"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

Dr. Tofu poked is head out the door just as Akane left the office. He looked

poked his head

She explained it as a way to keep people from connecting Kasumi Tendou with
the Wasp, since even if someone was able to see through her disguise, there
was no way they would believe a girl as conservative as Kasumi would dare
wear such risqu� clothing. Tofu was uncertain if that was the whole story.
Kasumi seemed to revel in being able to wear such garments and act less
reserved than in her normal housekeeping role. Some of the things she said
made even him blush.

Seems to me you could show some of this in this scene, rather than
describing it secondhand.

The change in behavior seemed to hover around her idea of them becoming
super heroes together. Since acquiring her powers, she had become intent on
tracking down and taking on other super villains. Tofu's thought processes

Other than who?

TOFU: Um... Kasumi, we aren't supervillains. We're heroes.

KASUMI: Oh, of course we are. Heh heh. And I'm certainly not pocketing
any of my opponents' loot on the side. Only a villain would do that. Hee
hee!

A small trickle of blood dripped from his nose as he remembered the last
time Kasumi grew without suitable garments on. He shook the memory from his
head. There were more important matters to be concerned about. During the
course of the last few weeks, Kasumi had sewn many outfits for herself,
spending most of her free time doing so. The one she was currently wearing
was creamy white. Offsetting the material were blue boots and blue edging
around the neck where a 'W' formed part of the border that led down to the
tops of her bosom. The amount of cleavage shown (small, in reality, but not
so insignificant when one realized it was proportional to the rest of her)
was far more revealing than anything Kasumi had ever worn before. One arm

KASUMI: That *you* know of, you mean.

TOFU: Oh yes, right you are. *bigsweat*

As for Tofu's own outfit, he was happy that it covered everything but his
mouth and eyes. With Kasumi lending a hand, the outfit was now dyed red save
for his boots, gloves, and shorts, which were black. The hood had been
redesigned to go over his face as a mask, something far more necessary for
him than Kasumi with his larger features. The outfit might have been plain
compared to Kasumi's, but Tofu preferred things that way. He was a man of
simple tastes, after all.

What about his glasses? Does he have to squint during combats, or did he
manage to get "unstable molecule" contact lenses? :)

Inwardly, Tofu cringed. He didn't think he was ready for this --he doubted
he ever would-- but Kasumi was so delighted that he couldn't bring himself

he ever would be --

to argue with her. "Sure, but how do we get there? It's too far to fly, and
it would take a long time for me to walk even at my full height." He only
hoped the distance would dissuade her from traveling out there and allow the
authorities handle matters.

authorities to handle matters.

Unperturbed, Kasumi said, "Put some clothes on over your outfit, and we'll
take a cab. I'll hide in your pocket until we get there."

A soft sigh escaped Tofu's lips. He chose clothing that was cheap and worn,
since he might have to grow and ruin them. It appeared the first 'official'

clothing that was... ruin it.
(or)
clothes that were... ruin them.

Five more shots were aimed right on target. The bullets impacted in the
exact spots they were aimed at. Each of the metal projectiles imparted a

Suggest rewording to eliminate the repeated "were aimed".

Power Man looked casually down at his chest where the bullets had hit.
"Geez, you guys don't know when to give up." He hefted a set of
interconnected seats over his head and threw them at the security personnel
as though he was in kindergarten playing a vicious version of musical

though he were in
(hypotheticals use "were" rather than "was" or "is")

Daredevil cringed. "The Whizzer? It sounds like you have the ability to go
to the restroom really fast." Suddenly 'Stilt Man' didn't seem like such a
stupid name.

MINT: If I don't change this name, no one's ever gonna take me seriously
as a supervillain.

MOUSSE: Au contraire. Yours is just the sort of name that could end up
known the world over as Public Enemy Number One.

Training coming to the fore, Hawkeye rolled with the blow and came up firing
in the direction of the voice. The quick recovery seemed to surprise the
speedster, and he barely shifted his head to the side fast enough to avoid
the metal studded arrow from hitting him right in the skull. He ran

metal-studded

Power Man threw his twentieth blow, this time almost touching the red garbed

red-garbed

Blinded, Power Man missed the smile that blossomed on Daredevil's features
at another gamble that had worked. As obscenely strong as the appropriately
named Power Man was, his eyes were not so tough that they could ignore the
effects of salt thrown into them. However, sensing the effect this newfound,
albeit temporary, handicap had on his opponent; the now racing heartbeat,

opponent -- the
(or)
opponent: the

the awkward walking and colliding into objects that were in 'plain sight',

Is Mousse giving him time to walk around and bump into things? Seems to
me Lime would attack right away, as he does in the next paragraph.

And then she was upon him, attacking without hesitation. Daredevil could
hear the sound of something small cutting through the air as she brought her
arm forward, the smell of well-oiled metal reached his nostrils. She had

Run-on sentence.

Just as quick she ducked under his counterstrike. His senses reached out and
told him more of her physical attributes even as he simultaneously
formulated his next attack. Lighter and a couple of centimeters smaller.
Heartbeat, though excited, not so fast as to indicate panic. Style very
controlled and professional. Someone used to fighting then, and in superior
physical condition, but nothing to indicate superhuman abilities. She wore
little clothing, and it was skintight, judging by both the image produced in
his radar sense and the fact he could not hear her outfit rustling as she
moved. Long hair though, he could hear it move with every motion of her
head.

though; he

MOUSSE: Shampoo! It's you!

[GLOMP!!]

