on 1/8/02 5:42 PM, Donny Cheng at chengdo@shaw.ca wrote:

Disclaimer: All characters portrayed in this story are owned by their
respective owners and creators.  I don't own any of them.

This story draws ideas from anime and manga of all the series involved|
A mix of the Street Fighter arcade continuities will be used, but
mainly from the Alpha series and takes an alternate route from SFIII.

This is part of my Life and Times crossover series.  This is the sixth
chapter to the First Knight arc.

C & C welcomed.

First Knight 6: Journeys

Shampoo ignored the pair of eyes that followed her around as she
wiped the tables down.  She endured the mocking gaze only out of
respect to her great-grandmother.  However, that didn't mean she had to
be happy about it.  "<Mousse! Is everything ready?  The buyers are
going to be here any moment>"

"<We'd get things done faster if we didn't have to work around
dead weight.>"

"<Birdbrain,>" Taro replied without looking away from Shampoo,
knowing how much it irritated her to be babysat.

"<Children,>" Cologne muttered as she entered the restaurant.

Shampoo's mood lifted as she caught sight of her great-
grandmother.

"<Put me down, Shampoo,>" Cologne commanded with as much dignity
as she could inside her great-granddaughter's arms like some rag doll.

 
Wording in the second phrase is just wee bit clumsy but it is not necessary
to change it if you do not wish. I would have inserted the word "muster"
between the words "could" and "inside."

"Sorry, great-grandmother," Shampoo replied meekly in Japanese.

"Don't give me that.  I heard you speaking Chinese just now.
You're getting lazy.  Perhaps going back to China will do you some
good."

"About that... Shampoo not want to go back.  Want to wait for
Ranma."

"We've been over this a dozen times.  He won't be coming back to
Nerima for at least two years."

"Ranma might come back to see Ak... Shampoo," she muttered.

Not for the first time, Cologne wondered if her great-
granddaughter knew truly how far she was from Ranma's heart.  "I've
seen the boy recently.  No, he didn't know I was there.  I could tell
he is determined.  And besides, it's about time, I prepared you for the
test of the council."

Shampoo stared in shock at her great-grandmother.  Mousse broke
the chair he was mending at Cologne's words.  Even Taro stopped in his
effort to annoy his two wards.  Cologne may as well have giving her
death pronouncement.

 
[Given as opposed to "giving" in the last sentence.]

* * * * *

Ukyo sighed as she signed the rest of the papers.  She would miss
her restaurant.  She now knew why her father insisted on doing business
with the yatai.  Staying put in one place for almost a year caused one
to develop feelings for it.  It made it all the more harder to leave,
which her style of okonomiyaki demanded.  Their family creed, if there
was such a thing, she supposed would be to have all of Japan taste it's
wonders.  And with Ranma gone, she had no reason not to fulfill her
dreams of being Japan's best okonomiyaki chef.

The thought of Ranma caused her look towards the boarded up
Nekohanten.  She never thought she would actually miss the Chinese
bimbo.  As long as Shampoo was here, it meant Ranma was here.

[Problems in the following: "Two years." is a sentence fragment, rather than
a complete sentence. I suggest something like "Two years, she thought to
herself." The next sentence should have "would renew," rather than just
"renew." It will or may happen in the future.]

Two years.  They renew their chase in two years.  It still stung her to
know that Ranma left without resolving this [The word "this" is acceptable
here, but "the" would read better.] engagement mess, but it
hurt more in  [I would replace the word "in that" with the word
"because."]that she never got a goodbye.

* * * * *

Kuno panted, his bokken hanging limply in his hands.  "Vile cur!
You remain to haunt me despite my best effort to [be] rid of you.  Your
sorceries rival [those of] Saotome."

"Uh...," the young man ["Bigsweated" is not a good term for prose. If you are

going to write, then go ahead and WRITE.] bigsweated, "you attacked me.  And
you 

asked me to stay here.  Really, it's no bother.  I can leave if you
want me to.  I really didn't mean to sleep in your backyard and hurt
your crocodile.  It was just so big and so dark out, I thought I was
sleeping out in the open."

"Trick me not, demon.  I know you were sent to test me in
Saotome's absence.  You will not leave until you are made to leave by
my bokken, the Blue Thunder has spoken!"

