Ignition
by Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney
Episode 1: Car Troubles
Characters
Kenji: A fairly average guy, Kenji just finished high school and
has been accepted into college. He's a business major and a
fairly average guy, though he had a messy breakup with his
girlfriend the week before graduation and he's decided to swear
off women for a while. Although he does have a tender side, it's
normally buried under a mountain of bitter sarcasm. Having
attended the infamous Shinonome high, he's seen just about
everything and is nigh-impossible to surprise.
Kimiko: Kenji's younger sister and a high school student. She's
fiery and fiercely independent, but easily put off-balance by
things that won't even get a raised eyebrow from her brother.
Naoki: A high school classmate and coworker of Kenji's. Naoki is
of average height and decent looks and fancies himself a playboy
even though he sucks at it. Naoki is sort of friends with Kenji,
though their relationship seems to involve lots of insults.
Mimi: A friend of Kenji and Naoki, Mimi met Kenji while they were
both filing paperwork for college. She's plain and has short hair
and coke-bottle glasses. She's very smart and has a good amount
of common sense too.
Civiko: The girl version of Kenji's new Honda Civic. Civiko looks
like a short, slender, pretty girl with short black hair. She
wears a skirt and tank top both made of black PVC, plus tall
boots. Her shirt has the Honda symbol on the front on top of a
sort of grillwork pattern, and "Civic SE" on the side. She seems
to have a steering wheel on top of her head, like a black plastic
halo, her eyes have an odd luminescence about them (they double
as headlights), and she has an orange spot on each cheek. Her
belly button is also a keyhole. Civiko loves driving and wants to
serve Kenji and be with him, but tends to become whiny if
neglected.
Mr. Tanaka: A mysterious middle-aged man who sells Kenji his car.
Nokia: Kenji's cell phone in girl form. Nokia is a little taller
than Civiko, with short dark blue hair. She wears a metallic blue
dress with the "Nokia" logo across the front but doesn't have any
obvious outward sign of being a cell phone.
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[Kenji stands on the balcony of his house, holding a pink
envelope that has his name on the front. He regards it
significantly for a long moment.]
Kenji: Time for me to move on. "Kenji's Life: Shinonome High" is
over with and "Kenji: The College Years" premieres next month. Oh
and by the way -- fanfiction should be read from a distance in a
well-lit room. Well, maybe not from a distance, but you get the
idea.
[He pulls out a cigarette lighter and sets fire to the envelope.
He watches it burn for several seconds before realizing that the
fire is rapidly approaching his fingers. He drops the envelope,
then notices that he dropped it onto the wooden balcony, panics,
and stomps the fire out. He looks down at the ashen heap of pink
paper and scowls. Kimiko pokes her head out of the window.]
Kimiko: Hey, what the hell are you doing 'niisan? Isn't that...?
Kenji: NOTHING.
Kimiko: [rolls eyes] And here I thought you'd be happy to be
going to college and no parents for a whole year.
Kenji: Sadly that perfection has been marred by a certain little
sister.
Kimiko: Well, someone's gotta keep an eye on you. College guys
can get pretty rowdy I hear.
Kenji: Do you really have nothing better to do?
Kimiko: That's right! ^_^ Oh, and I was wondering, are you really
going to take the train for 2 hours each way to get to and from
school? That was the whole reason dad moved out you know.
Kenji: As it happens, I'm going to buy a car.
Kimiko: Oh? Been saving up from that stupid part-time job of
yours have you?
[Cut to Kenji behind the counter of a small record store; Naoki
is there too, sorting through a stack of CDs.]
Kenji: Of course.
Naoki: The pay here really sucks. How're you going to manage
that?
Kenji: Used car.
Naoki: Ah. Figures you'd have to ride around in a piece of junk
all the time.
Kenji: Figures you'd have to walk around using only your feet all
the time.
Naoki: [glares] Figures you still wouldn't have found a new
girlfr--ACK!
Kenji: [grabbing Naoki by the collar] I'm not in the mood to deal
with some whiny girl right now, okay?
Mimi: Then I guess you'll have to settle for me.
Naoki: Irasshaimase!
Mimi: [rolls eyes] You should know better than to provoke him by
NOW Naoki. [to Kenji] Looking for a used car, huh?
Kenji: And...?
Mimi: If you want to get something decent you'd better start
looking soon. There's plenty of good deals in the classifieds.
Kenji: Did you actually come in here to buy some CDs?
Mimi: No I just like annoying you two. [to Kenji] Especially my
future classmate.
Naoki: And just think; we're your best friends!
Mimi: ANYway -- I'm actually here because I found out about a
scholarship for business majors.
[She hands a sheet of paper to him, which he takes and looks at.]
