Slacker wrote:
Anyways, just read the fic. Please?
Of course. AMV is... o/` Right Here, Right Now o/`
And I can't recieve any FFML mail (again) for some reason. Oh well.
Here you go, evil-twin.
"Sssshhh. You'll wake her up." Nemesis softly whispered,
holding an index finger over his lips. He jerked his head
towards the hallway. "Out."
up." Nemesis -- up," Nemesis
Haruka slowly backed into the hallway. Michiru and Setsuna
stepped out as well. Nemesis stepped out and softly closed the
door behind him. He glanced at Setsuna.
Repetition, 'stepped'.
"Her precognition has altered. Every Chaos mage has some
kind of precognition. My father knew the exact time, place, and
method of his death since the moment he was born. I'm a
psychometric. Mara always dreamt of her next kill. It never let
her sleep well." Nemesis explained.
well." Nemesis -- well," Nemesis
Hehe...
Should 'Chaos' be capitalized?
"I am her father. She's my daughter. It's that simple.
I'll begin training her to use Chaos soon." Nemesis responded
calmly.
soon." Nemesis -- soon," Nemesis
"Like hell you will. You'll keep your overly-violent,
psychotic, sociopathic self away from her." Haruka hissed.
her." Haruka -- her," Haruka
Tuxedo Nemesis, and Magical Pretty Soldier Sailor Harbinger of Death.
I like your style, evil-twin.
"Well, I guess that settles that! I'll see you later!" He
happily stated. "Oh, and Uranus? I'd go see a doctor if I were
you. You seem a bit...pale."
later!" He -- later!" he
As Nemesis vanished into the nearest shadow, Haruka tried
to make her voice work again. Finally, she succeeded.
"Rather...intense, isn't he?"
succeeded. "Rather -- succeeded, "Rather
"I never said it was EASY to get past his outer layer."
She calmly stated as she walked past them and went back into her
room. She shut her door and started to slip off her robe. She
paused,
then continued getting ready for bed.
layer." She -- layer," she
This is the most common error I've caught in every fanfic I've C&Ced
so far today...
Formatting error?
As she hung up the robe, she spoke. "Are you going to
stand there all night? Or do you have a reason for being here?"
spoke. "Are -- spoke, "Are
Again. If you're leading into the dialogue, use a comma.
"Like what? Go threaten some kittens? Maybe terrorize a
few kindergarteners? Wait, I know! You could hunt down Hello
Kitty and hang her from the Tokyo Tower!" Setsuna sarcastically
drawled.
Tower!" Setsuna -- Tower!" Setsuna (part of the same sentence, only
use one space.)
"Um...you're pissed at me, aren't you."
Setsuna: No, this is how I act when I'm turned on.
"Gee, smart man. You caught onto that in a flash. What
the HELL do you think you were doing?" Setsuna demanded.
doing?" Setsuna -- doing?" Setsuna (part of the same sentence, only
use one space.)
"Hey, she wants to keep me from my daughter. At least I
didn't do anything to her. Yet." Nemesis said nonchalantly.
"Anyways, there was a different reason I came back here."
Yet." Nemesis -- Yet," Nemesis
-- 'Nemesis said nonchalantly.' is not a complete sentence.
"And what would that be?" Setsuna asked, crossing her arms
over her chest. "And why won't you look at me?"
be?" Setsuna -- be?" Setsuna (part of the same sentence, only use
one space.)
Nemesis paused in his study of the walls. "Um, you're not
wearing any clothes. Could you pull on a robe or something?"
Heh.
Setsuna glanced down at herself. "I'm wearing plenty.
Besides, you've seen me in less. Repeatedly. Just WHY did you
feel the need to frequently teleport me to random locations
around the Palace without my clothes?"
She's naked? How can she wear less?
"Well, now YOU could use some." Setsuna retorted as she
reclined on the bed. "So what did you want?"
some." Setsuna -- some," Setsuna
"Just came to tell you I'm gonna be gone for a bit."
