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Another Fine Mess 
by Shade seems to have vanished

Disclaimer: You can't prove anything without the body.
            There is no cow level. 
            Whatever you do, don't think of pink elephants.
-a public service by "I own only what's mine" productions
            

~~~~~~~~
Act Two: Does Evil Dream of Butchering Sheep?
~~~~~~~~ 

It couldn't be! 

It just couldn't be!

Shampoo was at his side in an instant.
Her frantic eyes roamed over his body.
Her airen was so still, except for the 
slight rise and fall of his chest.

Then her brain finally caught up to what she 
was seeing. Ranma was breathing, therefore 
he wasn't dead as she'd first feared, only asleep. 
That's when she started to notice that there 
was something *different* about the pigtailed boy.

The young man had always been attractive, but 
now there was a new predatory sharpness to his 
features. His unconscious form radiated a dark 
vitality that pulsed almost hungrily with each 
slow sensuous breath he took. A sudden flash of 
silver drew her eyes reluctantly from his lean 
whipcord body to look further up.

The amazon's breath briefly caught in her throat 
as she saw her beloved's hair. Once pure raven 
black, the locks over his right eye looked like
they had been dipped in liquid moonlight. A bolt
of pure mithril which held her gaze and seemed to
beg for her hands to reach out and caress it.

Shampoo's pert little nose twitched as an errant 
breeze finally brought Ranma's scent fully to her. 

There was a new spicy tinge to his unique fragrance.

Whispers of warm exotic oils and the sensual bite
of hot scented candles. Teasing promises of decadence, 
tantalizing the amazon's senses with a heightened 
awareness of her own womanhood. Her nipples tightened 
to hard little pebbles behind the confines of her scanty 
bra, reflecting the aching need building within her core.
The first hints of dampness appeared between her thighs, 
causing her to shift her legs from side to side as the 
moistened fabric of her panties brushed against her most 
sensitive part. Here lay her mate. That which would make 
her complete. 

Shampoo was suddenly seized by a powerful desire 
to tear off both their clothes and immediately 
mount Ranma for a long round of mad passionate sex 
right there on the open street.

She was actually in the middle of trying to pull
his shirt off when a soft groan from his lips 
stopped her.

Concern for her airen won out over lustful desire by a hair. 

And thus was avoided a long and complicated chain of events 
that would have eventually ended up with the beautiful 
young woman being turned into Ranma's devoted loveslave.

~~~~~~~~

"Don't worry Ranma. Great Grandmother will know what to do."

Pedaling harder then she'd ever pedaled before,
the anxious amazon raced her deadly bicycle down 
the nearly empty streets. 

Her beloved's face was cradled protectively to Shampoo's ample chest 
as she supported his body's dead weight with her arms and lap. 
This seemed the easiest and safest way to get him to the restaurant. 
The fact that this position also ensured that Ranma's even breathing 
would gently tease her breasts during the whole trip had absolutely 
nothing to do with this particular choice.

It was just an extra bonus.

"First, Great Grandmother make husband all better. 
Then Ranma screw wife like wild crazed wease-er,
Ranma be too too grateful to Shampoo and make out
like tiger in hea-no, Airen take Shampoo like horny 
wild cave ma-that not right either, husband and Shampoo
can go out and have hot steamy se-No, no, no! 
Something wrong here! Shampoo always want Ranma, 
but this too much! Even for amazon woman who been
teased by shy airen for so long. Why is Shampoo
having so much trouble thinking with head instead 
of silly loins?"

Could it be some kind of sinister enchantment? 
Perhaps from one of her husband's many enemies?

The thought brought a slight shudder from her.

Gimmick items and (mostly) harmless tricks were one thing, 
actual heavy duty magic was something no amazon worth her 
salt wanted to mess with!

"Need to see Great Grandmother quickly!"

With renewed intensity, the amazon and her slumbering cargo 
raced across the neighborhoods of Nerima.

~~~~

"This really not turning out to be Shampoo's day."

The ride to get Ranma home with her had taken longer
then Shampoo had expected. For some reason she'd kept 
ending up in front of love hotels whenever her attention 
had been distracted from the road. And considering the
fact that every time Ranma had moaned from his position 
it had sent the vibrations straight to her nipples, 
Shampoo had wound up getting distracted quite a bit. 
But they'd *eventually* reached the general vicinity 
of the Cat Cafe, for all the good that it was worth. 

