dragonjex@juno.com wrote:

This is Mike!
Just reposting this fic if you haven't read or recieved it.

I'll be glad to hear your replies and reviews of this Chapter 3.

Review please.  Enjoy!
================================================

Fantasy Beyond
Chapter 3

by DJGeek

Following chapters can be found in:

http://www.angelfire.com/anime3/djgeek/index1.html

E-Mail: dragonjex@juno.com

==================================================

Disclaimer: Ranma not mine.

----------------------------------------------------

        An invasion of figures stormed the once
calm streets of Hiemsdale.  The aggressive figures
are not men but orcs.  

Tense confusion.  But I'd delete both sentences anyway.


It was common for

orcs to pillage and raid towns because it was
the only way of life for them and there couldn't
see any different way of life that would be
suitable for them.  

Redundant and circular.  Delete that at as well.  


After the great Horde war,

the orcish people were scattered and divided, no
real leadership could organize them, and they
resulted into tribes that would wage war with
anybody, including their own race, for resources
and women.  Because waging war was the only skill
left for them, 

was the only skill they had.  


most of the tribes resorted into

brigand groups, harrassing caravans and invading

harassing

villages and towns.  This is why racial hatred for
the orcs deepens in human, elven, and dwarven
society.

for the orcs was deeply ingrained in human society.

        Fortunately, a few orcs, like Giel'Kre,
were tired of war and merely seek to coexist.

That's not particularly fortunate.  If a substantial
number of orcs were tired of war THAT would be 
fortunate.  Isn't she only a half-orc anyway?  

They would prove the human people that they too
were capable of living in a passive environment.

capable of living peacefully

Some orcs joined farmer hands to help out with
the harvest, or some that had known the martial
arts for all their life joined ranger groups or
applied for the city guard.

        But right now, the only kind of orcs that
entered into town were the ones that seek merely

If you follow my deletion advice, name the town here.

to pillage and rape.  A hulking figure walked
into the town, a gleaming smile of satisfaction
on his scarred face, and a large, sharp battle-axe
at his side.

Connect up those two thoughts a little.  Something like
"A hulking figure led them into town," would do it 
nicely.  

As far as gleaming teeth goes, it's nice that being
an orc doesn't mean you have to neglect your dental
hygiene.  

        Jagger'Uta smiled at the carnage in front
of his piercing eyes.  This was going to be a
successful raid.  Pride overwhelmed the orc as
he heard the cries of the people slaughtered,
the bloodcurdling cries of war from his warkin,
and the clash of steel against steel.  Such a
sight brought excitement and bloodlust to his
dark heart.

Say...that would be a much better place to start
the chapter.  Save the lecture about how Giel-kre
is different from _these_ orcs for later.  

        ("Raid the settlement, gather the women,
kill the men my brothers!  Show them the mighty

All right now.  I want to you to kill the cattle,
stampede the women, and rape the men!

bloodwrath of the Stone-Fist Clan!") yelled
Jagger'Uta as he raised his axe and incapacitated
the girl he had captured while entering her.

What?  How did he enter her before capturing her?

Yes, it was a beautiful sight.

It was a beautiful war.

I like that.  

==================================================

        Ranma was shocked as well as enraged.  He
had never seen so much blood spilt in his entire
life.  So many people dead as the raging force of
the orcish brigands raided the town.  He saw women
crying, forced on the ground and violated.  The
guards were easily slaughtered due to their
insufficient martial skills and the massive
strength of the orcs.  He looked back at Giel'Kre.
She looked like one of them, but did not have a
face of glee at the carnage happening, nor did she
showed any want to join the pillaging.  

desire?  inclination?  But not "want".  

Therefore,

The beings that are of Giel'Kre's race are the
ones that are evil and must be stopped.

Frankly I doubt that Ranma would check to see
what she thought about it before leaping in.  

        Ranma's head whipped at Giel'Kre when she
yelled something at him.  Then he saw her pick up
an axe from the ground and sliced a charging orc
from the side.  She was probably yelling him to
stop this tragedy from happening.  The young
martial artist charged into the fray of battle.

redundant.  Delete "of battle".

