On Tuesday, January 8, 2002, at 10:34  PM, Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

[Problems in the following: "Two years." is a sentence fragment, rather 
than
a complete sentence. I suggest something like "Two years, she thought to
herself." The next sentence should have "would renew," rather than just
"renew." It will or may happen in the future.]

That's really a stylistic choice rather than a problem. Fragments of 
this sort are generally acceptable in fiction. But I agree with "would 
renew."

Two years.  They renew their chase in two years.  It still stung her to
know that Ranma left without resolving this [The word "this" is 
acceptable
here, but "the" would read better.] engagement mess, but it
hurt more in  [I would replace the word "in that" with the word
"because."]that she never got a goodbye.

Akane didn't know why she took this road to go back home as in
the past it meant dealing with a whole load of trouble that she didn't
want.  In the past.  Now, walking past Kuno's mansion, the Nekohanten,
and Ucchan's was like a stroll in the park.

[The first sentence is actually two sentences run together without
intervening punctuation. It should be re-written as two separate 
sentences.
You followed that with a sentence fragment: "In the past." I would
incorporate that phrase into the second sentence of the re-written 
version.]

The first sentence is fine if you put a comma before "as." You may also 
want to consider commas surrounding "in the past."

The fragment is also stylistic.

Each of them had been to see her after Ranma disappeared.  After
they realized she was not lying about him being gone or hiding him
anywhere, they each had ["gone" rather than "went" I know. English is 
a pain.]
went back home quieter that she expected. Their
reactions [Use "varied" rather than "were varying."]were varying, with

Kuno['s] being the strangest of them all, [Put a period here. This is 
what
is known as a comma splice. You have put two complete sentences together
with a comma rather than separating them with a period and capital 
letters.]

coming back to ask about the tournament that Ranma was training for.

??? "Coming back to ask about the tournament that Ranma was training 
for" is NOT a complete sentence. This is not an example of a comma 
splice. I do still think it is a bit of a run-on, though, and it would 
be better to rephrase it. Something along these lines would do:

Their reactions varied, Kuno's being the strangest of them all, when he 
came back to ask....

His response after gave her some comfort in that he wasn't going
totally crazy, as he gave her his promise that he would defeat Ranma
there and then come back to reclaim her hand. [This last sentence is 
also a

comma splice. It should be two separate sentences.]

Errr...no it isn't. "As" is a coordinating conjunction which does its 
proper job combining the two sentences. However, I'd say "His response 
afterward" rather than just "after."

Shampoo and Ukyo followed, saying they would be leaving Nerima,
but that they would be back in two years.  While Shampoo seemed
reluctant, Ukyo was eager to head [This is odd usage. I suggest "get" 
rather

than "head," unless you want to use "head out" instead. This is almost 
an
idiom in English.] back on the road, mumbling something

^_^;;;;

Ummm...."head back" is idiomatically correct in the version of English 
that I speak...I suppose it might not be in others'....

about maybe seeing him while she traveled around Japan.  She [Which 
she? There

are three females being discussed. After some effort, the reader is 
able to
determine that the author intends this to be Akane, but it disrupts the 
flow
of the story.] was

surprised later, when the [delete the word "the" preceding this note.] 
Shampoo

came back on ["To" rather than "on."] her, asking for a favor.

To let her know if Ranma came back to visit. [This last is a sentence

fragment. I suggest something like " She asked that Akane let her know 
if
Ranma...]

This fragment is stretching it. I suggest:

Akane was surprised later, when Shampoo came back asking for a favor--to 
let her know whether Ranma came back to visit.

That's still a bit awkward, though.

Genkai noticed his hesitation and took his hand into her own.  "I
had been aiming for this ever since you came here.  For the first time,
your conditioning will not help you here.  Your body will be your
greatest enemy as you fight against it, to overcome this hurdle.  I
just wish that you could have remained here while I guided you past 
[The word

"past," is only properly used when speaking or writing about the 
passage of
time. English speakers do often abuse it just this fashion, and this is
dialogue rather than narrative, so no harm done. Just be aware that 
this is
the case.]

This is not the case.

http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=past

See where it says:

adv.