Because company had come to call, and it wasn't friendly.

"Stupid pervert girl would show up now. And she bring friends. 
Uptight spatula girl, cheating flasher girl with loud laugh, 
stupid fat panda-man, stupid lost pig-boy, stupid loud stick boy, 
and stupid stinky crying man. Gang is all here."

Though they hadn't seen her yet, there wasn't any way even
an amazon would be able to sneak inside. Not with that many 
eyes keeping watch. After all, they weren't *all* complete 
blockheads like Akane. Some of them were actually almost 
competent martial artists.

The young woman looked back and forth between the small crowd 
and her slumbering husband as indecision gnawed away at her.

The Amazon way was to charge straight into a fight, 
and consequences be damned. The subtle approach was 
not her forte, but it seemed she had no choice this 
time. A frontal assault with this crowd would endanger 
Ranma, as most of the group ahead had few or no compunctions 
about attacking such a helpless target.

Shampoo ducked into the shadowed arch of a small sweets shop
and carefully arranged Ranma into a comfortable position where
he would hopefully not draw attention for a few minutes.
She hated to leave him like this, even if it was for his own good.

"Wait here Airen. Shampoo have to play tag 
for a bit with stupid people. Be back soon."

Bending down, the young woman stole 
a quick kiss from his lips for luck. 

Then mustering her resolve before the taste of him 
could change her mind, Shampoo went out to play 
decoy and dummies.

~~~~~~~

"Akane lose something? Or is pervert girl 
like stupid pig-boy who no know which way to go?

That detestable voice was all too familar. The young
Tendo bristled as she turned to face the annoyingly
big breasted bimbo who was one of the many banes of 
her existance. Behind her, she could hear Ryoga 
protesting Shampoo's choice of comparisions.

"Where are you hiding that baka?!"

It irked Akane to no end that this foreign slut
was not only considered by others to be a better cook, 
but also never took Akane seriously in a fight 
unless she had outside assistance like during 
the Strength Soba disaster. But at least 
the purple haired bimbo wasn't better looking 
then her, the only attraction that the amazon 
had was her oversized tits. And Shampoo was stupid too. 
After all, she couldn't speak proper japanese 
like a normal person. So that must indicate 
that she was obviously mentally defective (disregarding 
the facts that Shampoo's native language was *Chinese*, 
she had only a few months to pick up the language when 
it took most people years to get a grasp of the basic 
vocabulary, and that japanese grammer was just plain weird).

"Shampoo no need keep airen from violent 
weakling. Akane do that all by herself."

The smug superior grin on the amazon's face along
with that simple statement managed to push *exactly*
the right buttons on the short haired girl's quick fuse.

She *hated* to be reminded of her lack of attractive 
feminine qualities. This was always a sore point for Akane, 
but never more then when one of her rivals pointed it out.

It wasn't *her* fault that Ranma didn't like her cooking
(never mind the fact that nobody else besides that girl 
Kurumi would ever eat it willingly). Recipes in the books
were always so boring and bland, and usually it was simply
easier to use whatever was at hand instead of taking 
the time to look for the required ingredients. It wasn't
really such a big deal, Kasumi always made it look so easy.
Ranma just kept blowing things out of proportion. If he'd 
just be a man and admit that she could prepare a meal as 
good as that of any other girl she wouldn't have to keep 
punishing him. As for the dishes and mess, it was Kasumi's 
job to take care of those unimportant things. Stuff just 
seemed to always break into many little pieces whenever 
Akane tried to do any housework, though *she* wasn't to blame.
Those weak items couldn't handle a little roughness, 
which meant that the products were simply defective.

Wait a second here. Was that empty headed gaijin trying
to distract her? Shampoo hadn't answered Akane's question
and that was enough to trigger her always present suspicion.

"You know where Ranma is, don't you."

It wasn't a question. More like a growl declaring sentence
and execution. One quickly rewarded by the insult of having
Shampoo, *Shampoo* of all people giving her the red-eye 
raspberry!

"Biiiii!"

"Why you!!"

"Akane no can keep up with Shampoo. Thighs too thick,
built like brick, and float like one too!"

With that parting shot the amazon went racing up
and off like a gazelle on speed. Her bike left 
a dust trail on the roofs so big that only a Hibiki 
could possibly lose track of it.

"Get back here!!"

"Akane my love, I follow!"

"Ohohoho!"

"After her! She knows where Ranma is!"

"Hey! Where'd everybody go?!"

"Its this way, Boy. Your left-no, your *other* left."

And the chase was on. 

In the exact opposite direction of their *real* quarry.