Kenji: Oh... Thanks.
Mimi: Don't get so excited.
Naoki: Remember who you're dealing with; he's down to two moods
these days: bored and annoyed.
Kenji: [pointing at Naoki] Guess which one _he_ usually gets?
Mimi: <chuckle> Well, I have to go; I'll see you later Kenji-kun.
[Cut to Kenji walking down the street, scanning a section of a
newspaper. He suddenly stops short.]
Kenji: Honda Civic... 200,000 yen?! No way! Did they leave out a
zero or something?
[Kenji pulls out his cell phone and dials. Cut to Kenji walking
up to an apartment; as he reaches to knock on the door, a middle
aged man flings the door open and Kenji absent-mindedly hits the
guy in the face as he continues knocking.]
Mr. Tanaka: Oi! What the hell are you doing?!
Kenji: [blink] For starters I _may_ decide to buy your car.
Mr. Tanaka: Oh! You're Kenji-kun!
Kenji: Right. So it's a Honda Civic?
Mr. Tanaka: That's right. A 2001 model. Black.
Kenji: So what's wrong with it?
Mr. Tanaka: [sweat drop] Wrong? What would be wrong?
Kenji: You're selling a 2001 Honda Civic for 200,000 yen and you
expect me to believe that there's nothing wrong with it? Is the
engine in bad shape or missing, or did you steal it from the
local Secret Ninja Clan or get it from a dead Russian spy or
what?
Mr. Tanaka: It's _fine_! You can take it for a drive beforehand
if you want!
Kenji: Then why's it so cheap?
Mr. Tanaka: I... um... Need to get rid of it as soon as possible
for... tax reasons.
Kenji: Whatever. Let's go for a ride.
[Mr. Tanaka nods eagerly and pulls out a key ring; on it is a key
and a car remote, both of which glint in the late afternoon
sunlight. Cut to Kenji pulling into the driveway of his house
that night. He looks up and notes that the lights are out in the
house, and begins climbing out of the car.]
Kenji: Of course. Kimiko complains that I'm being to
irresponsible, and the day after mom and dad are gone she's
disappearing all night.
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: Don't start with me.
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: What the...?
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: [kicks a tire] Whatever you're doing, stop before you wake
up the neighbors.
Car: <...hnk...>
Kenji: [suspiciously] Oh god... You can actually understand me?
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: [rolls eyes] How nostalgic. My life's going to hell like
back in high school.
Car: <Honk?>
Kenji: <sigh> Look, just stay here and be good.
Car: <Honk...>
Kenji: I have to go to sleep.
Car: <beep-bweep!>
Kenji: You want me to set the alarm?
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: Whatever. It's not like anything'll happen in this boring
neighborhood.
[He pulls out the key ring and presses the button on the remote.
Nothing happens.]
Car: <Honk?>
[Kenji frowns and tries again. Finally he smacks the remote
against his palm and tries yet again. This time the car is
engulfed in red light. The car is seen as a silhouette, which
twists and contorts, taking on a distinctly feminine shape. When
the light fades, Civiko stands there, glancing around.]
Civiko: Hi there! Are you my new owner?
[Civiko blinks as she realizes Kenji is facing away from her and
muttering to himself.]
Civiko: Um... Excuse me?
[Kenji takes a deep breath, braces himself, and turns around.]
Kenji: ...
Civiko: Hi! I'm Civiko.
Kenji: My car turned into a girl.
Civiko: Hai! Now can be with you all the time!
Kenji: My _car_ turned into a _girl_.
Civiko: Um...
Kenji: That old bastard must've been an Alumni of Shinonome High.
Civiko: Can I... ask your name?
Kenji: <sigh> Kenji. Asakawa Kenji.
Civiko: [blushing] Kenji-sama...
[Kenji frowns, points the remote at her, and presses the button.
Nothing happens.]
Kenji: Damn.
Civiko: Huh? Kenji-sama, is something wrong?
Kenji: My new car turned into a girl with a steering wheel on her
head. What do you think?
Civiko: <sniffle> Hidoi...
Kenji: Can you turn back?
Civiko: I dunno. <sniffle>
Kenji: Great. You're probably gonna be stuck like that, right?
Civiko: I... <sniffle> guess so... <sniffle>
Kenji: You okay?
Civiko: ... <sniffle>
Kenji: <sigh> WHAT?
Civiko: <sniffle> ... [pouty/crying]
Kenji: I'm losing my patience here!
Civiko: <sniffle> KENJI-SAMA NO BAKA!!!
[Civiko runs off down the street. Kenji watches her for a long
moment.]
Kenji: <sigh> Unfortunately I can't afford another car.