So as to pass by or go beyond: He waved as he walked past.

This is the only adverbial use of the word "past." Donny is correct in 
his usage. If this usage has ever been advised against by grammar 
mavens, my usage dictionary makes no mention of it.

Perhaps you are confusing this with the "passed" vs. "past" issue, which 
is a completely different matter.

it."

"I'll be fine, I'm Ranma Saotome," [Ranma's dialogue is in character, 
but you

have written it as a comma splice. That is not an acceptable practice. 
It
shoud read, "I'll be fine! I'm Ranma Saotome!"] he mumbled gruffly 
before

taking his hand back and turning away suddenly.  "I'll see you."

That one actually is a comma splice...you could also fix it by using a 
period or a semicolon, whichever you think best.

Genkai turned to head [Odd usage. English speakers expect to read 
"head for"

or "go back," but not "head back." It is NOT a rule violation, just
disruptively odd usage.] back home.

Err...^_^;;

See above.

funny and started to prod at every point he was [injured would work 
better

than hit.] hit.  [Separate the dialogue from the narrative. It should 
be ina
paragraph of its own.] "Okay, enough

already," he [Who moaned? Ranma right? Say so!] moaned as he doubled 
over in

pain.

Ah...there's only one male present. If suddenly another male arrived, it 
would be best to name names, but as it stands, the name Ranma is used 
enough, including in the following sentence, to tell who "he" refers to.

Being in Nerima had given him a chance to improve with all the
new things he had learned.  However, every growth had been in spurts
rather than the steady climb he had with his pop.  Though, he admitted,
the growth was not anywhere near as drastic as in the city. If anyone
had told him that Genma had coddled him, he would have laughed in their
face, but as he trained with Genkai, he couldn't help but wonder if his
father could have taken it one step further.

 [This entire paragraph is very difficult to follow. You should 
re-write it,
being careful to use complete sentences, preferably shorter ones than 
the
ones you have used here.]

I guess the difficulty level in following this paragraph is subjective. 
If there is a problem, I do not think it lies in the length of the 
sentences.

There was [is] something different about him, Ranma thought as he
limbered up.  The other boy [Ryoga rather than "the other boy."] was 
missing

his usual scowl[whenever] they were

together.  As for himself, he [Ranma rather than "he." Pronouns should 
be used

with great caution when more than one character of the same sex is in 
the
same scene.] didn't want to let Ryoga in on his

'injury' just yet.

Pronouns should be used with caution in such cases; however, "himself" 
cannot possibly refer to anyone but Ranma, since Ranma is doing the 
thinking in this paragraph. It is unnecessary to qualify "himself" with 
a "Ranma" immediately following the comma.

"I heard from Akane, that you'd left Nerima.  I'd thought I left
her in good hands.  I guess I was wrong." [Who spoke? Ryoga? Then say 
so!

Properly written, this dialogue should read as follows:

"I heard from Akane that you left Nerima, Ranma. I though I had left 
her in
good hands," Ryoga said. "I guess I was wrong."]

Many times, the speaker can be inferred. I do like adding in "Ranma" 
there, though:

"I heard from Akane that you'd left Nerima, Ranma. I thought I'd left 
her in good hands. I guess I was wrong."

Obviously neither Ranma nor Akari are speaking this line--Ranma from 
textual evidence (he wouldn't talk to himself) and Akari from pragmatic 
evidence.

Donald mentioned a lot more errors in his C&C than I did in my private 
email. A LOT more, even if a minor amount of them I wouldn't call 
errors. I personally don't like to go through and try to catch every 
error of every FFML post (like maybe Brian Randall is doing (hi 
Brian!))--it would take forever. Instead, I like to point out glaring 
errors one or two times and leave the rest up to the writer to fix. If 
you have difficulty proofreading your own writing--sometimes it can be 
much easier to catch the mistakes of others rather than your own--you 
should think about having one or more of your prereaders do a detailed 
proofreading. Or getting some prereaders if you have none.

Life and Times is one of the best megacrossover "Ranma Gets 
Everyone--Absolutely Everyone" stories out there, and it's good to see 
you're still working on it.

Peter


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