 
[Kuno is quite true to form here. Nicely done. Very nicely done!]

Soujiro Seta sighed and nodded.  He would stay and guard this
backyard until the crocodile was better.  It wouldn't be so bad if this
buffoon didn't try to attack him every once and a while.  That sister
of his with her hostile looks was no better, even if she had every
right to be since he hurt her pet.

He barely needed to move from his spot as Kuno's bokken sliced
through the air once again.  The boy did have talent, he had to admit.

 [Who had to admit? Seta-san or Kuno? This is a situation where you should
use the character's name rather than the pronoun "he." There are some fairly
strict rules to govern pronouns and their antecedents, but you can usually
catch these mistakes without knowing the precise rules by simply asking your
self, "Is it clear who spoke?" or "Is it clear which character is being
spoken of. In this case, it is not and the reader must double check his
reading.]
  

He stamped out the idea of taking the boy on as a student.  He swore he
would not take on another after his fourth student died by his sword.
If only the method to pass on the succession technique did not result
in death for either the master or student, thinking again of his master
Hiko.

[The last sentence is quite rough and fails in its effort to communicate the
emotional freight it was intended to carry. I suggest re-writing it with
this task in mind.]

* * * * *

Akane didn't know why she took this road to go back home as in
the past it meant dealing with a whole load of trouble that she didn't
want.  In the past.  Now, walking past Kuno's mansion, the Nekohanten,
and Ucchan's was like a stroll in the park.

 
[The first sentence is actually two sentences run together without
intervening punctuation. It should be re-written as two separate sentences.
You followed that with a sentence fragment: "In the past." I would
incorporate that phrase into the second sentence of the re-written version.]

Each of them had been to see her after Ranma disappeared.  After
they realized she was not lying about him being gone or hiding him
anywhere, they each had ["gone" rather than "went" I know. English is a pain.]
went back home quieter that she expected. Their
reactions [Use "varied" rather than "were varying."]were varying, with

Kuno['s] being the strangest of them all, [Put a period here. This is what
is known as a comma splice. You have put two complete sentences together
with a comma rather than separating them with a period and capital letters.]

coming back to ask about the tournament that Ranma was training for.
His response after gave her some comfort in that he wasn't going
totally crazy, as he gave her his promise that he would defeat Ranma
there and then come back to reclaim her hand. [This last sentence is also a

comma splice. It should be two separate sentences.]

Shampoo and Ukyo followed, saying they would be leaving Nerima,
but that they would be back in two years.  While Shampoo seemed
reluctant, Ukyo was eager to head [This is odd usage. I suggest "get" rather

than "head," unless you want to use "head out" instead. This is almost an
idiom in English.] back on the road, mumbling something

about maybe seeing him while she traveled around Japan.  She [Which she? There

are three females being discussed. After some effort, the reader is able to
determine that the author intends this to be Akane, but it disrupts the flow
of the story.] was 

surprised later, when the [delete the word "the" preceding this note.] Shampoo

came back on ["To" rather than "on."] her, asking for a favor.

To let her know if Ranma came back to visit. [This last is a sentence

fragment. I suggest something like " She asked that Akane let her know if
Ranma...]

Akane looked up at the familiar sight of her home.  She had made
it all the way back without one incident.  Nothing to remind her of
him, that he had been a part of her life.  Tomorrow she would take the
same route home and the day after that, and the next one, and so on.

 
[This is a very good attempt at a getting Akane's longing for Ranma across
without coming right out and saying it, and it will work quite nicely once
you have cleaned up the grammar.]

* * * * *

Ryoga was happy.  The seeming[ly] permanent cloud of anger and
depression that was always over him,[no comma here] was gone.  With its

departure, 

came a clarity of mind that he never thought possible.  No longer did
he train to beat a certain pigtailed boy.  He trained now simply
because it was what he liked to do.

He looked up from where he meditated.  Three of the giant sumo
pigs nudged at him.  Was it feeding time already?  He could have sworn
he just sat down a minute ago.  The concept of time seemed to be lost
on him these days.  Getting up, he made his way towards the house where
Akari would be waiting for him.  He didn't even notice that he didn't
get lost once on the way back.