Nemesis replied.
bit." Nemesis -- bit," Nemesis
"The Moon." Nemesis soberly answered.
Moon." Nemesis -- Moon," Nemesis
Setsuna smiled faintly as Nemesis walk into a shadow and
disappeared. Then she rapidly got off the bed, got dressed, and
moved down the hall. When she reached Haruka and Michiru's room,
she opened the door, leaned in, and spoke in a flat, commanding
voice.
walk -- walked
Suggested:
commanding voice. -- commanding voice:
"You two. Get dressed. Get the other Senshi. Rei's
shrine. Now." She started down the hall, then paused and leaned
back in. "And for the love of the goddess, can't you two ever
keep your hands off of each other? Show some discipline!"
Heh.
"Wake up." Setsuna commanded, then pulled Rei's blankets
off. Rei came up swinging wildly. Setsuna simply moved out of
the way and let her get tangled in her sheets. Rei hit the
ground in a heap.
up." Setsuna -- up," Setsuna
"What are you doing here?" Rei demanded as years of
practice allowed her to quickly banish the last remnants of
sleep. Setsuna smiled widely.
here?" Rei -- here?" Rei (part of the same sentence, only use one
space.)
"Senshi meeting. I need to give you lovely people some
information!" She cheerfully announced.
Arg...
information!" She -- Information!" she
I won't comment on this error any more -- the C&C would be larger
than your fic. Still, it's a minor detail...
Rei proceeded to get very worried.
Heh.
"This isn't right. The spells maintaining the Palace
should have ensured that *something* would still be here." He
muttered as he walked towards the other side of the plain. "What
the hell is going on?"
He's gonna walk straight into a stone wall, isn't he?
It took three trips across the plain before Nemesis noticed
what had been bothering him since he arrived on the Moon.
Or not.
"Smooth rock." He froze. "Smooth rock? On the Moon?"
Hmm... could happen.
"An illusion. Of course. I'm an idiot!" He slammed the
palm of his hand into his forehead a few times, then paused.
"And now I'm abusing myself. I really *am* an idiot."
Heh!
"Dear Goddess. It's a total ruin." He slowly walked into
what had once been widely considered as the center of the Solar
System, detailing the damage as he came to it. "Grand Pavilion,
gone. Wishing Tower, toppled. The Palace...crumbled. Beryl and
Metallia were thorough, I'll give them that much. Hmmm, the main
courtyard is still intact."
Is 'Solar System' a proper noun? I'd think Alpha Proxima would be,
but 'the solar system' wouldn't...
He walked through the destruction until he reached his
goal: the Throne Room. Or rather, what was left of it. The
destruction was almost total. The only thing that remained were a
few of the pillars that once lined the walls. Nemesis slowly made
his way towards one that had snapped off and was resting at an
angle on the broken base. He stopped a small distance from it.
goal: the -- goal: the (I THINK. I'd like to get the opinion of
someone else on this one, though.)
Behind him, a translucent female form briefly shimmered into
existence by the pillar. Sad blue eyes gazed at him from below a
brow adorned with a golden crescent. A pale hand briefly rested
over the blood, then hesitantly reached out towards Nemesis'
back, but dropped back.
Missing indent.
"Setsuna, it's three-thirty in the morning. Why are we
here?" Makoto grumbled as she tried to get Usagi to stop sleeping
on her shoulder. She wasn't very successful. Setsuna sipped at
her ever-present cup of tea before speaking.
Setsuna's Everful Cup of Tea (Rank three artifact, incurs the Wrath
of Setsuna on the possessor).
The room was silent for a few seconds as the Senshi
pondered the implications. Finally, Ami broke the silence.
"Setsuna, this might not be the time for it, but I have to
know. I've asked this before, now I'm asking again. Who is
Ranko?"
Ami making a statement should probably be moved to the next paragraph.
Nemesis smiled as the last set of doors slid open silently.
The armory had been the most heavily protected and sealed part of
the Palace. Which was why it was still in perfect condition. He
had to clear a rather large pile of rubble off of the secondary
entrance, but at least everything was still there. And since
everything was still in working order, he hadn't wasted the
effort.