~~~~~~~~

"Oh good grief Saotome, you're pathetic."

Looking down at the halfbundled form with the distinctive pigtail 
sticking out, Nabiki Tendo could only shake her head in mild amusement.
It looked like poor little Ranma was in trouble again, and judging from
the design of his makeshift blanket and pillow it was of the chinese
amazon kind. All the makings of a profitable situation were here.

She could charge him an arm and a leg just for damage control. 
Even more to keep the news from the rest of his fiancees
(Which she would then sell to them anyway. Only at a higher 
price). The fact that the young man was usually cash poor
didn't deter her, she was more then happy to take her payment
in trade (since it made cheating him easier). Especially since
some of the girls (and adult women) in town had been making
"inquiries" regarding the young man as a potential "escort" 
for dates and other minor social events. A few had even been 
so bold as to request the pigtailed martial artist for certain 
*special* services.

Nabiki's features were filled with greedy delight as she looked 
down at the sleeping male, in her mind's eye seeing all the yen 
his time and body would be worth. The beauty of the whole setup 
was that once Ranma was blackmai-er, convinced to go through 
with the scheme, he would be trapped with incriminating photographic 
and audio evidence. And with that kind of a hold over Ranma, 
she would *own* him. He would have to do anything she wanted, 
and with each act her control over him would grow.

It was a perfect scheme. 

Absolutely perfect. 

Nothing could possibly go wrong. 

Nothing.

"Now how are we going to get you back home?"

Well, maybe one thing.

Luckily, that was when she spotted some of Akane's friends,
Yuka and Sayuri. Even more fortunate for Nabiki, she had 
some juicy dirt on them so they wouldn't even have to be 
paid for the work.

With toothy smile that would have done justice 
to any shark, the middle Tendo daughter moved 
in for the kill.

~~~~~~~~

It took a little longer then she'd expected,
but the end result had never been in doubt.

"They stubborn, but no make up for lack of brains."

The amazon's breathing was a little heavy, some of her pursuers 
had been more difficult to lose then others. But lost them 
she had, and with all the criss-crossing and double backing 
false trails she'd left behind they wouldn't be finding her 
any time soon. Which meant that now she could get back 
to her real mission, getting Ranma safely to the Cat Cafe 
so that Great Grandmother could take a look at him.

But when Shampoo got back to where she'd left him...

"Gone?! Oh no! Airen in no condition for walk!"

"You look like you were expecting to find someone, sugar."

With a barely suppressed groan, the young amazon turned
to face her rival, Ukyo Kuonji. The pretty brown haired
girl had her trusty battle spatula out and seemed ready
and willing for a brawl. But as much as Shampoo would have
loved to clean her clock, her airen was more important.

"Fight with spatula girl later. Need to talk to Great Grandmother now."

"Huh?!"

Shampoo left the cute okonomiyaki chef standing slack-jawed behind her.

A minute passed. 

Ukyo blinked.

"Hey! Wait a minute!! Wait up!"

Then she went running after her.

~~~~~~~

The amazon took one look inside the back of the restaurant
and groaned. She'd lost track of the time, and now Cologne
was currently engaging in her favorite form of recreation.
A vice that the elder had picked up in Japan, and one 
that brooked no interruptions, not even from her own 
great granddaughter. 

"One day Shampoo find out who responsible for great evil 
of silly story that never end. Then Shampoo give great big
boot to head as punishment! Evil story turn Great Grandmother 
into chair turnip."

Shampoo decided to get some tea brewing while she waited.
It was going to be awhile until Cologne would be available 
for advice. She was going through the various drawers and 
utensil racks when Ukyo entered.

"What do you think you're doing, Shampoo?"

"Making tea. What else it look like?"

"That's not what I meant!"

Shampoo started the water running to fill the teapot.

"Then why ask if no want answer?"

"Never mind! I thought you were going to talk to Cologne?"

The amazon set the water on the stove to start heating.

"Great Grandmother busy."