Happosai moved out of the forest to stand in the spot that the
Hibiki kid [had] sat upon.  A wave of tranquility and power wafted in the
air. Never would he [Happosai] have thought that Ryoga would reach this point
before Ranma.  The girl that the boy was seeing must be an amazing
woman.

* * * * *

Ranma slung his pack over his shoulder, feeling oddly sad as he
tipped his head towards Genkai, "Thanks for all the help and stuff."

 
Ranma's usual mode of speech is nicely put across here.

It took him a full minute to say that... he's improving, Genkai
marveled.  "I'm afraid, I didn't get the chance to prepare you for the
tournament as much as I would have liked."

"I'll be fine with what I got from you here.  My control will be
a lot better when my," he faltered, not sure of himself, "chi
recovers."

 
[Schools of thought vary on this matter, but the word "chi" means blood in
Japanese. They use "ki" when they are speaking of the Chinese concept of
"chi."]

Genkai noticed his hesitation and took his hand into her own.  "I
had been aiming for this ever since you came here.  For the first time,
your conditioning will not help you here.  Your body will be your
greatest enemy as you fight against it, to overcome this hurdle.  I
just wish that you could have remained here while I guided you past [The word

"past," is only properly used when speaking or writing about the passage of
time. English speakers do often abuse it just this fashion, and this is
dialogue rather than narrative, so no harm done. Just be aware that this is
the case.]

it."

"I'll be fine, I'm Ranma Saotome," [Ranma's dialogue is in character, but you

have written it as a comma splice. That is not an acceptable practice. It
shoud read, "I'll be fine! I'm Ranma Saotome!"] he mumbled gruffly before

taking his hand back and turning away suddenly.  "I'll see you."

Genkai turned to head [Odd usage. English speakers expect to read "head for"

or "go back," but not "head back." It is NOT a rule violation, just
disruptively odd usage.] back home.  She had thought he would stay a

little longer before the Makai tournament in two years.  Would he be
able to reach S class in two years without her help?  Hopefully, what
little she did give him would provide him with enough insight on what
areas he needed to improve on.

* * * * *

Ranma ducked, not believing his bad luck.  Apparently[,] his
description was already posted everywhere [,] and the minute he walked into
town, he was challenged by five street fighters in succession.  While
he was sure the rules must say something about not needing to fight
every challenge, his own code refused to budge [The phrase "refused to budge"

is exceedingly odd usage in this context. It would be best to re-write this
sentence using another phrase.] and so he ended up

taking on each person that wanted a try at the rookie class ["]A ["] fighter.

Fortunately, none of them were ranked above C level, as his chi
had not yet recovered and his strength and speed were those of a
regular human.  "See, I told you I didn't need any help," Ranma gloated
to ["at" rather than "to."] the three little concerned faces.

"That what do you call this?" Mini-Urd asked as she poked his
ribs where one guy had managed to ["land a"] kick.  That earned her a gasp.

He gasped again as Mini-Moiraine touched his arm where a one of
five, wielding a knife has [had rather than has] slashed.  Mini-Usagi found

the whole thing 

funny and started to prod at every point he was [injured would work better

than hit.] hit.  [Separate the dialogue from the narrative. It should be ina
paragraph of its own.] "Okay, enough

already," he [Who moaned? Ranma right? Say so!] moaned as he doubled over in

pain.

"You take too many chances, Ranma," Mini-Urd scolded as she and
the other two did their best to apply bandages [Use "all over his body" or "on

his injuries." The phrase "over his body" is very odd and disruptive usage.]
his iover his body.  With

Ranma's chi depleted, their magic power was only enough for them to
manifest themselves.  "You better be still in one piece [the] next time I
come out.  I need to rest.  This lack of chi is starting to give me a
headache." [This dialogue should have been in a paragraph of its own and it

should be made clear who is speaking.] With that[,] the three parts of his
soul disappeared.

Ranma grimaced, knowing it to be true.  Genkai had said, he would
realize many things about his weaknesses during this time.  Already, he
could see several.  He knew he could be a little careless sometimes, if
it meant he could get a hit in.  By the third fight of the day, he
thought maybe taking a punch in the face to trip a guy up wasn't always
such a great plan.  He found himself reluctant to divert much in his
usual hit and run tactics no matter how great the opening by the start
of the last battle.  The result was a much longer fight, but one where
he did not get hurt as much.