Eerie.
Nemesis moved further into the building, past the racks of
swords, spears, axes, shields, and other, more esoteric, weapons.
esoteric, weapons. -- esoteric weapons.
He continued until he reached his goal: a simple, gray door set
into an out-of-the-way corner. He palmed a hidden latch,
revealing a keypad. He tapped in an access code and the door
slid open. He moved into the small room beyond the door and
waited until the door had shut behind him. A thin red beam of
light emerged from a corner and ran itself over his body, then
shut off. In the corner of the room, a hidden panel set into the
floor opened silently.
Missing indent.
Would that WORK, really? I mean, a genetic scan... his body is going
to be completely different from the Silver Millenium, isn't it?
Nemesis walked over to the wall with the screen and looked
it. Inset into the wall was a small plaque with the simple
statement of "Deus". Below the plaque, someone had used red
paint to scrawl "ex Machina." Nemesis chuckled.
"Still there. Good. How are you doing, Deus?" Nemesis
asked conversationally.
Extra newline.
"No, Dave. I can detect no problem. It must be human
error." Deus calmly announced. Nemesis twitched.
Hey...
"Don't do that."
"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true...." Deus began to
sing in a distorted tone.
Yes!
Excelent work, evil-twin.
"Damn it! Stop that! It's creepy!" Nemesis yelled. Deus
chuckled.
"But, Arin, I feel fine now. Really I do." Deus continued
his normal deep voice. Nemesis glared at the screen.
Dues's chuckle should probably be moved to the paragraph with his
dialogue.
"Anything having to do with the Senshi's battles. Anything
having to do with any enemies, allies, or possible problems. All
the data on the Senshi. Attacks, power levels, fighting styles,
the works. Basically, if it relates to the Senshi in any way,
it's relevant. And get me all the data on the Queen and her boy-
toy, too." Nemesis answered as he settled himself more firmly in
the chair. He reached over to the open panel and removed a mouth
guard. After placing it in his mouth, he gripped the arms of the
chair and issued a simple "Hit me!"
The raw data hit his brain like a sandblaster. Beryl, Ail
and Anne, the Black Moon family, all of them rushed into his
brain in a tsunami of information. Faces, names, attacks,
friends, foes, even pets filled his minds eye. Distantly, he was
aware of a splintering sound as his hands spasmed and destroyed
the arms of
the chair.
Extra newline.
"Oh...dear." Deus muttered as black energy played over
Nemesis' form and he vanished. "That is not good."
I see the 'oberver of the obvious' module functions well...
Setsuna lifted an eyebrow as Haruka and Michiru followed
Nemesis out the door. "That's quaint. He's learned manners.
Wonder what brought that on?"
... If I were them, I'd take that as a warning, you know...
Also missing a clear speech indicator on this paragraph.
Artemis started to laugh. Luna glared at him while trying
to restrain another sneeze.
"What's so funny? A-A-ACHOO!"
Extra newline.
"I am NOT a hairball! I am a FOX! Damn it! I *knew* I
should have stayed in that blasted tube." The last was
muttered.
It'd have to be a small one.
Ami's fingers flew over the keyboard. "Well, there are
extreme amounts of bruising on both of them. Haruka has a broken
nose and several green fractures on her ribs. Michiru has
several green fractures as well, along with a broken tailbone.
Other than that they're fine. No permanent damage whatsoever."
Green fractures are very rare outside of young children, aren't they?
"You've just had over half a century of memories shoved
into your brain, on top of that your body rebuilt itself
overnight, and that's not even mentioning the fact that you've
just discovered you have a daughter. Under those conditions, I'm
surprised you're not curled into a ball and screaming." Setsuna
calmly stated.
We should have him meet PoE Ranma some day, just for kicks.
"Maybe we should figure out a reason for your growth spurt
before tomorrow morning."
"Got it covered." Ranma said with a wave of his hand. His
form shivered, wavered, and shrank down to his 'normal'
appearance. "Simple glamour. But...I will need clothes."
