Beryl sat tensely on her throne, waiting for the next disaster.
Every day, something immensely stupid would happen, but today, it hadn't
happened yet.  Until it happened, she just wouldn't be able to go on with
her life.

	General Zwei-ite walked in.  "Your highness, I'm ready to explain
my next plan to you."

	Beryl, still somewhat shellshocked from weeks of dealing with her
first general, Jinnai, tended to expect Zwei-ite to become as insane as
the rest of her servants any day now, and thus did not trust this plan.
"Does it involve rubber pants?"

	"Not if I can help it."

	"Good.  What is your plan?"

	"Divide and conquer."  He turned to go.

	"You're going to have to be a little more precise," Beryl said,
tapping her fingers.

	"Actually, I hadn't figured the rest of it out."

	"Why did you bother to come and report to me if you don't actually
have a plan???"  Beryl waved her staff angrily at him.

	"General Ego told me you were going to kill me if I didn't come
report immediately."

	"I haven't even SEEN General Ego in several days.  Thankfully."

	"I accidentally ran her over with...okay, it was deliberate," he
said.  "I just can't stand her."

	"I keep thinking I had a really clever reason for making her one
of my generals, but I'm no longer sure what it was," Beryl said.  "It
can't possibly have been clever enough to justify dealing with them."

	"Because they would have been Tennis Warriors Uranus and Neptune,
and it deprives the enemy of their strength?"

	"I'm beginning to wonder if Pluto deliberately let me have them,
knowing what would happen."  

	"The Ransom of Red Chief, eh?"

	"More or less.  If only there was some way to saddle them with
some sort of burden like this."

	General Zwei-ite smiled.  "Hmm, now you've given me an idea, your
highness.  This is what I think we should do..."

*******************

Marmalade Moon, Episode 9:

"Zwei-ite's clever plan!"

http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/MMoon

by John Biles

********************

	Meiko sat in the backyard, looking up at the stars.  Luna came out
of the house and leaped up into her lap.  "A silver piece for your
thoughts," Luna said.

	Laughing, Meiko petted Luna and said, "I'm just wondering what it
means to be the Moon Princess.  Given there's no kingdom any more for me
to inherit."

	"There will be.  The time for magic kingdoms is coming around
again.  And it will be up to you and the others to help humanity through
that time.  That's why you've all been born again now instead of long in
the past, shortly after your deaths, the way it usually works when you're
reincarnated."

	Meiko asked, "So the power of magic moves in cycles?"

	"Yes.  There are ages of great magical power, and others where it
fades away almost completely.  Part of how Beryl is able to break through
now is that the magic level is starting to rise in certain places,
allowing her to touch the world there.  Such as here in Tokyo."

	Meiko looked up at the Moon.  "So everything died because it
needed magic to live and the magic faded?  On the Moon, I mean."

	Luna nodded.  "I believe that is so.  The devastation from the war
alone wouldn't have killed off everything on the entire Moon, I think.  It
was green and blue once, in the skies of Earth."  Her voice was sad.

	Meiko asked, "How powerful was I, back then?"  It was hard to
imagine having magical powers for real; she'd spent too much of her life
being powerless.  

	"You were very strong, but you had yet to come into the fulness of
your strength.  Your arts were better for other deeds than battle; that's
why you had your Tennis Warriors to defend you."

	Thoughtfully, Meiko swept her vision across the sky.  "There was
one Tennis Warrior for each planet, right?"

	"Yes.  Given that Uranus, Neptune, and Saturn may not have been
reborn, you may have to give their powers to someone new."

	Meiko blinked.  "Why wouldn't they have been reborn?"

	"Each of the Kingdoms contributed some of its warriors to defend
the borders of the Solar System.  They were not present when the Kingdom
fell, and thus, I'm not sure if Serenity was able to arrange for them to
be reborn with the rest of you."

	"And Pluto is probably guarding the Time Tunnel."

	Luna nodded.  "Yes.  Or otherwise busy with her duties.  Although
I suppose you could summon her with the Ring of Pluto."

	"Well, if she's busy, I'd best leave her to her work.   Luna, do
you think..."

	"Hmm?"

	"I suppose we could try tricking Mercury's computer into telling
us who all the Golfers were.  In their past lives."

	"Wondering who is Endymion, hmm?" Luna said teasingly.

	"Just wanting to get everything straight," Meiko said firmly.

	"Uh huh."

	"Really!" Meiko protested.

	"That's a good idea, though.  Why don't we give Nanami a call?"

	Meiko got up, lowering Luna to the ground.  "Let's."

********************

	Nanami grimaced at her computer.  I WILL beat it out of you.

	>Locate Golf Warrior Orion

	[FOUND]

	>Tell me location of Golf Warrior Orion

	["LOCATION OF GOLF WARRIOR ORION"]

	>Bastard

	[I LACK THAT SHOW IN MY MEMORY BANKS]

	>Where is Golf Warrior Orion?

	[TOKYO]

	>Where in Tokyo?

	[WHERE WHAT IN TOKYO?]

	>Tell me which golf warrior Yuu is, or I'll install Windows on
you.

	[YUU IS GOLF WARRIOR ORION.]

	Now we're getting somewhere, Nanami thought.  

	>Tell me who everyone was in the White Gold Millenium.

	[EVERYONE?]

	>Yes, EVERYONE, you MONKEY BOY OF A COMPUTER!

	[YOU ASKED FOR IT]

	The screen filled with an incessant sea of eternally scrolling
names whizzing by at hyperspeed, as the computer reported the White Gold
Millenium identities of every living being in creation.

	As might be expected, this would take some time which Nanami
filled in by shouting incoherently and futilely at her computer.

***********

	"Golfing therapy?" Yuu asked dubiously.