Impatience, he thought ruefully, was another thing he must
overcome. While he was usually good at sticking to the game plan, his
bruised body said otherwise. [Tut, tut! The author is trying to have it both

ways. Either Ranma just thinks he is good at sticking to a plan and his body
attests otherwise, or he isn't any good at sticking to a plan and knows it.
The sentence needs to be re-worded one way or another.]  When not falling
for fake openings, the

opponents' goading got to him the rest of the time. [My opinion only, but

goading is Ranma's favorite tactic and he seldom fall for it. I would call
it OOC, but this is your story.] It looked like he

would need to retrain in the soul of ice.  His soul of ice technique
had faltered in recent months as he got better at manipulating hot and
cold chi so he didn't need to run around in a circle ignoring
everything being thrown at him. [He is already able to do this in the latter

part of the manga series, but it is conceivable that you have not read that
far yet. Also, I am picking up on your story in mid-stream, so I don't know
when it is set.]

The final thing he learned was just how true Genkai was.  Never
before in his life did he reach the brink of exhaustion where his body
could not recover from.  It was a battle just to get through his
regular regimen, let alone the new training practices he acquired from
Genkai.  Much like his ten year training trip, he thought surprised. [Hmm, I

had to re-read this last sentence several times. I think you meant, "Much to
his surprise, this was proving little different from his ten-year training
trip." At least, I think that is what you mean. I suggest you analyze the
situation and re-write the sentence accordingly.]

In Nerima, he had relied on his ability to heal, and when it
wasn't there for him anymore, he found how much he had taken it for
granted. While, he didn't exactly slack off while he lived with the
Tendos as he still trained with his pop, occasionally going on training
trips, it was not on the same level as his training before reaching
Nerima. Thinking back, he recalled how he had resorted to doing
everything in the extreme, such as balancing along the fence or jumping
over rooftops as opposed to walking normally on the ground.  Even then,
he must have been trying to make up for the lost day-in day-out
training he used to have.

Being in Nerima had given him a chance to improve with all the
new things he had learned.  However, every growth had been in spurts
rather than the steady climb he had with his pop.  Though, he admitted,
the growth was not anywhere near as drastic as in the city. If anyone
had told him that Genma had coddled him, he would have laughed in their
face, but as he trained with Genkai, he couldn't help but wonder if his
father could have taken it one step further.

 [This entire paragraph is very difficult to follow. You should re-write it,
being careful to use complete sentences, preferably shorter ones than the
ones you have used here.]

His thoughts turned to the Nekoken, and he got his answer.  His
father had tried, but after that incident, the training had become less
intense.  Genma stopped each time he had thought, his son couldn't take
anymore so as to not have a repeat of the Nekoken incident.  His body
became better without ever having known true [truly] debilitating fatigue.

Ranma suddenly [I would delete the word suddenly. Ranma's sudden decision is

so sudden that the word "suddenly," is redundant here. Allow this turn of
events work its magic without the encumbrance of the unnecessary adverb.]
checked his surroundings.  He had [The word "suddenly" would work quite
nicely here.] found purpose.

How could he get to Akari's farm from here? [Her last name, is Unryuu.]

* * * * *

Ryoga and Akari looked towards the door as a shadow fell over
them. "We're just about to eat.  Pull up a chair." [Who spoke? Ryoga? Say so!]

* * * * *

There was [is] something different about him, Ranma thought as he
limbered up.  The other boy [Ryoga rather than "the other boy."] was missing

his usual scowl[whenever] they were

together.  As for himself, he [Ranma rather than "he." Pronouns should be used

with great caution when more than one character of the same sex is in the
same scene.] didn't want to let Ryoga in on his

'injury' just yet.

"I heard from Akane, that you'd left Nerima.  I'd thought I left
her in good hands.  I guess I was wrong." [Who spoke? Ryoga? Then say so!

Properly written, this dialogue should read as follows:
 
"I heard from Akane that you left Nerima, Ranma. I though I had left her in
good hands," Ryoga said. "I guess I was wrong."]