Extra newline.
"I have other clothes!" Setsuna snapped defensively.
"Oh, yeah? Where?"
"Over in the- Oh, no. I'm not going tell you. You can
wear the suits. You leave the rest of my clothing alone."
Setsuna instructed in a firm voice.
HAH!
"Ranma. I know you. I knew you in the past. I assure
you, you would not have killed Haruka and Michiru. If you had
truly wanted to kill them, your first blow would have done it.
Now, stop beating yourself up over it." Setsuna's voice was low
and firm. Ranma blinked a few times, then spoke hesitantly.
"Th-thanks, Setsuna. Somehow, that makes me feel a lot
better." Ranma softly shut the door behind him and walked to his
room. Suddenly, he smiled softly and spoke. "I have a daughter.
I have a daughter. I'm a Daddy. Wow."
Extra newline.
Daddy -- daddy (not used as a proper name)
Setsuna surveyed her students with a critical eye.
Amazingly, all of them were still awake and were at least
pretending to pay attention. Even Usagi had managed to correctly
answer several questions. She nodded to herself, then spoke.
Do you want to move that last sentence down to the next paragraph?
"All right. Class is done for today. I've decided to
forgo your session with Ranko for today, but it will be moved to
tomorrow. So, all of you make sure to get lots of sleep tonight.
Now, shoo." Setsuna made a shooing motion with her hand and
watched with amusement as Usagi, Minako, and Makoto nearly
teleported out of the house. Rei and Ami didn't move nearly as
fast, but they didn't linger, either. Haruka and Michiru stiffly
got to their feet and slowly walked out of the room, followed by
Hotaru, who was carrying Farow. The fox had draped himself
around her shoulders and seemed insanely pleased with the state
of affairs.
Setsuna eyed Ranma skeptically. "You own how many pairs of
the exact same Chinese outfit, again?"
Ranma was silent for a few minutes. "Okay, you got a
point. Fine. Let's go shopping. But none of those girly
stores, got it?"
Hm.
Setsuna nodded slightly. "No girly stores. However, you
WILL be getting a variety. That is non-negotiable."
Ranma suddenly had a sinking feeling.
Eh? What about Ranma's complaint that Setsuna has only one type of
suit? Doesn't that run counter to this?
Setsuna looked at him then lifted an eyebrow. "You have no
lingerie. That is something we need to fix."
...
"-Building your cover." Ranma interrupted. "Fine. But
you ain't gonna get no frilly stuff."
Hm.
"My wife's back there. Out of my way." Ranma curtly
declared, then walked on. He reached his destination, pulled
open one of the doors, and stepped in. A half-naked Setsuna
stared at him in disbelief.
HEH!
Ranma sighed, then bent over and shoved the packages into
the shadows under the bench. "There. They're all in your
closet."
Apportation. Convenient.
"I told Pluto to call you. We've got guests. Several of
them." Nemesis announced from the roof of the stairwell.
Several of the Senshi jumped at the sound of his voice, the
notable exceptions being Saturn and Pluto. Nemesis jumped off
the roof and looked around. "Where's pretty boy and the fox?"
'Off the roof' is a little confusing, since they're on another one.
Why not, 'jumped down from his perch', or the like?
Pluto stood patiently in the middle of the park. Nemesis
had been baiting the Cats for the last ten minutes. He'd stopped
broadcasting his progress after the second one started following
him. Suddenly, her waiting was broken by Nemesis' voice over her
communicator.
"Pluto. Situation report. They're all following me. I've
removed one of them from the picture. However, there are seven
left. And they've been altered. Larger and faster than I
remember. They don't seem as smart, though. Or as tough. I'm
coming down the street to the east of your current location. Get
ready. They're right on my tail."
Pluto snapped into motion as soon as Nemesis' voice faded
away. She whirled around and started to snap orders. "He's
coming and they're right behind him! Get ready! He'll be coming
down that street! Mercury, as soon as he's clear of the targets,
throw a Shabon Spray. After that, everyone pick a target. You
should be able to figure it out from there. Just keep hitting
them until they die. There are only seven of them, so double up
when possible. Let's *go*, people!"