[Kenji pauses to stretch his legs for a moment, then starts after
her. Cut to Civiko as she runs out into an intersection; cars
screech to a halt and she halts. The cars start honking their
horns.]
Civiko: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to--!
Man: Get out of the road!
[Civiko blinks and hurries to the other side of the street. Kenji
approaches the crosswalk; she looks at him from across the street
with a hurtful expression on her face. He rolls his eyes and
sighs. Civiko turns away from him, sits on the ground, and wraps
her arms around her legs. When the signal changes, Kenji crosses
the street and walks up behind Civiko.]
Civiko: [sullenly] Go away.
Kenji: What're you doing?
Civiko: Go away!
Kenji: I can't do that..
Civiko: Why not?
Kenji: I... <sigh> I need you.
Civiko: [slowly turning around] R-really?
Kenji: You _are_ my car.
Civiko: Then why--?
Kenji: I've been high-strung lately, okay? It's not your fault.
Civiko: [slowly standing up, smiling] Kenji-sama...!
Kenji: Come on; let's head home.
[Cut to Kenji and Civiko walking up to the front door of the
house. Kenji is fumbling with his keys when he suddenly finds
there is now plenty of light to see -- coming out of Civiko's
eyes.]
Kenji: That is disturbing.
Civiko: sorry...
[Kenji opens the door; he and Civiko step inside. Kenji closes
the door behind him and turns around -- finding himself face to
face with Kimiko.]
Kimiko: Woah! 'Niichan -- I thought you'd sworn off women for a
while, and look what you brought home!
Kenji: Don't get any weird ideas. She's going to spend the night.
On the couch.
Civiko: But--
Kenji: There's blankets in the hall closet if you want.
[Kenji starts up the stairs. Civiko watches him disappointedly.
Kimiko takes in her looks and smiles, shaking her head.]
Kimiko: I'm Kimiko, by the way. I'm his younger sister.
Civiko: I'm Civiko.
Kimiko: Chibiko-chan, huh? Well, Kenji's been acting kinda weird
these past few months.
Civiko: Really?
Kimiko: Yep; his personality has done a major 180 since he broke
up with his old girlfriend.
Civiko: Really? I bet he's lonely...
Kimiko: [grin] Saaaay... If you wanna keep him company I can help
you out.
Civiko: [brightening up] Really? How?
Kimiko: Well, he usually locks his bedroom door these days.
Civiko: Why's that?
Kimiko: [scratches at cheek with index finger, looks away]
Wellll... I kinda had something to do with that. But anyway, even
if it's locked I can show you another way in. ^_^
Civiko: [extra-sparkly eyes] Thank you!
[Cut to the two girls in Kimiko's room. Kimiko opens the closet.]
Kimiko: [whispering] You can slip through here; there's a panel
in the bottom left that comes off.
Civiko: [whispering] Thank you!
[Cut to Kenji, still in his usual clothes, sprawled on the bed.
He stirs faintly and is still again. Civiko creeps up beside the
bed, smiles to herself, takes a deep breath, and climbs in, under
the covers. She lies there, smiling and blushing.]
Civiko Voice Over: I'm in heaven!
[Suddenly Kenji stirs in his sleep again, his knee jabbing into
her side. Her face contorts and she yelps while covering her
mouth. Cut to Kimiko, listening through the closet wall.]
Kimiko: <sigh> [quietly] I should've guessed his sleeping habits
haven't changed.
[Cut to the bed; Civiko gently pushes the knee away, out of her
side. Kenji suddenly turns on his side, facing away from her.
Civiko slides over next to him. Things are quiet for a moment,
and she smiles. Then he suddenly rolls over, half smooshing her.
She wild-takes, but stays still.]
Civiko Voice Over: This is sort of nice, but... it kinda' hurts
too...
[Kenji rolls over more, winding up on the other side of her. She
scoots away a little and sighs. Kenji suddenly rolls over again,
this time facing her. She looks at his face and smiles again.]
Civiko Voice Over: He looks so sweet and peaceful like this.
[Civiko blushes, and starts pursing her lips and moving closer
and closer to him. Her heart beats loudly as she moves closer,
_almost_ ready to kiss him.]
Kenji: [muttering] Damn girls.
[He suddenly bends his torso and head forward, which smacks his
forehead into Civiko's face. Civiko sits up, tears welling up in
her eyes, and holds her nose. She stops short when she realizes
he is gripping her skirt with both hands.]
Kenji: [muttering] Why?
[Civiko gasps when she realizes he's crying. She pauses for a
moment, then begins to gently stroke his hair. Fade to black.]
[Cut to an exterior view of the house, the next morning.]
Kimiko: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
[Cut to Kenji stirring in bed. He blearily tries to open his
eyes.]
Kenji: [annoyed/semi-coherent] Whaaaat?
