KaraOhki wrote:

Here's the latest chapter.  My thanks to everyone who got to read bits and
pieces of this while I was putting it together.

    It's been a while. :p

Travels, Training and Trials
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by June "KaraOhki" Geraci
karaohki@snet.net

January 2, 2002


Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and its
characters belong to her.  I'm merely borrowing
them.  The story below is for entertainment purposes
only, and may not be used commercially.

    And my own comments are mine, for anyone to use as they see fit, or more likely, just ignore. ;)

Soun cringed and took a step back.  Anger was
radiating from Nabiki in waves, and Kasumi looked
just as upset.  He reached for Genma's arm in order
to pull him back, but missed as his friend took a
step forward.

    anger was radiating -- anger radiated (Suggested -- sounds passive)

Nabiki's slap cut him off mid-sentence.  "Liar!  You
did it this way so we couldn't stop you!"

    Technically, there's no speech indicator here. Mr. Sommer does it all the time, so I'm reasonably sure that even the non-astute reader can infer who's speaking...

    Anyway. Just mentioning that, though stylistically it's just fine as it is, I believe.

Soun managed to find his voice.  "Girls, please!
Not in public!"

    voice.  "Girls -- voice, "Girls (unless that's not a speech indicator? I could be confused...)

"Are you sure Nabiki isn't the martial artist in the
family?"  Genma rubbed his cheek.  "That's some
right she's got."

    Stylisticaly inferred. I think. I'm also hoping somoene will be willing to step in and clarify. ^_^;;

"And you believed that?" asked Kasumi.  "I wouldn't
have."

    Neither would I...

"You don't know my father.  He meant it."  Ranma
shrugged and kept walking.  "I promised Akane I
wouldn't leave her and I'm not going to start lying
to her now."

    ...

    Ranma believed that? Really? I thought he was much smarter in this story.

"Please, don't!"  Akane looked like she was going to
cry.  "I just want to go home."

"No," said Nabiki in a forceful enough tone to make
everyone look at her.  "We're going out for a
wedding lunch, and THEY are going to pay for it, no
matter what it costs.  They owe you at least that
much."

    Huh. I think I see here that Nabiki's mad at Genma/Soun, and she wants to make them suffer in some small way for what they've done to Ranma/Akane, but if Akane just wants to go home, Nabiki's not being very nice to _them_, either.

"I don't think I'm hungry, Ranma."

Ranma looked up from the menu.  Akane was very pale.
"I wish they'd just be quiet.  I want to go home."

    To delineate Akane's speech from Ranma's action (since you're not naming speakers here) should Akane's dialoge be in another paragraph?

A low growl from Akane warned Ranma seconds before
she struck.  Then his father was on his face with a
huge lump sprouting from the top of his head.  Akane
hefted her mallet and gazed at her father and
sisters.  "Does anybody else have any smart remarks
to make?"

    Mallet? Aww... there are tables at hand. :p

Nabiki shook her head.  "Not if the two of you sit
down and eat something.  Otherwise I might,
especially since I don't think you'd hit me.  You
want to punish these two?" she continued, gesturing
at her father and Ranma's.  "See how high you can
drive up the bill."

    She's still going a bit far to punish them, methinks, if it's at the cost of her sister and new brother-in-law.

Genma opened one eye and groaned.  "Soun, did you
bring your charge card?"

    Doesn't that hurt _all_ of them in the long run, if they waste that money? I mean, it's the money for the whole household, after all, unless Kasumi's got a job (I might have forgotten) or Nabiki's paying for things, too.

came in with the Kobe steak, Soun tried hard to
remember what the limit on his card was.  Soun knew
Nabiki was behaving this way to exact revenge, and
even worse, she and Kasumi were also consuming very
expensive meals and trying to convince Akane to be
as extravagant as her new husband.  He wanted to
cry.

    Funny... I thought Soun would just be happy that he (more or less) won, despite the cost.

    And Kobe beef is ludicrously expensive, but you probably meant it to be like that. ;)

"Yeah!  We have to go home and change--we're
supposed to be at work in half an hour!"

Ranma got up as he spoke, pulling Akane to her feet
at the same time.  They were halfway out of the room
before Genma recovered enough to speak.

    Should that dialogue and action be in the same paragraph?

Akane noted that her hair was slipping out of its
barrette, so she removed it and brushed it smooth.
Then she braided it and tried pinning it up.  A
knock on the door interrupted her.

    One of those instances of 'it' is a barette, but the other three are hair... you might want to clarify that just a bit. ;)

Since Akane couldn't answer Ranma with a mouthful of
hairpins, she opened the door and waved him in.

    Might want to include her retrieving the pins, seems a little odd, as it is.

"Nonsense, he's family now," said Kasumi as she
brushed past him and into the room Ranma shared with
his father.  "There's a screwdriver in the kitchen
drawer to the right of the sink.  You'll need it to
take the bed apart."

The look of defeat on Genma's face was nearly funny.

    Hmmm.

"Not that I could find," replied Ranma's father.
Nabiki looked at him sharply.  Something about what
Mr. Saotome had said, or the way in which he said
it, had rubbed her the wrong way, but she didn't yet
know him well enough to say what it was.  She took
the pack and returned to the other room.  Kasumi
started downstairs, but Nabiki grabbed her sleeve,
dragged her into the room, and closed the door.

"Do me a favor and stay here while I get my books
from my room."

    Eeep... I got lost in that one. Which room exactly? There were a lot in the last few paragraphs.

Mr. Tsukasa was sitting in his office above the
warehouse, looking down through the glass windows at
his employees.  He made a habit of glancing at them
now and then to see what and how they were doing.
In the past it had paid off well, because he was
able to see who worked hard, who didn't, and once
caught someone pilfering goods.

    Mikasa Tsukasa? ;)

The reason for the lack of response was very evident
once Kasumi left the kitchen, having hurriedly
cleaned her hands.  Her father and his friend were
slumped over at the table, sound asleep.  A bottle
of sake sat there, quite empty.

    Just one?

"What?"
"She, um, said she missed having him there to keep
her warm at night."

    Missing newline.

"Kasumi and I moved your things into Akane's room,
Ranma."

Ranma turned very red, and glanced sidelong at
Akane, who looked just as embarrassed.  "Thanks."

    Why Akane's room, instead of the downstairs guest room? There's no Happosai to take it, yet, after all...

"YAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  Ranma's scream and the sound of a
dish hitting the floor and shattering drew everyone
into the kitchen.  Nabiki was the last to run in,
and she was nearly knocked over by Ranma who ran out
of the kitchen at top speed, followed by a small
gray kitten and his wife.  They both caught up to
him in the hallway, where he plastered himself
against the wall.

    Might want to reword that -- sounds like the kitten's wife, not Ranma's. ;)

That was enough to make Soun, Nabiki, and Kasumi
back off.  Akane, however, knelt down on the floor
and looked into Ranma's eyes.   "I don't think you'd
hurt me, would you?"

    Extra space between that last sentence and the dialogue.

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As always, I welcome your comments.  karaohki@snet.net

    I'm afraid I'd have to opine that the story's so dialogue driven that a lot of the scenes seem a little confusing and lacking in description, and much of the action is very rushed. Insight into the cahracters minds is subtle, and welcomed, as you've written it, while the dialogue itself flows very smoothly.

    Other than the weakness of the scene descriptions, I thought it wasn't bad, though. :)

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     You could turn this way,
I'm also lonely
     this autumn evening

Basho