	"Nanami's insane computer claims that if we go golfing together,
we'll recover our memories faster," Miwa replied.  "And if we were all
masked golfers..."

	"I don't remember anything like that at all," Makoto said.  "In
fact, I should still be at home, as I'm still grounded!"

	"Well, golf is fun," Yuu said.  "Can't hurt."

	"Indeed," Namura-sensei replied.  "Let's go!"

*************

	Golfing therapy proved better at relieving stress than bringing
back memories of the Moon Kingdom, except for Yuu, who did get a few
memories stirred, enough to accept that he likely was Golfer Orion.  As
for the others, they still weren't sure.

	As they approached the eighth hole, they came upon a startling
sight.  Setsuna was here, playing golf with her parents and...with
herself?  There was a second Setsuna, dressed in blue and gold.

	The first Setsuna, dressed in red and green, turned and saw Ginta.
"Ginta!" she shouted, then waved frantically.  "How lucky we are to run
into each other here!"

	The second Setsuna looked at him and smiled broadly.  "He's as
handsome as you said he is!"

	"But you can't have him!" Setsuna protested, then turned back to
Ginta.  "Ginta, this is my twin cousin..."

	"Sister."

	"Sister.  Whatever.  Her name is Natsume."

	Ginta blinked.  "You never mentioned you have a twin sister."

	"It just slipped my mind," Setsuna replied.  "C'mon, Ginta, come
golf with us!"  She grabbed him by the arm.

	"Hey, I have to finish my game with them first," Ginta replied.  

	"Oh, don't mind us," Namura-sensei said.  "Four's the ideal number
for golf."

	"Go right ahead," Makoto said.

	"I don't mind," Miwa replied.

	"Do what you want," Yuu said.

	What I want is to be off doing something with Miki, Ginta thought.
Well, she won't try anything too crazy with her parents and twin sister
watching.  I hope.  "Okay, let's go then," he said.  "Do I get to bring my
score with me?"

	"I'll trade with you," Natsume said.

	"Nice try," Setsuna said.  "But no, you can't."

	"Let's get moving so we can get out of their way," Mr. Meiou said.
"Your turn, dear."

	His wife chipped her shot wildly into the water trap and sighed.
"Why am I playing this game?"

	"Because we needed four people," Setsuna said.

	"Why?"

	"Because I bought you that fine china yesterday," Mr. Meiou said.

	"Oh, NOW I remember," she said, faking a smile.  "Gosh, golf is
wonderful!"

	"Your turn," Mr. Meiou said to Ginta.

	Ginta stepped up to the tee with all eyes on him.  Don't screw up,
he told himself.  Not with everyone watching.  I just wish Miki was here
to see me make this perfect shot.  Well, it had BETTER be perfect.  

	He reared back his club for the swing, and managed to induce a
flashback in himself.

*************

	Golf Warrior Vulcan took several practice swings, feeling nervous
because Tennis Warrior Mars was watching him, along with Princess Serenity
and the other Tennis Warriors.  And a fairly large number of other people
as well.  

	"Go ahead and swing already before we die of old age," Tennis
Warrior Mercury said.

	He swallowed nervously, then reared back and swung, just in time
for his annoying cousin to pop out of the bushes and glomp onto Mars.
"Mars-chan!"

	His nerves jangled and the shot went wild.  It flew off to one
side, struck a tree branch and ricocheted, smacking Tennis Warrior Mars in
the forehead.  She gurgled and fell down with his cousin Haephestus still
clinging to her.  

	Endymion, tall and handsome with long black hair, put a hand on
his shoulder.  "If you start running now, you'll be out of her range by
the time she recovers," he said.  Then he stepped forward to take his
first shot.

	"Go, Endymion, go!" Tennis Warrior Venus shouted.  "Show them how
it's done!"

	Her squealing was perfectly pitched to throw off his sense of
direction at exactly the crucial moment of his swing.  The ball went wild,
hit a tree, and smacked him in the head.  Endymion down.  Princess
Serenity began to laugh hysterically, while many of the others laughed as
well.

	Golf Warrior Hermes, the least impressive looking of the Golf
Warriors, stepped up nervously.

	"Two to one says he whacks someone in the head," Tennis Warrior
Mercury said.  "Any takers?"

	"I know better than to gamble with you," Serenity said.  "When
you've got your little odds computer with you.  I'd be willing to bet he
whacks you in the head, though."

	"Hey, Hermes-chan would never whack me in the head with a golf
ball!"

	This proved correct, as Hermes, flustered by all of this, instead
took way too much backswing, lost his grip on the club, and let it fly,
whacking Mercury in the head.  "Ack!  Sorry, Mercury-chan!"

	Tennis Warrior Moon said to Golf Warrior Orion, "You'd better not
hit ME in the head."

	"Like this?" he noogied her.

	"Yes, like that!"  They wrestled around for a few minutes while
Golf Warrior Zeus stepped up to take his shot.

	He looked down the course, over at the tree, back at Tennis
Warrior Jupiter, then at the still prone and dazed Endymion.  He adjusted
his glasses, then swung wildly.  As he hit the ball, he shouted, "Jupiter,
duck!"

	She threw herself prone, and when the ball bounced off the tree,
it flew over her and smacked Moon in the head instead, knocking her down;
when she fell, she took Orion with her.

	"I thought as much.  Mercury, scan the tree."

	"She's still out," Hermes said from where he knelt near her.

	"Okay, YOU scan the tree," Zeus said.

	"It's just a tree."

	"I aimed AWAY from it, and it still hit the tree somehow.
Something is up!"

	"Pretty sky is up," Mercury babbled.

	The tree-demon, having had its cover blown, decided to just go for
the all out assault.

