----- Original Message -----
From: "Donald Lee Granberry" <noharness@mac.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2002 12:04 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][LEMON]Comes the Cold Dragon: Part XIIIB rev
6

<Much Snippage>

       Akane clamped herself around Ranma's throbbing manhood

    I hate to say this, but "throbbing manhood" is a horrible, _horrible_
cliche in text based smut. It pops up (no pun intended) in Harlequin novels,
Danielle Steele, Penthouse letters and half the stuff on A.S.S.M. I was
willing to let the earlier use of "throbbing" slide, since it wasn't
attached to "manhood" or "member" but I've gotta call you on this one. It's
purple prose, if you'll pardon the expression; you might be better served by
simply using a straightforward four-letter word instead. I mention this
because you're generally pretty tight with your prose. You can do better,
and have in the past.

    And yes, I have read a lot of smut in my day. I too was once a single
man.

    Now that that surreal little discussion is over... I've gotta agree with
Colleen in that Nabiki is verging on creepy in this chapter; unless you plan
on introducing a real love triangle into the plot at this late date, you
might want to tone her lust for Ranma down some, especially if you want this
to remain a prequel to your earlier story. If you've decided to drop the
connection between the two fics, then go nuts.

    The less said about the dread Purple Plastic Penis, the better. ~_^ I
guess it's the juvenile little hentai in me, but every time I scanned the
words "Purple Penis" I started to giggle. I'd love to see a scene where
Nabiki's horribly embarassed minions draw lots outside a sex shop to see
who's going to go in and buy the "toys".

    Another thing I noticed: Your use of "I'm going!" I'm sure you didn't
intend this, but everytime I saw that, I couldn't help but think: Damn,
she's so turned on she doesn't know whether she's coming or going..." (baps
self on head with wiffle bat)

        As for story points, etc. I didn't find this part gratuitous; you've
been building to it for some time, and it'd be cheap to create all that
sexual tension between Ranma and Akane without giving your readers an
in-camera payoff. Good for you!

One more nitpick:

       "Don't worry, Ranma. I don't think that even Mr. Oudai
here," Akane tugged at Ranma flaccid penis as she said 'Mr.
Oudai,' "can get me pregnant at this time of the month."

       "Yeah?"

       "Mmhmm," Akane said. "It's just so unlikely it isn't
worth worrying about."

       "Are you sure, Akane?"

       "I knew this was coming, silly," Akane said. "I've
been very careful to keep track and I'm as regular as a
clock."

    They have a word for couples who use the Rhythm Method of contraception,
you know. They're called "parents".

    I can't help but wonder if this is what you intend...

    Anyway, I'll doubtless have much more useful C+C once the chapter is
completed. In the meantime, keep plugging away, CtCD is one of the best
ongoing fics on the list; it's always a joy to see a new piece make its
debut.

Cheers!

Dave Menard

You're the cutest of the Scoobies,
With your lips as red as rubies,
And your firm and supple... tight embrace!
-Xander, BTVS "Once More With Feeling"

Dawn's in danger? Oh. It must be Tuesday.
-Buffy, BTVS "Once More With Feeling"




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