Just felt like C&Cing an original fic...

Characters

<clip>

While YOU need this section, and therefore should have
written it, your readers should not need this section.  Any
essential info from this list should be inserted into the text
as the characters are introduced.  I'll try to give examples
below.

[Kenji stands on the balcony of his house, holding a pink 
envelope that has his name on the front. He regards it 
significantly for a long moment.]

Kenji: Time for me to move on. "Kenji's Life: Shinonome High" is 
over with and "Kenji: The College Years" premieres next month. Oh 
and by the way -- fanfiction should be read from a distance in a 
well-lit room. Well, maybe not from a distance, but you get the 
idea.

Script format; one question would be, "why?".  It's not that you
can't tell good stories this way; you can.  But are you really
developing as a writer as much as you could be?  This is neither
standard prose nor screenplay nor any standard (remunerative)
format.  If you have any ambitions to ever be paid for your work
one day, or even see it published, it would probably be better
to move to a standard format, such as standard prose, so that
you gain more practice writing in that format.

Example (both of prose, and of inserting character info):

   Kenji stood on the small, second-floor balcony of his house,
   overlooking the street.  Kenji was of average height, neither
   over- nor under-weight, and of nondescript appearance.  He
   held a pink envelope with his name on the front...

Personally, I would also give Kenji's last name here:
   Kenji <lastname> stood on the...

Kimiko: Hey, what the hell are you doing 'niisan? Isn't that...?

Why the gratuitous Japanese ("'niisan")?  English has the
perfectly good "brother".

Kimiko: [rolls eyes] And here I thought you'd be happy to be 
going to college and no parents for a whole year.

Kenji: Sadly that perfection has been marred by a certain little 
sister.

Sadly, that

Kimiko: That's right! ^_^ Oh, and I was wondering, are you really 
going to take the train for 2 hours each way to get to and from 
school? That was the whole reason dad moved out you know.

Kenji: As it happens, I'm going to buy a car.

Verisimilitude nit:  if the train takes 2 hours each way in Tokyo,
a car might very well take 3 each way.  Suggest a bit more
explanation here, such as Kenji's classes aren't at rush hour,
trains take so long because he has to change four times, or
something like that.

Kimiko: Oh? Been saving up from that stupid part-time job of 
yours have you?

yours, have you?

[Cut to Kenji behind the counter of a small record store; Naoki 
is there too, sorting through a stack of CDs.]

<clip> 

Mimi: [rolls eyes] You should know better than to provoke him by 
NOW Naoki. [to Kenji] Looking for a used car, huh?

Kenji: And...?

Mimi: If you want to get something decent you'd better start 
looking soon. There's plenty of good deals in the classifieds.

It seems to me that the only purpose of this scene was get
Kenji the classifieds (and to introduce your other two characters).
I'd suggest that you don't need to introduce all of your characters
in the first chapter; one of these two, say Mimi, might have
been good, in another setting; then you can introduce the other
in the second chapter.  This gives you more space to do a more
thorough job with each character's introduction.

Example Two:  Introduction of Mimi

   "Then I guess you'll have to settle for me."

   Kenji looked up.  Just entering the shop was a plain-looking
   girl, short-haired, with coke-bottle glasses.  "Hi, Mimi,"
   Kenji said wearily.  "What do you mean, 'settle for you'?"

[Kenji pulls out his cell phone and dials. Cut to Kenji walking 
up to an apartment; as he reaches to knock on the door, a middle 
aged man flings the door open and Kenji absent-mindedly hits the 
guy in the face as he continues knocking.]

Physical humor like this can be hard to write.  In this case, the
reader misses it entirely unless they're paying very close
attention.  I'd suggest either toning it down, or putting more
effort into it, depending on what you want.  Example:

   Kenji knocked on the door of the apartment.  After a few
   seconds, he knocked again.  Getting bored, he started to
   look around while he continued to knock.  Unfortunately,
   the door opened while Kenji was looking away, and he
   suddenly noticed that the surface on which he was knocking
   had become very uneven.  The sound was wrong too.

   "HEY!  What the hell are you doing!"

   Kenji turned back to the door.  A middle-aged man stood
   there glaring at him.

Car: <Honk!>

Kenji: Don't start with me.

Car: <Honk!>

Kenji: What the...?

Car: <Honk!>

Kenji: [kicks a tire] Whatever you're doing, stop before you wake 
up the neighbors.

Car: <...hnk...>

Kenji: [suspiciously] Oh god... You can actually understand me?

Car: <Honk!>

I like this part, with Kenji conversing with his car, and the
car's vocabulary consisting solely of honks.  This strikes me
as clever and inventive of you.

[Kenji frowns and tries again. Finally he smacks the remote 
against his palm and tries yet again. This time the car is 
engulfed in red light. The car is seen as a silhouette, which 
twists and contorts, taking on a distinctly feminine shape. When 
the light fades, Civiko stands there, glancing around.]

Civiko: Hi there! Are you my new owner?

I would suggest you describe Civiko first, and name her later.
Might be funny if she doesn't have a name, and Kenji has to
name her, but that's up to you.

Kenji: That old bastard must've been an Alumni of Shinonome High.

I'm confused; is this supposed to be the El Hazard Shinonome
High?  You attribute weirdness to it below which it doesn't have
in that series.  If you mean some other high school with this
name, are you sure you want to use the same name?

Civiko: <sniffle> Hidoi...

More gratuitous Japanese.  In this case, few readers are likely to
know what this means (granted, they can figure it out).

Kenji: Can you turn back?

Civiko: I dunno. <sniffle>

Kenji: Great. You're probably gonna be stuck like that, right?

Civiko: I... <sniffle> guess so... <sniffle>

Kenji: You okay?

Civiko: ... <sniffle>

Kenji: <sigh> WHAT?

Civiko: <sniffle> ... [pouty/crying]

I like the pouty characterization for Civiko; amusing here,
with plenty of potential.

Civiko: [slowly turning around] R-really?

Suggest Civiko develop a smile which widens as she says that.

Car: <hooonk-honk> [sounds like "I dunno"]

Kenji: I don't know which is more disturbing; that I'm in this 
situation or that I'm starting to understand you.

Heh.

[Kenji's cell phone rings, playing Fur Elise. He scowls at Kimiko 
as he answers it. She shrugs and presses the button on the 
remote. Suddenly his cell phone is engulfed in a red glow. A few 
moments later he finds himself holding Nokia's hand. She smiles 
at him expectantly. Cut to a view of the neighborhood.]

Kenji: DAMNIT! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!

Heh.  If one transforming girl-friend is good, two must
be better, right?  Hmmm... and standard anime convention
says you've got to keep going to at least four, preferably
five.

Anyway, this has potential, I think.


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