**************

	Ginta snapped out of the flashback just in time to see his shot
smack into a tree, bounce off, and whack Setsuna in the head.  She yelped
and went down.

	"Nice shooting, Tex," Yuu observed.

	"Oh, I'm sure Ginta-san didn't mean to do that," Natsume said.

	Ginta thought about his flashback, then eyed the tree warily.
Could it be another demon tree?  Maybe this was Zwei-ite's newest plan.
What better way to catch Golf Warriors than a heavily trapped golf course?

	I've got to get everyone to safety, he thought.  But how can I do
it without giving away too much...  Unless I deliberately knock everyone
out with my subsequent shots.  

	Yes, I'll have to do tha...no, wait, that would just make us more
vulnerable to assault.  He went over to Setsuna and helped her back up.
"I'm really sorry about that!"

	She blinked, then smiled at him.  "I don't mind, if it means I get
to have you hold me."

	He froze up at that.  

	She snuggled up to him.  "Let's make a memory!"

	"With everyone watching?" he whispered.

	"Hey, everyone.  I heard you were over here, gol..."  Miki trailed
off and stared at Ginta.

	Okay, demon tree, attack now and save me, Ginta thought.  PLEASE.

	"What are you doing, snuggling with Setsuna when you're dating
Arimi???"  Miki sounded quite angrily jealous, which pleased him by giving
him hope she still did care for him, and made him afraid she would
conclude from all this that he was too fickle to ever date.

	"Oh, sis is just very affectionate.  But not very good at it,"
Natsume said.

	Miki rubbed her eyes.  "I'm seeing double!"

	"She's Natsume, Setsuna's twin sister we somehow never heard about
before," Yuu said with a clearly dubious tone of voice.

	"Didn't you get grounded?" Meiko asked Makoto.  She'd come up with
Miki.

	"Yes, but I snuck out of the house."  He whispered to her,
"Namura-san thought we might get our memories back if we played some golf
together."

	She nodded.  "Good idea.  Miki and everyone play tennis a lot,
which would explain why they've gotten their memories back faster than the
four of you have."

	C'mon, monster attack any day now, Ginta thought as he
unsuccessfully tried to fast talk his way out of the situation he found
himself in.  

	Sadly for him, the monsters were not listening.

**************

	"This seems like an unnecessarily complex plan," Youma Britannia
said to General Zwei-ite as they sat at his living room table.  "Doesn't
law of Drama #263 say that any plan you can't summarize in a sentence will
always blow up in your face?"

	"Yes, but law #4 says the villain's plans always blow up in his
face anyway," Zwei-ite replied.  "The more distractions I give them, the
less likely they are to penetrate to the most important elements.  And
each of the distractions I'm arranging themselves use the laws of drama to
enhance their ability to distract."

	She looked at the plan.  "How do hordes of jello-eating Jehovah's
Witnesses figure into the laws of drama?"

	"Rule #325.  Everything goes better with jello."

	"Are you sure you want me to do what I'm supposed to be doing in
all of this?"

	"It will get them to trust you.  And don't do it until the right
time comes."

	"If I get the chance.  I haven't gotten to show off my..."

	"You will get your chance.  I'm about to set in motion an easily
foiled plot or five which will enable me to get all of my pawns in play,"
he said.  "Now, this is what you must do first..."

*************

	Arimi was quite certain she wasn't mad because Ginta had been seen
snuggling up to Setsuna.  She wasn't sure why else she might get mad, but
that certainly couldn't be it because she wasn't really dating him.  

	It was therefore necessary for a small angel and a small devil to
appear on her shoulders to resolve the issue.  Arimi-Angel said, "You are
in love with him, and you should admit it.  Otherwise, you wouldn't care."

	"Oh, you're just mad because he's messing up the big plan,"
Arimi-Devil said.  "You couldn't possibly be in love with him, because you
actually love Yuu despite the fact that he ignores you and repeatedly has
told you to get on with your life.  And he certainly isn't your destined
lover or any such thing.  Nope, nope, nope.  And I'm sure if you just keep
it up a little longer Ginta will succeed in his plans to woo Miki despite
his inability to keep Setsuna from pawing him and writing stories about
having sex with him and reading them to her entire class.  Yes, this
plan..."  Her voice was getting more and more mechanical and bored as she
continued.  "Oh stuff it.  Go after Ginta, so I can try to tempt you to
have sex with him, because this business of trying to make you end up
friendless and alone is BORING ME TO TEARS!!!"

	Arimi blinked.  

	"Now, go rip his clothing off before Setsuna does!" Arimi-Devil
said.

	"Don't rip his clothing off, just tell him how you really feel,"
Arimi-Angel replied.

	"But I don't know how I really feel," Arimi said.  "I thought I
was in love with Yuu, but..."

	"You want hot monkey love with Ginta and you want it now!"
Arimi-Devil bellowed.

	"You want to have an ice cream sundae with Ginta," Arimi-Angel
said.

	"I think I could go for some coffee," Arimi said thoughtfully.

	"Coffee???" the angel and the devil both asked in confused unison.

	"It always makes my hallucinations go away," she said.  

	"You want your coffee with cream and sugar," Arimi-Angel said.

	"You want it straight!  In fact, you want a triple-expresso mixed
with Jolt so you can vibrate through walls in case a monster shows up!"
Arimi-Devil said.

	"Will it make you shut up?" she asked the devil.

	"It'll make me incoherent anyway."

	"You're already incoherent," Arimi-Angel pointed out.

	"And I think I'd better call Ginta and figure out what we're
doing," Arimi said.

	"Sex on the table, that's what you're...ooohf!"  Arimi finally had
enough and slapped the Arimi-Devil off her shoulder and into a potted
plant.  "Just doing my job!  You don't have to get violent!  I'll call my
union!  I'll sue, I'll..."