==================================================

"Come!  We must stop them!"

        I yelled to my foriegn companion to join me

foreign

in stopping the cursed orcs from planting a tragedy

from what?

in Hiemsdale.  I was hoping he would understand
without being baffled by my speech.  Fortunately,
he complied without any thought over what I had
just said.

        I lifted an axe.  A bit heavy, but sharp
enough to cut through tough orcish skin.  I silently
cursed at my own race�s stupidity.  I had often
asked myself why would most of my people still
cling to the old, bloody ways of life?  There was
more to life than the War.  To most of the other
orcs, it was all about the War.  The orcish
individuals who presented a skill for other arts
were looked down upon while the warriors
were celebrated for their ruthless acts and
bloodthirsty deeds.  It was because of the
leader of the Horde, the deathmage Kul�Zor,
he instilled the evilness among his people for
his own personal gains.

Why does she ask herself if she knows the answer?

        Nevertheless, I must stop my own
people from committing more atrocious acts
of violence.

        I hefted the axe and prepared a stance
of defensive combat.  There were two orcs
who noticed and targeted me as an obstacle
to get rid of.  Their warpainted faces gave me
a look of bloody pleasure and lust.

I got ready, holding the axe in potential
stance.

in what?

        One of the duo orcs charged towards

delete "orcs"

me, and slashed at my head.  I ducked and
swerved right, and slashed at the side, his

slashed to the side

blood spurting from the gash.  Then, I felt
something coming near be from behind, and
so I immediately turned to the rear and locked
weapons with my orcish opponent.  

Then spun to lock weapons with my other opponent.

I punted

him at the chest and struck his back while he

What does "punted at the chest" mean?

was keeling over in pain.  

Sounds more like she knee'd him in the crotch.

I looked around to

see any more dangers coming toward me, but
I saw a group of orcs surrounding a figure
which happened to be� Ranma�

I looked around for more threats, but all I saw
was a large group of orcs surrounding someone...
Ranma...

=====================================

        Ranma saw an orc trying to finish off a
downed guard with his battleaxe.  Determined to
save the guard, he charged and flew into a flying
roundhouse kick, knocking the executioner from
his feet.  He rendered him unconscious by
finishing him with an axe kick to the chest.  Then
the young martial artist turned his stance into a
defensive position.  He could sense something
was NOT right.

Deanna Troi:  I sense hostility!

        His vision was now filled with orcs,
gleaming at him and axes readied for its taste
of blood.  He was surrounded; every direction
was orcs and their weapons, decorated with
blood.

        Then, Ranma smirked.  He had a few
tricks up his sleeve.

        As soon as they were about to gangrush
him, Ranma had been gathering up ki silently
for a move he had learned from Cologne.  It
was a variation from the Hiryu Shoten Ha, but
instead of pulling your enemies to a circle,
you had to be calm while gathering your ki,
and when you are ready, you become one with
the wind.

        In other words, you launched a barrage
of ki-charged kicks all around you.

        When the surrounding orcs gangrushed
on Ranma, the young martial arts fighter yelled
out:

�SEMPUU KEN!�

A ki-tornado was formed, and a barrage
of flying kicks flew in every direction, hurtling
every orc in the air.  Ranma landed in a Crane
Landing balance stance for stabilizing his body
And mind from the executed martial arts move.

decapitalise "And".  Incidentally, this strikes me
as more of a Tenshin Amaguriken variation.  

Suddenly, Ranma felt an aura of malice
permeating the air.  The ground shook with a
deafening pound.  The young fighter sensed a
great evil coming towards him.

=====================================

        Jagger Uta was so disappointed.  He had
expected a good raid of blood-spilling, rape, and
the thrill of carnage.  Never mind that half-orc
bitch, this young, puny human was breaking his
plans.  Never did he see so many of his warkin
Fall down from combating this� human!  If this
Human believes he is powerful, then he wait till
tastes the the wrath of Krull Khankt Shankrra�

The Earth Shaman power.

He began to focus his dark magics,
Invoking his shaman powers and chanting his

decap "Invoking"

Shankrra Hai.