Ranma winced at this.  He didn't know if he should be more
worried that Ryoga was mentioning this before their fight or that this
was said without any anger at all.  The only thing he could read from [in

rather than from] 

his long time [The words "long" and "time" should be hyphenated together in

this context, as in  "long-time"] rival's face was determination.
 
[Separate dialogue from narrative. This makes the story much simpler for the
reader to follow. This is not a hard and fast rule, but you will err less
often if you write by it.]
 
 "I had something I  needed to get done before I could do anything else."

Ryoga nodded, accepting this answer.  Since the last time they
met, he knew something was different with Ranma.  A hunger or rather a
need.  One that needed to be filled or it would consume him.  He
recognized it because it was the same look he saw everyday in the
mirror.  "Let's begin."

* * * * *

Ranma touched his neck, and muffled a groan.  Ryoga had managed
to graze him with that last pass.  Without his chi to enhance his
speed, he had been forced to rely on pure reflexes to barely dodge at
the last second each time.  It didn't help that each of Ryoga attacks
had been precise and not at all wild even after he attempted to
distract the guy with various insults, all having to do with pork
byproducts.

 
[You have the characterization down pat, and are doing an excellent job in
this regard.]

Ryoga rocked on his heels as Ranma managed to stand on ["stand his ground"]

his 

ground. It was a different fight from their previous ones in that Ranma
was not jumping all over the place as per his usual tactic.  His jibes
at Ranma's femininity fell on deaf ears as did his feints at leaving
various parts of his body open to counterstrike.  Every attack Ranma
_did_ take [make, rather than take] was uncounterable [and] aimed at

vulnerable spots ["such as" rather than "like." The rules for the using the
word like are slippery and you should avoid its use as much as possible
until you have a good grip on them.] like his

kidneys.  However, Ranma seemed to have no strength[,] as it [It? What it? The

attacks? If so, say so and drop the word "it." The word "it" in this context
is confusing.] barely even

tickled.  Could it be that Ranma lost his strength again?  Ryoga
decided to take a chance and test the theory.

Ranma was slammed to the ground as Ryoga gave up on holding back
and went head on.  A tactic he had been hoping the other boy would not
use as the both of them were used to holding back just a little in case
the other guy had an ace up his sleeve.  He barely had enough to gather
his senses before he had to roll to the side to escape Ryoga's fist.
He followed up by scissoring his legs between the other boy and
tripping 
him up.  Rolling backwards, he got back into his defensive stance just
as the other boy kipped up.

 
[Too many pronouns in the wrong places. Say who is doing what to whom! Fight
scenes are quite confusing enough without the injudicious use of pronouns.
You are otherwise doing quite well by using simple, declarative statements.]

Ryoga relaxed his stance.  "Your strength is gone again.  What
did you do to Happosai this time."

However,  [Delete the word "However," here. It is redundant and distracting.]

Ranma did not relax his.  "Something like that, but it

wasn't Happosai.  It was me.  I've overtaxed my body and my chi is
'injured'.  Unlike the last time, a pressure point won't fix it.  I was
told some rest could help me, but I don't have the time to wait."

 
[Technical nit-pick of minor importance: it was a moxibustion treatment
which both created and cured his loss of strength the last time, not a
pressure point. Veterinarians were still using moxibustion treatments in the
west up until the middle of WWII. I assume they are probably still used in
parts of the Orient today, but have no evidence either way.]

At Ranma's fierce look, Ryoga got back into a battle stance.  "I
take it, the other way to get back your power, is to do it yourself?  I
don't like to fight weaklings, but I guess I could make an exception
for you."

Before Ranma could say his thanks, the other boy launched himself
at him again.  Ryoga was merciless and now that he knew his opponent
was bluffing, he went all out.  Ranma felt his head bounce on the
ground, and it was only instinct that let him use this momentum to
twist his neck to avoid being smashed to the ground again.

As great as his opponent was, Ranma found his body to be an even
greater one.  He warred against it to give him more strength, just a
little more.  His muscles strained to obey his command, only to falter,
causing him to collapse into Ryoga's fist.  Still, he didn't give up,
again, using the momentum of his body to flip on to his knees, not
trusting his legs to keep him upright.