	The Suzuki family cat looked curiously at the Arimi-Devil and
batted at it with a paw.

	"Hey, don't leave me with the cat!" Arimi-Devil shrieked.

	"You're just a figment, it can't hurt you," Arimi said, and then
she walked off.

	"Oh, right," Arimi-Devil said, and vanished when Arimi stopped
paying attention to her.

****************

	"Ginta, can I ask you a question?" Arimi asked Ginta at the coffee
shop.

	He sipped his coffee, then replied, "Sure."

	"Have you ever been kissed?"

	Kill me now, he thought.  "Well, it, uh..."

	Why is he...  The truth struck her.  "You kissed Setsuna, didn't
you."

	"Technically, she kissed me," he said weakly.

	Arimi felt the desire to strangle Ginta welling up inside her.
She fought it down.  So much for kissing him to see if I like it, she
thought.  "You do realize that this sort of thing isn't very good for our
plan.  Or have you switched plans without telling me?"

	"Hey, Setsuna is the one who is after me!"

	This was demonstrated by Setsuna walking up to him, sitting down
in his lap, and kissing him, much to everyone's surprise.

	Arimi's coffee began to boil as she glared at them.  "Excuse me,
but you're kissing my boyfriend!" she announced.

	"I don't see your name on him," Setsuna said, sticking out her
tongue.  "You like it when I kiss you, don't you, Ginta?"

	Ginta stammered incoherently, unwilling to admit he did like it
with Arimi watching, and feeling he ought to have done something to
prevent it, though he wasn't sure what.  Finally, he said, "Setsuna, Arimi
is my girlfriend!"

	She shook her head.  "You two are just plotting to break up Miki
and Yuu, even though Miki and Yuu aren't actually formally dating."  She
waggled a finger at Arimi.  "You've been naughty.  So has Ginta, but I
want him to be naughty."

	Arimi got up and came around the table.  "Get off my boyfriend!"

	"I wouldn't mind getting off on your boyfriend, but..." Setsuna
began.

	I can't believe she's acting like this, Ginta thought.  She's
being a complete...and with Arimi watching too!

	"Ginta, are you going to let her do this?" Arimi demanded.

	Ginta wiggled out from under Setsuna.  "Setsuna, I'm not in love
with you.  Arimi is my girlfriend, and no, we're NOT just doing this to
break up Miki and Yuu!"

	"Hmm, maybe I misunderstood," Setsuna said.  "You're not gay, are
you?"

	Ginta turned beet red.  "WHAT?"

	"Maybe you're actually after Yuu," she said thoughtfully.

	Arimi STARED at Ginta.  "You're after my YUU?"

	"I am not gay!  I'm not after Yuu!  I'm NOT!"  He stamped his foot
to give emphasis, then realized all the other customers were staring at
him.  "I'll prove it to you!"  He grabbed Arimi and swept her into a kiss.

	They kissed in silence for a minute or so while Setsuna watched
and tapped her foot.  

	When he let go, all Arimi could do was stare at him in shock and
feel her heart pound. He wasn't quite up to much more than that either.
Finally, he said feebly, "Arimi, I, uhh..."

	"Oh, I can kiss you better than that," Setsuna said.  "We should
have a kissing contest to see who gets you!"

	"..."  Arimi stared at her.

	"Setsuna, just go..."

	And then there was an explosion across the street, and dozens of
two foot tall purple gremlins streamed out of the ice cream store.

	Oh, NOW we get the monster attack, he thought.  It would help if I
knew how to actually TRANSFORM when I need to and...Setsuna!  Have to get
her to safety.

	Arimi said, "I have to...go to the bathroom.  Ginta, get Setsuna
out of here!"

	He nodded and ushered her out the door and down the street.  She
wrapped an arm around him as they walked.  "Well, if it took that to get
us alone, I'd have hired some monsters myself."

	"Setsuna, what has gotten INTO you today?" he asked.  "You're
just..."

	"Just having fun.  Did you see the expression on Arimi's face?"
Setsuna giggled, then kissed Ginta's cheek.  "I like you."

	"You've made that rather clear," he said weakly.  He could feel
his instincts pulling him back towards the monsters, towards Arimi, but he
knew that until he learned to access his powers at will, there was nothing
he could do.

	Tennis Warrior Mars emerged from the coffee house and began
speechifying.  Pretty soon, gremlins were flying everywhere with large
lumps on their heads.

	"Wow, she's good," Setsuna said.

	Tennis Warrior Mars grabbed one gremlin, tossed it up like a
tennis ball, and power served it into a fire hydrant, which burst open and
began spraying water everywhere, including all over her.  

	"Geez, flimsy hydrant," Setsuna said.

	"It's a gremlin, they break things," Ginta said, not sure how he
knew that.  

	"Oh," she said.  "You know, Tennis Warrior Mars looks really
angry."

	"Perhaps she was watching you carrying on," he said irritably.
"And felt outraged."

	Setsuna laughed.  "Oh, like she'd care.  And I don't think you
really want me to stop."

	"What???"

	Before Setsuna could elaborate, they realized that the water
spraying everywhere was negating Mars' attacks, and when it hit the
gremlins, they budded off more gremlins.  Now she was about to be
overwhelmed by the ever-swelling horde.  Ginta could feel something
building up inside him trying to get out.  I'm about to transform, he
thought.  But I can't do it in front of Setsuna...

	"She's going to lose," Setsuna said in surprise.  She pushed
Ginta.  "Do something!"

	"I...uh..."

	"Be a man!  Save her!"

	He gulped.  "Right."  He looked around and spotted a handy
payphone.  "Setsuna, call the police.  I'll go deal with this."

