma.
"I just thought, with your injury and all..."
My understanding is that if a sentence ends with an elipsis, it
should have four periods instead of three. I haven't always followed
this rule myself, but that's my understanding of it, at any rate.
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellipsis.htm
Akane blinked, as she realized it was not just the memory; a shiver ran
through her as she became aware of the fact that she was freezing cold.
She ran her hands up and down her arms, fingers sliding against goosebumped
skin as she tried to infuse some warmth into herself.
Even in the furo?
A small gasp escaped her lips as she saw in front of her, where a moment
ago there had been nothing, the girl from the hospital room. She jumped
to her feet and instinctively covered herself with her arms, her shivering
forgotten.
In the furo?
"How did you ...?"
There's a space trailing the last word before the elipsis here, but
not previously.
Akane swallowed, a nervous sweat forming on her forehead. How on earth
did this girl know these things?
earth -- Earth (proper name of the planet, yes?)
"No, it's not," Ranma admitted, with a sigh. "I have a lot to tell you,
and I don't have a lot of time. In a few moments your father is going
to come in and tell you to go downstairs, and I don't plan on being
around when that happens. So, I'll try to be brief."
admitted, with -- admitted with
Isn't the furo on the first floor? (As an aside, why does everyone
think it's on the second?)
"I don't want anything from you," Ranma replied, with a sigh. She furrowed
her brow, deep in thought. "Damn it, I wish I had more time."
replied, with -- replied with
"I owe your family a great deal," she continued after a moment's thought,
"and I have a duty to perform. You're in danger, Akane, and it's my job to
protect you from that danger."
Is the trailing quotation from the prior paragraph neccessary, since
we're following the same speaker?
"It's a long story, and I don't have time now. There's so much I want to
tell you - but, now I have the chance, I can't think how to begin. I have
to go, but I'll meet you tomorrow, in your dojo. Perhaps it would be
easier to explain if ...
Here you don't use a trailing quotation. Consistancy.
"Yes," Ranma added, after a moment, "Bring Soun, too. Tell him I said
hello."
added, after -- added after
moment, "Bring -- moment. "Bring
"But--" Akane tried, but was interrupted as Ranma suddenly vanished. She
blinked in surprise, her eyes flitting from the edge of the bath to the
window and back. The window was still closed, and the door had not opened.
Where did Ranma go?
Who says he went anywhere? ;)
Invisibility is among the most handy of powers...
"Akane?" came her Father's voice through the door.
Father's -- father's (Not being used in lieu of a proper name.)
"Yes?" Akane replied, her eyes still fixed on the spot Ranma had stood in.
What on earth was going on? Who was this girl?
earth -- Earth
"Okay, I'm on my way," Akane replied, and the door closed. She stared for
several moments, her eyes fixed on that one spot. There had to be some
explanation for all of this.
I'm not sure why, but 'replied, and the door closed' doesn't sound
right, for some reason...
"Ranma," she whispered, again. "Such an unusual name ..."
whispered, again -- stylistic?
"Not a lot," admitted Akane. "I was distracted, and I lost my focus."
She sighed softly. Her father was in teaching mode, and obviously thought
a lecture was what she needed.
Why not combine those two into the same paragraph?
"Correct," Soun nodded. "You cannot afford to lose focus, Akane. Focus
and mental discipline are of the upmost importance."
Missing speech indicator.
"I'm sorry," Akane apologised, looking up at him. "But I have to tell you.
Something happened while I was on the bar. It was ... I couldn't stop
myself-"
apologised -- apologized
"Yes," Akane replied, utterly confused. "You know her?"
"Far too well," Soun replied with a sigh. "Far too well."
Repetition, 'replied'.
She waited for him to speak, but he remained silent. Several moments
passed before she spoke.
Repetition, 'speak', 'spoke'.
"I do know that," he nodded glumly, "that, my dear daughter, is the
problem."
Misssing speech indicator, and it looks like you're terminating a
sentence with a comma in there somewhere.
"All right," Akane nodded, glad to finally be getting somewhere.
Missing speech indicator.