"So? Just tell her we need to talk to her."

Shampoo shook her head.

"We wait. No interrupt Great Grandmother or else be big trouble."

"What? You can't be serious."

"Shampoo serious. Dangerous to bother now."

Ukyo couldn't understand the amazon's reluctance.
If Cologne knew where Ranma was then she was *damn* 
well going to tell them!

"Well if you won't do it, then I will."

"Spatula girl deaf? Be very very sorry if no listen to Shampoo."

But the brown haired girl had already 
gone to confront the shrunken crone.

Shampoo put a hand to her head as she slowly followed,
grumbling about crazy okonomiyaki chefs who had a death 
wish. She arrived just in time to see the other girl
badgering the unresponsive old lady. 

"Look, I just want to know what happened to Ranma.
Are you listening?! Say something for crying out loud!"

Then Ukyo made a critical mistake. 

She blocked the elder's view of the television.

"Stop watching that soap opera for a second and pay attent-"

*BAM*

Shaking her head at the perversity of people who had to
learn things the hard way, Shampoo went to pull Ukyo out 
of the wall. At least the chef's impression in the concrete 
made a nice change from all the Mousse-shaped ones.

"Never *ever* get between Great Grandmother 
and Whirlwind of Love, Spatula girl."

~~~~~~~

Safely back home, Nabiki decided that Ranma could be left 
in his room where the other girls had dropped him off.
It wasn't like there was anywhere he could escape to when 
she finally decided to put her very cunning plan into action.
Let him sleep. Besides, it was just about time for another
sexy photo session with her number one best seller.

Though there had been something a little odd about their 
behavior earlier (aside from the expected complaints about
being blackmailed into physical labor). Yuka had mentioned
something about a strange smell, not unpleasant but *odd*.
What had been weird was that the girl's features had been 
flushed when she mentioned it. And Sayuri had copped several
discrete feels of Ranma's buns when she'd thought (wrongly) 
that Nabiki wasn't looking.

But caught up in her greed, Nabiki dismissed these minor oddities 
as being unimportant to her plans. As long as Ranma was here,
that was good enough for her schemes.

"Time to get nice and wet, my little moneymaker."

Dangling a plastic cup of water in one hand and her trusty camera 
in the other, Nabiki was prepared for a standard run of "change
Ranma into a girl, loosen her clothes, and then take enough naughty
pics to bilk Kuno and the rest of the local perverts out of their
weekly allowance".

But instead what she got was...

*Splash*

"Damnit!"

*Splash*

"Stay still!"

It was unbelievable! Even after fifteen minutes of trying, 
she *still* hadn't managed to douse the slumbering young man 
even once. Every time she dumped the water he would move aside
at the very last moment and always look like it was naturally 
happening in his sleep. The devious young woman would have suspected 
Ranma was doing it on purpose except that she knew how bad an actor 
he was.

"This time for sure!"

The martial artist's leg stuck out and tripped her.

*Splash*

Nabiki got acquainted with a cup of cold water.

"Arrgghhh!"

Ranma slept peacefully.

"I don't believe this!"

Nabiki glared steel daggers at the uncooperative 
young man. Her shirt and jeans were soaking wet, 
and the mercenary girl didn't feel like trying to 
take illicit pictures anymore. 

She wanted a bath, a long hot bath.

"You'll pay for this, Saotome."

Her features dark with displeasure, 
Nabiki stalked off in the direction 
of the furo. 

Sadly, so caught up in matters of profit and petty revenge
was the little moneygrubber that she had not yet noticed 
anything *different* about him.

Had the middle Tendo daughter possessed any measure 
of foresight whatsoever, she would have been running
for the nearest plane out of Japan.

~~~~~~~

Within most rational (and not so rational) beings 
resided a core of suppressed feelings and desires. 
Normally kept in check by rigid moral and ethical 
structures learned early in childhood, they were 
a throwback to the legacy of uncounted generations 
of evolution, festering remmants of the weak
and terrified primitives that had once trembled 
and hid from the hungry night.

Ranma Saotome was no exception. 

Buried beneath a thin shield of arrogance and crude chivalry 
lurked a rich ocean of buried fear, hate, envy, jealousy,
and pure unadultrated rage. A thousand shades of darkness
blended together into a nightmarish sea of concentrated 
negative psychic energy. Their very existance had always 
been rejected by the young man, but his refusal to confront 
his own humanity only forced them into hiding, and in so doing, 
made them that much stronger. To deny them had been to deny himself.