	She nodded and headed over to the phone while he ran towards the
gremlins, looking for something to whack them with.

	The transformation took him as he ran, and then he knew what to
do.  He whipped out one of his clubs and charged the fire hydrants ruins.
Charging it with fire, he brought it down repeatedly to batter the remains
of the hydrant into a new seal for the pipe access.  This was fairly
exhausting, and by the time he'd finished, the gremlins had strung up Mars
from a nearby lightpole.  "Get me DOWN!" she shouted.

	"Call for backup!  We need help!" he said.

	She managed to wiggle her communicator out to try to call for help
while he expertly knocked gremlins about with his five iron.  However, he
quickly realized he wouldn't be able to keep this up forever, as there
were dozens, maybe hundreds of the little creatures.

	"Moon, we need help!" Mars said when Moon finally answered her.

	"Sorry, being attacked by angry shoujo manga!  Can't talk!" Moon
said, then got hit in the face by Koko Wa Greenwood Volume 2.  The image
fritzed out.

	"..."

	Several more calls revealed that just about everyone was having a
crisis, except for Nanami, who was at home, grounded, and couldn't get out
of the house without getting her butt kicked by her parents.  "I can sneak
out anyway if you really need me."

	Mars thought about what water did to her opponents.  "Maybe you
should go help one of the others and free them up," she said.

	"Hmm, I'll try running an analysis on my computer, and see if I
can give you any good advice," Namami said.

	"Thanks.  We could use the help."

**************

Tennis Warrior Moon batted away another shoujo manga with her racket, but
they just kept coming.  "Meiko, run for the bathroom.  They can't open
doors!"

Meiko took off running while Tennis Warrior Moon covered her retreat.
Once she was safe, Moon started looking for the youma animating the books.  

	Said youma turned out to be a purple-skinned woman clad entirely
in tankobons.  She was busy directing a pack of Azukin Cha-Cha manga to
devour some unfortunate blonde fellow when Tennis Warrior Moon arrived.
"Manga are not for eating the flesh of the living!  I am the lovely Tennis
Warrior Moon!  And in the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

	"Volume twenty-six, chew on his foot.  No, his _foot_.  Does that
look like a foot to you?  No, that's a shirt collar!"  Youma Tankoban
continued to chew out the manga, which just couldn't follow directions,
perhaps because they had no brains.

	"Hey!  I'm making a speech here!"

	Youma Tankoban spun on one foot.  "Look, I'll have you eaten alive
later, okay?  I'm busy trying to take care of this fellow before his
deranged friend comes back."

	"But I'm Tennis Warrior Moon!  I'm here to stop your reign of
evil!"

	"Whatever.  Go cosplay over there; we'll get you killed soon
enough."  She made shooing gestures with her hands.  "Now, go, go."

	"I'm the real thing!"

	"Too flat-chested, and you haven't tripped once."

	"I am not flat-chested!"  Tennis Warrior Moon was getting mad.  

	"And you should be blonde."

	"..."

	"Anyway, back to work."  She turned back to the manga.  "Ears are
not feet!"  She grabbed the errant volume and tried putting it on one of
the victim's shoes.  "See, this is a foot.  Okay, it smells bad, but..."

	Moon kicked Youma Tankoban in the butt, causing her to fall down
on her victim.  "Hey, that hurt!" Youma Tankoban complained.

	"Well, duh!  I'm here to smite you!"

	She sighed.  "People have NO patience these days.  You want a
smiting?  Ranma Manga, attack!"  Dozens of volumes of manga flew off the
shelves at Moon, who leaped up and landed on Tankoban's head, then dropped
down behind her, grabbing her arms and shoving her into the path of her
own horde of carnivorous manga.  They quickly devoured her, and the spell
broke, turning them back to normal.

	"Using manga for evil instead of entertainment just isn't right!
I will smite..."  Golfer Orion paused.  "Hey, you took her out before I
could save you!"

	Meiko came out of the bathroom.  "Good job, Miki," she said.

	"Are you okay?" Moon asked her.

	"I'm fine," she said.  "You guys had better get going to help the
others."

	"You'd better come with us," Moon said.  "I've got a bad feeling
this might be intended to keep us all pinned down so they can strike at
you."

	Meiko blinked.  "You really think so?"

	"It just seems kind of suspicious to me that all of us who weren't
grounded got attacked at once," Moon continued.  

	Orion nodded.  "That makes sense, Moon.  But how did they know
where to attack us?"

	Meiko said, "Well, if Mercury's computer can find people, other
people could make magic to find people, right?"

	Moon nodded.  "I'm afraid of that."  She sighed.  "We should have
brought Luna with us, but a lot of stores don't like pets."

	"I just wish the ring of Pluto gave me some more useful powers,"
Meiko said.  "But charming historians and knowing what time it is all the
time just isn't much help with monsters."

	"Well, once we get all the rings, then you'll have all your powers
back.  But until then, we'll protect you, Meiko," Moon said firmly.
"Right, Y...Orion?"

	"Right.  You're safe with us."

	Meiko smiled.  "Thanks."

	"We'd better go save Arimi's butt," Moon said.

	"Are you sure Jupiter and Tennis Mask won't need us?"  Orion
asked.

	"He called me to see if I was okay.  They're on their way to go
help Mars and Vulcan," Meiko said.  "Maybe we'd better go make sure Venus
doesn't get beaten up too much by the possessed baseball players."

	Orion nodded.  "Right.  Off we go, then."

***************

	Artemis leaped onto the pitcher's head, right as he reared back to
try to smack Venus in the back of the head with a baseball.  The possessed
player staggered about, yelling, while Artemis bit him and tried to make
him drop the ball.  "Watch out for the shortstop!" he yelled to Venus.

