=26=2365279=3B First the good stuff=2E This installment is an outgrowth =
of
the rest of the series and provides characterization=2C especially
for Nabiki=2E (She=92s gotten really creepy=2E) If this is still a
peequel to your other piece=2C then I hope you=92ve already plotted a
really good way to resolve this=2E If not=2C I=92m interested in
seeing what happens=2E I=27m tentatively assuming that all the
jiggling about the diamonds and Nabiki and Akane=92s behavior is
some reaction to Ranma=27s changes and will be explained in later
chapters=2C as Ranma=92s lack of ability to assume female form=2E If
not=2C well=2C the bouncy-bouncy squealy-squealy I can take as comic
relief=2C and Nabiki has a firm basis provided for her actions=2C but
Akane=3F
I=27d also be interested if at least Ranma=27s dragon side
wants to accumulate another =22treasure=3B=22 Ranma hasn=92t had any
serious inter-personality conflicts=2E The hot water for the dildo
was a nice touch=2E However=2C even if the dildos are silicone (thus
non-porous and can be used without a condom or other covering to
prevent nasty things from growing on them) they still need a
lube=2E Another point is that Akane would probably have to work at
least a little to get a comfortable angle while penetrating
Ranma=2E When she was on top she could correct it automatically for
herself=2C but Ranma can=92t do that with Akane on top of her=2E
You=92ve already gotten some nice C=26C on your tendency towards
purple prose=2E Throbbing=2C velvet=2C etc=2E have lost their ability to
convey impressions due to overuse=2E Try to come up with better
descriptions=2E What hasn=27t been mentationed=2C at least explicitly=2C=
is that towards the beginning some of the descriptions seem
clinical=2E
The entire Ranma-Akane encounter went far too well=2E If
these two are really having intercourse in those shapes for the
first time=2C there should be some fumbling=2C even if the
embarrassment isn=27t there=2E I do think you portrayed each character=92=
s
mood during their respective encounters very well=2E
As to physical descriptions=2C the mislabeling of Akane=92s
breast size has been commented on=2E However=2C why does Ranma need
to have a large dick=3F Really=2C what if he had an average or less
than normal length=2C would that really change the mood=2E =
I think some sort of indication that Akane has no idea of his relative =
size would be good=2E Something to the effect
that she has no idea about size=2C but it was bigger than she
thought it would be=2C perhaps=3F The massive quantity of semen is
also rather cliched=2E
Akane shaving her pubic hair has a consequence that she=92s
sure to encounter that night - sticky skin=2E At some point she
(or Ranma) is going to want to move and their skin won=92t let go
easily=2E Little things like this can make the encounter more
real=2E Also=2C remember for later that if Akane doesn=92t regularly
shave the stubble growing back can itch and be generally
uncomfortable while beard length=2E I do wonder why Ranma finds it
attractive=2C though=2E He=92s been on the road most of his life and I
don=92t think he=92s been buying dirty magazines=2C so why has he
picked up that preference=2E If he=92s just now learning he likes
her shaved=2C an indication of that would be good=2E Or am I
forgetting information already set up earlier in the story=3F
All the girls are dealing with penetration that is greater
in depth and girth than any they felt before=2E That=27s going to
mean pain if they go quickly (Rama pulling Akane into her=2C for
instance)=2E It=27s also going to mean soreness=2C something Akane
should be feeling about when she is starting with Scales=2C if not
earlier=2E
I=27ve been enjoying the series and this episode is no
different=2E I do think that a few changes will enhance it
greatly=2E I hope to see more of your work soon=2E
Matt
(=22=60-=27=27-/=22)=2E=5F=5F=5F=2E=2E--=27=
=27=22=60-=2E=5F
Bastet=27s Chosen =606=5F 6 ) =60-=2E ( )=2E=60-=2E=
=5F=5F=2E=60)
mal=40bulldog=2Egeorgetown=2Eedu (=5FY=5F=2E)=27 =2E=5F ) =60=2E=5F=
=60=2E =60=60-=2E=2E-=27
=5F=2E=2E=60--=27=5F=2E=2E-=5F/ /--=27=5F=2E=
=27 =2C=27
(il)=2E-=27=27 (li)=2E=27 ((!=2E-=27
Beware of organizations that proclaim their devotion to the light
without embracing=2C bowing to the dark=3B for when they idealize
half the world they must devalue the rest=2E
-Miriam Simos
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