SHAMPS: How you know?!

MOUSSE: You mean it really *is* you? I do that to *every* woman I meet!

SHAMPS: Oopsie.

The scent of her skin was fresh, not so much perfumed from soaps and
oils but closer to the smell a younger person produced. Somewhere within
five years of his age, possibly older, but highly trained and possessing no
compunction against killing, since the blade thrust was a fatal one for his
head. Still, she would fall short of his own skills. Aside from his own
superior physical abilities and Stick's mentoring, no one was as highly
motivated as he was at fighting and winning.

RANMA: Oh yeah?

Her opponent temporarily disarmed, the woman tried to skewer him again with
her sai. But even she was surprised by the speed he employed to produced

to produce

At the last second he understood his mistake. Concentrating so much on stayi
ng alive, he had forgotten there were two opponents, and not realized that

Wrapping error here.

She released the bowstring. There was a twang and the snap of the bow itself
as the arrow was released. A smile blossomed on Hawkeye's face. There was no
feeling in the world quite as satisfying as the slight jerk that a bow
produced when an arrow was fired from it. She had tried to explain it to
other people, but only fellow archers who allowed themselves to be fully
immersed in the art understood. It was the result of becoming one with a
weapon, a conjoining of sorts. Perhaps it was some sort of psychological
substitute for not being able to become one with a man, but it still served
to thrill and excite her even after she had fired tens of thousands of
arrows in her lifetime.

SPATULA: *sigh* And I'd thought I was the only one for her....

"Too bad I can't say the same for the rest of you, especially that outfit.
You should have gone with a more home based image, like a samurai or

home-based

"Crap!" She had the time to say as his fist came at her before she could

she
(no caps; not a new sentence since "say" refers directly to the dialog)

"Truly an odious super-power. Still, it could have been worse. You could
have been named, 'The Crapper'."

Don't need a comma there.

Swordsman was at the woman's side in an instant. Taking his foppish hat from
his head, he gave a deep formal bow. As he rose back up, he pulled a bouquet
of flowers from the hat and handed them to the woman. "Alas, never in all my
years have I met so lovely and lethal a maiden.

SWORDSMAN: Well, save for Akane Tendo, of course. And the Pig-Tailed
Girl. And....

He stared in awe at bouquet and told Power Man, "Look, she must like me a
lot. She's given me flowers and already gotten to first base."

and I've already gotten to		(?)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RYOGA: Hey! What about ME?!? I was in the teaser, remember? The Ten
Rings! It was the bloody chapter title, for gods' sake!

Red warning lights flashed in her helmet as the Iron Rose's sensors spotted
a familiar hammer wielding goddess flying in the same direction she was.

hammer-wielding

"The Goddess of Thunder requires no assistance, even from one such as
thyself, armored warrior." Thor scoffed. "But I will not force thee to

warrior," Thor scoffed.

Both Thor and the Iron Rose landed among the group preparing to enter the
terminal. The goddess's touchdown was as gentle as a feather, while the boot

goddess'

It almost certainly was. It seemed when it came to romance, this was the way
Hawkeye's luck ran of late. Turning on the 'masculine charm,' she tried to
unleash her best cocky swagger, which was coming out as weak as she felt,
and said, "No need to worry there. I'm one hero who knows how to take care
of himself. I had things under control until that sword wielding jackass

sword-wielding

showed up and distracted me. Then I got double teamed, and they still needed
a healthy dose of luck to beat me. Next time, I'll be the one mopping the
floor up with their faces and sticking that sword where the sun don't
shine."

AKANE: So in other words, you got your butt kicked. Yea verily doth it
suck to be you.

KODACHI: No matter, my dear archer. You can rely on us not to mention
this embarrassing defeat to you over and over, any more than would be
absolutely necessary.

Both of the heroes backed away from one another, one in confusion and the

Suggest dropping "both of" ("from one another" already makes that clear)

"Most likely already departed." Now that the Iron Rose was able to view the
crimson clad adventurer more closely, she wondered what his build was like

crimson-clad

"I don't know, but I have to find them." Daredevil silently raged against
what had happened. The first serious threat he had come across, and he had
been beaten handily. He had the situation under control until that woman
showed. It was only thanks to her intervention that he lost. He had to
defeat either her or that giant lump of muscle, otherwise he could never
truly regard himself as a super hero, not if he failed so quickly to a real
threat.

failed so quickly to defeat a real threat.
(or something like that)

"That wont' be necessary. I can summon it here with my armor. The tools I
need to modify the  equipment will be onboard."

on board."

"He's coming along!" Three voices said as one.

three
(no caps; same sentence)

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RYOGA: This is it! My big scene where I....

[Author's notes:]

RYOGA: Oh, bugger.

and the like. So bear this in mind when saying, "Character X would react
differently from what's here. Whereas you're probably right, I'm hoping what
differences they display can be overlooked for the sake of their appearance,
and I will try to keep their more canon personalities in line. Just wanted
to clear that point up.

Can't comment on this, as I haven't seen most of these series. :)  I
will suggest that you limit the number of them per chapter, especially
ones which require lengthy back-exposition or other establishing
material.

Well, once that got going, I liked it. I think an actual scene where
Tofu finds Kasumi in a more revealing costume than he'd seen before
would have worked better than Tofu describing it from memory. But I've
no major complaints on the rest of it. The characters were well-handled;
Ranma's turn-around was done believably, and the sexual ambiguities in
the group promise to make for some interesting and funny subplots.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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