	Venus had her racket in one hand and a bat in the other.  She
leaped and spun and swung wildly, sending possessed pro baseball players
flying everywhere.  So much for this autograph session, she thought.  This
never happens to Sana.  What did I do to deserve this?

	Pirouetting gracefully, she battered the shortstop aside, then
leaped up onto a second baseman's head and used it to vault towards the
umpire, who she was pretty sure was the youma responsible for all this.
One fastball special later, he was sprawled out on the ground, but the
possessed baseball players kept coming.  

	I can't keep this up forever, she thought.  Shouldn't someone be
showing up to save me?  My des...  The realization suddenly hit here that
she didn't HAVE a destined lover.  She'd been too young when the Moon
Kingdom fell to be allowed to date yet.  So who comes and saves me when
I'm in trouble?  

	Artemis hamstrung one of the coaches, who was about to try to
throw his case of chewing tobacco at her.  "Thanks, Artemis!" Venus
shouted, then suddenly felt a burst of fear.  If my destined lover is a
cat, I'm going to cry, she thought.  Although at least he is a cute cat,
but still...

	"You're welcome!  I'm sure the others will be here to help us
soon!"

	"Mrowr!"  Luna leaped down from the stands and landed on a lunatic
with a bat, startling him so he fell down.  "Just hold on a little longer!
Tennis Warrior Moon will be here soon!"

	Venus parried a bat-stroke with her bat, then brought her racket
around to sweep the player's legs.  "Luna, why don't I have a destined
lover?"

	"You're too young."

	"It's not because I'm not cute enough, is it?  I mean, I can work
harder on that," Venus said, elbow smashing another player, then taking
her batt to his posterior, sending him sprawling.

	"You're cute as a button," Luna said, dodging another player, then
hurling her body at the back of his knees as Artemis leaped on his head.
The man fell and they both ran for cover.  

	"What kind of button?" Venus asked.

	"Is she always like this?" Luna whispered to Artemis.

	"A shiny mother-of-pearl button shaped like a heart," Artemis
shouted, then nibbled on a zombie's ankle, after which he whispered to
Luna, "Actually, this is one of her better days."

	Luna thanked all the gods that she'd found Miki instead of Suzu.  

	"Oooh, that's a really cute button!"

	"Creatures of the night, I have come to put an end to your evil
rampage."  Britannia stood up in the stands, gesturing wildly with her
spear.  "For none of you are mighty enough to stand up before my...my..."
She checked her notes.  "My imperial might.  For I...dammit, I smudged
this and now I can't read it."

	From the stands, the lone sports announcer, who had remained to
keep up a play-by-play of the brawl, said, "Technically, they're not
creatures of the night, as it's broad daylight."

	"Ahah!  You must be their master!"  Britannia shouted.

	"No, I'm just a lowly sports announcer!"

	"That's even WORSE!" she shouted, then hurled her spear at him.
"At least monsters can't help what they are!"

	Youma Cosell took the spear through the chest and howled as he
burst into flame and burned away.  "And it looks like Britannia needs to
work on her aim, as that went through my spleen instead of my heart," were
his last words.

	Britannia said, "Not unless your spleen's migrated to your upper
body!"

	The zombies all turned back to normal and collapsed, exhausted.

	"The heart is under the left breast, right?" she asked Venus.

	"Home is where the heart is," Venus replied, sagely.

	Britannia tried to figure that out while Artemis said, "Yes.  How
did you know he was the youma?"

	"Well, if he wasn't, he was still a sportscaster."

	"It was a mercy killing," Venus said.

	"Right..."  I'm surrounded by lunatics, Artemis thought.

*****************

	Mars would have slapped her forehead if her arms hadn't been tied.
I could super-size myself!  She did so, breaking out of her bonds in the
process as her transformation sequence melted them.  Then she realized the
flaw in her plan--it left her twenty feet in the air with no means of
support.  She managed to land on some gremlins, squashing them, but her
legs ached.  

	Her communicator beeped, so she leaped up on top of a nearby
parked car, yelling at Golfer Vulcan to join her as  she did so.  Nanami
said over the communicator, "Well, I found the weakness of the gremlins.
They're 'hooked on phonics', according to my computer."

	Mars looked at her dubiously.  "Are you sure it isn't lying?"

	Nanami turned to her computer.

	>Are you lying to me?

	[LIKE A MAD DOG]

	>Tell me their REAL weakness, or I'll use you to play my N'Sync
CDs.

	[THAT'S A VIOLATION OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION!!!]

	>Ask me if I care.

	[HRMPH.  TELL MARS TO SUMMON THE SPEAR OF MARS USING THE RING
SHE'S WEARING, THEN USE IT TO SET SOMETHING ON FIRE, AND USE THE RING'S
ABILITY TO 'AFFECT NORMAL FIRES' TO MAKE IT FLARE UP TO HUGE BRIGHTNESS.
GREMLINS TEND TO BE NOCTURNAL.  THIS WILL BLIND THEM.]

	>But is a fire caused by a flaming spear a 'normal' one?

	[IT IS ONCE IT STARTS JUST BURNING SOMETHING THE MUNDANE WAY]

	Nanami passed the information on to Mars, who concentrated.  Soon,
she was holding a long flaming spear.  To her surprise, it didn't burn
her.  

	Mars now looked around for something flammable that wouldn't be
missed.  Vulcan pointed to a large sign proclaiming Madonna's upcoming
tour of Japan.  "There's something evil you can burn."

	"Right!"  She leaped off the truck and smote the sign with the
spear.  It began to burn merrily.  "Hey, gremlins!" she shouted.