Ryoga fought the queasiness in his stomach as he stalked after
Ranma.  He never liked picking on the weak, as it reminded him too much
of when he was P-Chan even if it was Ranma that had always been picking
on him.  This would be the last attack anyway, he figured as Ranma
couldn't even stand on his own two feet anymore.

Ranma noticed Ryoga's jaw line harden.  This would be the last
attack.  Everything the other boy had done was full frontal with no
tricks as he had hardly needed it with him in the state that he was.
His only chance would be to hit before he got hit and with his legs
knocked from under him, it meant it would be a chi blast.  "Chou Moko
Takabisha..."

Ryoga stopped in midstride as Ranma suddenly yelled out.  He
raised his arms to block, but nothing happened.  He lowered his guard
and was about to step forwards when he noticed his rival did not lower
his hands with his face remaining in deep concentration.  It was then
that Ryoga saw a small little flickering light form between Ranma's
hands.

Ranma didn't even register Ryoga's raising his own hands to form
a chi blast, as he built the little flame of chi into a smoldering ball
of heat.  When the heat became unbearable, he let it loose.  A white
light filled his eyes before everything became dark.

* * * * *

His [His? Which his? You are here overusing pronouns again.] eyes flickered

open.  He had lost.  Yet, he felt no animosity

towards the other boy.  Rather a deep sense of peace filled him.  This
loss was just temporary.  It did not mean he would lose the next time.
It just meant that at this moment, the other was better.  In the past
this would have brought a rage that could not be quelled until it was
rectified.  Now, all it brought was determination.

Ranma sat up to see Ryoga and Akari looking over him.  "Good
match. You won."

"It isn't hard when your opponent has lost his strength," Ryoga
said, though he seemed happy for that small win anyway.

Ranma shook his head.  "You don't understand.  You _won_.  Before
I came here, I had lost my power after I used everything I had within
me to surpass myself.  In that chi blast I fired at you, was the power
I had gained.  It means that even my best effort could not stop you.  I
don't know how it happened.  But you've gotten better since I last saw
you."

Ryoga blinked as he heard the words he thought he would never
hear. Ranma admitting that he has lost to him.  "H-how..."

Akari hugged Ryoga from behind as he became speechless.  She left
the room to let the two old friends talk.

* * * * *

"That energy I felt?" Genkai asked as she set a tea cup for
Happosai.

"The light was glorious.  A step behind and not yet the level of
enlightenment Ryoga has achieved, but Ranma is getting there."

"The battle lust prevents him doesn't it?"

"He'll probably never get over it.  But at least, he is not ruled
by it anymore.  I had feared if he continued to fight before achieving
at least this much, we would have another Ryu on our hands."

"It isn't your fault you know."

"I designed this art.  It mirrors the Dark Shotokan.  Where that
was based on killing and death, mine borders it.  'Accept any
challenge' and 'Never accept defeat'."

"You had meant for it make your students stronger, not for it
rule over their lives."

"I didn't... but it does rule them.  To live by Anything Goes is
to die by it.  To break free from it, both of them went to extremes.
One turned into a blubbering wreck, the other a total coward.  The boy
doesn't have the benefit of being his own man before learning this art.
He was ingrained with it since a child."

"Are you going to go to him now?  His current state of
tranquility won't last long.  That which is white is easiest to dirty."

Happosai nodded.  "Soon.  Cologne has already started on Shampoo.
A bit early, but she has no choice and I don't think I have one either.
To Ranma, I give my art.  It is time for him to inherit Anything Goes.
May his soul survive it."

* * * * *

"What do you mean I didn't win!?  You just said I did an hour
ago!" Ryoga exploded.

"I must have been more dazed than I thought.  I didn't have my
strength for most of the fight.  I guess if you want to call a fight,
where one of the guys isn't in his best shape, a win, you can," Ranma
said sarcastically.

"Ranma, Die!"

Akari bigsweated and decided not to go inside the bedroom.

The End (maybe) 

 
On the whole, a very intriguing story and this despite the fact that I
seldom read crossovers or fusions.
 
Thanks for the entertainment, Mr. Cheng.
 
Don Granberry.


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