Kimiko: Y-your car!
[Kenji blinks and sits up, and realizes that the Civic is parked
next to him, half on the bed and half on the floor.]
Kimiko: And where the hell is Chibiko?!
Kenji: Relax. There's a perfectly logical explanation for this.
Kimiko: There is?
Kenji: And if I ever figure out what it is I'll tell you.
Kimiko: But... I mean... What're you going to do? That thing
can't have gone up the stairs or even through the window!
Car: <Honk...>
Kenji: Quiet, you.
Car: <...hnk.>
Kimiko: Should... I try to call for help or something?
Kenji: No. I'll take care of this.
Kimiko: Are you sure?
Kenji: I'm SURE. GET. OUT.
Kimiko: [reluctantly leaving] Okay...
[When Kimiko is gone, Kenji stands up and turns to the car.]
Kenji: Great. NOW look at you.
Car: <honk...>
Kenji: You change back when you sleep, don't you?
Car: <hooonk-honk> [sounds like "I dunno"]
Kenji: I don't know which is more disturbing; that I'm in this
situation or that I'm starting to understand you.
Car: <Honk!>
Kenji: Right. Now what do we do?
Car: <beep-BWEEP>
[Kenji rolls his eyes, picks up the remote, and presses the
button. The car changes as before, leaving Civiko sprawled on the
bed. She sits up.]
Civiko: Ohayou, Kenji-sama!
[Seeing his glare, she bows her head. Suddenly Kimiko rushes into
the room.]
Kimiko: I KNEW something was up!
Kenji: <sigh> ...And?
Kimiko: [to Civiko] Who are you, really?
Civiko: I'm Kenji-sama's car.
Kimiko: Care to run that by me again?
Kenji: My CAR turns into a GIRL and I DON'T know why.
Civiko: I don't know what happened either...
[Civiko glomps Kenji, and he struggles to pry her off.]
Kimiko: [rolls eyes] And to think this is the guy who spent five
months desperately trying to get Kyoko to notice him.
Kenji: I told you not to mention that name.
Civiko: Kenji-sama~~~~~~~!
Kenji: WHAT?!
Civiko: I wanna go driving!
Kimiko: I don't know how you get into this kind of mess all the
time.
Kenji: I put this kind of crap behind me!
Kimiko: Am I the only one here who finds this just a BIT
disturbing?
Kenji: At the moment, yes. I'm finding it to be merely INTENSELY
irritating.
Civiko: Kenji-sama--
Kimiko: But... I mean, it's... _impossible_!
Kenji: You said that about me getting a driver's license.
Kimiko: Yeah, but then I was being sarcastic... _This_...
Civiko: Kenji-sa--
Kenji: You also said that about me dating... _her_.
Kimiko: Well that _did_ seem pretty far-fetched!
Civiko: Ken--
Kenji: _That_ was nothing. Shinonome High is the prefecture's
number one loony bin! It's the only high school in Japan that has
a Black Magic Club!
Kimiko: Okay so you've dealt with some weird people over the
years, but I mean REALLY!
Kenji: You REALLY don't know what you're talking about! You know
why I tried to change schools so many times?
Kimiko: Why?
Civiko: Ano~...
Kenji: First there were the death threats from the Manga Club
president, then the "experiments" from the so-called Science
Fiction Club, then that STUPID curse courtesy of the Black Magic
guys--
Kimiko: Curse? There's no such thing!
Kenji: There sure as hell is! For two DAMN WEEKS I got turned
into a badger every time I tried to talk to a girl! MAGIC IS
REAL, and the guys who use it are all ASSHOLES!
Kimiko: Wow, you never told me about that...
Kenji: Of course not! You're a GIRL!
Civiko: Kenji-sama...
Kenji: WHAT?!
Civiko: I... think I can turn back into a car.
[Cut to the three of them standing outside, in the driveway.]
Kimiko: So let me get this straight; you think the remote is what
does it?
[Kimiko takes the remote out of Kenji's hand.]
Kenji: Hey!
[Kenji's cell phone rings, playing Fur Elise. He scowls at Kimiko
as he answers it. She shrugs and presses the button on the
remote. Suddenly his cell phone is engulfed in a red glow. A few
moments later he finds himself holding Nokia's hand. She smiles
at him expectantly. Cut to a view of the neighborhood.]
Kenji: DAMNIT! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!
[Fade to black.]
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ewen "Blackbird" Cluney blackbird@blackbird.nu
Blackbird's Domain http://www.blackbird.nu/
The Official Thrash Home Page http://thrash.blackbird.nu/
Knight Kevlar of the Immortal Frog Silver Knight of Mihoshi
"Be nice to me; I might just develop
psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo!"
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