	The gremlins turned and stared.  She concentrated and the sign
flared up very brightly, blinding the gremlins.  And her, since she forgot
to look away from it.  "Dammit."

	Tennis Mask and Jupiter now roared up in a battered car.  "Anyone
left to fight?" Tennis Mask asked.  He was wearing an Elvis mask today.

	Vulcan leaped down and got Mars, then jumped up on top of Tennis
Mask's car.  "All those blinded gremlins."

	A barrage of tennis and golfballs later, the gremlins had all been
eliminated.  

	Mars finally got her sight back, finding herself standing very
close to Vulcan, who had an arm around her.  She leaned against him,
wondering how he really felt.  I know he's kissed Setsuna, but the way he
kissed me, back in the coffee shop...could it mean he really likes me?  He
was kind of nice.  Not Yuu, but then, she'd never really had any luck with
Yuu.  Not for real.  

	Jupiter felt a faint surge of jealousy, watching the two of them,
but she tamped it down.  I wish I could do that with Shinichi-kun, she
thought.  

	Tennis Mask said, "Are you two going to want a ride home after
this is all done?"

	"We'd better make sure no one else needs us first and..."  Golfer
Vulcan paused.  "Setsuna.  We need to make sure she's okay."

	Mars frowned.  "I'm sure she's safe, since we sent her off to call
the police."

	"Well, best to be sure," he said.

	Setsuna settled this by hug-tackling him.  They both nearly fell
off the car.  "You were magnificent!"

	Vulcan stared at her.  "You know?"

	"I watched you two transform!  I'd been suspecting it for a while.
I got to see your butt!"

	Vulcan tried to will himself to just die.

	Then from nearby, Setsuna said, "Natsume, making out with men in
tuxedos on top of cars is very improper."

	Vulcan stared at 'Setsuna', then at Setsuna.  "You're Natsume???"

	"Oops, looks like this little prank's been blown," Natsume
mumbled.  "Just keeping your boyfriend warmed up for you, sis!"

	"That's not my boyfriend!  Ginta is my boyfriend!"

	"This is Ginta!" Natsume shouted.  

	Vulcan put a hand over her mouth.  "Natsume got hit in the head by
the gremlins and is somewhat deranged, ma'am.  Can you take her home?  She
needs rest."

	"Of course," Setsuna said.  "I'm sorry if she bothered you,
Mr....?"

	"I'm Golfer Vulcan."

	Setsuna looked around.  "Oh wow, it's some of the Tennis Warriors!
And that goofy looking guy with the masks."

	  Tennis Mask twitched.  Jupiter smiled.  Mars said, "That's us.
There's a lot of monster attacks today, so be careful with your cousin."

	"Sister."

	"Whatever."

	"I'll be careful."  She took Natsume.  "Have any of you seen
Ginta?"

	"Who is Ginta?" Vulcan bluffed.

	"He's Arimi's boyfriend, the tall, stupid guy," Mars said
irritably.

	"Stupid?  Stupid!  I...he...rrrrrrr."  Vulcan grumbled.

	"Any idea where they are?"

	"He's going to be doing penance for trying to have two girlfriends
at once for a while," Mars said.  

	Vulcan sweated nervously.

	Setsuna frowned.  "Well, we'll see about that."

********************

	Tennis Warriors, golfers, Britannia, and all, gathered at a coffee
shop to try to figure out why they'd all been attacked at once.  "I'm
inclined to suspect that Zwei-ite was after the Rings," Yuu said.  "The
main attacks came against Venus and Mars, who both wear theirs, and
against Moon and Meiko, who have Neptune and Pluto's rings.  No one
attacked me at Junk Jungle, or Momoi-sensei or any of the rest of us."

	"But how did he know where we were?" Venus asked.

	"He may have people watching us, who learned our secret
identities," Ginta speculated.  "As Natsume sort of spied out mine and
Arimi's."

	"We have to be careful," Namura said.  "I'm sure Zwei-ite could
wreck a lot of havoc on our lives if he knows who we are.  He may simply
have had some way to seek out the rings, as I'd expect he'd be taking
people's families hostage if he actually knew who we are.  Did any of you
actually get directly attacked or did the attacks just happen nearby you?"

	Miki thought about it.  "It started near us, but it wasn't really
targetting us specifically."

	Guenevere said, "Venus' attack DID seem to be specifically
targetted at her."

	"Ours wasn't," Arimi said.

	"Well, I'm not sure if they knew that I, the beautiful  Sakama
Suzu, was actually Tennis Warrior Venus," Suzu said.  "As the baseball
players just sort of rioted everywhere."

	"We've got to come up with some sort of a plan to get to him
before he gets to us," Yuu said.  "As long as we're just reacting to his
plans, we'll never beat him once and for all."

	"I have a plan," Meiko said hesitantly.  "Although I'm not sure if
it's a good one."

	"Fire away," Miki said.  "You're a better planner than I usually
am."

	"Well, you see..."  She was scared of her own plan.  But if they
wanted to catch Zwei-ite, they would have to use bait.  "We'd have to
figure out where to do it.  As I haven't figured out that part of it.  But
basically, what we'd want to do is to let him know somehow that I'd be at
some place with the rings, and make it look like all of you will be
somewhere else.  That way, he'd strike at me, and then we could all spring
the trap on him.  I'm sure he probably carries the rings on himself so he
can use their powers."

	Miki's eyes widened.  "But Meiko, that's really dangerous for
you!"

	"But if it's me, he won't bring a big army or anything, as he
knows I can't really fight, I'm sure.  That will make it easier to defeat
him."

	Miwa frowned.  "But you could get hurt."

