----- Original Message -----
From: "Donald Lee Granberry" <noharness@mac.com>
To: "Dave Menard" <menard5078@rogers.com>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2002 9:08 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [fanfic][Ranma][LEMON]Comes the Cold Dragon: PartXIIIB
rev 6

on 1/9/02 5:19 PM, Dave Menard at menard5078@rogers.com wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Donald Lee Granberry" <noharness@mac.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2002 12:04 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][LEMON]Comes the Cold Dragon: Part XIIIB

rev

6

<Much Snippage>

Akane clamped herself around Ranma's throbbing manhood

I hate to say this, but "throbbing manhood" is a horrible, _horrible_
cliche in text based smut. It pops up (no pun intended) in Harlequin

novels,

Danielle Steele, Penthouse letters and half the stuff on A.S.S.M. I was
willing to let the earlier use of "throbbing" slide, since it wasn't
attached to "manhood" or "member" but I've gotta call you on this one.

It's

purple prose, if you'll pardon the expression; you might be better

served by

simply using a straightforward four-letter word instead. I mention this
because you're generally pretty tight with your prose. You can do

better,

and have in the past.

And yes, I have read a lot of smut in my day. I too was once a single
man.

This damned thing has had me pulling my hair out for days now. I'll see

what

can be done with it.

Now that that surreal little discussion is over... I've gotta agree with
Colleen in that Nabiki is verging on creepy in this chapter; unless you

plan

on introducing a real love triangle into the plot at this late date, you
might want to tone her lust for Ranma down some, especially if you want

this

to remain a prequel to your earlier story. If you've decided to drop the
connection between the two fics, then go nuts.

 Hmm, she isn't allowed a fantasy or two about the guy that just dropped

six

pounds of diamonds in her lap? I don't see the problem, really, but I'll
think about what you've said here.

I'm not saying she isn't; indeed, the Nabiki-Ranma subtext is one of the
reasons I love this fic. I'm just saying that by throwing it out in the open
in this chapter, both by their discussion in part a and her rather vocal
fantasizing in this part makes it seem like there's more there than sibling
affection mixed with some sublimated physical attraction. If Nabiki ahs
indeed fallen well and truly in love with Ranma, as this chapter seems to
suggest, then it's going to cause a _lot_ of problems in the long run. Not
entirely a bad thing, in terms of story potential, but just something you
might want to take note of.

The less said about the dread Purple Plastic Penis, the better. ~_^ I
guess it's the juvenile little hentai in me, but every time I scanned

the

words "Purple Penis" I started to giggle. I'd love to see a scene where
Nabiki's horribly embarassed minions draw lots outside a sex shop to see
who's going to go in and buy the "toys".

Yeah, okay. It was meant to be mildly humorous, but I should have known
better than to have tried it.

Oh, it _was_ humourous! That's what I was trying to say! Besides, you're the
man who came up with the Tilly-Do-It-Till-He-Yodels bit, I'm not unusued to
some semi-crude humour in your story, it's one of the wonderful little
things that makes your writing distinct. Keep the Dread Purple Penis. Just
promise me we'll have a seen later in the fic where someone offers Nabiki
half a grape popsicle and she runs blushing from the room.

Another thing I noticed: Your use of "I'm going!" I'm sure you didn't
intend this, but everytime I saw that, I couldn't help but think: Damn,
she's so turned on she doesn't know whether she's coming or going..."

(baps

self on head with wiffle bat)

NOPE! UH-UH! Here I stand my ground. This will NOT change.

Wasn't suggesting you should, just pointing out how my twisted mind works.
If you'd written "I'm coming!" we'd've doubtless had some pointless thread
about whether it's supposed to be spelt "coming" or "cumming" in that
context...

As for story points, etc. I didn't find this part gratuitous; you've
been building to it for some time, and it'd be cheap to create all that
sexual tension between Ranma and Akane without giving your readers an
in-camera payoff. Good for you!

Well, I really wish I hadn't now. This thing has been tough from the time

I

started it. My pre-readers and I alike have had problems with it. I may

let

it rest for a few days before trying to fix it.

Feh! Stick to your guns, man! If you think it should be included, include
it.




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