"But tonight," Soun continued, reaching over to grasp at Akane's hand,
"You will kiss your Dad goodnight, and you will go to bed, and you will
get a good night's sleep."
hand, "You -- hand, "you
"No buts, Akane," Soun looked at her without anger or irritation. "No
buts, tonight."
Missing speech indicator.
Neither father nor daughter slept that night.
At all, or well?
The dojo was cold inside, and Soun's breath changed to mist upon the cool
morning air. He stepped cautiously, looking left and right at each step.
Akane followed him in, held back by his arm held across her shoulders.
Hmm. I always associated 'morning air' with outdoors.
"Stay behind me," he instructed. She nodded, silently.
Should Akane's action be in another paragraph?
"My life is in your hands; take it if you will," Ranma replied, lowering
her head further to expose her neck.
"Empty words," snorted Soun. "You know as well as I do that they mean
nothing."
"The spirit is willing," said Ranma, softly, "but the flesh is weak."
"You speak in riddles, and walk in circles."
"This is an answer, but not the answer you seek."
"It never is."
Which is all very well and good, but what does it MEAN?
Silence filled the dojo for a moment as Soun chose his words. Ranma
did not move, and Akane was too dumbfounded to speak.
Bah. They don't know either.
"Of what?" Soun asked, already knowing the answer. He sighed, and turned
away. "Take off that damn cloak before you answer, it's freezing in here."
Hm. I'm tempted to say that your PoV is shifting here, but it works
well enough. So I won't say anything. ;)
"As you wish," Ranma nodded, and reached up to unfasten the cloak. As she
raised herself to stand, it came loose around her neck and flowed off her
body, pooling in a black puddle of fabric near her feet. Almost
immediately, the warmth seemed to return to the room.
Missing speech indicator.
The first thing Akane noticed was a large sword strapped tightly across
Ranma's back. She swallowed, wondering how such a large sword was
concealed so completely beneath the cloak.
Those are a little hard to miss. That being said, what kind of sword?
Ranma stood a little shorter than Akane, a traditional Chinese shirt of
red silk that seemed several sizes too big was draped over her body, the
sleeves rolled up to the elbows, exposing well-toned forearms. She
reached back and slid the strap holding the sword to her over her head,
and lowered the sword to the ground, resting it upon the cloak.
Suggested:
Akane, a -- Akane. A
That strap is called a baldrick, I believe. But then, that's
European, not Japanese. My father had one, and it was a beast to
remove, even though drawing the sword was a simple matter.
Atop her head lay a thick head of cherry-red hair, that dangled down to
her waist in a thick ponytail. It was matted and dirty, but Akane was
nonetheless stunned by its radiant colour.
Repetition, 'head'.
Scars ran across Ranma's skin in various places; the two she had already
noticed, on the cheek and the forearm, were only the beginning. Scars
riddled the redheaded girl's body, mostly tiny scars that were not
really noticable, but there were several larger ones.
'she' here is Ranma, so you might want to substitute 'Akane'...
"Well what?" asked Ranma.
"Hunters," Ranma answered the question, surprised that it was being asked.
"They know about the Tendo heir, and they are looking for her."
"Hunters?" asked Akane. Her question went unanswered.
"I don't know," Ranma answered. "Their techniques are more sophisticated
these days, I don't understand half of the stuff they use to track me."
Repetition, 'asked' 'answered'.
"For nearly nine hundred years now, your family and mine have shared a
common enemy. We don't know who they are, but they hunt us without mercy.
I don't know how, but they've found out about you. I must take you from
this place before they find you."
Why do I have the eerie suspicioun that Ranma's been there some 900
years and such ago?
"I know it sounds strange, Akane," Ranma replied, sadly. "We don't have
a lot of time. We must go far from here. You and your family are in
danger as long as you stay here."
replied, sadly -- sounds like the author is disapointed that Ranma
replied. Might want to remove that comma.
"I can't leave!" Akane replied, angrily. "I'm not going to just leave my
family like that!"
Ranma: Family? What family?
Soun: Me!
Akane: Okay, you've made a good point, Ranma.
Soun: Hey!
"Akane," Soun interrupted, placing his hand gently on her shoulder. "I
hate to say this, but it is the only choice."
