on 1/9/02 5:19 PM, Dave Menard at menard5078@rogers.com wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Donald Lee Granberry" <noharness@mac.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 09, 2002 12:04 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][Ranma][LEMON]Comes the Cold Dragon: Part XIIIB rev
6

<Much Snippage>

Akane clamped herself around Ranma's throbbing manhood

I hate to say this, but "throbbing manhood" is a horrible, _horrible_
cliche in text based smut. It pops up (no pun intended) in Harlequin novels,
Danielle Steele, Penthouse letters and half the stuff on A.S.S.M. I was
willing to let the earlier use of "throbbing" slide, since it wasn't
attached to "manhood" or "member" but I've gotta call you on this one. It's
purple prose, if you'll pardon the expression; you might be better served by
simply using a straightforward four-letter word instead. I mention this
because you're generally pretty tight with your prose. You can do better,
and have in the past.

And yes, I have read a lot of smut in my day. I too was once a single
man.

 
This damned thing has had me pulling my hair out for days now. I'll see what
can be done with it.

Now that that surreal little discussion is over... I've gotta agree with
Colleen in that Nabiki is verging on creepy in this chapter; unless you plan
on introducing a real love triangle into the plot at this late date, you
might want to tone her lust for Ranma down some, especially if you want this
to remain a prequel to your earlier story. If you've decided to drop the
connection between the two fics, then go nuts.

 Hmm, she isn't allowed a fantasy or two about the guy that just dropped six
pounds of diamonds in her lap? I don't see the problem, really, but I'll
think about what you've said here.

The less said about the dread Purple Plastic Penis, the better. ~_^ I
guess it's the juvenile little hentai in me, but every time I scanned the
words "Purple Penis" I started to giggle. I'd love to see a scene where
Nabiki's horribly embarassed minions draw lots outside a sex shop to see
who's going to go in and buy the "toys".

 
Yeah, okay. It was meant to be mildly humorous, but I should have known
better than to have tried it.

Another thing I noticed: Your use of "I'm going!" I'm sure you didn't
intend this, but everytime I saw that, I couldn't help but think: Damn,
she's so turned on she doesn't know whether she's coming or going..." (baps
self on head with wiffle bat)

 
NOPE! UH-UH! Here I stand my ground. This will NOT change.

As for story points, etc. I didn't find this part gratuitous; you've
been building to it for some time, and it'd be cheap to create all that
sexual tension between Ranma and Akane without giving your readers an
in-camera payoff. Good for you!

 
Well, I really wish I hadn't now. This thing has been tough from the time I
started it. My pre-readers and I alike have had problems with it. I may let
it rest for a few days before trying to fix it.
 

One more nitpick:

"Don't worry, Ranma. I don't think that even Mr. Oudai
here," Akane tugged at Ranma flaccid penis as she said 'Mr.
Oudai,' "can get me pregnant at this time of the month."

"Yeah?"

"Mmhmm," Akane said. "It's just so unlikely it isn't
worth worrying about."

"Are you sure, Akane?"

"I knew this was coming, silly," Akane said. "I've
been very careful to keep track and I'm as regular as a
clock."

They have a word for couples who use the Rhythm Method of contraception,
you know. They're called "parents".

 
You can go to the well one too many times, that is true, but it does not
fail every time and seldom on the first time.

I can't help but wonder if this is what you intend...

Anyway, I'll doubtless have much more useful C+C once the chapter is
completed. In the meantime, keep plugging away, CtCD is one of the best
ongoing fics on the list; it's always a joy to see a new piece make its
debut.

 Good. I look forward to it. I hope to have the last section of Part XIII
out in a couple of days. I had hoped to have it out by tomorrow, but I've
been called out on a emergency job. Seems one of my clients upgraded to
Win2000 and now none of their database layouts will print correctly.
Hopefully this won't take too long to fix and I get back to my real work.
 
I wonder if Microsoft is EVER going to clean up their printing woes.
 
At any rate, the last part of Part XIII has been out to pre-readers and they
have responded in a heroic fashion so it shouldn't take me too terribly long
to get it out to FFML.
 
Thanks,
 
Don Granberry.
 

Cheers!

Dave Menard

You're the cutest of the Scoobies,
With your lips as red as rubies,
And your firm and supple... tight embrace!
-Xander, BTVS "Once More With Feeling"

Dawn's in danger? Oh. It must be Tuesday.
-Buffy, BTVS "Once More With Feeling"




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