A mistake.

A weakness.

A feast. 

With almost contemptous ease, the hungry soul fragment 
shattered the childish restraints which had sealed away
those inner demons as though they were nothing more then 
a fragile toy.

Day passed into night. 

Elsewhere in the house the other inhabitants gathered 
for the evening meal. Ranma's absence was noted, 
but under not-so-subtle urging from Genma, Akane and Nabiki, 
it was also ignored. 

None of those present could sense the presence of the change 
taking place so close to where they sat. They did not feel
the danger that grew with every beat of Ranma's heart. 
A crucial barrier had been breached. The forbidden had been 
released, not as a trickle, but in a flood that threatened 
to overwhelm everyone that had ever done him harm. 

As the household settled down to sleep and dream,
Ranma's body started to toss and turn. On the floor
Genma snored away contentedly on his futon, untroubled 
by crimes of past and present. His presence seemed 
to agitate the young man's restless condition. 

Outside the full moon rose towards its peak as the hours passed. 

An eerie calm began descending upon the young man's form once 
more as midnight drew near. There was a finality to this stillness,
an expectant hush that seemed to herald the coming of the dreaded
hour.

As the hands on the old clock hanging on the 
wall above struck twelve, one of Ranma's eyes 
suddenly flashed open.

No longer was this orb the warm bluish-grey 
of a simple martial artist. It was an eye 
that had never been born to this world.
The iris had changed to a rich purple shade 
so dark that it was almost black. A mark of 
the presence that was now a part of him.
Inside of its cold depths burned a deadly
hunger completely empty of any hint of light 
or mercy, an endless void held in check only 
by sheer force of will. 

Evil had awakened.

~~~~~~~~~~

Shade sighed as he looked at his aging computer's screen.

He'd never thought that his e-mail inbox would ever be so depressing.

"Spam, spam, crappy misspelled fic with no plot, spam, pointless flame, 
spam, chainspam, ad spam, crappy pointless spam, unsolicited porn spam,
unsolicited gay porn spam (how the fraggin hell do all these freaks 
get my address?!), spam, more ad spam..."
 
Damnit! Why couldn't there be a Metroanime or Skysaber fic in here?

"...Spam to the left, spam to the right, Spam for spam's sake, oh the pain..."

Shade didn't know what was worse, receiving the crap 
or having to waste the time to go through and delete it 
all manually. He missed the good old days when writers
knew how to write and grammer actually meant something.

He was just about to shut down and give up for the night
when the last unread message in the folder caught his eye.

"An invitation? Okay, this is new."

Shade read through it once. Then twice. Then a third time,
but he *still* couldn't believe that someone had sent 
this to him.

"Dear Hereti-, Mr. Shade, 
We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected 
to be our first vict-, recipient of the Divine Wrat-, prize
for your work in blasphem-, humor and parody. We will be 
holding your executi-, award ceremony at the conveniently
isolat-, picturesque abandoned ranch sixty miles north
of your college. A map with directions has been enclosed.
Please tell nobody else about this, since we don't want others
to kno-, find out what kind of cool prizes we're going to give you.

-Sincerely,
The Knigh-, Fans of your work"

Shade couldn't believe it. How stupid did they think he was?!

"You have got to be kidding me."

It sounded like a trap.

"P.S. this isn't a trap." 

One eyebrow went up.

"P.P.S. Really, this is not a trap! We're not waiting over there 
right now with lots of big pointy objects to stab you over and
over with or big blunt hammers to smash your brains into jelly,
or automatic weapons to blow great big gaping holes into your
evil villainous body."

Okay...this was pretty pathetic.

"P.P.P.S. The KOTF had absolutely nothing to do with this. There
is no reason to be suspicious of this letter that came from actual
fans and not raving fanatics thirsty for your blood."

His suspicion died. Nobody, not even the Knights of the Terrible Fiancee,
could *possibly* be *this* retarded. It had to be a gag or something.

"Yeah, probably the guys trying to hint that I need 
to get out more often. Oh well, what could it hurt?
I'll just go tomorrow morning."

Thunder rumbled ominously overhead.

(to be continued...)


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