Soun's attitudes are inconsistant.
"Dad?" Akane asked, turning to stare at him. Surely her father could
not agree with such a bizarre statement?
See?
"She must accept it," Ranma countered, "the sooner, the better. We have
two days, three at most, before they find us here."
countered, "the -- countered. "The
She let out a cry as she swung a high kick past the dummy's head; a dull
thud answered her as the head broke off and tumbled to the grass below.
Past? Is that right?
Sighing, she kneeled and picked up the broken head. Another dummy broken.
Kuno: Ow.
Even when she was standing near, Ranma seemed only half-present, as if she
would be gone if one blinked or gazed away for just a moment. She had in
fact demonstrated her knack for that very trick on several occasions.
Twice isn't really several, is it?
Steam filled the room from, blanketing Akane's face in warmth as she
smiled. It was so relaxing in the bath, she could always forget about her
worries as she soaked away the evening.
room from... from what? Might want to reword the first sentence.
Thoughts continued to dart through her mind as to what she should do. Her
father had said nothing to her of the incident in the dojo that morning,
and Ranma had disappeared again.
Her anger had all but disappeared now, replaced by a burning desire to know
exactly what the heck was going on. Everyone seemed to be talking about
her and her life, and she was the only one who did not understand.
Repetition, disappeared.
"He didn't seem to appreciate you or your formality earlier," Akane
commented, allowing her barriers to drop a little, "what was that all
about?"
little, "what -- little, "What
"It's a very, very long story, Akane," Ranma replied with a sigh. "There
will be plenty of time to tell it on the road."
[Foreshadowing].
Erm. Never mind me...
"Mind if I join you in there? I haven't had a good warm bath in years."
My, my... moving quickly, isn't it?
"It's okay," Ranma replied, laughing a little. "I don't mind. It's not
often you see a body like mine, I guess. Although, it's usually boys who
stare, not girls."
Open mouth, insert foot, suck 'til hip.
"I'd be pretty curious about all this," Ranma remarked, looking down at
herself, "if I didn't see it every day. Well, where can I begin?"
"My father," she said at length, turning to face away from Akane, "is
here."
Okay, this is really confusing. You should drop the trailing
quotation mark from the first paragraph to make it clear that it's
Ranma still talking, or say 'Ranma', since 'her' is a little unclear.
"This," Ranma said, indicating a curving dragon that spiralled down over
her right shoulder and along her upper arm, "is Garyoutensei. I've carried
him since my father died."
'Adding eyes to the dragon'? Not bad.
"A finishing touch, appropriate name for a sword, I suppose."
Well... it's not quite the literal translation. But the name should
probably be in single-quotes as Akane names it.
"But," Ranma said, holding both hands up in an appeasing gesture, "I wanted
to always remember the story, so I had the dragon spirit tattooed on my
arm."
"And this," Ranma continued, standing so her waist emerged from the water,
"is a mark I was given the last time I told the story of how I was first
given Garyoutensei."
Reccomend dropping the trailing quotation from the first paragraph.
Ranma pointed at her stomach, where a small, individual kanji was tattooed
above a large horizontal scar across her stomach.
'individual kanji' sounds odd. Perhaps 'lone'?
"It's a long story," Ranma replied, lowering herself back in to the water,
"but apparently, anyone who carries that mark is invincible and immortal.
It doesn't sound like a bad mark to have, does it?"
Sheeesh...
"Yes," Ranma nodded, her face becoming serious. "I am."
"Tell me something. Why are you so sure I have to leave my home?"
Ranma sighed, all traces of the smiles and laughter draining from her face.
Her eyes changed, the sparkle disappeared as the pearls of blue seemed to
grow old the moment Akane asked the question.
She went serious a few lines back.
"You knew my mother?" Akane asked, eyes widening.
Her appareny age, at least, should give Akane pause to wonder.
"There are so many things I don't know about you," Akane sniffed, looking
down for a moment, "how old are you? Where is the rest of your clan? How
did you heal my shoulder?"
moment, "how -- moment. "How
"All right. I want to talk to my father before I leave."
No singing? :p
It was an interesting piece. I'd like to see more.
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T E N
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