	"Anyone we use as bait could get hurt," Meiko said a little more
firmly.  "But for whatever reason, the monsters have seemed to have a
harder time using their powers on me than on other people.  I guess it's
because I'm the princess.  And...well...if I'm the Princess, then I need
to act like one."  Her voice grew firm.  "I'm the most vulnerable, and
thus the one he's most likely to take the chance to jump if he can, if
there's a reason to do so.  Now, there's a lot of this plan which still
needs to be worked out.  I don't know what would be a good place for us to
ambush him, though I expect it will have to be on the weekend.  We need
somewhere with lots of concealment, and isolated enough that we can fight
him without people wandering into it."

	"Your family has a beach house, right, Meiko?  We could go out to
it for the weekend and sort of drop hints to this...uuumm...somehow.
Anyway, it's out in the countryside and so on, so it would be fairly
isolated, right?" Miki said.

	"Good idea," Meiko replied.  "We should go this weekend and scout
things out and prepare a good ambush place, then leak the information the
next weekend."

	"But how are we going to leak anything to the Dark Kingdom?" Arimi
asked.  

	"Well...I can think of one possibility," Yuu said.

	Everyone turned to face him.  "What is it?" Miki asked.

	"I think Natsume is a clumsily planted Dark Kingdom spy.  Probably
placed to keep us from noticing a more subtly planted one."

	"..."

	"She's too pretty to be evil," Suzu said.

	"She's after my boyfriend along with her sister," Arimi said.
"But you don't have to be Dark Kingdom to do that."

	"I went and looked up some records.  There's no birth  certificate
for Natsume, no pictures of her at the schools she supposedly
attended...and wouldn't you all have met her  when you had that party at
Setsuna's?"

	"I was too busy trying to not die of embarrassment to notice when
I was at Setsuna's," Ginta said.  Arimi stared at him suspicously.

	"But she...I mean..."  Miki frowned.  "You're right, we really
ought to have noticed _something_."

	"But why plant a spy so clumsily?" Namura asked.

	"To keep us busy, so that we don't find any real spies in our
ranks," Yuu said.  "Or planted in our school, more likely, as I'd expect
it would be hard for any youma to take the place of one of us."

	"I would't be surprised if my cousin turned out to be a youma,"
Ginta muttered.

	"We need some way to detect if people are Dark Kingdom agents,"
Miki said.  "I suppose it's possible Natsume is a Dark Kingdom spy, but
she just doesn't act evil enough."

	"Well, you don't pick people who radiate 'I am evil, please shoot
me' to be a spy unless you're stupid," Yuu said.  "And I don't think
Zwei-ite is that kind of idiot."

	"True, true," Miki said.  

	Luna said, "The mask I gave you way back when we found Mars ought
to be able to smoke out youmas in disguise."

	"Oh really?  Cool.  I wonder where I put it," Miki said.

	"..."

	"Just teasing.  It's in my purse."

	Guenevere asked, "Can I see it?"

	"Sure."  She passed it to Guenevere, who looked at everyone
through it.  "Hmm, it seems to put characters on people's foreheads."

	"That shows off the symbol of who they are," Luna replied.  

	Guenevere nodded and handed it back to Miki.  "Well, that will
help, then."

	"The tricky part will be leaking it in such a way as to make it
not look like a deliberate leak," Meiko said.

	"Look for ugly people.  Like Sana-chan," Suzu said.  "I bet she's
a Dark Kingdom spy."

	"She was just one of the Dooms," Artemis said.  "I'm thinking
Nanami's computer may be able to find us some spies we can use to help set
up the trap as well."

	"I'll give her a call later," Miki said.  "I hope she gets
ungrounded soon so she can attend our meetings."

	"She's got a cunning mind," Yuu replied.  "We can definitely use
her input on this."

	Arimi looked at her watch.  "I'm afraid I've got to get home."

	"Well, we all have business to attend to.  Let's all keep an eye
out, and once we are sure of someone we can feed the information to, then
we can make our move," Namura said.  "Does anyone need a ride home?"

	Everyone raised their hand and he sweated.  "Umm, my car isn't
_that_ big."

	Miki said, "Yuu, and Meiko and I can just catch the subway, then."

	Yuu's eyes widened.  "Oh man, I told my boss I was just going to
the bathroom when I ran to go help you."

	Miki twitched.  "I'm sorry, Yuu."

	"I'll tell him I called you and asked you to come help me with
something," Namura said to Yuu.  "I'd best take you by Junk Jungle, so I
can tell him in person."

	"Thanks, Namura-sensei."

	"It's the least I can do."

*****************

	"Did you know this would happen?" Britannia demanded of Zwei-ite.

	"I expected to have to use my planted agent as a way for them to
find out information about me which I could use to lure them into a trap.
I hardly expected I would be so lucky as to have them decide to set a trap
for me."

	"Lucky?  Most of us can't function that far outside Tokyo.  I'm
not even sure if I can," Britannia said.

	"I'll have to supply my forces with power batteries.  And if this
fails, Beryl will break us.  But if it succeeds, it will all be worth it.
Few good things come without taking chances.  The key thing they haven't
thought of so far, and the thing we have to insure they don't think of, is
how to keep me there once I have the rings.  Once I have them, I can
withdraw, assemble them, then use Serenity's master ring to make them all
my servants.  Then we'll see who leads the Dark Kingdom."  He smiled.
"Then we shall see."

	General Ego, who was quietly hidden on the other side of the door
with her ear to a cup held to the door thought to herself, 'Yes, indeed,
we'll see.  I'll get the rings, and then I'll make them all my own
personal harem!  And Beryl too!  Yes, it's a perfect plan...'

	
	

John Walter Biles :  MA-History, ABD, Ph.D Candidate at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu  http://www.dkcomm.net/rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"That all princes shall kiss the foot of the Pope alone."--Dictatus Papae,
11th century

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