All three of those paragraphs start with 'Pluto'.
"HIT THEM!" Nemesis screamed from behind them. They
rapidly recovered and started with the plan. Mercury covered the
area with her fog and all the Cats were hit in the Senshi's
initial energy barrage, knocking them to the ground. The lead Cat
received several hits, in fact. The Senshi prepared for another
round as Mercury's fog dissipated. Then...they were met with an
unpleasant sight.
I don't think that 'cats' should be capitalized.
Venus caught the sword when he tossed it to her and held it
reverently. "My sword.... Thank you."
The Wink Chain Sword?
By unspoken consent, Nemesis, Saturn and Pluto all took a
single Cat, allowing the other Senshi to team up on the rest.
Mars and Mercury danced around one, slashing at it with ice and
fire and flesh when the opportunity presented itself. On
another, Jupiter and Venus moved in a whirlwind of striking
hands and feet, and the flashing of a crystalline blade. At the
third, Neptune fought with a lethal grace that belied her
appearance. And at the fourth, Uranus used her sword and fought
at Moon's side with a savage intensity. Moon was using her
Scepter to great advantage, darting in to strike at the Cat's
knees, then darting back out. The clumsiness that was nearly her
trademark was conspicuously absent from her movement.
Nemesis, Saturn and Pluto all -- should that 'all' be an 'each'?
Distantly, he heard a Cat's death roar, coupled with the
sound of a uniquely-shaped pole arm blade sliding home. He
grinned, slapped a paw to the side, accepted a swipe from
another, and drove his fist into the knee of the first paw. A
satisfying *CRACK-CRUNCH* emitted. The Cat screamed in pain and
slammed a paw into the side of his skull. The blow threw him a
few feet, where he skipped, rolled, and bounced back to his feet.
He jerked his head to either side rapidly, popping his neck
loudly then rushed back into the fight. Out of the corner of his
eye, he saw Saturn heading over to assist Neptune with her foe.
Repetition, 'feet'.
And everything went...crimson.
Hmmm.
To be continued......
******************
Author's Notes:
Sometimes, I even hate myself for writing cliffhangers.
Then I realize: I *LIKE* cliffhangers. And instantly, I
feel better. Of course, I usually receive a wide (and rather
inventive) series of death threats after one, but that's pretty
cool, really.
Anyhoo, my writing time hasn't improved much, as you can
tell. I don't really have anyone to blame. Except my evil
professors. Or something. It certainly wouldn't have ANYTHING
to due with the Voiders. Of course not.
Never that, evil-twin.
Thanks go out to all the people who gave me ideas to use in
AtST. Included in that blanket statement are Kenko, MageOhki,
Brian Randall, ALL the Void regulars, my pre-readers, and many,
many people I have undoubtedly forgotten. Sorry 'bout that. My
memory sucks.
I feel so special!
Well, I guess now people can start nagging me about Chapter
9. *sob* Does it NEVER end?! Wait, why am I asking you guys
that? Bah, never mind me. It's too late for me to make sense.
Oh, just one last thing. While I know it's pretty
egotistical of me to hope for fanart, I just can't help myself.
On the off chance someone is bored enough to waste their time on
fanart for AtST, I'd love to see it. (Because my ego could
always use extra armor.)
Ja Ne!
Slacker
Alpha draft 11/06/2001
Okay. Overall, the story is interesting, if the fight in the end
feels a little dry. Looking forward to more, evil-twin.
***********************************************
STUDENT: Master, what is the secret of a popular fanfic?
MASTER: Child, the secret is simply this: You must serve the fans.
STUDENT: So the secret is fanservice?
MASTER: You begin to learn, grasshopper.
After finishing a story:
If you liked the story, drink a bottle to celebrate.
If you disliked the story, drink two bottles to cheer you up.
If you're apathetic, then drink till you care, dammit!
(From a Slayers drinking game.)