Hiya!

Again, the usual appologies: sorry it took so long to reply.  I blame the 
Christmas turkey.  Did you know that turkey is supposed to have some kind of 
chemical in it that makes people tired after eating it?  It's an excuse I'm 
ready to exploit!

The slow rise into consciousness came reluctantly.  It brought with it a
great deal and variety of pain.  The first thing the man realized, 

swimming

Wording here seems a little clumsy. Just a personal aesthetic judgement,
but I'd suggest something like:
brought with it pain in great quantity and variety.

I'm not too pleased with my wording either.  I'll think it over when I 
revise.

	He struggled to remember.  "That thing, after it . . . my father, and
I . . . Kasumi's room.  The c-c-cats were all dead.  Or half-dead.  But 

I

picked

Could you wrap so that a set of ellipses doesn't split between lines?
Inserting a hard return before "I" will do it.

Argh.  Hate it when that slips through.  I'll be more careful with my next 
post.

	"I have waited so long for you to come along, girl," the man said,
sounding

AKANE: If you burst into song right now, I'm gonna flatten you.

Well, I _did_ see Moulin Rouge not too long ago...

	She shivered at a sudden gust and hugged herself, feeling very alone.  

It

all felt so very surreal: just yesterday, she had been walking home with
Ranma on a beautiful afternoon.  A visit to a park, print clubs made,

What are print clubs?
AKANE: Ranma thought joining up with the school newspaper was a dumb
idea, but I convinced him eventually....

Oops.  I'll address the print club thing in another e-mail, 'cuz it seems to 
have started a minor debate.

	"Your name?"
	"A-Akane."
	He motioned for her to follow.  "Well, A-Akane, you coming in or not?"

AKANE: You aren't doing this in hopes that you'll be able to take
advantage of me, are you?
TAK: Of course not. I'm only letting you in because the monsters are
already waiting for you inside.
AKANE: Oh. All right, then.

Heh.  Makes me think of my RPG days.  My players started attacking new NPCs 
indiscriminately, because they figured any semi-important character stepping 
into a campaign would eventually turn out to be a Powerful Bad Guy.  Is 
there no trust left in the world? ;)

I have to admit that some of the dialog between the two factions of
baddies struck me as a bit cliched. I've no idea what I'd do about it,
and it *is* in line with the genre, so I dunno what to tell you. Other

I don't deny it.  It's something I'm still trying to get a hang of.  I 
really, really dislike cheesy Fantasy Villain dialogue, what with all the 
Capital Letter words they use and all that.  I'm hoping it starts working 
itself out as I get further into the fic and mroe at ease with the genre.

than that, another enjoyable chapter with the usual strong writing and
good treatment of the regular cast.

Again and as usual, many thanks for the ever-reliable feedback.  I didn't 
comment on everything, but I'll be looking over the line-by-line corrections 
when I get around to revising the chapter.  And while I've got you on the 
line (so to speak), any work on your own stuff coming out soon?

-Mike

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