�Krull Nahkree Shankran Heaht Kai..�

====================================

         Ranma looked at the sight that made him
taste the lingering fear.

What?

        An orc, who was decorating with furs and
warpaint, chanted repeatedly a form of mantra.  He
then grew of titanic build, and stony shells protruded
from his body.  His axe was glowing of orc runic
magics, and his eyes gleamed red, targeting on the
poor martial artist.

====================================

        �Oh no,� thought Giel Kre.  She was covered
in fear.  She had never known that this orc had known
the Shaman powers.  Ranma was in trouble.  _Very_
deep trouble.

�RANMA!�

====================================

KRACK!

        Ranma leaped from the ground as soon as the
titanic axe struck the surface.  He decided a hit and
run tactic would fit the battle.  Ranma ki-charged his
fists and legs and ran, hitting the stony surface of the
orc titan�s legs, hoping to break his armor.
Ki-electricity sparked from the delivered blows, but
Only a scratch occupied the stoneskin, and the orc�s

decap "Only".  Replace "occupied" with "marked"

face showed no sign of pain.
KRACK!

Another axe struck the surface, missing the
fighter by inches.

�Che!� cursed Ranma.  He was so close from

to death

death.  He started to charge his ki, trying to build up
confidence within himself.

�MOUKO� TAKABISHA!�

Before the orc could strike, Ranma let loose
a large ki-shot that engulfed the orc entire.

        Ranma smirked as he felt victory.  Alas, he
was _so_ wrong�

==================================

        �What in the nine hells of Nachtuheil was
that,� thought Jagger�Uta.  He had barely felt a
scratch from that blow.  Was all this the human�s
power?  The stone-covered orc let loose a torrent
of laughter.  He was going to enjoying crushing
this human.

==================================

        Ranma had never felt so defeated in his
entire life.  No blow could ever reach through
his opponent.  But, he was not going to give up.
If he could not hurt his opponent using his own
body, then he had to use an extension of his
martial arts, preferably long-range, seeing how
dangerous close-range was on the stone-orc.

was versus

Something caught his eye.  It was a
longbow and a stray arrow on the ground, next
to a dead guard.

        Ranma ran and grabbed the bow and
arrow, while quickly apologizing the corpse for
his desecration.  Although he had never fired
a bow before, like instinct, he readied the arrow
onto the bow and pulled the string, aiming for
the orc�s head.  He charged the arrow with huge
amounts of his ki, that his arrow started glowing
like a strand of light.

===================================

        Jagger�Uta was certainly amused by the
courage and stupidity of his opponent.  It was too
bad that he human; he could�ve been a great orc.

he was human

but now, it was even more amusing that the human
had expected to kill him with a bow.  He decided
to just make him crawl in fear before he squashed
this him.  Jagger�Uta went close and bellowed out
one of his trademark warcries.

Spoon! (tm)

===================================

        As soon as the orc was close, Ranma let
loose his arrow.

        Like a laser of light, the ki-charged arrow

Redundant.  Delete "of light".  

flew, pierced through the orc�s stone covered head.
The orc yelled out in pain, and its skin started to
crumble.  Dark, red light glowed from the cracks
of his body, and exploded with a great release
of magics contained.  

uncontained

The aftermath of the defeat

was now one dead orc with a hole through his head.

        Ranma breathed heavily from exhaustion.
It was over.  He had won.

        The orcs, noting that their leader was no
more, fled in retreat.

Delete "in retreat"

        The guards and citizens lifted up Ranma
and Giel�Kre as a celebration for heroes that
prevent the raid of Hiemsdale.

Really?  If I saw an orc straggler, I think I'd
kill her.  

        Giel�Kre smiled at Ranma.  She was full
of admiration for him.  He was truly a strong
fighter.

        But behind the celebration was a cloaked
man.  He was Strider, ranger of Kernsen Forests,
and he had found a worthy ranger to train.

Maybe name him something that isn't from Tolkien?

One major problem.  You switched to first person for
Giel-Kre and then switched back.  That's bad form.
You be consistent.  Either write all of the stuff from
her viewpoint in the first  person or none.



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'